Just a short explanation: This is part one of the last chapter. Since it compiles an awful lot of events I thought I should divide it in two parts and pull a "grey's anatomy" on you guys. D yes. So, I'm probably posting the rest of the chapter (which is considerably smaller, just a kind of epilogue) on monday, or so. It will depend on the reviews (yes, because I'm a review whore.) and on the time I have to finish it.
So, love you guys, hope you don't kill me after this. Thanks to Kayla for the beta reading and for the people who reviewed the last chapter.
Chapter 29 - Part One
Boxes in the car, the suitcases in the trunk and Ella's toys on the backseat. Kate glanced at the vehicle once more, to make sure everything was in place and ready for their trip. Everything was in place: the truck company that was taking care of the moving was already on its way to South Carolina, because Kate had wanted to ship everything before she went there herself. She had been left with clothes, toys and personal objects she didn't want to get rid of, or just what she needed tp get by in the day and a half she still had at her soon-to-be former house.
Right now, however, Kate was also left with a feeling of uneasiness, a cold in the pit of her stomach that was nothing but unnerving. She had a feeling something bad was about to happen, something utterly tragic that would change her life forever. That was how she had put it to Shannon, who had called her an hour ago, and had laughed at this 'end of the world' premonition Kate was claiming to have. That kind of behaviour was usually more appropriate to Claire's esotherical spirit than to Kate's pragmatic self.
So, as she stood outside her house, her hands on her hips and her eyes searching through the house like a scanner, Kate thought she should definitely be going crazy. What the hell was happening to her? She had never been one to pay attention to feelings, to so-called premonitions. She had laughed at Claire whenever she spoke about how she felt things before they happened, about how clairvoyant she seemed to be, and now Her fingers were grasping her own hips fiercely, as Kate bit her lip and made a giant effort not to run.
"Where's Ella?" Kate asked herself in a low voice, nearly inaudible, even to herself. She looked around the house once again, searching for her daughter, and then it came to her mind that she was probably with Aaron. It would be hard on the little girl, having to say goodbye to her best friend and to the place she had been born in, but Kate was convinced Ella would make many other friends in South Carolina, and be as happy as she was in Boston. It was the best thing to do after all, she told herself a thousand times. They had to leave. There was no other option.
Kate looked at the house again and felt her left pocket vibrate against her leg. Pulling out her cell phone, she saw Sawyer's number in the front screen. With a smile on her face, she opened the cap and placed it beside her ear, letting the other hand, which was still on her hip, fall down to the length of her body.
"Hey you." her voice was sweeter that she intended it to be, and she suddenly hated herself for being so girly. Since that afternoon at his house, two days before, they had been chatting over the phone almost uninterrupted, while she felt herself go deeper and deeper into him, his personality and his mind. Somehow, the conversations they had on the phone managed to go deeper than the ones they had personally; maybe because they weren't facing each other, because they didn't have each other's eyes trying to conceal any features or emotions. Kate was perfectly aware that they had a long road to travel in their relationship, especially in what came to honesty and to their secrets. They were both aware that their secrets were bigger than themselves, but for now, neither of them had any courage or will to share them. Their passion was big enough for them to hang onto each other without the need to know everything about their mate, and they shared an unspoken vow to keep it that way.
Still, the conversations they managed to have were real and somehow deep. They spoke about trivial aspects of their lives, about how things would happen in South Carolina, about Ella and they way he would fit into her and Kate's little world. Kate confessed she was scared he would leave her sooner or later, and he hadn't denied it. They were wild spirits, both of them; permanence wasn't the kind of promise they could make. Kate knew that because she felt it herself. She could feel him close to her, feel that he understood her like nobody ever had, feel like he was the only person in the world who wouldn't judge her, but she still couldn't promise him to stay by his side forever. Right now, it seemed perfect, but she knew herself better than that. Her need to flee, to move every once in a while would smother her eventually. And Kate knew Sawyer understood. His same instinct made him empathize with her feeling and embrace it, taking in the time they had together as if it was a gift.
"Hey Freckles." Kate could hear his smile as she spoke. His dimples should be showing off so badly at the moment. "You got everything ready?"
"Almost. I mean, yeah..." she kicked a tiny stone in the ground. "I don't know. I'm feeling weird."
"What, you feelin' sick or somethin'?" Sawyer's voice was worried, and Kate regretted saying those words out loud. She was feeling as stupid as she felt when she told Shannon and she laughed on her face.
"No, not at all." She made an effort to make her voice sound lighter as if the lack of worry in her voice would make him feel less concerned. "It's just... a weird feeling. I don't know, seriously. My stomach's all messed up, I might have eaten something..." that was it. That lie was intended to put an end to a conversation Kate knew was going nowhere. She had the feeling he'd mock her if she told him she had a feeling the sky was about to fall down, and she wouldn't be made fun of.
"Well, get better! Otherwise you'll miss out on the beauty of the road trip!" his voice sounded warmer now. It had worked and in a way, by turning his voice back to normality, Kate felt better. Why was she worrying so much? She had a road trip ahead of her, and there were very few things she loved more than a long and quiet drive. It was the perfect plan.
"I'll try to," Kate smiled "Sawyer?"
"What?"
"Are you scared?" the silence on the other end of the line made her feel like she was shrinking, her size decreasing to an inch, making her feel like she was the smallest person on the planet. "I mean... nervous or... "
He cut her off: "Yeah. I am." The smile that spread on Kate's face was almost childlike. He was scared too, he was having last minute cold feet too. "You?"
Still smiling and covering her eyes with her hand, Kate replyed, "Yeah. I am too."
The silence that followed this statement was long and charged with unspoken tension. It wasn't bad, though, it was the kind of tension they shared, the same fear of rejection, of doing things wrong in their lives once again. The only difference was that they knew that even if they did make it wrong, they would still be together. It would always be the two of them, and nobody else to blame, which brought them an odd sense of comfort.
"I better go get Ella. We're having lunch with Shannon, downtown." Kate said, as she heard him sigh. His sighs were such a great part of their conversations that she already knew how to read most of them.
"Okay. You'll come by at three?" she smiled.
"Yeah. I'll be there."
"Alrighty, Freckles. I'll be waiting." She nodded as she heard the click of the phone on the other side of the line, and dragged it to her chest, taking a deep breath and starting to look for her daughter.
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They were in front of Kate's house, standing, none of them sure of what to say. Claire was carrying Katie in her arms, and had tears streaming down her face. Kate knew she didn't want her top move away, but the decision was made and Claire knew she'd have to endure the physical distance from her friend.
In all that time, Kate never thought she'd come to miss Claire so much. That small and delicate woman had slowly walked all the way from the mother of one of Ella's friends to one of Kate's closest friends. Kate was only sorry that she didn't know the whole truth, that she couldn't be like Shannon. Because she knew that even though Claire was very close to her, she probably didn't love her enough to forgive the years of lies Shannon had forgiven. Claire was an honest, truthful woman, and she would not tolerate that kind of lie.
Kate was truly sorry for leaving that neighborhood, though. Some of her other neighbours had come to visit her earlier, Jane and Kelsi who lived a couple of houses above her; Sarah from the street below. She had accepted her hugs and kisses and said a definitive goodbye to Susan, to her housewife skin and to her lies. After this day, it would all be new, and it would all be old. Her Kate self, the wild and fierce personality she had been trying to conceal during those five years would finally come out, like it had whenever she was with Sawyer. She would finally be able to rest and breathe for herself, to be herself. But it still made her sad. Five years was a long while, and it had definitely had more influence on Kate than she had desired.
Claire cradled the baby against her chest, as she wailed lightly. Kate looked around, searching for Aaron and Ella, that seemed to have disappeared for the fourth time that day, while the pictures of the days she had spent with them came to her mind. Damn, she'd miss Aaron. That kid had been so close to Ella all this time that the idea of setting them apart was hurtful, like a sin. She had the feeling they were meant to be together, meant to grow together; somehow, she had endured the illusion of having Katie and Tom again, of having her childhood self and her best friend under her eyes again, in the skin of her daughter and Aaron. She knew setting them apart would be a mistake, but the solemnity of the moment gave her the certainty that if they were to be together, destiny would bring them to each other. If they were meant to be apart... well then, it was settled.
Kate's eyes found Ella and Aaron sitting on the porch, clinging fiercely to each other. Looking at Claire, she decided to give them a moment and turned to say goodbye to her friend, who had just put the baby on the troller next to her. Claire moved her hands awkwardly, smiling through the tears, and Kate's hands pulled her close, dragging her to a long embrace. As she fought tears herself, Kate felt her friend's sobs on her shoulder, and her tiny arms rest around her waist, making her feel suddenly protected.
Claire pulled away after a minute, getting on her toes to kiss Kate's forehead. Kate smiled at the graciousness of her movements, at the way Claire had to make everything look easy and delicate. She should have been a ballerina, like Shannon.
"Be safe, alright?" Claire's Australian accent seemed to get thicker whenever she was nervous or crying. "We'll all still be here, if you need us."
"I know." Kate shed the tears from her own face as she looked at the kids. "I'll miss you guys."
"We'll miss you too." Claire said, between sobs. Kate smiled lightly as she tucked a strand of Claire's hair behind her ear. "You'll let Ella come and stay in the summer, right?"
"Yes. And Aaron will come and stay over too, right?" Claire nodded and Kate turned herself to the two children who were approaching. "You ready, midget?" she asked Ella.
"I wanna stay, mommy." Ella's hand was grabbing Aaron's, and the boy was looking at Kate with a pleading look.
"We've talked about this, baby. We gotta go now." Kate lowered herself to her knees and tried to release Ella's hand from Aaron's, but they were clinging to each other like the world was about to end. And, as Kate realized slowly, it was, at least for them.
"Can Aaron go too?" Ella's plea was so heartbreaking that it forced Kate to look away in order to avoid her own tears. Claire turned around and sobbed into her hand, leaving Kate alone with the two kids, trying to find a way to make this less hurtful that it had to be.
"He has his mommy and daddy to stay with, sweetie. And Katie. Would you like him to leave Katie alone now?" their response came in unison.
"Yes!" Kate lowered her head, trying to conceal the exasperation. When she raised her eyes, they were dry and serious.
"Well, he won't. He has to stay and be with his family." She pulled the two of them together, running her hands through their heads and feeling both of them close to her one last time.
"Ella, say goodbye to Aaron, we have to go."
"I don't want to!" she pouted and Aaron hugged her tightly. "I'm gonna stay with Aaron!"
"Claire." Kate called her quietly and the woman turned around, lowering herself near her friend and pulling Aaron softly away from his little girlfriend. Kate did the same with Ella, and soon they were both holding their children while they cried. Kate got close to Aaron and Claire one more time and kissed Aaron's hair.
When she pulled away, Kate realized she was stuck. Somehow, in the middle of her kissing Aaron, Ella had managed to grab the kid's shirt and was clinging fiercely to it, not allowing Kate to move.
It was too much. Kate had been controlling her tears since she had turned to the kids, but now it was too much, even for herself. She allowed the tears to flow down on her face as she walked to the car, the force of her movemente forcing Ella to let go of Aaron and placing her hand softly on Kate's back while she sobbed.
She hated to see her baby cry, nothing hurt her more than that. As she placed Ella in the backseat, Kate looked at her and pulled her face to hers, kissing her cheeks softly. Ella kept crying, and Kate's heart kept beating like she was about to kill someone.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry, Ella, but we have to go." Fastening the girl's seatbelt and moving to the driver's seat, Kate started the car. "You'll see him again, I promise."
Looking through the mirror, Kate saw it as she started the car and moved through the street.
Aaron started to run after the car, with Claire after him, until she caught him and held him. As the car turned the corner, Kate thought it should be quite an endearing picture: mother and daughter, both crying inside of a car where you could see toys and boxes. Wasn't it the picture of a new life?
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Shannon was already waiting for them at the restaurant when they arrived. The same old Italian where Kate had seen Sawyer for the second time, where they had met in the bathroom. Throwing a look in that direction, Kate smiled lightly as she guided Ella through the tables until Shannon. As soon as she saw her mother's friend, Ella ran to her and climbed into her lap, hiding her face in Shann's neck.
"What's wrong, bug?" Kate sat in front of Shannon with an exhausted look. "What's wrong with both of you?"
"Ella just said goodbye to Aaron. That's why she's sad." Kate explained, taking a look at the menu. Shannon pulled the girl away from her neck and looked at her eyes, smiling.
"Is that right, bug?" With Ella's sad nod as a response, Shannon looked up, as if she was trying to make a story up for the girl. When she looked down, she had a creative glow in her eyes, as of she was about to tell Ella the biggest secret of her life. "You wanna know something?"
"What?" Ella's natural curiosity made her raise her head quickly and pay attention to Shannon.
"That's how it works!" She said, as if it was the most obvious thing on the face of the earth. And now Shannon had both Ella and her mother looking at her suspiciously. "That's how it's got to be, Ella!"
"That's how what's s'posed to be?" the girl asked, seemingly disappointed at the explanation.
"You, having to say goodbye to Aaron." Now both Kate and Ella looked confused. Shannon sighed dramatically. "Okay, let me explain, silly. Have you ever seen a movie where a princess marries a prince and they live happily ever after?"
Ella nodded and Kate did too, unconsciously. Shannon looked at her friend and tried hard not to laugh.
"And in those movies, do they stay together all the time, like you and Aaron did?" Shannon said those words with a snark tone, as if it was bad. Ella immediately reacted and shook her head negatively. "See? You get my point! Your mom was only trying to help. For a love story to work, the boy and the girl have to be away for a while. But when you're a grown up, he'll show up again and you kids will be together."
"It's too long before I'm a grown up." Ella's voice was childish, but more joyful.
"Well, nobody said it would be easy now, did they?" Shannon asked in a knowing voice.
Ella turned to Kate with a questioning look in her eyes. "Is this true, mommy?" Kate nodded, and the girl turned back to Shannon. "So, when I grow up I'll see Aaron?"
"Yes you will, my sweet." Ella hopped joyfully from Shannon's lap and ran to Kate's side, sitting on the chair next to her mother and picking the fork up from the table.
"When are we gonna eat?" she asked. Kate rolled her eyes and smiled at the little girl, while Shannon tried hard not to laugh.
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Now accompanied by a joyful Ella, Kate and Shannon talked a lot during that lunch hour. Sometimes they found themselves shedding tears, trying hard not to think they were going to break apart in a matter of hours. Shannon had been her best friend for years, and even more than she'd miss Claire or Christian, she'd miss Shann.
Christian was supposed to meet them there to give Kate the keys to her new house and say goodbye, and they were both waiting for him. Ella was playing with her drawing kit, while her mother and Shannon had their coffees and conversations.
"Hey there, ladies." Kate and Shannon were so immersed in their own conversations that when Christian arrived, it was a surprise. He sat it front of Ella, who raised her eyes from her drawing and smiled at him "Hey princess."
"Hey grandpa!" she blew him a kiss and went back to het drawing, while Kate looked at him, expectantly.
Christian looked at her a smiled. Drawing a manila envelope from his coat, he gave it to Kate,
who stared at it intently. "It's all there, kid." He said smiling.
Kate put her hand inside of the envelope and took out a key, smiling. "There's another treat in there, Kate." Christian's voice seemed to make Kate wake up from a trance. She regarded him with a strange look, and tucked her hand inside of the envelope one second time, pulling out two identifications. They had hers and Ella's pictures. And they said, respectively, Katherine Anne Smith and Eleanor Shepard.
"Wait... what?" both Kate and Shannon were stunned.
"You said you wanted a fresh start, there's your fresh start." He answered. Kate looked at the ID's again.
"Ella's is the same." She stated, her voice still harsh from the shock.
"No it's not. Her mother's name now is Katherine Smith, and not Susan Shepard." He explained.
Kate still had no words. It was too much, it was all too much. She had new identifications, with her old name. She would be able to be Kate again, not Susan. It was too much information, way too much for her to assimilate. Kate placed the ID's and the keys inside of the envelope again and hid it in her purse with a smile, running her hand through Ella's hair, absentmindedly.
A beep made them all turn to Christian, who checked his belt for his beeper. "Damn." He looked up at Kate. "I have an emergency." He got up from his chair and Kate did too.
Christian pulled Kate to him in a fatherly manner, and she started to cry as soon as he put his arms around her. She hid her face in his chest, letting the tears run down her face and into his shirt, while he soothed her hair, like a father comforting his little girl.
And basically, that was exactly what she was to him. Kate was not his daughter-in-law, was not his little sick puppy that he had to bring back to its feet. She had become so much more than that. Kate had become the supportive child Christian had never found in Jack, the person he could call whenever he messed up and that would hear him and look out for him. The person he looked out for, every day.
It broke his heart to let her go, but just like her, he knew it had to be done. Pulling her slightly away, he tried to conceal the tears he had in his eyes. He was a man, for Christ's sake, not a crying baby. In his masculine manner, Christian kissed Kate's hair and then the spot between her eyes.
"Thank you. So much, Chris." She whispered between sobs. He tucked her hair behind her ears lovingly.
"Thank you, Kate." Christian pulled away from Kate roughly and lowered himself to kiss Ella's cheek. He whispered something in her ear that made her laugh and he got up quickly, taking his coat. "I have to go." Kissing Kate's forehead one more time, he looked down at her eyes and smiled. "Love you, kid."
"I love you, too." She responded, falling onto the chair and smiling, trying to clean her face from the tears with the back of her hands. Shannon gave her a pinch in the cheek while she shed her own tears, and got up from the chair.
"Let's go." She said, pulling Kate along with her to the outside. "It's almost 3 pm, you gotta meet your southern god." Shannon winked at Kate, while she got Ella's stuff together and put the backpack in the girl's back. Holding Ella's and Shannon's hands, Kate walked out of the restaurant, glancing one more time at the bathroom and smiling at the owner, a soon-to-be-old friend.
Shannon walked Ella and Kate to their car, and put the girl in the backseat herself. She wanted to do this one last time, have one last chance to be the girl's auntie. When she was done with the seat, Shannon kissed the girl's forehead and pulled her into a hug.
"I love you, bug. You're my ballet princess, okay?" her eyes were filled with tears, and Ella shed one of them from her eyes.
"I love you too, aunt Shann." Ella blew her a kiss that made her laugh, and Shannon got up from the car seat.
Turning to Kate, Shannon leaned against the car and held her friend's hand. She tried to look normal, but as soon as her eyes met Kate's her face crumpled, turning her usual ethereal look into a shade of loneliness and fear.
"How the hell am I going to live here without you, Kate?" she whispered, and Kate couldn't stop her arms when they pulled Shannon into a tight hug. Shannon's sobs accompanied Kate's, and soon they were both pulling away, both embarrassed of their own reactions.
"I wish I could take you with me, Shann. I really do." Kate said, opening the door to the car.
"You're already taking me with you, Kate. A part of me, at least." Shannon kissed Kate's face as she took her place in the driver's seat. "I love you to death, girl."
"I love you too, Shann." Kate closed the door on her side and Shannon took a step back, hugging her coat tightly and trying not to cry anymore.
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Kate wasn't far away from Sawyer's house, so she took the cut to his street in a couple of minutes. After all the farewells were made, she felt lighter, she knew she'd take these people in her heart, and that they would always be there for her when she needed them. And they would come visit, they would still be a part of her life, they would just be several hours away, but time and distance didn't matter.
What mattered to Kate was the certainty that she had Christian, Shannon, Claire, Aaron and the little Katie in her heart, and that they would be in there for as long as she lived.
Turning the car to Sawyer's street, Kate saw a commotion in front of his building. There was an ambulance there, a morgue car. Three police cars. Feeling the immediate pull in her stomach, Kate drove the car closer to the scene, until she saw a familiar car. Black, sober. Christian's car.
Kate looked back at the seat and Ella was drifting off. She should be exhausted after the emotions of the day. Kate looked at her for a moment and for some reason she was aware that from the moment she looked back, her life would not be the same.
But she did look forward, and stare at the scene, hoping to understand what was going on.
Two gurneys were out of the building, one of them covered in the black plastic that indicated death. The second gurney was being taken to the hospital by the ambulance. Kate watched the scene as if it was a movie she already knew the ending to, trying hard not to cry. She knew how it was going to end, she knew why Chris was there.
The third gurney came out, and Christian came with it. He was listening to the person's heart with a stethoscope, and at one point, he dropped his hands to his side, shaking his head negatively. Kate looked at the body: it was Sawyer.
