Moonlit Wishes
Book III, Part II
Sami sniffed and wiped at the residue of tears after EJ left the house in such a hurry, she looked around EJ's room, taking one last glance at his bed where they had lain together and stifled the urge to straighten up the covers so that it would look like they had never even been in bed together at all. No, she wasn't going to erase what happened between them tonight although if she was a betting woman which anyone with a drop of Irish blood surely was, she'd bet EJ was going to acquire a sudden case of amnesia where she was concerned.
Not that she could blame him because she knew she was woman enough to own up to that specific act because she could and had played it to a tee several times over the years with EJ. One minute she could be hot as fire, the next cold as ice and EJ had been the recipient of her bipolar personality on several occasions.
When the other shoe was on your foot though somehow it sure felt a whole lot heavier and didn't fit well at all and it was something she had tried not to think about seeing as how deflection was deeply ingrained into her being. Denying the truth when it was staring her straight in her face was a specialty of hers; acting like she didn't care when in fact she was too scared to take the risk because she might get hurt.
She'd always went with the safe route choosing men she could mold and bend to her will, better to know what you were getting yourself into and could control than going into something blind hoping that you wouldn't crash and burn if you took that daunting leap of faith that would send you into the unknown.
When she'd had the chance she shied away from choosing EJ after she found out his true family lineage, he'd lied to her about who he was and she'd been mad at herself for not being more wary of him from the start. With EJ DiMera you never knew where you stood or where he might take you emotionally, and she didn't even want to venture into the physical attraction she had felt from the first time she had met him. There had been something in his eyes sparking with mischief that dared her to find out exactly what he thinking.
She remembered how excited she felt as she was getting to know him and then when she'd realized he was a liar just like her, it changed everything for her. EJ wasn't charming he was playing a game and he'd played her.
Thinking of how he had fooled her into believing he was her friend that he preferred her company over her perfect sister Carrie was the first brick she used in building the wall to protect her heart from him. No one could love her for her, sure she'd had men in her life who professed their love, but when the chips were down they all left her. No one wanted a liar and a schemer for a girlfriend or heaven forbid having a wife who had those attributes to her personality.
They just didn't. Men had claimed to love her, but really they had just wanted sex, something she knew she excelled in because she knew sex equated to power and she loved having that kind of power over men.
EJ had been different though, he challenged her to tell her family to go to hell if they didn't like who she was, but he hadn't meant it. He'd just wanted her for some sick game of revenge that Stefano cooked up to make anyone related to the Brady's pay.
Sometimes she wondered why her family's approval had meant so much to her because now she could honestly say she really didn't like most of them. Sure she loved them, but you could love your family and not genuinely like them. The dinner from hell tonight had been just another prime example of how her family didn't understand her or she them.
She hated the little small voice that was telling her EJ understood her or she thought he did most times even if he'd spurned her advances tonight. She'd really acted like a ho tonight begging EJ, my god she'd even said please which was a difficult word for her to articulate, but she was tired of being lonely and while she knew a lot of women wouldn't admit it, she liked sex.
She liked it a lot.
She'd really like another chance to have sex with EJ because he had some moves that defied logic, not to mention gravity. Well unless he changed his mind, which she highly doubted especially after that little speech he had given her earlier, she was either going to have to keep fantasizing about him which she had to admit she'd gotten pretty good at ever since she'd read those letters he had wrote her or break down and tell him how she truly felt about him.
That pesky insecure side of her was screaming no, don't you dare because he'll reject you just like he rejected your advances tonight. She really didn't know how EJ had done it, she'd spurned him so many times and he had kept coming back for more.
Trouble was she was still kind of confused on those feelings because when she thought of EJ she had so many different emotions where he was concerned that it was difficult to pinpoint all of them. How could she categorize what she felt for EJ? She'd thought she'd been in love several times in her life and each time the feeling had left her feeling less than satisfied.
Or maybe those men couldn't satisfy you or keep you interested, her inner goddess threw in there for good measure.
Did she love EJ? Was the way he made her crazy one moment and downright furious the next what love was? He was right on one thing tonight, they were compatible sexually, but could they really make things work in a relationship like a husband and wife? She knew they could handle the day to day things with the children, they were quite good at it if she did say so herself when they were working together instead of fighting one another and trying to keep the other from seeing the children.
The nagging voice in her head was screaming if she'd gave him a chance when they were actually married instead of trying to avoid him at every turn she might already know the answer to her question.
She'd almost given in the night he begged her not to leave, to just admit she had feelings for him and even though she had whispered to him that he knew she did, she had handed him back her wedding ring and then ran away because her insecurities were huge wherever EJ was in the equation.
EJ was one of the few men who actually scared her because he had a temper as volatile as hers and when they fought it was awful, but for all the awfulness there had been laughter too when she had let it come back into their relationship. She really did like EJ being her friend.
Could her friend EJ also become her lover too? Could EJ the man she'd been searching for all along?
There had been times she had thought she might lose him and she remembered the fear thinking EJ wouldn't be there anymore. That feeling left her reeling and it was scary to realize someone could be that important to you.
Was that love?
Hell she was so screwed up that she honestly didn't know, but at least she knew EJ was in the same boat with her because he was messed up too.
How did two fucked up emotionally handicapped people have such beautiful and wonderful children?
Sometimes life was a mystery and that had to be one of the biggest of life's mysteries, for her at least.
Did she love him? Some days she really didn't think she loved herself or anyone else beyond her children whom she loved unconditionally.
Was she going to try to find out for sure even if EJ would probably fight her every step of the way if tonight was any indication of what he felt about her now?
Most definitely…
