Chapter twenty nine- What's To Come
23rd April 1993
Dear Diary,
I've just experienced a person's worst nightmare. I feel- I feel like I'm supposed to have done something but what could I have really done? After what I saw how could anyone just go on with their life, something terribly horrifying just happened and I've decided you can't describe it; you just have to see it to believe it. If you want to know what it was like it was like watching a horror movie acted out. What I saw could have been part of a horror movie but it wasn't it was real life, a real vampire and a real young girl just died in front of my very young eyes and I couldn't even get up and help her.
What if I had been able to get off the ground, would I have saved her or at least tried to help? Not even I can answer that question, no one ever can and no one can change what happened because no one has the power to turn back time. If only, if only sentences are running through my head where the strange voices were running around but they left and that what if and if only are occupying their space.
I scream but no one hears me, I'm not heard because the screams only seem to exist inside me and the screams cannot be heard over the other noises inside. I scream and scream but no reaction from the outside world and I'm alone with my screaming and cannot share it with another soul.
I've been up here for two days in my room. I haven't been able to eat, I've tried but I'm just sick afterwards. Xander and Jesse have come over and I try to scream but they don't hear me either. It's painful when no one reacts to the screaming, I want to release my pain but it's difficult when I can't be heard. I told Jesse and Xander what happened but I couldn't tell them everything because when I tried I couldn't stop crying and they hate to see me cry. They told me their going to make sure that I won't get hurt by this vampire, I tried explaining how powerful he was but they don't seem to understand how dangerous he really is.
I haven't told my mum and dad about what happened, if I did they wouldn't let me go to camp this year and I have to go. Sometimes parents don't understand everything about you, they don't understand what must be done and what must happen so it's safe sometimes not to tell them everything. You just have to know when to tell them and when not to tell them certain things.
Camp this year will be tough. I'm going to have to explain what happened another time, this time to Faith but I'm not so sure if I'll tell Kendra everything. I haven't known her for as long as Faith and I know I can trust Faith. I can trust Kendra, I think, but for the time being I plan not to tell her about my experience with the vampire.
I just wish someone could tell what was to come. I want to know what's to come. I want to know who I really am and I want to know what power I have. Two people have told me I hold a power but all I came up with is my potential powers and the pocket watch but I don't like the idea of the pocket watch. A pocket watch can't hold any real power and it doesn't make sense. I need to find out soon what power I have but I can't right now after what I experienced; too much is going on for me at once and if I try and focus on the power I'll just make things worse.
Apparently their gonna close up the old alleyway because it has been known as the bad part of town that's dangerous and after what happen on April 21st they have proof why they should close it now but if only they had closed it up sooner maybe this wouldn't have happened, maybe a girl's life wouldn't have been so short.
Another thing, I got a package in the mail yesterday. When Xander had come over he put it into his backpack and brought it up here. He did the right thing; it was from camp and what had come I wouldn't have wanted my mum to see or my dad. It was about the new organisation of camp and how things have changed, new topics to study, new teachers, more potentials this year and warning letters about my behaviour. There was also a small letter enclosed and when I opened it I was surprised to see who it was from, Wesley. He said he was sorry that he left so quickly when he had visited but he was being tracked down by the council and had to leave before they found out he was at my house. He told me that the council had been acting strangely around him for the past year and he thought they might have been planning something for the next camp that they didn't want him to know. He said he didn't know yet what they were planning but was trying to discover what it was.
When I go back to camp I wish I could just start all over again, fresh, like nothing never ever happened, me and Faith just best friends like we are now and go to classes, don't get harassed, don't get captured or locked away or get in trouble. I just wish things could go back to normal but things were never normal and wishes don't come true so I guess I'll just have to try really hard to make all this come true in my dreams. Lately I haven't been able to dream because I've been having that same nightmare over and over again playing in my mind. You know the nightmare where you see a young girl running through a graveyard screaming for help then runs into an alley and never leaves the alley for the rest of her life, she is stuck there all because of some other girl who wouldn't get up and save her, this girl's life ends in an old alleyway while the other girl just hides and watches her die and ends up leaving the alley alive. Have you ever had that nightmare?
Love Buffy
