-CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT-
TEARS ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
Tuesday 1st December 2009.
ANASTASIA
WHAT A REVELATION. Smiling at myself, my happiness, last night was a late night of bliss. My toes curled remembering how Christian glided his lips over my body. Our kisses were held as our passion thrummed throughout the night. I knew this morning was going to be difficult, but you truly don't know until reality had set in.
I rolled around in the bed, finally onto my stomach, stretching my restless legs. Reaching out to touch Christian's bare skin, to my dissatisfaction, it was cold and vacant.
"Christian," calling to the ceiling, hoping he was in the bathroom.
Unfortunately, I only had silence to accompany me.
Twisting in the sheets, making angel shapes with my body throughout the ridiculous amounts of bedding, a small lump burned in my throat as I stared at the empty space. A white note rested on Christian's pillow.
Pixie, talk things through with Kate, last night was different. She's your best friend and I need her in a good headspace to watch out for my girl when I'm not there. I need to head into work, my apologies. I would prefer to spend my last hours with you wrapped around my waist but unfortunately my business is trumping my cock :( Message me when you land, then I'll call. I need to hear your voice, I don't want to forget it. I miss you already, and I'll be forever waiting. Your Significant Other, Christian x.
Clenching the message over my chest, I was going to miss him. I am missing him.
Tucking the sheet under my chin, closing my eyes, I tried to work through last night. It was late, well after ten, when we got back from the hospital. Kate was watching some meaningless crap on the television, I wasn't sure - the hills, OC, Keeping up with Kardashians? I have no idea, it all bleeds into one.
"Where's Ell?" I called out to Kate.
She pointed a single finger to the ceiling, tilting her head with her eyes closed, "Ana," she sighed, turning off the television, "Could you at least be like yourself?" My face screwed, "I'm trying really hard to be in the good books with Grace but…" she paused, "you keep doing crazy things, and it's getting in the way, you know." she tilted her head again. Instantly my mouth dropped open.
"Don't look at me like that," she raised a single brow, "How the fuck do you do it? Your life seems a disaster, but you're… fucking perfect." she sniffed, wiping her hand over her nose. Being brought up in an affluent house, you think her manners and poise would be a little better.
"Kate, I have no idea what you're going on about? I didn't intentionally plan this," waving my hands about unsure what she sees, "It's all coincidences. Why is this even getting to you? You and everyone else knows Grace absolutely adores you." I smiled trying to ease her worry.
Of all things her eyes rolled, and began picking at her manicured nails, "Oh please girl. You know I was nervous about meeting her and you did this!" she waved to my belly, I instantly protected my unborn children.
"You're being ridiculous." I crossed my arms.
"Sorry, but you are Ana…"
"Kate, are you even listening to yourself? Why is it you want to see me do well academically but when it's relationships, and guys are involved, you just want me to have one, but not better than yours? What is wrong with you? Are you insane? Life isn't a game and I'm not a measly pawn!"
"Holy hell Ana, and I thought you were my friend. Best friend." she got up and dashed up the flight of stairs.
What the fuck just happened? Did I just have my first official fight with my best friend?
"Ana…" Christian whispered holding a cup of hot tea, "firstly this is for you, and what did I just witness?"
"I have no idea." I wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to protect myself.
Making quick haste, I dressed grabbing the last of my clean clothes, sniffing them ensuring they were still good. I lifted my head up and down, not co-operating with my body, feeling woozy and unsteady on my feet. On my knees on the floor, I breathe slowly to gain balance with my body and life. Kate.
Hauling my luggage down the stairs was a challenge, weakness hit me hard. I never heard of weakness as a symptom in early pregnancy, but with a slight tickle in the throat, maybe I was finally getting my first dreaded cold for the up coming winter season. Lumping my bags in a pile, I noticed Kate was sitting alone at the counter in the kitchen.
"Kate, about last night." I called out, but she continued to look out to the view, sipping on her oversized cup. Smelling the aroma, it made my stomach turn slightly. It was a thick dense coffee. "Kate?" I rested a hand on her shoulder and she flinched, looking directly into my eyes. It was obvious she had been crying, her eyes were red rimmed and cheeks slightly damp.
"I'm sorry," she flicked her wrist waving a hand, "I was a crazy bitch. You know I go all cray-cray at times. I'm just emotional, hormonal I don't know," she sniffed, "I think everything was hitting me right in the fucking face last night," she smiled but it was far from convincing, "You know the realization that I won't see Ell for a few weeks." and a tear dropped as she sniffed again, putting her head into the oversized mug, slurping her coffee.
My eyes wandered the kitchen, it was home, Christian's once home. Photos, trinkets from childhood, heirlooms aplenty. We didn't even discuss when we were going to meet again. Maybe assumptions were being made, since I'm back during the Christmas break, but that's a few weeks away.
Oh God, we didn't even say goodbye last night.
"Ana? Where's Christian?" my chest grew tight, and my eyes began to water, but I kept blinking the tears back. It's stupid.
"Work," I let out a huge sigh, of course gutted about the situation, "And Elliot?"
"Bathroom." she shrugged.
"Oh." I didn't know what to say, the air was thick with tension, and I'm sure one of those knives could slice it easily.
"Can we stop being weird?" we both paused, and nodded together, letting out a heavy laugh, "because Ana, I love you girl, and I have no idea what the fuck happened last night. We never ever fight." which is a lie, but we can let that slip, since Kate always leaves any cooking or cleaning drama out of sight and therefore out of mind.
We both moved into each other, she hugged me around my waist, and started to cry mumbling her sorry over and over. It was nice for the makeup, but this was far from Kate's normal hormonal levels.
"Kate, are you sure you're ok?" her tears continued, and the mercurial see-saw flipped up and down, her being mercurial was ridiculous, it was utterly giving me whiplash.
Her head snuggled into my stomach, crying ugly tears, "You're going to have babies, and you have a bump."
"Kate, I do not have a bump," I stopped, pulling her back and admiring myself in the reflection of the French doors. In fact Kate was correct, I did have a bump. A very tiny one, but clearly it was there, balancing with my oversized breasts.
"Even your boobs look awesome and your skin too! This is so unfair!" she sobbed into my belly. "Look, I have this huge ass zit, it looks like I have herpes," I snorted at her comment, "Ana, best-friends support one another, but I love you no matter what… my zits and all." she continued to cry over my clothes.
"Oh Kate stop it, you're going to start making me cry. Jesus Kate…please stop," she shook her head refusing.
Heavy footsteps entered the kitchen. Elliot stared unsure of what to say, eyeing me for a second and then looking down at Kate. It was obvious crying women are not a common thing for him. "Mom," he shouted, "Quick in the kitchen." He was at a loss continuing to stare at me and then Kate.
Grace entered slightly out of breath, most probably sprinting down those stairs, "Elliot what's happened?" she continued to inspect her eldest, holding his head, checking his pupils, and head for any injury, "Please tell me where you've hurt yourself? I can't see any visible—" her eyes went down to his neck and he quickly lifted his collar up to cover his love bite and Grace held in her laugh.
"Mom," he groaned trying to brush his mother's touch off him. He then pointed to Kate and my direction.
"Oh Elliot," she smiled at us both, "come here, girls," she walked to us with her arms opened, "Oh, if only Mia was here too, all my girls would be together." And we were engulfed with the Grace love hug.
Kate looked at me, and smiled. She was elated by Grace's reveal, her acceptance. Silly girl.
"Mom, what the fuck is happening?" Elliot rubbed his curly top.
"Elliot, language!" us three woman giggled.
…..
"I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING CHAUFFEUR…" Elliot groaned dragging a little behind Kate and my quick pace.
"That's because you are one," I giggled, turning to stick my tongue out at him.
"I would flip you the bird, Banana, but my hands are full," he grumbled.
Kate was wheeling one case and carrying another small bag over her arm, unfortunately for Elliot, he was carrying all of Kate's other luggage and slightly struggling.
"And a fucking bag-boy." he panted his words, "Kate, why do you have so much shit?"
"Do you want me to look good?" Kate stopped, allowing Elliot to catch up, "Or just a common girl?" I turned and hooked my brow. Seriously? "Oh Ana, I don't mean you, I mean—"
"Just stop before you dig a deeper hole Kate, just keep walking" I pointed down the path.
"Well babe, of course I want you to look good, but I don't want to answer it completely, because it's a complicated 20 part answer in the mind of a woman," he grimaced at me, "help me, Banana. What do I do?"
I surrender and put both my hands up. I'm keeping out of their banter, it's on a whole different plain of thinking.
"You're no help," he huffed continuing to struggle carrying the luggage, "anyways, where is that baby bro of mine?"
"I guess he didn't want to be a chauffeur since I burden him with my lack of abilities of the skill of driving." I shrugged and continued to walk.
"What the fuck? You guys had a fight?"
"No," I scoffed, "It's just an inside joke," shaking my head, and pushing through to make it to check-in.
"Banana? Hang on, you don't have a lic—" instantly Kate's lips were over Elliot's, unable to finish his sentence.
This was common. Kate and Elliot attached at the face, at the check-in counter, security line, the gate. Watching them, stabbed me in the heart. Elliot swung her around and their laughter was insouciant. Through their final goodbyes, they held one another as Elliot whispered into Kate's ear, of course, something special making her whole face glow. They didn't have a care in the world, as everyone else rushed around them as the flight boarded. I felt like the knife severing them apart, pulling Kate towards the gate, she's refusing to let his hand go.
"Bye Elliot, see you in a few weeks," I called out.
"Babe. I… I love you. FOR-EV-ER!" Kate yelled, and Elliot replied some other sappy drivel I refused to listen to, as I was going to lose it, right in front of the flight attendant.
Getting my cell out, I quickly punch out a message to my other half.
ANA: Beauty lay not in the thing, but in what the thing symbolized.
ANA: If adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad.
ANA: I miss you already, and be back soon, SO x
My cell left my grip as we boarded, and we buckled our seats. I stared at the screen, waiting, waiting, waiting.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but you need to turn off all electronic devices and store them either in your luggage overhead or beneath your seat."
I turned and watched Kate, she was crying into the t-shirt Elliot removed and gave her as she was entering the boarding door.
"Ana, it smells like him. Oh God, I miss him so much."
Grimacing at Kate's words, I quickly nodded at the flight attendant, hesitant, and the screen went black.
…..
TAKE OFF WAS WHAT I EXPECTED. A burst of speed pushing me back in my confined seat, thrusting up, bumpy and rough until we were sky high away from the world of the living. Kate passed out as soon as we met cruising altitude. She seemed exhausted, and emotionally burnt.
Coughing at the cabin air-conditioning, my throat scratched. 'Just great, I'm getting sick!' I mumbled under my breath coughing again.
My foot hooked the strap of my backpack under the seat in front of me. I placed it on my lap, stroking the canvas, picking away loose lint trying to keep it in its best condition, it was well over ten years old. My hand fumbled inside, and eventually fetching the bundle of glitter, sticker and wonderful handwritten cursive. Mom. I slowly shuffled them, thinking of the memories good and bad which are written in these, and probably too many tears to neutralize them.
The cabin had a criss-cross pattern of shadows as some patrons flicked their overhead reading lights on. Window shutters were up and down and an absolute nightmare for the OCD but all I could see were my letters sparkling in the glinting cabin light.
No matter how many times I studied the envelopes front and back, Christian continued to find his way back in the front of my mind. Like my mother, he too, was now a ghost… we didn't say goodbye. Why didn't we say goodbye?
Bumping up the volume of my music player to a bleeding level, I tried to drown the thought of him, and listen to my favorite playlist entitled, Mom.
The list was short, but it cycled through on repeat.
In-between I stared at Kate's red puffy face, her right hand gripping on with dear life to Elliot's t-shirt and out the small window. We were above the clouds, away from the world, unseen, unheard.
…..
MY MOTHER'S FAVORITE SONGS played through countless times, tears rolls down my cheeks knowing eventually I'll need to open these letters. I never got to say goodbye, she slipped away in the night when I was at home. Of course she knew it was coming, we all could see death rattling in her lungs, but her doctors denied that it was happening. I was the only one who took their word over my own mother.
I didn't say goodbye to Christian, what happens if something happens, if we change, move apart. We didn't give ourselves a chance.
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
And calls me on and on across the universe
*Across the universe - Rufus Wainwright
The lyrics of Lennon and McCartney. The tears pour out, all the grief I've held, no matter where I've been, let go.
My hands let go of her letters falling to my feet, a slight tremor rocked me in my seat, and I quickly tighten my seat belt.
A slight dip in altitude caused my stomach to hit the back of my throat, instantly my fingers gripped the end of the arm rests.
Oh My God.
Breathing in and out, the way Grace showed me, I calmly listened to Mom's playlist. My ears suddenly popped as we dipped and the aircraft fought to stay stable. To hear Kate's scream over my thumping music, made my breathing increase, my chest beat. Our eyes locked. I could only think of two things, the letters and Christian.
"I urgently request…" the attendance was panting heavily, as if she were fighting someone or the force, "all passengers, tray tables up, the captain is requesting to turn off all cabin lights and air. I repeat there is no cause of alarm," and the ding of the bell sounded indicating the end of the message.
Why didn't the Captain announce that, what's happening?
Turning to see Kate crying, gripping Elliot's t-shirt as I tightly tugged my bag with my mother's letters, and cell with Christian's messages. I need to remain calm.
Looking around, the cabin passengers are praying, screaming, crying, and it's when the final drop, a descending pattern, Kate and I held hands, knowing now was the time to pray. Pray to whoever means something, pray to our significant others.
The engines roared, and glow outside the window, and the sheer pressure of the speed pulling us back into our seats. I looked back at my best friend one more time and closed my eyes, and listen to my mom's playlist one last time.
And the world is made of energy
And the world is possibility
And the world is made of energy
And there's a light inside of you
And there's a light inside of me.
It's gonna be all right
*Energy - In Apples Stereo
I love you Christian, goodbye Christian.
Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out…
…..
"ANA…" MY WHOLE BODY was being shaken, "Ana, wake up! Girl wake up, we need to get off the plane." Kate yelled.
"What?" I slowly opened my eyes, trying to let my eyes adjust, it was night outside, and we were in fact stationary and only I was moving, "Kate?" I refused to loosen my grip on my bag.
"Honey, now don't freak out on me, but I am going to remove your seat belt, " she nodded, and I moved the bag, and stared at the vacant seats ahead of me.
A dream.
"I miss him Kate, what happens if I never seen him again?" I said, almost in tears. I knew what my mother went through being a single parent, I remember when I was little and how horrible it was for my Mom. I don't think I'm as strong as she was.
"Ana, you're over reacting, what the hell were you dreaming about?"
It was a dream, a vivid one, but possibly a nightmare I never want to experience.
"How long does it take to drive from our apartment to Seattle?"
"What's going on, Ana, you're hot," her hand brushed my forehead and instantly I began to cough, my throat was killing me.
"I need to get off the plane… I need to call Christian," I panicked, trying to find my cell, to turn it on.
"Umm girl, you need to take a fucking breath. Now tell me what the hell is going on?"
Panicked when my cell refused to turn on, I took a much needed breath gained my surroundings.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
My chest didn't reprieve, still thumbing at a rate well out of the norm. A slight flicker and glow and the screen was awake, success. Fumbling my fingers to my messages, I re-read the few I sent before I boarded in Seattle.
ANA: Beauty lay not in the thing, but in what the thing symbolized.
ANA: If adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad.
ANA: I miss you already, and be back soon, SO x
Ping
CHRISTIAN: I miss you with all my heart, I see you're quoting Hardy and Austen. X
Ping
CHRISTIAN: Here's something better…
Ping
CHRISTIAN: I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I am in love with you no matter how long our eternity will be - Christian Treveleyan-Grey.
Ping
CHRISTIAN: :)
Ping
CHRISTIAN: Fuck I must have missed you before you boarded, your cell was off.
Ping
CHRISTIAN: Call me when you land…
Ping
CHRISTIAN: Or I'll call you…
Ping Ping Ping…
CHRISTIAN: Why is your cell still off? Ana, please answer, you're worrying me.
CHRISTIAN: I keep trying to call.
CHRISTIAN: Pixie?
The sound was bouncing off my ears. My chest was tight, as I couldn't stop coughing and my surroundings spinning a little faster than before.
A few seconds later my cell began to ring. I stared at the screen, the cell resting in my palm. I needed to answer but why was I looking at the darn thing like it was going to explode on answering.
When it stopped ringing, I could here Kate's fuzzy voice, "Ana, I've got your lover boy on speaker, he couldn't get through to you," she shook me, but my head was pounding, everything was pounding.
"Ana, Pixie, how's my girl? Ana…" I slightly heard his voice, but I still stared at my cell in my hand.
"Um, Christian, Ana's feeling a little tired, I'll make sure she speaks with you asap. K." That was all I heard of the conversation.
My cell started to ring again, and I wiped my sweaty brow.
"Jesus Ana, answer the damn thing, Christian is worried. Fuck, I'm worried." Kate's words blurred together.
I took a deep breath, which caused me to cough as I prepared to answer.
Clearing my raspy throat, I did my best to speak, "Why didn't you say goodbye?" But of course my voice broke into a thousand pieces.
AN:
Playlist - Mom (with lyrics, which I didn't add into the chapter)
1. Me and You - Barry Louis Polisar
…Me and you singing to the birds
Me and you not saying a word
Me and you wouldn't think its absurd
That's because you and I have heard
We can fly
As high as the sky
If we try…
2. Energy - Apples in Stereo
3. Within You Without You - The Beatles
…We were talking about the space between us all
And the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth
Then it's far too late when they pass away
We were talking about the love we all could share
When we find it to try our best to hold it there with our love
With our love we could save the world if they only knew…
4. The Age of Aquarius/ Let the Sunshine In (The Forest Rangers version)
…Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind's true liberation
Aquarius…
5. Across the Universe - Rufus Wainwright
6. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles
…Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…
Thank you for reading the new reworked/beta-ed "Misplaced & Found." If you haven't already done so, please favourite, follow, and review. During the month of June I'm unsure how frequent I will update (RL is kicking my butt). I hope I can still update (approximately) weekly but no promises. See you soon for chapter 29.
missmusicteach
