Disclaimer: Don't own twilight, but I did get to have fun inventing the therapist persona for Kate…..
Oh, and since its May 13th. We have to send out a special birthday wish to our beloved Robert Pattinson.....Happy 23rd!
A/N: I know, I know this chapter is almost a week and a half late. I have no excuses, it was entirely my fault, and I hope that the wait is worth it…..
Introductions and Stalled Progress
BPOV
It was official; I would never underestimate what Esme Cullen did with her time ever again. I guess I never realized exactly how difficult it was to plan a society philanthropic event. The gala had taken on a life of its own, but at least I had been able to concentrate enough to get my assignment done. The elite of Seattle's young society would be in attendance in full force this year. Between my networking with the alumni association at UW and Jacob's connections at the Mariners, the under thirty crowd would be at the Halloween Masquerade Ball in numbers. The guest list had topped out at over 300 and we actually had to pull advertising because the venue could not hold anymore than that and still meet fire code.
Today would be the final meeting between the media team and myself and it would be the first time that we were all actually in the same room together. Phone conferences and email exchanges had been the bulk of our communications because of our schedules. I only hoped that I would be able to keep the meeting brief, because today was my couples appointment at Dr. Vines office, and I had to keep up the momentum with writing my column. I had never really like Wednesdays before and these sessions only seemed to cement that fact.
Today would be the first real time that she forced me to confront Edward in a session and I was not looking forward to it. I had no idea how he was going to respond to me, and I didn't want to get into a fight in the middle of the therapy session. He was not going to like what I had to say to him, and I had a feeling that his response was not going to be favorable or paint his behavior in a good light for Kate.
I guess that I was mostly afraid that what I had to say to him would put the progress we had just started to make at a standstill. I still didn't fully trust that he wasn't going to run again, so I guess that this would be his test.
My phone beep from my briefcase pocket, and I quickly reached down to pull it out.
Hey B~ Running a little late this am, start without me. I'll be there asap ~ J.B.
Well, at least he was coming this time. The last time that we had attempted to organize a meeting, neither Jacob or Alice showed up, and Rosalie left early because Em called saying that Evan wouldn't stop crying. Evan had been colicky since they brought him home from the hospital, and Rose seemed to be the only one who could adequately calm him down when he was overtired.
I was looking forward to our meeting. I hadn't had the opportunity to meet Edward's cousin Vanessa yet, even though we had been together for almost six years. She grew up somewhere in the Midwest, and it seemed that every time she came to visit Esme, we were busy. She was twenty-two, and when we had gotten married, she had already left for a summer abroad program to study art history across Western Europe.
Apparently, she was Esme's favorite niece, and she loved to follow Edward around when they were little. She was the only daughter of Esme's sister Elizabeth, and she had always been like her daughter. Edward loved his cousin, but from how he talked about her, I think that he always thought that she was a little too free spirited and artsy, which is why I am sure that she got along with Esme so well.
During the whole weekend, Edward was acting bizarrely, it was like he was on his best behavior, and he even volunteered to help me clean the house on Sunday and do laundry. At first, I thought that he was just trying to butter me up for something, or he was going to announce something horrible to me, but he actually listened intently when I explained to him the importance of separating your clothing properly as well as the correct temperatures to wash certain types of clothing in. I kind of wondered whether he was really my husband, or a doppelganger sent to collect information on dysfunctional human couples.
Then when I accidentally dragged my cast through the stream of warm water in the utility sink when I was pre-treating a stain on one of his dress shirts the husband I know and love made an appearance. I got a lecture about how I had already had one cast replaced because of negligence involving water exposure, and how it was negatively going to affect the healing process.
Overall, we seemed to be getting along much better, and I felt like the resentment that I had been bottling up and letting fester for months was dissipating. I didn't have the urge to make cutting remarks or yell at him, or throw things, if anything, his behavior was making it hard to stay true to our self imposed sex embargo. Edward and I had both decided that even though I was cleared for 'strenuous activities' that it would probably not be a good idea to indulge until we felt that some of our issues had been resolved in therapy. A few months ago, I was complaining that he never wanted to have sex, now we were actively avoiding it for the sake of our marriage, talk about irony.
For right now, at least, it looked as if my marriage was on the mend, and I felt better about myself as well. The past month had been challenging, and I had come out the other end without any major breakdowns. The pain was still there, just underneath the surface, but with each day that passed, I felt myself coming to terms with my child's death. It was strange to think about, especially since it had happened so early on in the pregnancy, but it was what it was, I had still lost something important.
I was still unsure of whether or not I wanted to try again, I didn't want to live in fear that I could lose another child, but I did want to be a mother, so I was going to have to face it sometime in the future. Edward had been talking about our future more since we had started going to therapy, and a majority of the time he brought up the discussion, he talked about starting a family. He had gotten quite attached to Evan since Em and Rose had decided to forgive his behavior after the miscarriage, and I could see the excitement in his eyes when he held the little boy in his arms. I tried not to think about it too much, because I didn't want to focus on the fact that I was still wary of having children with him. I was trying to trust him and listen to his thoughts, but there was a part of me that was hell bent on self-preservation. I couldn't let myself get attached to the idea that everything was going to be alright, I think I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"You ready Bells?"
I jerked my head up from my desk as Rosalie's voice startled me. I hadn't realized that it was time for the meeting already. I had been so worried about my therapy session this afternoon that I had completely spaced out the last twenty minutes.
"Um, yeah Rose, I um…..have you seen anyone else yet?"
She laughed quietly at my incoherent statement and told me that she saw Esme waiting in the conference room with a young woman who could have been my twin, but with better hair.
"Thanks Rose, nice to know that you feel so strongly about my horrible hair."
"It's not horrible Bells, the color is nice, its just the fact that you don't have any idea what to do with it that makes it so well, um, boring. You really could give middle aged soccer moms a run for their money."
"Oh, so you mean you in five years," I deadpanned as Rose tried to shoot me a dirty look, but the slight shake of her shoulders gave her away.
"Nice Bella, real nice, and we both know for a fact that I will definitely be on the MILF list when Evan is older."
I shook my head at her as I undocked my laptop and pulled it and my folder for the meeting up into my arms. "Only you would be proud of that fact Rose, most moms would be appalled."
"I personally think it would be flattering, in a Mrs. Robinson kind of way."
"Ok, enough talk about you having teenage boys lusting after you, we actually have to get some work done today."
Rose followed me down the hallway to the conference room that our meeting was being held in. Luckily, Suzanna had convinced Couture, that having a few of their employees affiliated with a major charity fundraiser would be good for business, and it also didn't hurt that the magazine was listed as the main sponsor for the event, so Alice and I were cleared to work on the Masquerade Ball in house, on the clock.
I could see Esme smile brightly as I pulled open the door and gestured for Rose to step in before I followed her. She was talking to a young woman with long bronze colored hair, almost the exact same shade as Edward's, who looked to be a little bit taller than I was.
When she turned around, I gasped, because Rose was right, she did kind of look like me, besides the hair.
"Bella, this," Esme said as she gestured to the woman beside her, "is the infamous Vanessa Masen, my favorite niece."
Vanessa blushed and mumbled something under her breath to Esme, I could only make out "only niece," and almost laughed when I realized that she hated Esme drawing attention to her as much as I do.
"It's a pleasure Vanessa, Edward has told me a lot about you," I said extending my hand.
She looked up and smiled brightly at me before she tentatively shook my hand.
"Nessie, please, and I hope that my cousin hasn't told you too many embarrassing things about me, I was quite the 'hyperactive' child."
"Don't worry, he thinks the world of you," I replied as I motioned for everyone to take their seats.
Alice ran in the door after the three of us were seated, looking flushed. I only needed one guess as to who put her in that condition. Ever since their date over the weekend, Jasper and Alice had been inseparable, she had even managed to convince him to come to the masquerade ball.
"Sorry I'm late. I just got off the phone with the banquet manager at the Fairmont. She assured me that their wait staff will be ready for Saturday."
The masquerade ball was being held at one of the largest hotels in the Seattle metro area, the Fairmont Olympic Hotel. Their banquet facilities could hold up to 330 people, so they were the natural choice for the event. They had generously offered to supply their wait staff free of charge, but the fees for the ballrooms had still eaten up a majority of the budget regardless.
"Alright, so let's get started," I said as Alice settled in. "We have 298 people down with reservations for tickets, and there are still a small amount of tickets being reserved for hospital staff. Between the foundation's budget and the donated services for the dinner and dancing, we figure that we will net approximately thirty thousand dollars. That money will go directly into the fund for the cardiac wing improvements at the hospital.
As of right now, we have a staff of thirty volunteers from the hospital and fundraising foundation that will be helping during set up on Saturday. I will need each of you to be there about a half an hour early on Saturday to make sure that everything is running smoothly.
Rosalie, thank you for donating your services. From what we can tell, the ads that you sent out netted the most ticket sales.
Alice, you or Jacob will need to work with Nessie and the printers to make sure that the programs get printed up and are at the venue for distribution, along with the place cards.
"Where is Jake?"
"He's running late. He texted me earlier, he should be here soon."
"Well it is Jake," Alice giggled. "You know how he feels about being on time."
Just as she said that, Jake's head popped in the door to the conference room and he winked at me.
"You've never complained about my timing before Brandon," he said as he walked over and sat down in the empty seat between Nessie and me.
"Nessie, this is Jacob Black. He works for Status Magazine. He is an old friend of ours from college," I said motioning from Nessie to Jacob. "Jake, this is Vanessa Masen, she is the graphic designer we have been using and she is Edward's cousin."
She smiled shyly at him and he grinned widely as he turned towards her.
"It's nice to meet you Jacob," she said as she held her hand out towards him.
"Oh the pleasure is all mine," he replied as he picked up her hand and kissed the backside of it.
I raised my eyebrows across the table at Alice and she smiled widely at their exchange. I think we had the perfect person to keep Jacob distracted with during the ball. She was quite a bit younger than us; but from his reaction to her, I think that her age was the last thing on his mind.
"What did I miss?" he said as sat back in his chair and balanced his arm on the back of Nessie's.
"I was just saying that you needed to get together with Nessie and make sure that the print for the programs, menu cards, and place cards are all set and off to the printers. Do you think you can handle that?"
Jake raised an eyebrow at me and nodded, and then turned towards Nessie.
"It looks like we will be working together this week. Want to get started over lunch?"
Rose snickered at Jacob's forwardness as Esme smiled at me. She had always enjoyed Jacob's company. He was a fun guy to be around. It also looked like he was done pining over Alice. This was definitely an interesting turn of events.
"Ok, let me go through the rest of your responsibilities and then we can all get out of here."
I spent the next ten minutes going over the rest of the details needed to get us through the weekend, and by the time we left, Jacob seemed to be quite taken with Edward's young cousin.
Alice and Rose followed me back to my cubicle after we said our goodbyes to Esme, Nessie and Jake.
"So…." Alice started as I set my laptop back into its docking station.
"Yeah, so I think Jake seemed to be getting quite cozy with Edward's baby cousin," Rosalie mused with an amused smirk on her face.
"I know," Alice said excitedly. She seemed to be genuinely happy that he was showing an interest in someone. "I've never seen him flirt that openly before."
"Well, you mean with the exception of Bella," Rose laughed as Alice shot me a worried look.
"I think it's great. Jake needs a girlfriend."
"Yeah Bells, I think that the last person he dated was in college. It's probably been too long since he got laid."
"God Rose, is that all that's on you mind lately?"
"Hey, I still have three more weeks until I am cleared for landing," she said with a wink.
"Gross," Ali and I both giggled as Rosalie scowled in our direction.
"Well, at least one of us is getting some now. You should have seen the look on my brother's face when he came over the other day," Rose laughed as Alice blushed bright red.
"Um," Alice said as she began to fidget with her hands. "I need to get going, I have lunch plans."
Rose continued to laugh and patted Alice on the shoulder. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Alice quickly turned around and bolted down the hallway, leaving Rose and I standing there alone. Most of the rest of the floor had already left for lunch.
"So how are things with Edward?" she asked as she pulled up a stray chair from the cubicle next door. She knew that we were still seeing the therapist, and that things were tense.
"They're better," I said quietly as I sat down.
"Is he being an ass again? Because I can sent Em over to straighten him out if you need me to."
"No, he's actually been really sweet lately, but I think to a certain extent I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"Are you still seeing that doctor?"
"Yeah, Dr. Vines is great. She is making me realize that maybe this rift was inevitable. Things have been strained for a while."
"Well, just keep going. I'm sure that you two can work out your differences. I know that I want to strangle Em sometimes, but I know that I wouldn't want to be with anyone but him. Arguments are a given in any marriage, I know that we have had some heated ones. At least there is makeup sex to look forward to afterwards," she laughed as she pulled her cell phone out of the front pocket of her purse.
"Please don't tell me details. I don't need to know that about my brother."
"I'm just saying," she smirked. "Well, I need to stop by the office before I head home to relieve the nanny."
"Tell Em I said hello, and kiss my nephew for me."
"Will do, and hopefully I won't cry when I have to leave him with Claudia and my dad for the whole weekend."
"Thank you again for agreeing to come to the ball. I didn't want to have to be stuck there with the love birds alone."
"Yeah, it should be interesting to see them together. Hopefully my brother won't embarrass me."
"If anyone's brother will be embarrassing, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be mine," I laughed as I hugged her goodbye and settled back into my cubicle.
I busied myself with checking my email and trying to get a little bit of typing done before I needed to leave to go to our therapy appointment.
I had managed to learn to type with my limited mobility, although the backspace and delete keys had been getting a lot of use. I couldn't wait the four more weeks to get the damn cast off. It was getting really annoying. Having to shower one handed was not something I wanted to keep doing for long.
***
Exposure to concepts such as love and marriage begin fairly early on when you are a little girl. It all starts off innocently with Disney movies and fairytales, and by the time you are six, you are hooked. The concept of love and happily ever after is ingrained into you until it becomes a part of who you are and your future goals in life.
Then once you go off to school, the realities of life begin to creep in and the focus of your life becomes being a good student, until puberty.
Once you are old enough to form crushes and have fake little middle school boyfriends, things change. Love becomes something attainable and you begin the quest to find 'the one'.
Things carry on into adulthood, but ingrained right along with the concepts of love and a happily ever after are the concepts of being independent, successful, driven, and the list goes on and on.
When you have to worry about balancing out all these concepts, it becomes even harder.
Once you find 'the one', it becomes two, it becomes an 'us' in the equation of love.
The only problem with the concept of an 'us' is that in order to achieve it, there has to be a balance of giving and taking. Some things have to be given up in order to preserve the 'us', whether it be a career, or time with your family, something always has to be pushed to the side.
When two people commit to each other in marriage, they have to learn the art of the compromise. Marriage is not all sunshine and rainbows, its hard work, and those fairytales and Disney movies you watched at the tender age of four don't tell you this. They don't tell you that you will fight over bills and laundry and other such things that the real world entails.
I never imagined that keeping a marriage on track could be so hard. When I was a little kid, I was pretty much spoon-fed information that marriage was wonderful and easy. Even coming from a broken home, I was constantly being told from outside sources that love was the answer. Love was something you gave freely and it alone was enough to withstand any trial.
If only the realities of marriage were that easy. If it was only that easy to just push everything aside and say, 'I love you' and that would fix anything.
Somewhere along the way, in my marriage, in becoming the 'us', I lost myself. I gave and he took, and I never though to ask for anything back.
Don't get me wrong, Edward gives back in the ways that he knows how, but I gave away myself somewhere in the process of creating our marriage, and I wasn't exactly sure how to get it back.
I had a new career, amazing friends, a wonderful family, and yet somehow, I forgot to be the Bella in Edward and Bella. I just became Edward's Bella. She is someone who sat at home for almost a year miserable and didn't say a word until she couldn't hold in her resentment anymore. She is someone who was afraid to tell her husband she was pregnant for fear of disappointing him. She is someone who has bent over backwards to accommodate his wishes and his wants without even considering her own most of the time. But most of all, she isn't Bella, she is only the shell of who Bella use to be.
All of those thoughts had been pushed to the back annals of my mind festering until the miscarriage. All the resentment, the sadness, the bitter angst of the situation, it had all been tightly locked away until I lost my child. And when I lost my child, I thought I had lost my husband as well. Little did I know that we had been growing apart for some time now, bit by bit, as Bella disappeared, so did the strength of our marriage.
Marriage is a partnership, and when one of the partners vanishes, it doesn't work anymore.
At twenty-five, facing down a flailing, almost stagnant marriage was a daunting prospect. It was especially bleak when you were still in love with your husband. The only problem was, loving your husband and trusting your husband weren't mutually exclusive or codependent.
When you get to this kind of crossroads in your marriage, you have to ask yourself if the fight is worth it. On some levels, if there is love, that is an easy question to answer, you fight for the love and you will make it through. On other levels, you have to ask yourself if the fight is going to fix whatever the problem is or only enable it further.
The other factor to think about is whether or not the other person in the relationship is willing to fight just as hard as you will. If the partnership cannot be repaired, and neither of you wants to put in the effort, it will never be fixed.
These are all the things that I have had to think about since Edward walked out of that hospital room.
Were we strong enough to fight for each other? Were we both going to work towards something better together, as equals?
If either of those answers were no, then the reality of the situation would be crushing. I would have spent six years of my life with someone who wasn't willing to put in the effort to save our marriage properly. Saying you will be there and that you are willing to do anything to fix it was one thing, but actually following through was another.
Therapy had been hard. Therapy had opened my eyes to the point in which I could see how much we had pushed and taken each other for granted. Edward was not the bad guy in this situation. I was just as much to blame, if not more. I knew that I was giving myself away slowly but surely and I let it happen. I let myself become someone I kind of hated in order to make him happy, and I never said one word about how it was affecting me.
To be completely honest, the thought of confronting Edward in our session today was terrifying. I had never actually told him directly, in a rational manner how his behavior had really affected me. I had yelled and cried, and joked my way out of situations like that over the past year, and Edward and I had never actually had a serious conversation about how his actions and words affected me.
Today Kate was going to make me say things to him that I was certain he was not going to like. If she were not in the room with me, I know that I would never say them, but I know that in order to keep our marriage alive I need to. Being quiet and submissive got us to this point, and they are certainly not going to get us out of this situation.
As the elevator doors slid open, I steeled myself to the inevitable confrontation I was walking towards. I couldn't hide behind sarcasm or angry remarks today, I needed to be honest with myself about how I truly felt, and once I could come to terms with that, Edward needed to as well.
Edward was waiting for me in the small waiting room of Dr. Vines office, perched in one of the blue upholstered chairs, with a magazine propped up on his knee. He looked nervous and considering the fact that during the time it took me to cross the room I never say him turn a page, I knew that today would be hard for him too.
My palms began to sweat as I took a seat beside him, and I ached to touch him. Things had been strained in our physical intimacy outside of the bedroom as well. I overanalyzed things so much that I was afraid to hold his hand anymore. I hated feeling like that, but it was inevitable because of my current trust issues.
"How was your day, Love?" Edward asked as he dropped a hand to my knee and squeezed.
"It was good. I think we are finally ready for Saturday. I met your cousin today, she seems really fun. Jacob seemed to take an interest in her as well."
"She is fun, but sometimes she can be a little much. If Jacob wants to take her on, he can be my guest, she will keep his hands full for sure."
"You don't mind that one of your friends may have the hots for your baby cousin?"
Edward laughed and leaned over to kiss me on the temple, stroking the tips of his fingers along my knee cap.
"Jacob is a nice guy, I trust him with her, but I will hurt him if he screws things up with her."
"Oh, because you are so intimidating," I joked as he scoffed at my sarcastic comment.
It was nice to be able to get back to teasing each other like we use to, but things were still not completely back to normal.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen," Dr. Vines chimed from the open door that led to the hallway that contained her office.
Edward stood up and straightened out the blue scrubs he was wearing before he turned around and offered me his hand. Once he had pulled me up, he twined our fingers together and we silently followed her down the hallway.
She gestured for us to sit down on the stiff leather couch in the middle of her office as she grabbed a few folders off of her desk and settled into the chair in front of us.
"Well, in the month that you two have been seeing me, I have noticed some drastic changes in the both of you. I think that since you have been making such great progress in your solo session that we are ready to get into some of the more pressing issues that you two face as a couple. I believe that I instructed you both to come up with one thing to tell the other that you would not have said to one another before this situation occurred. Why don't we start with you Edward," Dr. Vines said as she leaned back into her chair and pulled the cap off her pen.
"Bella, I really am not sure of how to say this to you, I promise, it's nothing bad, but you know how hard it is for me to communicate my feelings sometimes. I feel as if sometimes you tend to place me on a pedestal and treat me as if I am infallible. Then when I do something to prove that this is not the case, you immediately lash out at me. I know that I was not always the most attentive husband, but I assure you that I was trying. I am trying to become a better person for you Bella, and I guess I just want you to acknowledge that I make mistakes like normal people do."
Wow. He really felt that I didn't accept his mistakes?
"Ok Bella, how did Edward saying that to you make you feel? Do you think that his confession is accurate?"
I nervously twisted my hands in my lap as I contemplated what to say to Edward in response to that.
"Ok," I said exhaling loudly. "I guess I never realized that I set such impossible standards for you. You always seem so put together that I guess it just surprises me when you do things that seem callous or uncaring. I know that you are not perfect, and I am sorry if I made you feel alienated by blowing up at you when you make mistakes.
Normally I try to think of your mistakes as being typical, but sometimes, like when you left after the miscarriage, I wonder if you realize how much your actions affect me. I know that you have apologized, and that you feel guilty for things ending up like they did, but you never once stopped to talk to me. You just left and made the decision to distance yourself from me all on your own. I felt like you had abandoned me."
"Very good Bella. Now Edward, I know that we have been working on you letting Bella in more. Would you like to tell her why you shut her out sometimes?"
Edward ran his hand through his hair as he took a huge breath and I turned slightly to face him.
"Bella, I know that I shut you out, and I want you to know that I thought I was doing it to protect you. I don't feel good enough for you sometimes, and I felt that by pushing you out that I was protecting you from me. I now realize that I was shutting you out to protect myself more than anything. I don't want you to think of me as being weak, and I never wanted you to see me as a failure.
When you, I mean when we lost the baby, I felt as if I should have known what was going on so I could have been more proactive. I wasn't paying enough attention to you, I was constantly getting caught up in my work and I felt horrible for not knowing.
I also felt that you were keeping the fact that you were pregnant from me. I know that you had only just found out, and that you did try to tell me. Even so, some irrational part of my brain was telling me that you didn't want to have a family with me. It didn't fit in with what our plans were, and I was certain that you didn't tell me because of that.
The thing is, I never really knew that I wanted a child so soon until it was already not a possibility anymore. It hurt to know that I never even got a chance to know about my child, it felt as if you took something away from me by not telling me."
After he finished talking, his free hand was dug into the thin material of his scrubs at his knee and he was looking off to the side, avoiding eye contact. Edward had never been so honest about his feelings before, and I knew that everything that he was saying was true. I could see now that his behavior stemmed from his insecurities and that he didn't realize how much his actions affected me until the harm was already done.
"Ok Bella, now that Edward has shared with you, how about you tell him what you came here today to say to him," she said as she turned her focus to the folder in her lap and jotted down a few notes.
"Edward, I have felt since we got married that you don't take my opinion into serious account when we have to make decisions that affect the both of us. You never gave me a choice in anything concerning where we would live, and I also felt that you made the decision for me to stay at home without even considering my take on the matter.
I was miserable after a few months of being at home by myself, and I felt as if you were isolating me on purpose. You spent so much time at the hospital and studying that you didn't even acknowledge me half the time when you came home.
You made me feel like a glorified maid and it was killing me. You couldn't even pick up after yourself to help me out. Then whenever I said anything to you about how unhappy I was, you immediately turned it around as if I had made those decisions.
I was afraid to tell you about my job because I knew that it would upset you. You were adamant about me staying at home and I felt as if I was betraying you by trying to find something to make me happy.
I guess that is why I wasn't so vigilant about telling you about the baby because I felt like I was disappointing you. I thought that you would be angry with me for letting it happen. I actually felt guilty for wanting our child. I hated feeling like that, and then when it was gone, you left too, without even asking me. I felt like you are always making these big decisions for us without me.
The past few months I have finally felt like I had a purpose, I was happy and I was finding myself again. Then when you left like that, it tore me to shreds. I want to us to make decisions together like we use to. I feel like I have given you so much over the years and you just keep taking."
Once I was finished, there was a deafening silence in the room. Edward's harsh breathing and the soft scribbling of Dr. Vines' pen were the only noises audible above the rapid beating of my heart.
After what felt like forever, Edward's soft voice responded to me.
"I'm so sorry Bella. I guess I never realized that you felt that way. I should have known you were so unhappy. I was only doing what I thought was best for us. I never meant to keep you out like that. I know that you have given up so much for me, and I never realized that I wasn't returning it. I thought that by making all of the decisions that I was doing my part in our relationship.
I realize now that it was wrong of me to discredit your opinion, and I am truly sorry for that."
Well, that was much calmer of a reaction then I expected….
I don't know why I expected him to get mad and yell at me, I guess that therapy really had changed him. He doesn't seem so indifferent and cocky around me all the time.
Things had been so confusing during the last month, and I guess that Edward was trying just as hard as I was to get through this. I don't know why I doubted him, but I was happy to be proved wrong. I had just assumed that he was only going through the motions with this therapy thing because I threatened to leave him if he didn't.
"Ok, very good; both of you. That was a very mature exchange of feelings and thoughts. I think that the both of you have been able to get a better understanding of your partner in these sessions. I think that from now on, I will only need to meet with you individually on an as needed basis.
You are both beginning to open up honest lines of communication with each other, and by expressing your feelings today in a neutral environment. I feel that we have begun to make some real progress. I am not saying that you are not still in for a long road ahead of you, but I think that you will be able to work through this rough spot in your marriage.
It is evident that both of you are putting in a real effort to make this work, and I am please with the results. You both should be too."
She continued to jot down notes as I nervously wiped the palm of my good hand on the cool leather couch in between Edward and me. The nervous anticipation of my confrontation with Edward had made me all clammy, and I was happy that our session seemed to be more than half way over.
When I made the motion to pull my hand back into my lap, Edward reached over and grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers before resting them on his knee. I chanced a look over at him and he was gazing at me with a very serious look on his face. He didn't appear to be mad, and that fact alone gave me hope.
"I have a few questions that I want to ask you and then we can begin to wrap this session up," Dr. Vines said as she closed the folder and tucked it into the chair beside her.
We both nodded and then she continued.
"After spending the past several weeks sorting through the events of the past few weeks and even months, do you feel that you are ready to consider seriously trying to have children?"
This was the question that I had been dreading. Even with all of the progress, I was unsure if I was ready to take that step with him. My trust in him had been seriously shaken and as much as it pained me to admit it, I wasn't ready consider that option again. I wouldn't be able to deal with it if he left me again, and I wasn't going to put a child in that situation. I wanted to be able to trust him, but I was going to take some time, and he needed to prove some things to me before I was willing to consider it.
I took a deep breath as Edward squeezed my hand. Then we both seemed to blurt out our answers at the same time.
"No," I murmured quietly as he said, "I think that we might be ready now."
We both simultaneously turned towards one another and Edward's face had a pained expression on it that hurt to see. His eyes flickered between mine, searching for clarification and I averted my gaze to my lap.
"Bella," he said as he leaned down to look in my eyes. "Do you really not want children with me?"
I shook my head and my voice cracked as I tried to speak. "I'm sorry, I just don't know if I can trust you not to leave again. I can't bring a child into our relationship if I can't trust you. I'm so sorry Edward."
I pulled my hand away from his and cradled it in my lap as I aimlessly scratched the tender skin under the edge of my cast.
He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. His head fell into his hands and he huffed angrily into his palms before he tugged on his hair. I knew that my distance was frustrating him and I felt like my answer negated the progress that we had just made.
"How long am I going to have to keep paying for this?" he spat angrily as he shook his head.
"Edward, I don't think that Bella is trying to punish you," Dr. Vines admonished. "She is merely expressing her opinion in the matter at this point in time. If she is not ready, then you need to give her time. I know that you are frustrated that this is not coming as easily as you would like, but she is being honest with you. Six weeks ago, that would not have been the case.
Bella would have made the decision based on yours. She is trying to be true to herself, and if she is not ready yet, then she is not ready. That doesn't mean that she won't ever be, just not right now."
Edward growled as he sat back against the couch, leaning away from me. I hated this. It felt like we would take two steps forward and then back five. We were so wary of each other lately that it seemed as if our marriage was still crumbling.
"I know. I just feel like I can't do anything right. I am trying here, I am really fucking trying and I feel like I am not getting anywhere. She can't even trust me enough to consider it, she just said 'No', not maybe, not I'll think about it, just no. How is that supposed to make me feel? I feel like I just got slapped. She is constantly thinking I am gonna leave her. I am afraid to leave for work lately because I don't know if she will be there when I come back. God I am such an idiot," he snapped as he punched the leather arm beside him.
"Alright, since this question has left you two some things to consider. I feel that we are at a good stopping point for today. I want you two to discuss what you talked about today with each other once you get home. I don't want you to take what you have learned and use it against each other. You are really starting to the lines of communication open and I want you to work on that some more.
Your assignment before I see you next week is to go out on a date night. I want both of you to speak openly about your time in my office and really get to know each other again. You need to keep building upon your progress, and I feel that talking about the subject of having children will be a good thing to discuss more in private.
I also want the both of you to remember to respect your partners feelings and wishes. Honesty is not something that should be punished, and I don't want you taking out your frustrations on your partner.
Ok, now the both of you go home and cook a meal together. Even though you are both feeling stressed you need to learn to work together again.
I will see you next Wednesday, and feel free to call in and schedule any one on one appointments if you feel that one is necessary."
Dr. Vines walked us towards the reception area where we took care of the necessary paperwork and our co-pays.
Edward didn't talk to me the entire ride in the elevator down to the parking garage entrance. He stood rigid at my side, occasionally expelling a loud breath and tugging at his unruly hair.
I wanted to talk to him, but I honestly didn't know where to start. I felt like being honest with him today was a double-edged sword. On the one side, it was freeing and it felt liberating to be honest with him. On the other hand; it just seemed to make him angry and withdrawn when I said something he was obviously not ready to hear.
When we got to our cars, he quietly held the door open for me while I slipped into the driver's seat. He murmured something about stopping at the store on the way home before he shut my door and briskly walked over to his car.
I followed him out of the city towards the grocery store by our home where we had a stilted conversation about what we were making for dinner. I hated that he was seeming to push me out again, but I didn't want to aggravate him by trying to talk about it in the grocery store.
Once we had gotten all the needed ingredients for our meal, he sent me off to pay and he headed home to shower. I knew that he needed time to think about what I had said by himself and I hoped that by the time I got home that he would have cooled down a bit.
I hated the feeling of walking on eggshells around him, but I was done being submissive when it came to expressing my feelings around him. My insecurities may still have been an issue in our marriage, but at least I was being honest about them.
When I pulled into the garage and closed the door behind me, I took several deep breaths and grabbed the groceries before I made my short trip into the house.
I could feel that things were changing in our relationship, and I could only hope that they were for the better. Only time would tell, but I know that I wasn't ready to give up the fight.
A/N: Here is my official response to some negative reviews that we have been getting about making Edward's behavior in the last few chapters 'the typical asshole Edward' cliché storyline. I can assure you, that is not the case, the way that he is presented in this story is solely through Bella's perspective other than the extra chapter that was written by our guest writer. Edward, while acting irresponsible and selfish during the last story arc, is not a bad person. As Bella is coming to find out through her therapy sessions, there has been a breakdown in the communication in their marriage. They both hold views of the other that have been skewed by their insecurities and they are learning to see each other more clearly, as well as learning how to build back up honest communication. I am sorry if some of you have not picked up on that, but that is what was intended when the last story arc was written.
The breakdown of their relationship was kind of inevitable from the beginning of the story, there were several signs right off the bat that there were some serious flaws built into the foundation of their relationship on both of their parts. And they are both at the point where they are fighting to keep what they have because they do love each other and they do want their marriage to work.
I also want to respond to the comments we have been getting about Bella being 'perfect', if you paid attention to her inner monologue, you can see that Bella is afraid to talk to Edward about her concerns, not because he won't let her, but because she does not feel that her opinion should have to be voiced. Men are not masters of reading subtle communication, you need to come out and tell them when they are doing something that annoys you, and Bella doesn't do this until it gets to a boiling point. She also doesn't seek out support from him, and this leads to an uneven balance in their relationship. Bella is not perfect, neither is Edward, therefore, they needed help to make their relationship work; which is where their therapy sessions come into play.
For those of you who have never been married or in a serious relationship where you have at least lived with someone, this may not be evident to you, but being married myself, it is very easy to fall into these habits of miscommunication. A marriage is a partnership that should be based on even communication, and that is what they are both learning. Ok, now that I have come up with a 400 word rant on the intentions of the last story arc, I will leave you with this basic summary:
Bella and Edward are both flawed characters who needed help with their relationship. A tragedy in their lives brought this to their attention, and they are lucky that they are learning how to communicate at just over a year into their relationship, instead of years down the road. Neither character is innocent in this and they both have a lot to learn. If you didn't like the story arc, then I accept your criticisms, but I do not feel that this was either unbelievable or cliché.
Ok, rant over now…….
As always, feel free to send us any questions and concerns, and come play with us on the thread, we post fun teasers, and miztrezboo likes to post fun gifs and pictures for you guys.
Thank you as always to our wonderful readers, we are now over 650 reviews, with almost 400 people on alert, which is phenomenal, so thank you all for your support!
Leave us some love, and the next few chapters have some exciting developments in our character's lives……
RL kind of kicked us both in the ass this past week, so we are delaying the posting of chapters 30 and 31 until next Monday and Tuesday. They are both centered around the Masquerade Ball, and we get to see our favorite characters all dressed to the nines…..I wonder what a night at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel will bring…especially when multiple couples have reservations to spend the night at the hotel……;)
