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Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine.
Angels on the Moon
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ashley's POV
I settled in my seat and took a deep steadying breath as I clapped for the lady who had just shared her story of alcohol addiction that resulted in her losing custody of her children, her job and her entire family.
When Paul, the facilitator, asked if anyone else would like to share I tentatively raised my hand and slowly made my way to the front of the room. This was my fourth AA meeting. Arthur and I had decided that going twice a week would be good for now and then we'd increase or decrease the amount as needed. So far it was ok, two weeks in and I was doing ok.
Paul flashed me a kind smile of encouragement and I briefly smiled back and stepped in front of the lectern.
I gnawed my lip and looked slowly around the room, earning an encouraging smile from Arthur who stood patiently up the back. It was his way of supporting me without crowding me and I don't have the words to say how much I appreciated it.
I cleared my throat and started speaking, "Hi, my name is Ashley and I'm an addict."
Everyone responded back, "Hello Ashley."
I smiled briefly before I continued, "The first time I tried to share with you all I ended up running out of here, so this time I'm hoping to do a little better. Um, well at first it was just alcohol, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. Then pain killers before I started taking pretty much whatever I could get my hands on and mixing it with copious amounts of booze. I have been in a rehab or sorts for 49 days but I snuck away and got drunk at a bar about two weeks into my stay. So I've now been sober for 33 days."
I flashed a quick look at Arthur to see if that made him angry, but he just kept smiling encouragingly.
I took a moment to let my mind run over the past and then started to speak again, "I'm not really ready to talk about the why, but I thought maybe I could share the how? I guess there was a moment that became the tipping point for me. I had a choice and I choose wrong. It was about 4 years ago...
Flashback
I popped another couple of vicodin and waited for the relief. None came. I chugged down my beer and quickly ordered a waitress to bring me a double vodka. I chugged that too and still nothing. I could still feel and that was the last thing I could deal with right now.
I was at some stupid club opening, publicity or something. I really just wanted to be out of the house. Spencer kept looking at me with these big sad, tired eyes and it was making me a bit crazy.
It had been 5 months since the accident. To say I wasn't coping well would be an understatement of epic proportions.
I leaned back in the booth and sighed tiredly when this skanky looking red head came and parked herself beside me. I don't know what part of my 'fuck off' expression gave her the idea she could come closer, but there she was and it didn't look like she planned to go any time soon.
She smirked playfully at me and rested a heavy hand on my thigh. I ignored it. She leaned in a little closer and said in what I think was supposed to be a seductive tone, "You seem hell bent on not feeling anything tonight baby, if you let me I could make you feel so fucking good."
I shoved her hand away and snarled, "I'll pass."
She just smirked wider and shrugged, "Suit yourself baby, but if you really don't want to feel much of anything tonight I've got something that just might help."
I stared blankly at her and said in a bored tone, "not interested."
She moved a little closer and reached into my pocket, pulling out my pill bottle. She rattled the bottle and chuckled huskily, "These just aren't doing it for you anymore are they baby?"
I scowled and snapped, "None of your fucking business."
She handed me the bottle, threw back her head and laughed, "Now, now no need to be like that sugar. I just want to help."
I laughed harshly and sneered, "and how exactly are you going to help me?"
She licked her lips and reached a hand down into her ample cleavage to pull out a baggie of pure white powder. I'd never used drugs, but I had been in the music industry long enough to have seen more than my fair share. I knew exactly what she was holding.
She moved until she was pressed up against me and smiled suggestively, "If you really want something to take the edge off this is the stairway to heaven baby. I don't know what it is you're trying to forget, but this is the way to do it."
I stared down at the baggie and felt my mouth go dry. For the last 5 months I had been taking whatever I could get my hands on just to get through the day. The second the pills wore off everything came racing back and I would fall apart again.
At first it was just anti-anxiety pills, then anti-depressants, then sleeping pills and then more of the same, but bought illegally as my stupid fucking doctor refused to write me any more prescriptions. I was in pain and he still wouldn't help, and here I was thinking that a doctor's main job was to take away pain. Once the doc refused to write the prescriptions my manager made it happen and soon I was on some amazing pain killers too. They all worked for a while, but the last week or so I was needing to take more and more to take the pain away. The alcohol certainly helped too.
I took a deep breath and looked up at this woman who I had just met. She smirked at me again and leaned forward to whisper in my ear, "I promise you'll love it, just have a taste."
I leaned back, swallowed hard and nodded. She grinned and stood up. She reached out a hand and took mine before pulling me to my feet and dragging me into the clubs bathroom. She shoved me against the wall and tried to kiss me, but I pushed her away. I glared and snarled, "I'm fucking married, so that shit isn't going to happen."
She shrugged, "Whatever, what about payment."
I rolled my eyes, "Well I'm not going to fuck you for some fucking cocaine, name your price."
She leaned in and whispered a figure in my ear. I pulled back, and whipped out my wallet. I pealed out some bills and handed them over. She stuffed the cash down her cleavage and handed me the baggie.
She leaned in and pressed a rough kiss to my lips then slipped quietly out of the bathroom before I could push her away. I stayed in there for ages, just staring down at the bag in my hand. It was one thing to take prescription pills (even when they weren't really prescribed), but taking the cocaine was another step all together.
I wondered what Kyla would say if she could see me. That was the moment, that second of thinking about Kyla and I nearly lost my shit. I kicked violently at the stall door, busting it off its bottom hinge and hurting the fuck out of my foot. I stormed out of there in a rage and raced out to my car.
Within minutes I had found a book and was using it as a surface to prepare the cocaine. Once it was arranged in neat lines I rolled up a twenty dollar bill and paused for just a moment before lowering my face and snorting the power up my nose.
I swallowed hard and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. I breathed hard for a while and then an amazing feeling spread through me. I smirked a little and lowered my head to do another line and then another.
I rested my head back against the car seat and let a lazy smile creep across my lips. I felt light and free. I felt better than I'd felt in months.
I started the car and drove around downtown for a while, loving the lights and skyline. I drove for a while and then found myself pulling into my driveway. I could see a light on upstairs, Spencer must be up with the baby.
I grinned to myself and stumbled from the car. I let myself in and trotted up the stairs towards my family. I felt great!
I strode into the baby's room to find Spencer rocking the baby in her arms. She raised her eyes to meet mine and I beamed. I walked over and took Allie from Spencer's arms to give her a cuddle. Spencer whispered, "Ash! I just got her to settle!"
Allie's eyes snapped open and she took one look at me and started screaming blue murder. I stared down at her and started rocking her in my arms, like I'd seen Spencer do.
Spencer shot to her feet and tried to grab the baby back off me, but I kept moving out of her reach. Spencer was looking really worried, which was stupid I knew what I was doing!
Allie's screaming became more and more intense and I started to feel a bit annoyed. Spencer reached out for the baby again crying, "Ashley you're scaring her!"
I scoffed, "No I'm not! She's fine!"
Spencer was getting frantic now and she pleaded, "Please Ash, please give her back to me! You're jittery and moving all over the place, it's really upsetting her! Please give her to me."
I glared at me wife, angry that she was ruining my good mood and not appreciating my efforts to help. I turned my back and snapped over my shoulder, "She's my daughter too Spencer and I know how to look after her!"
Allie was now hysterical and it was just making me really upset. Why the hell wouldn't she settle down? She did for Spencer.
Spencer reached out again and managed to grab my arms to pull me around to face her. She searched my eyes and shook her head as tears filled her big blue eyes. "You're high."
I shook my head vehemently, "No I'm not!"
Spencer didn't say a word, she just leaned in and forcibly removed our daughter from my arms. She walked back into the nursery, I hadn't even noticed us walk out, and shut the door softly behind her.
You know what? Fuck her! Fuck her for ruining my good mood! Fuck her for bringing me down when I was actually feeling good for the first time in months! Fuck her for turning my baby against me and fuck her for...well I don't know! Just fuck her!
I strode angrily back down the stairs and into my music room. I pulled out the baggie and within minutes I was feeling great again. I poured myself a vodka from the bar and started playing my drums. I was so happy and just wanted to make music!
I jumped, startled when the door to my music room was flung open and a fuming Spencer stood on the threshold. She glared and snapped, "Are you kidding me right now? It's fucking 3 o'clock in the morning, I'm trying to get Allie to sleep and you think NOW is a good time to play the goddamn drums? Are you fucking out of your mind?!"
I slammed down the drum sticks and rushed over to Spencer. I pressed her up against the wall and tried to kiss her. Seeing her all mad really made me hot.
Spencer roughly shoved me off her and stared at me in disgust. She turned on her heel and stormed out, shutting the door firmly behind her.
"Well fuck you then!" I shouted after her.
"Stupid bitch doesn't know how to have any fun!" I mumbled to myself as I threw myself onto the sofa and picked up the bottle of vodka. I took a big drink, then another and then another. The rest of that night, and many of the ones that followed, are a blur.
End Flashback
I took a deep, calming breath and said softly, "So yeah, I woke up the next day and apologised to my wife. I swore that was it and that I'd never use drugs again. That promise lasted four hours and then I was crushing up my vicodin to see if would work better being snorted. It did for the record. From there it just got worse. Harder drugs, more of them, more booze. It just spiralled out of control so quickly I don't think anyone, least of all me, saw it coming."
I looked down for a moment and then looked back up with a smile, "It's been really hard, but I think I may even be ok one day. I found some inspiration again and have started playing music and writing songs which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. I found a piece of myself that I lost and thought I'd never get back so maybe that means I can be ok."
I looked around at all the faces. Some were sad, most understanding, some wistful, some just looked numb. I looked down at my hands and then mumbled, "Thank you for listening, I think it's really helped."
Everyone clapped as I stepped down and walked back to my seat. My eyes found Arthur and he was beaming proudly at me. I smiled back, feeling just a little bit proud of myself too. Maybe I was really going to be ok. Maybe I would be able to find the strength to stay clean and be a mother to my daughter, a daughter to my parents, an Aunty to Sammy and baby Zach, a sister and friend to Glen, Clay, Chelsea, Madison and Aiden and maybe, just maybe I would be able to be a wife, lover and best friend to Spencer.
Spencer's POV
I held Allie's hand in mine as we walked up the path to our front door. We'd just been with Vanessa and Hailey to see Anne at work and to show the girls the elementary school they would be going to in the new school year. It was a bit full on to think that my little girl would be going to school. She was excited, but I was definitely not ready.
Allie skipped as we walked inside and gave me a huge grin as she said, "I can't wait to go to school Mommy!"
I smiled a little sadly and replied, "I'm so glad kiddo, school is going to be so much fun and I know Nanna will look out for you and Hailey. You know Mommy, Momma, Aunty Kyla, Uncle Glen, Uncle Clay and Uncle Aiden all went to that school right?"
Allie nodded and recited, "But Aunty Chelsea and Aunty Madison didn't meet you all until high school because they went to a different school."
I nodded, "Correct baby girl. So after summer you and Hailey will start kindergarten!"
"Yay! Can I call Gramma and tell her about it?" Allie asked excitedly.
I nodded and quickly dialled my Mom on my cell and passed the phone over to Allie who started jabbering as soon as my Mom answered.
I laughed at my adorable girl and sat on the sofa. It would be Christmas soon and then not too long after it would be Allie's fifth birthday. A date that conjured a mix bag of emotions and memories. It was the date that my miracle baby had been born, the date Kyla had her accident and then the date where my wife had left us two years later.
Her third and fourth birthdays had been hard. I had spent those days hiding the anguish in my heart from my way too perceptive daughter and then fallen apart at night once she was asleep and I was alone. I'd spent way too many nights alone crying myself to sleep.
I wasn't sure what Christmas and Allie's birthday would bring us. I mean it had been easier to live through those occasions without Ashley when she was far away and almost just a figment of my memories, but how were we going to play it now that she was right here only a few hundred feet away at most? Were we going to spend Christmas together? Would Ashley be at Allie's birthday? Did I want her there?
I guess Allie's birthday was far enough away that I could put it out of my mind for a while, but Christmas it was only a month away. I sighed, maybe I should talk to Mom and Dad, or maybe even Ashley? Find out where her head was at.
Christmas was always a big deal for us. It was my favourite holiday and Ashley was very quickly infected with that love until she was almost more obsessive about it than me.
I think my favourite Christmas so far (pre-Allie of course, there is nothing quite like spending Christmas day with your child) was the first Christmas after Ashley and I got married. It was such a special day.
Flashback
I felt the bed shift next to me and could feel my wife's eyes on me as I feigned sleep. I really struggled to keep the grin off my face at her impatient sigh. Ashley was such a kid on Christmas morning and I'd bet money on it being way too early to be out of bed.
I felt Ashley move closer to me and almost laughed when she whined in a whisper, "Spencer! Spence, gosh will you please wake up!"
I reached up suddenly and pulled her down into my arms, earning me a loud yelp of surprise. I snapped my eyes open and beamed at my gorgeous brunette as she lay sprawled in my arms. Ashley pouted down at me and said, "That wasn't very nice Spence."
I smirked and said softly, "Merry Christmas my beautiful wife."
Ashley's pout quickly transformed into a glowing smile as she leaned in and pressed her lips against mine and murmured, "Merry Christmas Sweetheart."
We cuddled up together in our bed and I couldn't have wiped the smile off my face if I'd wanted to. I was overcome with pure joy.
After a little while Ashley raised her head and smiled adoringly down at me, "Would you like to come down stairs and open presents with me?"
I nodded enthusiastically and let her pull me from our bed. I accepted my robe from her hands and wrapped it around myself. We strolled out of our room hand in hand and down the stairs to our living room and our huge, over-decorated tree. Ashley had gone a bit overboard this year, but it was so sweet I was happy to indulge her.
Our living room could easily have been mistaken for Santa's workshop or the decoration section at a department store. I loved it though, because it made Ashley so happy.
Ashley pulled me over to the Christmas tree and we sat down crossed legged on the floor. She quickly pulled out our presents and sorted them into a pile for each of us. Once that was done she kissed me sweetly and started tearing into her presents like it was a race. I laughed at my adorable wife and started opening my presents at a much slower pace.
These were just the presents we had gotten for each other, we were going to the farm in a few hours to spend the day with our family, plus my best friend Vanessa who wasn't keen on going to visit her family this year.
Ashley had already ripped open all her presents when I was only just opening my third. I laughed at her impatience and started opening the forth parcel in my pile. I still had four more after this one, Ashley loved to spoil me!
I opened all but the last one, giving Ashley lots of kisses of thanks in between, and then lifted the last parcel into my hands. I smiled lovingly at my wife and gently unwrapped the beautifully wrapped present in my hands. I pulled back the paper and felt my eyes fill with tears. I looked up at Ashley to find her biting her lip and watching me nervously.
I looked back down at the gift in my hands and said breathlessly, "Wow, this...this is amazing Ash."
What I held in my hands was the best gift I had ever been given. I ran my fingers over the glass housed in the delicate, carved wooden frame. Under the glass was the handwritten music and lyrics, scribbles and crossed out corrections included, for the very first song Ashley and I had worked on together when we were sixteen years old. That song was about the feelings I was having for Ashley that I was too scared to admit. It was all the things I thought I'd never have the courage to say.
Underneath the lyrics in Ashley's familiar scrawling handwriting was a new message that read;
I'm so glad we were able to say those things we'd never say.
I love you now and forever.
Merry Christmas my love.
Love Always,
Ashley xo
I shook my head in wonder as I cradled that gift in my hands. I was moved beyond words. I raised my eyes back up to meet Ashley's and murmured, "I...Gosh...I just...thank you."
Ashley's nervous expression gave way to a blinding, nose-crinkling grin and she asked, "Do you really like it?"
I placed the frame carefully beside me and then launched myself into her arms, knocking her backwards onto the plush carpet. I dropped kisses all over her face and exclaimed, "I LOVE it Ash! This is the best present I have ever gotten!"
Ashley laughed happily and held me tightly against her as I thanked her with frenzied kisses.
After a while I pulled back and said softly, "thank you so much, I love you."
Ashley kissed the tip of my nose and murmured, "I love you too."
End Flashback
After that we'd given each other a very merry Christmas in the shower, gotten dressed and then spent the rest of the day with the Carlin and Davies families at my parent's farm. It was such an amazing day. I hoped we could make this Christmas a special one too.
Allie hung up the phone and grinned at me, "Gramma said Gramps will make me a special breakfast for my first day of school and then take me, Hailey and Sammy for ice-cream at the end of our very first week!"
I chuckled, "That's awesome baby, Gramps used to take Momma, Mommy and your Aunts and Uncles for ice-cream too. You're going to have so much fun."
Allie was bouncing on the spot in excitement, it was so cute!
She ran off to play school in her room with her teddies and dolls and I headed into the kitchen to clean up and plan our dinner.
I couldn't help but wonder if Ashley would be there for Allie's first day at school. She had missed so many of the big milestones in Allie's life so far, it would be a shame for her to miss any more.
I was starting to open up to the idea of letting Ashley back in. It was scary and some days almost too much for me. Some moments I really felt like I would fall apart, but instead I was focusing on my daughter, my work and the horses. Secretly I was also focusing on that glimmer of hope I held in my heart for a happy and wonderful future for all of us as a family.
