Episode 2x07: Child of the Moon
Under Storybrooke, a bunch of six-foot "dwarves" were prospecting for fairy dust without pay for the sixth consecutive week. Happy teetered sleepily on his feet. "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to OSHA I go!"
"I don't think so, maggot!" a nun barked, cracking a bullwhip across his back.
"Ow!" he whined, tossing his pickaxe aside. "Can I at least have some booze?"
"…Okay."
"Sweet." He draped an arm around Leroy's shoulders. "Come on, homies! Let's go over to Granny's and get some mead before the plot hits and she starts waving that crossbow of hers around."
Doc frowned pensively. "Where did Granny get mead? Or any other consumable, for that matter? We haven't seen a delivery truck in twenty-eight years."
"I dunno. Airlift?" Happy tugged at Leroy's sleeve. "Come on, since when do you have to be convinced to get drunk?"
"Seriously? You want to take a short break for beverages?" Leroy shook his head sadly. "And you call yourself a slave!"
Happy hung his head in shame.
The grumpy dwarf repeatedly slammed his pick into the tunnel wall. "Charming asked us to search for fairy dust in a freaking coal mine! And the only way…I can keep from killing him…for giving me such a stupid order…is to vent my frustrations on these innocent rocks!" he bit out angrily. "And that's…what I'm gonna…do!"
With one last mighty swing, the wall got tired of his abuse and caved in, sending the alleged dwarf sprawling into a hidden chamber. "Aw great, now I've got to find a new coping mechanism," his voiced echoed up resentfully.
David sped up to the scene of the accident in a squad car labeled Sheriff…'s Dad. "Where is he?!"
Happy was confused. "I told you on the phone, he's in the chamber with all the fai—"
"Damn it, man, I didn't ask for your life story!" The quasi-prince shoved past him.
He found Leroy in the cavern where he'd fallen, rolling blissfully in a heap of diamonds. "All right! Being a workaholic is shaping up to be much more profitable than being an alcoholic!" the dwarf sighed blissfully.
"I'll just take those." The Mother Superior shoved him aside. "Now get back to work, meat, or I'll have you beaten!"
"Wait a minute," said Henry, who was present for some reason. "All we need in order to mend Jefferson's magic hat and get our loved ones back is diamonds? Why didn't someone say so? I could have knocked over a Cartier's and had them home weeks ago!"
"I know, champ," David patted him on the back, "but your mom and grandmother would both have been heartbroken to find out that they'd missed your first jewelry heist."
"Here's to the dwarves!" cheered David, raising a glass of freshly-airlifted mead. "Not quite as short as purported, but every bit as loyal and industrious." He gathered them into a group hug. "You're the best slaves a guy ever had!"
"And the lowest tippers a lycanthrope ever had," muttered Ruby, clearing some soiled drinking horns off a table.
"A mouse," said Billy the mechanic, coming up behind her.
"Yum!" Ruby picked up a fork and bared her fangs. "Nothing better than a field mice appetizer before dinner, except maybe chicken heads."
Billy shuddered. "I was talking about myself. I was hoping we could get together and discuss our pasts over a nice vegetarian meal." He smiled hopefully. "I was a mouse named Gus in our land, and I figured, since you're kind of an animal too, my hooking up with you would be only a little squicky. Plus, I could really use some protection from that jerk Lucifer." He glanced over his shoulder nervously.
"You're Gus?" said Ruby quizzically. "Then why haven't I ever seen you with Cinderella?"
"She hasn't had much time for me lately. She and Jefferson's daughter Grace have been really busy battling the rebel Skitters together. But don't change the subject. Is it a date or not?"
Ruby racked her brain for a way to tell him she was afraid she would cannibalize him without sounding creepy. But luckily Belle, who was present for some reason, came to the rescue. "Is your boyfriend here getting violent?" she asked the wolf girl. "Do you want me to use my pleading eyes on him until he stops?"
"No! Not the eyes!" Billy screamed, running for the exit.
Ruby sighed with relief. "Phew, thanks, Belle." She glanced around the room. "Where's Rumplestiltskin?"
"It turns out I exist independently of him. Go figure, huh?"
Meanwhile, Henry had forgone in his trademark Charmings' Choice™ cinnamon cocoa for a cup of coffee. "Bleh! This stuff tastes worse than Mom's apple cider! Can I have some more, please?"
"Henry," said David worriedly, "I think you may have a sleeping disorder. However, since Archie seems to be largely AWOL this season, and Whale's preoccupied with pining for his lost Elizabeth, it's going to have to go untreated for the foreseeable future." He snatched the boy's cup. "Now go away."
Albert Spencer plopped down in Henry's vacant seat. "If he were my grandson, I'd tell him to quit moping or get beheaded." He sighed longsufferingly. "But I guess we just have different parenting styles.
"You again? Are you still alive?" David frowned. "We spared Regina's life because we owed her for saving Snow's. What possible reason could we have had for not killing you?"
"It's not your fault. I'm just too damn ornery to die. Bwa hah hah!"
The quasi-prince yawned. "Is there a point to this conversation?"
"I just wanted to inform you that you suck."
"And I'm supposed to value your opinion…why?"
Spencer faltered. "You mean you don't have Stockholm Syndrome from all that time I held you hostage?"
"Nope, sorry."
"Then I'll just have to come up with another way to hurt you." Spencer smacked him across the face. "Did that hurt?"
"No."
Flushed with embarrassment, the deposed king fled. "I'll be back!"
In the back of the diner, David found Granny welding the walk-in freezer shut. "Wow, you're a chef, a welder, a sharpshooter, and a shapeshifter with superhuman senses?" He studied her curiously. "Your first name wouldn't happen to be Mary Sue, by any chance?"
"No, it's Fido, but I don't like to spread that around."
"Wouldn't dream of it," he assured her. "So, what's with the blowtorch? Did your crossbow run out of ammo?"
"No, it's the first night of the full moon, and the kennel won't accept were-creatures, so I'm going to stick Ruby in here and hope for the best."
"Stuffing your little girl in a storage receptacle?" David chuckled. "I must be rubbing off on you." He looked at Ruby. "But what about your titular hood? Wouldn't it be a lot less cold and degrading?"
"I'll say, and I feel utterly undefined without it, but I can't find the darned thing anywhere. I even tried asking Gold, but all he gave me were some stupid notes to pass to his girlfriend." She rolled her eyes. "I strongly suspect Regina stole it, seeing as how she's a villainess and it's the only cape in town."
"Ruby, you don't need to worry," said David, slipping into comfort mode. "I know you. You'd never go crazy and eat an innocent person. You got that out of your system years ago."
"If you really believe that, then maybe you'd like to stick around and keep me company?"
He recoiled. "Can't! I…er…have to go buy my grandson some speed! Bye!"
"Baby." Ruby picked up her Ralph Wolf sleeping bag and retired for the night.
Snow White and Red ran through the Enchanted Forest of British Columbia, with All the Queen's Horses and All the Queen's Men hot on their tail. "You can't run from the Queen, Snow White!"
"Sure we can," said Snow, clubbing the guard with a rock and continuing on her way. "See? Piece of cake."
"Don't you go falling in love with him now," Red cautioned, indicating the fresh gash she'd left on his chin.
"I'll try." The princess stopped in her tracks, spotting a wanted poster that accused her of treason and treachery. "How insulting and redundant!" She tore it down indignantly.
Red dragged her off the road and behind some trees as the pair of guards approached. "Come on out, Snow White, and give me a kiss!" the guy she'd whacked called out. "Everyone knows that being threatened with arrest is one of your biggest turn-ons, so you may as well quit playing hard-to-get!"
A dreamy smile appeared on Snow's face, and she started to crawl toward the road, but luckily Red managed to tackle her before she could reveal herself.
"Hello? Anyone there?" the guard yelled again. "Eh, it's no good. Come on, Ted, let's go check the movie theater. I hear she's got a strange obsession with Thor.
As the pair took off, swords and poisonous fruit baskets at the ready, Red heaved a sigh of relief. "That was close. You know, now that we're BFFs, we're going to have to have a frank talk about your taste in men."
But Snow White wasn't listening. She was staring woefully at the wanted poster. "Man, being an outlaw isn't nearly as cool as Robin Hood made it look. Maybe it's time for a career change."
Red waved her torn red hood in the other girl's face. "Hey, I just destroyed my most treasured possession while saving you, if you care at all."
"Good riddance, that thing was highly detrimental our goal of stealth. Honestly, those guards must have both been colorblind not to see it amidst all this greenery. Plus, we're always getting attacked by angry bulls."
"But it keeps me from turning into a flesh-eating beast and killing you," Red reminded her.
"Oh yeah. That."
"We'll have to split up. You should head farther into the woods and find shelter. Maybe an abandoned cabin."
Snow stared at her friend incredulously. "You really think sending an attractive and frightened young woman into some dark woods, all alone, with a supernatural monster on the loose, to spend the night in an abandoned building is going to increase her chance of safety?" She shook her head sadly. "Those guards may have been colorblind, but you're definitely genre-blind."
"Cut me a break. I'm new at this tortured monster stuff." She sighed wistfully. "You know what I could really use? The love and support of a good man who knows what it means to be persecuted by an angry mob. Maybe a nice doctor."
"Seems like you're aiming a little high, but I'll keep my eyes open," Snow promised. "Say, now that you mention it, there's a guy in the bushes over there who seems to be stalking you."
Granny walked into the only diner in town, dragging a case of lasagnas tied to a parachute. "Ruby, are you sane yet?" No answer. "Ruby?" She whistled shrilly. "Here, girl!"
Upon reaching the freezer, she found the door shredded to pieces and a large "R" carved in the door. "Ah, hell, not this again." She took out her cellphone. "Dogcatcher? This is Granny, calling with a Code Red emergency. We'll need a net and the biggest bottle of Midol you can find!"
Meanwhile, Henry was strangely dreaming about fire, rather than wishes his heart made. "Is this Hell? It's a lot smaller than I was expecting." A beautiful woman appeared across the room. "You again? Are you dream-stalking me?" he yelled. "Because that's a trick I would really love to learn!"
He awoke to an evil queen looming over his bed, and immediately regretted his decision to wake up. "Mom, what are you doing here? Have you come to kill me again?"
"Will you quit harping on that, already?" She swatted him over the head. "David asked me to come over. He said you'd been dreaming about beautiful women, and thought it might be time for me to give you the Talk."
"Ew!" The boy covered his ears.
His mom reached over to pull his hands away. "You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, or one of them gets lonely and enslaves the other—"
"Ah!" screamed Henry!
"It's my choice of lifestyle and you have no right to criticize it!"
"It's not that. You hurt my hand."
She inspected the hand and found a large burn covering it. "Henry, have you been fighting dragons without adult supervision?"
Because David's talent for finding people was specific to princesses, and the dog catcher was busy chasing that rogue Tramp, Granny was working mostly on our own. "Ruby went that way," she informed David, nose twitching. "We must stop her before she falls into the same abyss as Archie!"
Breaking into a run, they found her dozing under some anachronistic trees. "Ruby, wake up!"
Ruby's eyes fluttered open. "What's wrong, Granny? Is that damn huntsman after us again?"
"Even worse! You destroyed the freezer and melted all the ice cream!"
"Oh no! Did I eat any one while I was out?"
Granny shrugged. "I don't know. Probably."
"AH!"
"The dogcatcher recommended obedience school, but when I told him we couldn't afford it, he suggested euthanasia." Granny patted her granddaughter on the head. "Maybe you'd better lie low for a while."
David didn't like where this conversation was going. "Comfort Mode!" he cried heroically. The two women simultaneously swooned, and he hauled them off to his squad car, where a voice could be heard on the radio. "Attention all units, parking violation in progress at the cannery."
David picked up the receiver. "Who the hell is this?"
"The ghost of Graham. Seeing as how you don't have any training or experience as a cop, I thought I'd pitch in until Emma gets back. Now hustle!"
Red jolted awake in the muddy, gravelly dirt she'd so stupidly chosen to sleep in, glancing down at her hood. "I think I'll just assume it worked, even though I'd never know if it hadn't. Much more uplifting."
One of the many stalkers that plagued the Enchanted Forest of British Columbia jumped out of the shadows and snatched her hood. "Keepaway!"
"Oh no! My garment-slash-namesake-slash-PMS-medication!" She chased after him.
He appeared behind her. "Looking for this?"
She glared at him. "Popping out of nowhere, stealing my most prized possession, then taunting me about it? Who do you think you are, Rumplestiltskin?"
"No, I'm a werewolf, like you."
"How do you know what I am?"
He smiled cryptically. "I know how to recognize a child of the moon."
"Really? How?"
"By your, uh…and your…um…and your ununsual…" He sighed defeatedly. "All right, fine, I found out by eavesdropping. I just wanted you to think I was cool."
"You're stalking me? Why?" Red looked nervous. "If you're interested in me romantically, I think it's only fair to warn you that I ate my last love interest."
"No biggie, so did I. Speaking of which, there's therapy available for that, if you're interested."
"Thanks, but I should probably go and make sure my friend isn't dead, what with all those horror movie cliché's I forced on her last night."
"Aw, come on!" he prodded. "We've got kibble."
"Really?" Red licked her lips. "Well, when you put it that way, her friendship doesn't mean that much to me. Lead on!"
He led her to a hatch in the ground and knocked loudly. "Yo Desmond! Turn down that damn Mama Cass record and open up!"
Red followed him down, her eyes growing as big as a transvestite wolf's. "What is this place?"
"We call it the Doghouse, in an effort to combat the negative connotations that word often carried. I accidentally dug the place while trying to bury a bone during a sugar high."
"Then it's true? You're all wolves?"
"Well, those girls in the corner are Twilight fans doing research for a fanfic, but the rest of us are, yes." He led her across the massive chamber. "Now, let me introduce you to Anita?"
"Anita?" Red frowned suspiciously. "What's her last name? Bath? Mann? Bier? Damn it, I knew it all along! This is all a practical joke!"
Then an older, less heartwarming version of herself appeared from the shadows. "Actually, my last name's Lucas."
"But that's my name." She studied the woman closely. "And my face. And my baby picture sitting on your desk. What gives?"
Anita lowered her voice. "Granny never told you what happened to your mother."
"She told me enough. She told me hunters killed her."
"No. I am your mother."
"NOOOOO! No! N-" Red trailed off. "Wait a minute, I mean yes!" She hugged her mom blissfully.
By the time they reached the cannery, Granny and Ruby had finally regained consciousness. "That's Billy's truck parked out front," Ruby noted. "He must have snuck in to steal scraps from the dumpster again. No, wait, I smell blood."
David grimaced. "Ruby, let me give you a tip. If you really want people to stop freaking out and treating you like a monster, you might want to stop saying stuff like that."
"Noted. Now let's just try to find Billy before Lucifer does."
Granny peeked under the truck. "Well, I found half of him. That's a good start, right?"
Upon finding his lower half in the dumpster, Ruby let out a scream that shattered every window in the building. "Yikes!" David looked at her gravely. "You're going to have to pay for those, you know."
Over at the Princess Pad, Gold was taking a look at the new Honey-Roasted Henry. "Looks pretty bad, kid," the sorcerer diagnosed, "but between my fiendish brilliance and yours, we should be able to come up with a solution."
"I don't get it," said Henry. "A dream shouldn't be able to affect my physical state. That makes about as much logical sense as a mammal suddenly growing scales or a child raised by wolves acquiring perfect language skills."
Gold just shook his head. "Henry, you're standing here today because of an enchanted closet and a talking blue bug. Attempting to bring logic into the situation is only going to give you a headache."
"So what's your explanation, wise guy?" Regina challenged.
"It's a side effect of the sleeping curse." Regina looked blank. "You know, that side dish you like to serve with apples?"
"Doesn't ring a bell."
"Remind me never to go into teaching again," Gold sighed sadly. "I'm talking about that thing you killed your son with."
She threw an apple at his head. "Will everyone please stop harping on that?!"
Gold ignored her the same way he ignored everyone else, taking out his enchanted chemistry set. "You see, Henry, when people fall under a sleeping curse, the soul travels to a netherworld between life and death, and across the street from insanity. However, even if the curse is broken, which it always is, the victims can still find their way back to that world when it becomes plot-relevant."
"Well," said Regina, "this miniaturized rip-off of Christian Hell is giving my boy third-degree burns, and since I recently lost my job as an evil overlord, there's no way I can afford to keep paying for skin grafts. If you can't fix this, we're screwed."
"Hm, let's see what the good doctor has in his magic bag…" Gold rifled through his potion bottles. "Rogaine?" He chuckled nervously. "How did that get in here? It's certainly not mine! Uh…Amortentia?" He blushed. "Sorry, that one's for Belle. Ah, here we are." He dripped some liquid into a pendant. "Here, this will allow you to control the other realm until David needs an excuse to get cursed."
"My son will be safe and Charming will be cursed?" Regina eyed her former mentor skeptically. "That seems a little too good to be true. What's your angle, Gold?"
Gold smiled innocently. "Why, I simply don't want to see dear Henry harmed…yet. Tee hee!"
"Ah! He's giggling! Run for your life!" Regina screamed, shielding her son with her own body.
Down at the docks, David was back in comfort mode. "Don't worry, Ruby. It might not have been you who did this. Maybe Spencer is framing you in order to call my impartiality into question, enabling him to erode my power base, seize control of the town, and finally get his revenge for whatever the hell I did to make him hate me so much. It would certainly explain why he made that pointless appearance last night, after all this time."
Ruby sobbed, shaking her head. "David, use your logic!"
The quasi-prince laughed. "Ruby, I'm standing in a parallel universe hugging a werewolf because she's afraid she may have eaten a mouse. Attempting to bring logic into the situation is only going to give us a headache."
But Ruby wasn't listening. "Oh, if only Graham were around to cut my stomach open with an axe and retrieve my victim unscathed!" she lamented.
"Now, now, Red, don't you get canonical on me," David chided gently. "A few weeks ago, Mary Margaret was falsely accused of murder, and I didn't believe in her. What does that tell you?"
"That you're a crummy judge of character and I shouldn't put much stock in your opinion of me?"
"No—well, yes, but—"
"That you're a lousy friend and I shouldn't be turning to you for support?"
"Stop dwelling on David Nolan's flaws! I'm trying really hard to forget he existed!"
"Sheesh, you brought him up!"
"Look, Ruby, my point is, I know who you really are. A sometimes noble, sometimes violent person with a long history of murder and insanity. Just like Regina and Gold. I haven't bothered to arrest them for any of their various atrocities, so what makes you think you're going to be any different?"
"David! You're the only cop in town and I'm the prime suspect in a murder! As a taxpaying citizen, I demand the arrest that his my due." He just stared at her blankly. "Ugh, do I have to do everything around here?" Ruby grabbed his cuffs and shoved her wrists into them. "I have the right to remain silent. If I refuse that right, anything I say can be used against me in a court of law, provided that the authorities ever get off their butts and prosecute me..."
Back in the Doghouse, Red was staring up at her mom in awe. "A mom who isn't dead? I never dreamed such a thing could exist in our world!" She took out her camera. "Can I get a picture of this so people won't think I'm making it up?"
"Sure, pumpkin." The alpha werewolf flashed a smile for the camera.
"Thanks." She tucked the Polaroid into her wallet for safekeeping. "So, why did Granny tell me you were dead? Was she lying, or did she just naturally assume?"
"Lying, I'm afraid." Anita's eyes darkened. "The old witch stole you away from me when you were a baby, just because she didn't approve of my dietary habits." She covertly wiped a smudge of blood from the corner of her mouth.
"And where does my father fit into all this?" Red wanted to know. "Was he a werewolf, too? How did you happen to meet?"
"You know the story of Beauty and the Beast? It was kind of like that, only replace the word 'beauty' with another 'beast'."
"Cool. So where is he now?"
"He was tragically killed chasing a Frisbee over a cliff several years ago." Anita sniffled sadly. "But at least we have each other now." She pulled her daughter into a hug. "We're going to have so much fun! I'll teach you how to braid your hair, and ride a bike, and even stop getting possessed!"
"Sweet! When can we start?"
"As soon as you lose the hood. No offense, but it's seriously compromising our goal of stealth."
Red hesitated. "I don't know, I'm sort of attached to the old thing. It's a garment and a name tag rolled into one!"
Anita snapped her fingers. "Oh, that's right, I haven't told you yet. You see, now that you're part of the pack, you'll be getting a new wolf name, rendering the hood obsolete as a name tag."
"A new name? What kind of name?"
Her mom looked her over thoughtfully. "How about Moon Moon?"
Red shuddered. "I'll make you a deal. I'll give up the hood if you promise never to call me that again."
Down at Mayberry Jail, Ruby was locking herself into a cell while David sat at his desk doodling snowflakes all over her fingerprint card. "Hey David, you want your keys back?" She dangled them through the bars.
"Nah, that's cool, you can keep them."
"David, I'm supposed to be your prisoner!"
David took the keys with a heavy sigh. "Fine, but I really don't see the point of this. Regina's probably got twelve more of them stashed around the cell as a failsafe measure."
Spencer walked in holding a muzzle and leash. "Nolan, take this creature out to the corncrib and shoot her, or I'll send my creepy Siamese cats in to do the job for you!" he threatened.
David looked bored. "You really think you're scary enough to frighten a dragon-slaying conqueror into submission, huh?" He brushed past his ex-father. "Well, good for you, aiming high and all, but here in reality, I'm afraid I have better things to do than humor you."
"You're biased! How dare you ignore my accusations against Ruby, just because I'm a megalomaniacal psychopath?" the old man yelled indignantly. "I call discrimination on that!"
Ruby looked at the old man with pity. "Mr. Spencer, please stop pretending to be cunning. You're embarrassing yourself."
He shot her a pathetic imitation of Regina's Glare of Evil. "That does it!" He whistled. "Si! Am! Waste her!"
"No!" David locked the front door against the horrible creatures and glowered back at his ex-father. "Look, Spencer, your quarrel is with me. Ruby hasn't done anything to you. Neither have I, for that matter, but I'm past hoping that you'll ever realize that."
"Don't get smug with me, kid! This town is bigger than you think!"
"It'd have to be," David agreed, "to hold so many dimensions full of people."
Spencer rambled on, ignoring him. "And somewhere in it, there are bound to be at least a few people who are stupid enough to join forces with me. Watch your back!"
As night fell over the Enchanted Forest of British Columbia, Wolf!Red followed her pack through the woods, and apart from the voice in her head, remained completely sane. "So, yeah, a wolf is going to invade your body and turn you into a monster, but you don't have to get all uptight about it, okay?" it said.
She awoke in the Doghouse, surrounded by her canine compadres. "What do you remember?" Anita demanded.
Red thought hard. "Well, I transformed and stayed completely in control. Oh, and I heard some voices in my head. But that's normal for our kind, right?"
Anita's face fell. "Uh oh. I was afraid your dad's family history of schizophrenia might come back to haunt us." She gave her daughter a reassuring squeeze. "Well, don't you worry, Red. We'll get through this together, as a family."
True to his word, Spencer had miraculously managed to dredge up one or two dozen people among the population of three universes that were dumb enough to follow him, and gathered them into an angry mob outside Mayberry Jail. "We've lived in fear for almost twelve hours, and I, for one, can't take any more! I say we kill the beast!"
But then Sir Gaston marched up to him, flanked by a team of lawyers. "Excuse me, Your Former Majesty, but you're stealing some of my best lines, and I've obtained a cease-and-desist order." He presented the old man with a stack of forms.
"I see." Spencer thumbed through them. "Well, these seem to be legitimate, so I guess I'll just quit ranting now and kill her."
"Yay!" cheered those few members of his following with enough intelligence to verbalize their feelings, storming the place's poorly-defended gates. But alas, all they found was an empty cell with an 'R' scratched mockingly on the wall. "Aw, nuts!"
Granny and David had devised a brilliant plan to hide Ruby in a place someone as stupid as Spencer would never go: the library. "Thanks for letting us hide her here, Belle," said David as he attached some chains to a bookcase, "but why, exactly, are you in possession of these manacles?"
Belle's face flamed. "It's my lifestyle and you have no right to judge me!
Granny's ears perked up. "My superhuman senses tell me that the crowd is exactly six blocks from here, and exactly seventy-two milliliters of blood just entered your cheeks."
Belle was confused. "You're a werewolf, too? Then why aren't we shackling you to the wall?"
Granny turned on her, cocking her crossbow. "Just try it, kid." Belle backed away nervously.
David stroked his chin thoughtfully. "You know, Granny, the only way we're going to convince this mob to stand down is if we convince them Ruby had nothing to do with Billy's death. Being sort of a cop, maybe I should try that 'investigation' thing Emma used to talk about."
"Sounds like a plan. I'll come with you so that Belle and Ruby can have some time alone to bond."
They headed for the door. "Call us if the mob finds her, Belle, and whatever you do, don't try to protect her by telling them that they're the real monsters. It'll just make them mad."
"Gotcha."
Red was dozing in a basket with her name on it when someone stumbled into the Doghouse. "It's a hunter!" Quinn screamed. "Kill it quickly, before it has a chance to confirm or deny the accusation!"
Snow stumbled through the front door they had stupidly forgotten to install a lock on, frowning intently at her road map. "This doesn't look like the Lake Nostos National Monument," she muttered. "Maybe I'd better ask for directions."
Quinn suddenly pounced on her, and she laughed. "Well, hello! I'm flattered by your enthusiasm, stranger, but I already have a boyfriend."
"Wait a minute, Snow?" Red piped up.
"Red, you're alive?" said Snow. "Gee, thanks for letting me know, instead of leaving me to wander alone through the wilderness full of cops and monsters looking for you."
"Oh yeah, sorry about that."
Snow indicated Quinn, who was still gnawing on her ankle. "Hey, do you think you could call him off?"
Red tugged him up by the scruff of the neck. "Quinn, can you please stop eating the one person who doesn't avoid me for fear of getting eaten?"
"But she's a human, Red!" Quinn snarled. "Four legs good, two legs baaad!"
Red looked to her mother for help. "Come on, Mom. Does this really look like a person capable of cruelty toward animals?" She pointed at Snow, who had a bluebird twittering on each shoulder and a flock of adorable baby bunnies trailing after her.
"I guess I see your point," Anita conceded. "All right, Quinn, put down the human. We'll have those three little pigs we captured earlier for dinner."
"Yay!" cried the wolves, donning rib bibs.
"Don't worry Snow. You don't have to be afraid of them," Red assured her friend.
"Of course not," said Snow sarcastically, applying ice to the many bruises Quinn had left her with
"How did you find me, anyway?"
"I will always find you!" Snow proclaimed grandly. "I'll have you know I learned stalking from a true master of the art. Speaking of which, we really need to get back to the surface so that he can find me when he's through playing hard to get."
"No can do, homie." Red indicated her mother. "Mom, here, promised me she'd take me for ice cream once I finished my shapeshifting homework.
Snow looked at Anita, jaw dropping. "Oh my gods, a mother who's not dead?!"
"I know, right?"
"Well, in that case, I can't blame you," said Snow wistfully. "I'd give anything to be with my non-homicidal mom again." They hugged.
It was just starting to get sappy when Regina's guards barged in, as usual, to jazz things up. "Freeze, fleabags!"
"Damn. We really need to lock that door," Anita observed.
One of the guards took out his bow and, without preamble, shot Quinn through the heart. "Bullseye!"
One of his squad-mates gave him a strange look. "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Well, he looked a little more attractive than me." His comrades stared at him in disbelief. "Hey, you never care when the Queen does it!" he defended.
While All the Queen's Horses and All the Queen's Men stood there in uncomfortable silence, trying to think up a possible defense for their career choices, Anita and her pack attacked.
Red ran to Quinn's side, where the visiting Twilight fangirls were fighting for the privilege of comforting the hot werewolf. Baring her teeth and snarling to send them on their way, Red gathered him into her arms. "Please don't die, Quinn! We haven't even had the chance to get shipped yet!"
At the library, Belle was all geared up for her first sleepover. "This is so exciting!" she squealed, setting out a plate of smores and rawhide chews. "What shall we play first? Makeover, or Truth or Dare?"
"How about hide and seek?" Ruby suggested slyly. "You go and hide, while I stay here and count to a billion."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Belle started cracking up. "Honey, the most powerful creature in our universe has tried on two separate occasions to get rid of me. If he couldn't manage it, what chance do you have?"
Ruby sighed. "Look, Belle, I appreciate you trying to be my friend, but since I seem to kill a lot of my friends, maybe you should reconsider."
Belle gave her a reassuring hug. "Aw, Ruby, I've lived with Rumple long enough to know self-loathing when I see it. Stop beating yourself up, okay? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I know there's good in you."
The werewolf considered her words. "You really trust me?"
"Sure."
"Enough to let me back you into that corner over there?"
"Um…well, I…okay," Belle agreed reluctantly.
"Sucker." Ruby shackled her to the wall.
"Damn it, why does everyone I love keep locking me up?" Belle grumbled.
Ruby headed for the door. "Well, this has been fun, but if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go commit suicide by mob. Have a nice life, and whatever you do, don't pursue a career as a motivational speaker."
The door swung shut behind her. "Whatever. I tried," said Belle with a shrug, reaching for a nearby copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.
David and Granny made their way down the only street in town, the latter sniffing Billy's jacket to get the scent. "Pity we didn't think to try this when Kathryn went missing," said David. "It sure would have saved a lot of trouble."
The trail led them to a car parked by the roadside. "A black luxury vehicle with tinted windows!" the quasi-prince exclaimed. "Granny, your services are no longer needed. We've clearly found our villain." Sure enough, Ruby's hood and a bloody hatchet the killer hadn't had enough sense to dispose of were found in the trunk.
"She was framed?" Granny frowned. "But who would want to harm Ruby? The only huntsman in town is dead, and the only woodcutter in town hasn't been seen for months."
David took a look at the car's registration. "It was Spencer! Quick, we've got to go find Ruby so I can tell her 'I told so so!'"
Anita bent down to close Quinn's lifeless eyes. "May you always run free under the moon identical to Earth's."
"Sorry about your latest dead boyfriend, Red," said Snow sadly. "Maybe the third time will be the charm."
"This is all your fault!" Anita snarled, turning on the princess. "How dare you come into my home and attempt to say 'hi' to my daughter?! Death is the only suitable penalty for such a crime!" She grabbed a rope, trussed her up, and stuck a meat thermometer in her mouth. "Preheat the oven to 350, Rex. We're having a side of princess with our spare ribs!"
"This sure is a sticky spot I'm in," Snow noted, fidgeting uncomfortably. "Oh, if only I had some sort of magic whistle that I could use to call on a friendly wolf expert for help!"
"Mom, stop!" Red cried. "Please don't make me eat another loved one! My poor psyche is already pretty close to the breaking point."
"Sorry, Moon Moon, but if you want to be a benevolent werewolf, this probably isn't the 'verse for you," said Anita curtly, transforming into a snarling beast.
"I told you repeatedly to stop calling me that!" Red screamed, shifting into her wolf form and tackling her mother.
Anita fell backward, impaling her chest on an iron spike. "Guys, I've asked you time and again not to leave these damn spikes lying around," she coughed. "Someone could get hurt."
"And…yep, that did it. Psyche's broken," Red whimpered, running to her mother's side. "I'm so sorry, Mom! If it makes you feel better, I only kill people who I really love."
"Ugh, I should have gotten my tubes tied when I had the chance," Anita groaned with her last breath.
Making its way through the street(s?) of Storybrooke, the mob heard a howl outside the library. "It's Ruby!" Spencer announced. "Or Pongo. Or maybe that wolf of Graham's." He took out a gun. "Either way, it's a fuzzy animal, and I'm evil, so it must die." He cornered Ruby's canine alter-ego in a nearby alley. "Hey, it is her! What are the odds?" He cocked his pistol. "Die, literal bitch!"
A bolt from Granny's crossbow sent his gun flying. "Watch your language, buster!"
David rushed onto the scene. "Comfort mode!" he cried. The crowd murmured warily, fighting the sudden urge to put down their weapons and hug each other. "I said comfort mode!" the quasi-prince repeated stubbornly. "Get off Ruby's back, guys! She didn't kill Billy! Spencer did it because he wanted to make me look bad and he knew I was too cute and innocent to frame directly." He smiled angelically, a warm beam of light shining on him from above.
"Can you prove it?"
"Well, for one thing, Spencer's standing right over there, and he hasn't made even a cursory attempt to shut me up or deny it."
"Hm, good point." The crowd parted to let him pass.
Hood in hand, he slowly approached Ruby. "Ruby? I guess this isn't a good time to say I told you so?" The wolf snarled. "Right, didn't think so. Look, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I see the good in you." He inched a little closer. "Come on, Ruby. It's me, Honeymuffin."
The wolf stopped growling and licked him. "Hey, none of that. You know I'm a happily married man," he scolded gently, draping the hood over her and transforming her back into the bipedal beauty we all know and love.
"You saved me," Ruby breathed incredulously.
"Yeah, I'm a handsome prince, so I was kind of obligated," he demurred. The mob behind him roared to life once more. "Hey, don't make me turn the Charming Family Charm back on!" he threatened, running over to investigate.
He found Granny sprawled on the ground. "Well," the old woman grumbled, "in case you had any doubts about Spencer's villainhood, he just beat up a sweet old lady." She handed him her crossbow. "Go get him, tiger, and shoot him once for me!"
They found their nemesis standing in the shadows on a dark beach, before a raging fire, trying to come up with a good villain song to make the scene feel complete. "I've got friends on the other…no, that won't work, I don't have friends anywhere. No… one… shoots like—no, that's no good either. I just missed a stationary target from a distance of ten feet. I am your dentist…crap!"
"What the hell are you ranting about now?" said David wearily.
"Do I need a reason?"
"You killed an innocent man, a crime which I've suddenly started caring about!" the quasi-prince accused.
"Who cares? He was just a mouse," sneered the former king.
"I'm telling Mickey you said that!" Ruby shouted angrily.
"Look, Spencer," David growled, "it's been a long day, and I need to get home to my grandson before he spontaneously combusts again. If you've got a point, can you get to it?"
Spencer held up Jefferson's hat, smirking smugly. "Get ready to be as lonely and pathetic as I am, loser!" he crowed, tossing it onto the fire.
"No!" cried David, sinking to the ground in despair.
Ruby nudged him gently. "David, get a grip! It's a little singed, but it's been established that minor damage doesn't reduce the effectiveness of magical garments." She indicated the tear in her cloak. "Why don't we go get a stick and fish the hat out of there, or some water from the ocean five feet away to douse it with, or just smother it with some of the sand you're sitting on?"
David considered her words. "Hm, nah, I think this precious time would be better spent beating on the old man." He lit into his ex-dad like a Tasmanian devil, brandishing a gun.
"David, stop!" Ruby protested. "You've got to think of your family. You know how Snow hates to see murderous tyrants get their comeuppance."
His shoulders sagged in defeat, and he put the gun away. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking."
Spencer stood up shakily, face pale, pants soaked. "Uh…does this mean you're not going to arrest me for that murder I just committed?"
"Me? Make an arrest?" David stared at him in shock. "I hardly think jokes are appropriate at a time like this!"
Red and Snow had stopped to perform a small funeral service for Anita before they moved on. "We're gathered here today to honor Anita, purported wife and estranged mother," Snow began solemnly. "Let's try to think of all the good times we had with her before she passed. I'll never forget the time she tried to murder me and eat my corpse. And…" Snow winced. "You know, homie, I really don't think I'm the right person to be delivering the eulogy. Can you take over?"
Red stepped up to the plate. "I owe my mom so much. She taught me so many things, like how to betray your loved ones, and how to be an angry racist, and how to disrespect the woman who raised me, and…" She sighed in defeat. "You know, Snow, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that maybe living mothers aren't all they're cracked up to be."
"I'll say." Snow took the wanted poster out of her pocket and glared at it. "We both got in the wrong line when they were handing out families. Maybe we should put ourselves up for adoption."
"No, adoption never seems to work out well around here. Why don't we just forget about having parents, and try being sisters?"
"Snow White and her sister Red. Hm, that does have a nice ring to it."
"Actually, my full name is Rose Red." Red grabbed her new sister's hand. "Come on, sis. I happen to know a friendly bear we can stay with until we get on our feet."
Back at the Princess Pad, David and Ruby inspected a sleeping Henry for any signs of ignition. "Poor kid," the quasi-prince lamented. "He may never see his natural mother again."
Ruby shrugged. "Could be worse. He could have to live with horror of having killed her."
David shuddered. "Okay, Ruby, it's official. You win angst forever."
"Thanks for noticing." She gave him a pat on the back. "And try to cheer up. You'll always find them, and I don't think saying so even qualifies as a spoiler." She turned to leave. "Oh! One last thing—can you go rescue Belle from those chains I put her in, before Gold finds out about it and turns me into a snail?"
"Will I go to the rescue? Are you new around here or something?"
"Right, right, dumb question."
Ruby threw off her cloak. "Well, I'm off to howl at the moon. Something about it always makes me feel right at home. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear its landmarks were identical to our own moon's."
Mary Margaret sat in the Enchanted Forest of British Columbia, gazing at her companions calculatingly. "The only possible way this Girl Power Squad could get any cooler would be to work Red in somehow," she mused.
Emma approached her cautiously. "What's with the smile? Are you about to break into song?"
"No, just pining."
"Well, stop it and come here. Mulan has some ideas for defeating Cora, which all seem to involve large quantities of explosives, and I'm hoping you can talk her out of trying them."
"On my way."
Meanwhile, on the ground nearby, Sleeping Beauty was finally living up to her name. She found herself in the Hell expy again, and groaned. "Why can't I dream about walking with Philip while his eyes gleam, for a change?"
Then that terrifyingly adorable little boy from earlier appeared across the room, clutching a necklace. "I command you flames to disappear!" The flames subsided. "Good work, now give me a swimming pool filled with cinnamon cocoa." One appeared. "And a puppy!" A little Dalmatian appeared in the boy's arms. "Now this is what I call dreaming!"
Aurora approached him tentatively. "Hey, you! Where can I get one of those necklaces?"
Aurora woke with a start. "Snow, I've had another nightmare. Come here and bring my blankie with you!"
Mary Margaret grudgingly retrieved the blanket and went over to her. "How the hell did I get roped into being the mother figure around here?"
Aurora threw herself into her fellow comatose princess' lap. "Oh, it was horrible! That sweet little boy was back! He smiled at me and told me not to be afraid!"
"Uh…right. Did this savage monster of yours have a name?" Emma asked.
"Yeah, he said it was Henry Mills-Swan-Blanchard-Nolan. There may have been more—I woke up before he could finish."
