Blood

Blood. Oh god, so much blood. But…but I though the medi-gel stopped the bleeding. Maybe I reopened the wound when I was carrying her.

I scramble over to where she's laying on her back on the floor, ripping my own armored gloves off.

The blood isn't coming from her leg. There's a hole in her chest plate.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no.

"No," I breathe. I look up to see if anyone else has noticed, but they're all finding pleasure in the fact that we made it off Virmire. Not knowing what else to do, I start disengaging the seals of her chest plate. My shaking hands fumble with the various clamps and locks, but I manage to get it off.

Blood. Too much blood. I look away, almost throwing up at the sight of it. As it is, I can't help but dry heave a few times. The sound of my retching seems to break everyone else out of their false sense of success. The footsteps seem far away. As do the words.

I somehow manage to look back at the wound, and I realize something: the blood has stopped flowing. But it doesn't look like there's any medi-gel on the wound.

Realization dawns, and I place a trembling hand under her chin, searching for a pulse. The skin under my fingers seems…cold. I don't feel the reassuring thump of a working vein under my fingers.

Oh god, please no. Please, Ash, don't leave me. No. Not now. Not after everything I went through to save you. Not after everything we went through together. Not after we finally found each other.

You can't leave like this, Ash. When you left with the salarians, you wanted to tell me something. You told me to stay alive. Well here I am. Now it's time for you to wake up, Ash. Time for you to tell me what you were gonna say. Time for you to get up and say you'll be ok.

Time for you to not leave me!

Maybe I can save her! I…I learned CPR in school. Maybe…maybe I can get her heart started again. Seal the wound and restart her heart. Yeah, that's what I need to do.

I administer a dose of medi-gel to her wound, sealing it off so it won't start bleeding once her heart starts beating again. Then I place my interlocked hands over her chest and start compressions. Shit, what is it again? Fifteen then two breaths? I think so.

I'm only vaguely aware of the yelling that has continued all around me. Right now, my focus is solely on bringing Ash back. I get to the twelfth compression when I feel hands on my shoulders trying to pull me back. Why are they trying to take me away? Don't they know they're ruining my compressions?

I resist, doing my damndest to keep the compressions at a steady rate. That's when I feel more hands grab at me. Still I resist, but it's getting harder. My left arm is killing me, and my vision is starting to blur.

All at once, my strength leaves me, and I'm pulled away from Ash's body. I don't know who's pulling me, and I can't understand the words he or she is speaking. Everything still seems so distant. I go limp in my carrier's arms, letting him or her lead me away. Finally, I'm set down against a wall.

I sit there, unmoving, staring at my hands in my lap.

Blood. Her blood. On my hands. It finally hits me.

She's gone.

That knowledge washes over me like a flood, and I can't stop the tears from flowing. I bring my knees to my chest and let the anguish take over. My mind shuts down, unable to come to terms with what just happened.

A noise begins to intrude on my mourning, and I try to ignore it. However, it grows more persistent. Finally, it coalesces into a voice speaking a single word.

"Dylan?"

Slowly, I look up to see Jenny squatting in front of me. Taking my movement as a sign of acknowledgement, she slowly extends her hands towards my face. She removes the mask that I had forgotten was still on and places it on the ground. Our eyes meet for a moment before I look away.

I feel her shift, and I suddenly find myself in a gentle hug. Too tired to resist, I simply melt into the surprisingly tender embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Dylan," she whispers. "I really don't know what else to say." There's a pause, and I continue to cry into her shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Am I alright?

"No," I breathe, barely audible.

"Shh. It's ok. Just let it all out, Dylan. Just let it out."

The last thing I remember is her voice, sounding like a haven to rest my battered soul.


I wake up sometime later in the med bay. I'm lying propped up on the bed, and my shoulder is killing me. What the hell happened? Maybe Ash can—

Ash…

I quickly look around, hoping against hope that this was all just a horrible injury-dream and that Ash is fine. She's not sitting next to me like she usually did when I got injured. She's not in the next bed. Before I can look around more, Dr. Chakwas walks in. Maybe she knows where Ash is.

"Dr. Chakwas."

"Ah, Dylan, you're finally awake," she says with a motherly smile. "You're probably wondering why you're in here."

"Where's Ash," I ask, desperation clearly evident in my voice. I know she was injured. I need to know that she's ok.

That isn't a good look.

"Doc…where's Ash?"

"Dylan…darling…I'm not sure how to tell you this…" She walks over to the bedside and gives me a gentle hug. "There was nothing I could do for her, dear. She…she didn't make it."

Reality crashes down around me. Everything from the cargo bay comes flooding back.

Ash on the ground, hole in her chest plate, blood slowly expanding outward. Futilely trying to bring her back. Jenny pulling me off her body. Seeing the blood on my hands. Her blood.

Again, the tears flow freely, and I cry into Chakwas' shoulder.

Eventually, the tears slow down, and I let go of the good doctor.

"I know there aren't any words to make the pain go away, but I'm here for you," she says softly. "We're all here for you. Is there anyone you want to talk to?"

"Is…is Jenny around?" I ask with a sniffle.

"I'll go find her." And she walks out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I can't believe it. Ash is…is…

I can't even bring myself to think those thoughts.

The door to the med bay whooshes open, pulling me back from the edge of the abyss. I look up to see Jenny walk in with a soft, caring expression on her face.

"What happened, Jenny?" I ask as she comes to sit next to me.

"What?"

"I need to know what happened." She looks hesitant. "Jenny, please. I…I need to know."

"If this is really what you want…" I just nod. Maybe knowing will help the pain. She sighs before starting. "As best we can tell, she took the hit while you were carrying her back. We're pretty sure it was the same shot that lodged itself in your shoulder." So it was my fault…if I had just run faster, she would be alive.

"There was…there was nothing the doc could do?" Jenny looks down and gives an almost imperceptible shake of her head. "So it really was my fault."

"No! Don't you dare think that!" she yells, suddenly looking up with a fire in her eyes. "Dylan, you did everything you possibly could have. The only reason Ash even had a chance was because of you. I don't care what anyone says. This was not your fault, and I will beat the crap out of anyone who says it was—you included. Do you understand me?" All I can do is nod dumbly. "Good. Now remember, everyone on this ship is here for you. Do you want to talk some more?"

"No. I think I need to be alone with my thoughts for a while."

"Ok. If you need anything, tell Dr. Chakwas, and we'll make it happen." She pauses, and a brief flash of sadness crosses her face. "I'm so sorry. We all loved her, and she'll be sorely missed." Jenny stands up and gives me a brief hug before walking out.

Despite Jenny's words, I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do enough. That if I had just done…something, Ash would still be here.

I barely hear Chakwas when she announces that she's going to sleep. I guess it's later than I thought. She tells me to call if I need anything, but I doubt I will. I just need to be alone for a while.

That wish is shattered when Garrus comes into the med bay shortly after the doc leaves. He completely ignores me and goes to the next bed over, which I've just now realized is occupied by a sleeping Ian. That's right…he got injured too.

Garrus sits next to Ian's bed and takes Ian's hand in his. I look away. Seeing those two together only makes my pain feel greater. Thankfully, Garrus is quiet, not wanting to wake Ian, so I can still have the pretense of being alone.

Again, that façade is broken when Ian wakes up. They start talking, and I can hear snippets of their whispered conversation. Garrus is all protective about Ian getting injured, and he can't get it through his thick skull that Ian's fine.

Ian, on the other hand, keeps brushing off Garrus' concern like it's an annoyance.

"Garrus, seriously, I'm fine," he says after the tenth time Garrus asks if he's alright. "You don't need to worry about me." God, does he not realize what he has? Fucking hell!

"At least you have someone who can worry about you," I mutter, unable to contain myself. Ian just looks over, surprised that I spoke up.

"Look, Dylan...sorry. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Yeah, well, I'm just saying. Be fucking grateful for what you have."

"I am," he says, hesitantly, taking both of Garrus' hands in his.

"Dylan, I know you're still upset over Ash's death—" Garrus starts, but I interrupt him.

"You think I'm 'upset'?" I ask, suddenly angry. How dare he! "You think that's all it is? I might have loved her! She might have loved me! Now I'll never know! How would you feel if one of you lost the other?"

"I don't think about it," Ian answers, sounding completely honest. Well good for you. "I don't want to. Look, mate, I can't even begin to understand how hard this is, but we're your friends. We want to help." Oh, so now they want to help.

"You want to help?" I ask, hearing a slight hint of…something in my voice. I ignore it. "How fucking cute. Fine. You want to try to know what I'm feeling? Imagine the worst pain you've ever felt. Now imagine that there's nothing that can make it feel better. No pain meds, no medi-gel. Nothing."

"You don't think we've experienced loss?" Garrus asks suddenly, sounding angry.

"We don't know what you're going through," Ian says, trying to calm him down. "But we can talk about this."

"What is there to talk about?" I nearly scream. "I lost the woman I loved. You two still have each other. How the hell can you two help me?"

"By listening to you," the Brit answers, calmly. God, how the hell is he so calm? "Having someone to talk to will help."

"And what do you want me to say? What can I say?"

"Whatever you need to. There's no right or wrong thing to say, you don't have to say anything at all. You just have people with you."

"So I'm supposed to spill my troubles to a gay, British midget?" I ask, letting all my accumulated feelings escape in that one sarcastic question. "Hi-fucking-larious. Can you tell another one?"

Suddenly Garrus is on his feet, growling. "What the fuck did you call him?" Oh, did I make him angry? Boo-hoo.

Ian grabs Garrus' arm before he can do anything. "You should wait outside," Ian tells him. "Now." Garrus makes eye contact, staying silent for a while.

"Fine," he says after a while. He stops in front of my bed before exiting. "If anything happens to him..."

"Bite me," I say, looking him in the eyes. His mandibles flare, and he growls louder, but he doesn't say anything. He just walks out.

"I can see why he's mad, you know," Ian says once Garrus is out of the room. God, he still sounds so fucking calm! "I mean, first off, I'm bisexual, not gay; then I'm Scottish instead of British. And I'm 5'8". Your definition of midget is a bit loose."

I look back at Ian and take a breath to speak before I stop myself. What the hell am I doing? I've been insulting Ian for no reason other than the fact that he still has Garrus. I'm deflecting my anger to him, and that's not right. What is wrong with me? I sigh, realizing how much of an ass I've been.

"Fuck. Damn it, I'm sorry, Ian. That was...uncalled for."

"Relax. You've got a right to be pissed off," he says, leaning back in his bed. "Garrus'll simmer down; I'll go talk to him once Chakwas lets me out."

"Yeah...I was being serious earlier. You two have a great thing going," I tell him. I stop and look down at my lap. "It took losing mine to realize that."

"Hey, chin up, alright? You couldn't have known what was gonna happen, mate. And you ran all the way through a wall of geth fire for her. You couldn't have done any more than you did."

His words seem to stab me like a knife. I couldn't have known…I couldn't have done more.

Something snaps.

"I couldn't have known? Fuck that, I couldn't have known! I fucking knew it all, and it still wasn't enough! I did everything I could, and it still wasn't enough! I gave everything short of my life, and it still wasn't enough! There's always more I could have done. I fucked up, Ian, and I can't change that."

A silence descends over the med bay after my tirade.

"What do you mean, 'knew it all?'" he asks, quietly.

"Fuck."

Did I really just spill my secret? Just like that?

But is that such a bad thing? Hell, Sovereign even told me that keeping my secret was only hurting me. Maybe…maybe it's time someone knows.

"You won't believe me, but here it goes," I say looking up into Ian's eyes. "I'm not from this universe. Where I come from, everything that's happened is detailed in a video game. A game which I played. It was called Mass Effect. I've know about everything that's happened so far. So I knew about having to make a choice on Virmire, and I tried to stop it." I pause and look down again. "I guess some things can't change."

Silence falls once again over the med bay.

"Well I'll be damned," he says, quietly. "Guess I'm not the only one."

A/N: And BOOM!

So obviously, I need to thank iNf3ctioNZ for the end of this chapter. I should also thank Kassandra Black for some general help with the beginning. Seriously, you two are awesome.

So I know this is a really short chapter. Blame the upcoming Mass Effect 3 demo. I think all of you can appreciate that. Also, I couldn't help ending it like that *trollface* You know you love it :)

Anywho, until next time, ta ta!