Chapter 29

I woke up alone and disorientated until my eyes focussed and I realised I was in Forks. All memories from the day before came flooding back and I alternated between groaning, smiling and frowning.

I deeply regretted that everything had blown up during Charlie's wedding, but I couldn't regret the outcome, or at least not all of it not all of it. Even though Edward was my main concern, I felt desperately sorry for Alice and my part in what had happened.

Edward and I had talked long into the night. He had been completely truthful, and even though none of it mattered, I knew he needed to be completely honest with me about his past. Listening to him describe how he used to be wasn't easy, and at times it was hard for me to believe that he could be so heartless and disrespectful when he was the complete opposite with me.

But I hadn't known him when he was like that. The Edward I knew was sexy, smart, funny, and above all caring and considerate. Was it so bad that he had been a bit of a hell raiser in his time? He hadn't murdered anyone. I suspected the extreme reaction he had elicited from Jasper was more to do with Jasper's opinion of me than his opinion of Edward. The same could be said for Jacob's assumption that Edward would not be a good boyfriend for me.

If the potential girlfriend had been anyone other than me, I doubt they would have raised an eyebrow. I knew how they viewed me; sweet little Bella Swan, so innocent and pure and vulnerable. A few months ago that might have been true but only Edward really knew me. Only Edward had allowed me to be myself and to grow without trying to stick a label on me.

I smiled to myself, my mind drifting to Edward. He'd gotten some things wrong of course, but nobody was perfect. I knew I certainly wasn't, but he had gotten so much right and I only hoped that I could help him become the person he wanted to be just as he was doing for me.

The soft sound of footsteps approaching filled me with anticipation. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. The sound of him whistling happily made it difficult for me to keep the smile off my face.

"Either you're having a wonderful dream, or you're pretending to be asleep." I heard him chuckle softly as he set something down on the nightstand. The enticing scent of coffee filled my nostrils.

I opened one eye. "Spoilsport, I was hoping you'd kiss me awake."

He grinned. "I'm not a mind reader, but if you close your eyes I'll do it now." I sat up, refusing to close my eyes. "So stubborn," he murmured as he leaned closer and pressed his lips gently to mine. "Now eat your breakfast."

He lifted the tray he had brought in with him and set it on my lap before sitting down beside me. "French toast," I said happily, grabbing a slice and biting into it. The sweet taste of it wiped the smile off my face instantly.

"What?" he asked, noticing my reaction.

"You put sugar in it," I said, dropping the slice back onto the plate after taking a bite.

"I brought some syrup up as well," he offered, making me feel guilty for my tactless comment.

I shook my head, sipping my coffee to get rid of the taste. "Sorry, I like my French toast with salt."

"Sounds disgusting." He grimaced, picking up the rejected slice and taking a huge bite out of it. "Want me to make you something else?"

It took a great deal of effort to wrench my eyes away from the sight of his tongue sliding over his lips. "The coffee will do for now. I'll grab some cereal later."

"You sure, I can bring you up a banana if you want?" He headed for the door and laughed loudly when my pillow hit him square in the chest.

Later, I was standing at the kitchen window, staring at Jasper's car. He was right next door, but he might as well have been on the other side of the world. Alice was probably back in Seattle by now, and I felt guilty that I was so happy when she was so miserable.

"So are you going to give me a tour of your childhood haunts?" Edward asked, coming up behind me.

"Jasper's still here," I said quietly.

He slid his arms around me, placing his chin on my head with a soft sigh. It meant a lot to me that he would comfort me when he was surely still mad at Jasper.

"Are you going over to see him?" His words were slightly stilted, belying the relaxed attitude he was trying to convey.

"No, this is mainly between him and Alice. I don't want to speak to him until after he has explained himself to her."

His grip on my waist grew firmer as he turned me to face him. "You still haven't really told me the full story about what happened between you two yesterday."

This time there was no hint of accusation in his tone, but there was more than a little apprehension in his eyes. I had been so preoccupied in getting as much out of Edward as I could that I hadn't realized I had failed to reassure him.

"He was very drunk. I've never seen him like that... I mean I've seen him very drunk, but I've never seen him so tortured." I touched his chest, looking up into his eyes to gauge his mood. "Promise me you won't get angry?" His jaw flexed but he didn't respond. "Edward, you already hit him. If I'm going to tell you the truth, you need to promise me that you'll let me handle this."

"I can promise I'll try. But if he touched you, I'll–"

"He didn't, but he tried to kiss me–" I ignored his angry hiss. "And he told me he wants me–"

"That fucker! Didn't he think about Alice at all?" His fists balled at his sides. "He fucking lives with her, but he thinks it's okay to try to fuck you in the restroom at your dad's wedding?"

"Don't say it like that!" I was sharply reminded of his past exploits. "He only tried to kiss me."

"Only?" he shouted. "What if I only tried to kiss someone, how would you feel?"

That was an excellent point. "You're right. I didn't mean to disregard how much it hurt Alice, but I don't think he would have gone that far. The alcohol skewed his judgement."

His eyes narrowed. "The alcohol has nothing to do with it. He knew exactly what he was doing. If you had reciprocated, he wouldn't have given Alice a second thought."

It was obvious Edward was trying to keep his composure, but his anger was bubbling just under the surface. He watched me closely for a few moments. "I'm not going to defend him," I said, guessing that he was expecting me to do just that. "There is no defense for what he did to Alice."

His expression relaxed a little, the fire in his eyes dulling slightly. "As much as I hate to admit this, I know the bond between you two can't simply be wiped out and that you're missing him already." He lifted his hand and cupped my cheek. "I won't stand in your way when the time comes for you to figure out what you want to do about Jasper. But please, promise me you will be honest with me and tell me everything. I don't think I could stand to be kept in the dark again."

"I promise."

"Thank you."

My thoughts returned to Alice. She was the one I wanted to see most, but I had to respect her wishes.

"Will you go to see Alice today? She'll need someone to talk to."

Edward responded with a nod and pulled me into his arms.

When we left an hour later, Edward suggested that he should drive since I was still preoccupied with everything that had happened. As he backed out of the drive, I couldn't help but stare at the tree house. It was a relief when he swung the truck out onto the road and I couldn't look at it any longer.

We had traveled a couple of miles before Edward struck up a conversation. "I think there's still some things we need to talk about," he said without taking his eyes from the road.

"Like what?"

"Well for starters... are you sure you're okay with the things I told you about myself last night?" He glanced at me nervously before returning his eyes to the road.

"Yes," I responded truthfully. "I won't lie. I don't like to think of you being with other women because it makes me jealous. Worrying about the things you did won't change the past, but it could change our future if we let it. I just want this to be about us, nothing else matters."

I stared out of the window for a few moments before turning to face him again. "Can I ask you something?" He nodded. "Did you try to date Lauren?"

"Yes and no."

"What does that mean?"

"I only did it because Emmett was so into Rosalie. She wouldn't go out on a date with him unless I went out with Lauren."

"So you did it for Emmett?'

He shrugged. "I thought one date couldn't hurt."

"But you told me you'd never been on a date."

"Not a proper date. We went to the bar... the one Jacob sang in. We sat at a table drinking all night."

"And then you had sex with her." I imagined I was probably a very vivid shade of green, despite my efforts not to get jealous.

"Yes," he said simply. "The second date was more difficult. Emmett was like a big fucking teddy bear around Rosalie. I've never seen him so happy. I guess I was a little bit jealous and I started to wonder if I could be happy like that too. That's why I went on a second date with Lauren. I tried, I really did. I listened to her when she talked, I was really nice to her... but my heart wasn't in it."

We were on the freeway now and I rolled my window down to let some cool air in.

"The experience with Lauren just confirmed what I'd suspected all along; that I can't do relationships."

"But you can," I stated.

"I can try," he corrected.

I rolled my eyes but decided not to contradict him.

He slid his hand across the seat between us and squeezed my knee. "I enjoy being with you, but sometimes I worry that I forget myself. Sometimes I say things and–"

Smiling, I moved closer and snuggled into his side. I knew he was referring to when we were in bed together. "I like it," I whispered, resting my head on his shoulder. "I like when you lose control a little and you say those things." I was a little nervous about admitting it, but I felt like I could tell him anything. "I don't know why it has that effect on me, but when you say...dirty words, it excites me. It makes it better for me when you let me know what you want to do to me."

He threw his arm around my shoulder. "Bella, you are just one little bundle of surprises." He dipped his head a little so his lips were right by my ear. "And I want to do everything to you."

My heart skipped a beat.

The phone was ringing when we arrived at the apartment just after lunchtime. I rushed to answer it while Edward carried the bags in.

It was Charlie.

"I tried calling the house," he said as soon as I picked up. "I must have just missed you. Did you get home okay?"

"Dad, you called my apartment and I answered the phone, so I think it's safe to assume I got home okay."

"You sound in a better mood," he grumbled.

"I had a good night's sleep." I blushed when Edward waggled his eyebrows at me. He mouthed that he was going to Alice's and then blew me a kiss before leaving.

"Hmm, okay, well Sue and I are just going on a boat ride." I could hear the smile in his voice but all too soon it was gone as he added, "I'll call you next week and let you know when we'll be home. I expect you to be there."

"I will, but only to visit."

His breath huffed down the line. "Bella I don't want you living in that apartment alone with him."

His refusal to say Edward's name irritated me beyond belief, but I bit my tongue. He was on honeymoon, that confrontation could wait until he returned.

"Enjoy your honeymoon, Dad. I'll see you next week."

He muttered something unintelligible before saying goodbye. I sat on the sofa and immediately started worrying about Alice.

EPOV

I walked slowly to Alice's, racking my brains. I was never very good at this supportive stuff. I knew she'd be hurting thanks to that asshole boyfriend – hopefully ex-boyfriend – of hers, but what the fuck could I say to make it any better? Alice would do it for me though, I was sure of that. If there was one person I could count on in life, it was Alice. It had always been Alice.

It had been a hell of a twenty-four hours. I'd never been so honest in my life before, not even with myself and it was not a pleasant feeling. The whole time that I'd been talking to Bella last night, I kept expecting her to bolt for the door. At one point I felt like bolting myself. Bella's faith in me was something that I wasn't sure I could live up to.

It astounded me that she was willing to judge me solely on how I treated her, and that was a gift to me. A rare fucking gift. I doubted I would meet anyone else in this lifetime who would give me that. And I didn't need to, she was all I wanted.

My steps faltered when I reached Alice's house. I would be far more at home if I knew it was Jasper who was here. That I could handle. It would be so easy to confront the prick, but to confront Alice's pain was a far more daunting prospect.

I reluctantly jabbed the doorbell, and perhaps subconsciously, turned my back to the door. When the door opened behind me, I had to force myself to face her.

The sight of her robbed me of breath.

This wasn't Alice. This was a hollow shell of the wonderful girl who had become more than my cousin, in my mind she was my sister. Sure she'd been disapproving like everyone else at one point in her life, but she was the one person in my formative years who had stopped and listened and tried to understand. I loved that glint in her eye, that appetite for life that she held. The sheer confidence and self assurance that no one else I knew seemed to possess. But none of that was evident today.

I looked forlornly at this creature before me. She was dull eyed, wet nosed and broken. This was not Alice.

A strong wave of hatred for Jasper burned in my gut.

Without a word, she turned away and disappeared into her house. To my shame, I said nothing either. What could I say?

I closed the door, took a deep breath and ventured into the living room where I found her standing by the window with her back to me.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said quietly.

That took me by surprise. Alice was the type who analysed everything. Nothing scared her. She thrived on thrashing out problems, getting to the root cause and making it right. Clamming up was not her style. Not at all.

I crossed the room and placed my hands on her shoulders, pulling her to me. She stiffened, but I wrapped my arms around her and held her. "Let it out," I whispered.

Words were unnecessary as she crumbled into my embrace, her sobs fueling my anger. Somehow, I managed to hold it back and conceal it as best as I could. She needed comfort and that was what I was going to give her. My heart felt like a brick in my chest as I listened to her pained sobs.

Finally, she calmed down enough to speak. "I don't think I've ever got anything so wrong in my life," she whispered. "I could see it all. I thought he was the love of my life. I could see marriage and babies." She pulled back, rubbing furiously at her tear-stained cheeks. "I've never felt a connection like this before – despite her."

I bristled at the way she said her. This wasn't Bella's fault, it was all on Jasper and it took all the strength I had to refrain from telling her that. She must have noticed my reaction, because she stepped out of my embrace.

"I'm sorry, I don't blame Bella, but it's very hard not to feel..." She left the sentence unfinished. "Did she go to him today?"

"Did he call you today?" I asked, irked, but then her hurt expression filled me with guilt. I had to remember it was Jasper I was mad at, not Alice or Bella.

I shook my head in response when she ignored my question. When she glanced at me, I could tell what she was thinking. "It was her decision not to see him," I explained. "Maybe I would have tried to stop her for my own selfish ends," I admitted. "But she felt it wouldn't be right to talk to him until he's talked to you first." I looked her square in the eye. "She knows he should see you first."

Alice nodded, perceptibly placated. "It's a strange relationship they have," she mused. "When I met him, one of the first things he told me was that she was his best friend and I shouldn't feel threatened by her."

"Didn't that set the alarm bells ringing?" I asked the most obvious question.

She shook her head. "I can see where you're coming from, but he was so sincere, like he wanted to be honest from the start." Her eyes filled up again. "He was so... I can't believe that it wasn't real."

This is where Bella would defend him. I wouldn't do it.

"It wasn't until he moved in here that he seemed to obsess over her." She snapped out of her melancholy and began to speak with more purpose. "I thought it was because of you living there. He's very respectful of women and he just couldn't handle the way you were with them. But then he started to put her on this pedestal, as if you weren't fit to shine her shoes. As if I wasn't fit to shine her shoes."

I couldn't hold back any longer. "Why the fuck are you torturing yourself Alice?" I snapped. "He hated me before I even moved in because he was jealous of our relationship, now he's trying to get Bella to–"

"Don't!" she whispered, turning to the window again. "You don't know what he was like with me." Her shoulders sagged. "Remember when you and I were growing up? We had tongues wagging because you were so wild and I was the only one who could talk you down. Do you remember the disapproval, the judgement, the interference from people who didn't understand?"

"That was different, we were kids and there was no question of anything like this."

"Maybe it's the same for them," she said quietly.

I was horrified. "You can't believe that, Alice. I never stood in your way with any of your boyfriends and you never... well you never stopped me."

"This is new to them. You know Bella's never had a boyfriend, he's never had to cope with these feelings."

"So you're taking him back? Despite the fact he made a move on Bella?'

She whirled, her expression agonized. "Did he?'

Shit!

I didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was, but I'd said it now and I couldn't take it back. "Yes. He told her he wants her."

Her face crumpled into a mask of grief, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. I shot off the sofa and held her while she cried. It could have been minutes, but it felt like hours before she finally stilled in my arms, emotionally spent.

I pressed a tissue into her hand and she blew her nose noisily. She sat with her head on my shoulder while her breath shuddered from her lungs.

Eventually she was able to speak. "What about you and Bella. Are you okay?"

I nodded. "We talked everything through."

"That's good. At least it hasn't ruined your relationship too." She offered me coffee. I didn't want any but I accepted because I knew it was driven by her need to be doing something. "Have you told her you love her yet?" she asked, causing my mouth to drop open in shock.

She turned and smiled weakly. "Oh Edward, don't look so surprised. I know you. In fact, I know you so well, I'm sure I knew before you did. So did you tell her?"

I nodded.

"Good," she said, turning back to the coffee.

I wanted to talk to her about the books and stuff but there would be plenty of time for that, the last thing she needed tonight was to feel as if she'd done something wrong. Her shoulders started to shake again and I placed my hands on them.

"Alice, I don't know what to say to you," I whispered through gritted teeth. I wanted to offer to go back to Forks and kick ten colors of shit out of him. "He doesn't deserve your tears."

She swept her hand across her face, ridding it of tears. "Would you mind if we don't have coffee?" she asked, looking up at me through watery eyes. "I think I just want to be by myself for a while."

To my shame, my initial reaction was relief. I was out of my depth here, but then I thought of all the times Alice had been there for me when we were growing up. "I can stay. We don't have to talk." I wiggled my shoulder at her. "You can have this to cry on all night."

She giggled but it sounded hollow and forced. "No thanks, Edward. I really need to be alone."

She was resolute in her rebuttal, so I kissed her head and let her walk me to the door.

As I walked home, some of the tension from the last twenty four hours started to dissipate and for the first time I thought of Bella without apprehension. My pace quickened. I couldn't wait to see her again, even though I'd left her only hours before.

I'd been wrong about everything and yet I'd never been happier to find myself wrong. The one and only tiny blot on my landscape was that I still worried that I wouldn't be enough for her, that I wouldn't be able to sustain this level of... I couldn't think of one word to adequately describe our connection.

I let myself into the apartment and my nose was instantly greeted by the pungent aroma of garlic. My mouth watered. I could hear her singing to herself in the kitchen and followed the wonderful sound of her voice. She looked up with shining eyes, and the loveliest blush crept over her cheeks.

Fuck. How have I managed not to make love to you?

She stepped towards me. "How was Alice?" she asked, the first flush of her joy in seeing me disappearing, replaced by her concern for Alice.

"She wants to be alone."

"Does she hate me?"

"God no," I said taking her hand. "Nobody could ever hate you Bella." I rubbed my thumb across her knuckles affectionately. "She's hurting, and I think seeing you would just remind her of him."

Her shoulders sagged. "Does she hate Jasper?"

I felt myself stiffen but I tried to hide it. Her quick glance told me I hadn't succeeded. "No," I spat, and she raised her eyebrows at my harsh tone. "I'm sorry Bella, but she should fucking hate him!"

"Let's not argue about it." She squeezed my hand. "Dinner's ready."

We talked while we ate dinner, keeping the conversation strictly on neutral ground. After dinner we worked in tandem clearing up and doing the dishes. The new dynamic between us amazed me. I was enjoying her company on a whole new level. I loved the way she trailed her hand across my back when she was squeezing past me in the tight space. In fact, a couple of times she rubbed against me so shamelessly I couldn't believe it wasn't on purpose. I had to force myself not to grab her.

As she rinsed the glasses I looked out of the window. It was a lovely evening. "Let's go for a walk," I suggested, thinking I might cool off if we were outside the apartment.

She turned with one eyebrow quirked. "Why?'

Because all I want to do is bend you over the counter and take you.

I chuckled. "Because it's a nice evening, and I want to take my girlfriend out." The word girlfriend seemed to hang in the air between us, but as I watched her eyes light up it thrilled me too.

"I'm your girlfriend?" she asked quietly, a ghost of a smile playing on her delectable mouth.

"My one and only." I grinned, pulling her to me and kissing her. I loved the way she melted into my embrace. Her hand delved into my hair as she pressed her body against mine. I hardened instantly. Not having her was killing me, but for the first time in my life I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to mean something, and I wanted us both to be on the same wavelength when it happened.

As much as I craved her, the need to do things properly was stronger. I couldn't slip or fall into old habits. It all had to be new. In terms of relationships, I was a virgin too. She'd let me open my heart to her last night and it touched me in ways I'd never thought possible. She'd silenced me with her proclamations of love and she'd coaxed my own out of me. I couldn't fuck this up.

Even though I believed she loved me, I still had to prove myself worthy of it.

Her cheeks were glowing and her eyes glassy when I pulled back from the kiss I couldn't resist giving her. I loved the effect I had on her, and for good measure I pressed my erection against her to let her know the effect she was having on me.

"Do we have to go out?" She pouted.

I slapped her ass gently. "Go get your jacket."

She giggled and practically skipped to her room.

I watched her ass as she did.

Fuck! What I wouldn't give to bend you over the sofa and...

The learning curve would be steep.