Well, this is it. This is the ending for part 1. There's the epilogue, but their Europe romp is officially over.
I'll ramble more at the end. For the moment, just remember that Manhattan Skyline is a song by the Kings of Convenience. It's melanchonically sad, and it's perfect for this chapter, so please, please listen to it while you read. I can provide you a like if you need to.
Enjoy!
Chapter 29 – Manhattan Skyline
I hear myself say: "My boat's leaving now"
So we shake hands and cry
Now I must wave goodbye
Wave goodbye
Wave goodbye
Wave goodbye
Wave goodbye
You know
I don't want to cry again
I'll never see your face again
I don't want to cry again
Derek slid the plane and train tickets he had purchased the night before into the pocket of his carry-on bag, feeling like he was packing his life away.
They had spent the rest of the night making love, holding onto every last memory, knowing that it was going to be over before they were ready to put an end to it. He had no idea how they would be able to go back to their normal lives –apart– after spending so much time together, and yet, circumstances forced them apart.
He looked up when he heard Meredith buckle her backpack. The sound gave a sort of finality to it all, to them. He swallowed the lump in his throat.
Meredith gave a last look around for any lost items, picking up one of his socks from the back of the armchair they made love in the very first night, when they were too excited to bother with picking up clothes afterward.
When he closed his eyes all the times they had been intimate flashed before him, almost as if he was trying to commit them to memory indefinitely.
He knew he'd never forget her, but he was afraid he'd lose some details along the way, and the mere idea almost sent him into a panic.
"Are you ready?" she asked, in a voice that hardly sounded like her own, her eyes red-rimmed.
Derek had heard her cry the night before after round three. Her tears had glistened in the moonlight as he had held her. He had almost fallen asleep, and she had started crying, clutching onto him tightly. It had broken his heart. He had cried with her. They hadn't slept a wink after that.
"Good to go," he hummed, even though he wanted to abandon everything and put roots here. He wouldn't mind living in Florence for the rest of his life, with Meredith.
The idea of going back to New York haunted him, as much as he knew that this feeling wouldn't last. Of course he imagined their love could grow in the States, but this feeling was a chimera in the long run. Married people didn't love each other like this, as much as he wanted to think so. He just knew he wanted to love Meredith for the rest of his life.
"The landlords told me it takes fifteen minutes to get to the train station by taxi," Meredith said, interrupting his thoughts.
They decided to go back to the basics for their very last part of their trip, taking a train for the ride from Florence to Malpensa, the Milan airport. They had wanted to see Milan too, after Naples and maybe Sicily or other smaller islands, but they had to leave it unfinished.
Everything felt unfinished at this point.
There was a lot of silence between them as they joined their hands and shut the door of their room. Meredith wiped away a stray tear before grabbing her backpack.
Quiet was the taxi ride as well. The busy city bustled around them, the historical palaces came and went outside the windows of the car, but their hands stayed tightly clasped as they looked in two different directions.
They arrived at the station way too soon for his liking, though it was barely fifteen minutes before the departure of their train. They stood together near a cement column, the warm wind tousling their hair as life kept going around them.
The eight a.m. sunshine blazed through the openings between platforms, the heat enveloping them in a sharp contrast to the cold they felt inside. Their hands were slightly sweaty by the time the train stopped in front of them, but they couldn't let go of one another.
They settled on their Intercity seats, having opted for the longest of train rides instead of picking one of the high-speed trains, so that they could prolong a little their time together. Four hours of bliss before their plane brought them back to New York that same afternoon.
The next day they would be back home, and Derek dreaded it like he had never dreaded anything before.
He wanted to keep Meredith around forever, but she didn't want him to. He didn't know if he'd ever make peace with it, but he was going to try.
Meredith found their seats first, and they were lucky to have gotten into a compartment where only two of the six seats were occupied.
Derek picked up his suitcase and lifted it in over their heads to the designed spot. Meredith passed him her backpack next. It was the only moment that their hands had separated. The train still wasn't moving as soon as Derek was done with their luggage, so he seized the moment and gathered Meredith in his arms. He buried his nose in her neck, breathing her in. He closed his eyes, the people walking on the platform outside disappearing from his view.
The train jerked into movement, forcing them to sit down. They had the seats closest to the window, and Derek decided to sit opposite to the direction the train was moving. It wasn't like he wanted to watch the scenery; he knew his eyes would be transfixed on Meredith.
Derek leaned a little forward so that he could take her hand in his. Meredith did the same, and their foreheads were almost touching, thanks to the limited space.
"Volete sedervi accanto?" The plump woman sitting next to Meredith smiled brightly, gesturing with her hands, though Derek was still confused when she addressed him.
"Sorry, no italiano," he blurted out. "Americans."
The other guy in the compartment smirked, placing a finger between the pages of his textbook, fixing his short hair before he explained: "She's asking you if you want to sit next to each other."
Derek sighed. She probably had noticed that they still hadn't let go of each other's hands despite being on the opposite ends of the compartment. He looked at Meredith noticing her glistening eyes for what felt like the first time that day.
"Yes. Yes, please," he nodded eagerly, and the woman gave them an equally bright smile, her brown eyes glimmering.
"Ah, che bello essere giovani e innamorati," she muttered as Derek traded places with her. Their impromptu translator didn't pitch in, but from the dreamy look on her face, Derek guessed it had to be a good thing.
He swallowed thickly as he sank in the seat. Before he had even sat down, Meredith had already curled up against him, holding onto him tightly. The hand that wasn't clasping his clutched his t-shirt, her nose buried in his neck.
Derek kissed the top of her head, closing his eyes to savor the moment, to remember her smell forever. Lavender would always be Meredith to him.
The train left the station quietly, leaving Florence and their dreams of unfulfilled love behind.
"Derek," she whispered at some point as they rode between yellowing hills and houses in the middle of nowhere, right before the first stop of the few ahead of them to reach Milan.
"Meredith," he echoed. Just saying her name was bliss and torture.
"I love you, Derek."
A tear slipped down his cheek as he held her even tighter, melting her against him, unable to let her go now. His heart was breaking and yet it felt so full of love for the tiny woman in his arms, who was now practically curled up in his lap.
"I don't want you to leave me," he chocked out, and she sniffled into his chest.
"I have to. It's better this way," she replied, shaking her head.
Derek would never agree with her, but he had no more arguments with which to fight her. He just kissed her forehead instead.
"I love you, too," he murmured, feeling her warm tear on his neck. "We'll find each other again, if it is meant to be."
"You know I don't believe in that stuff." Meredith sighed, though it felt more like a habit for her to say that.
"I do. I do believe in that, Meredith. We'll find a way back to each other if it is meant to be."
"So if I'll never see you again it was meant to be as well?"
Derek nodded. No matter how much he wished they'd find a way to see each other again, he knew that life often threw mean curveballs.
"Don't...Don't wait for me, Derek."
"What?" he whispered, lifting her chin up a little to look deeply into her eyes.
"I know this feels...right and magical and perfect, but if you find something equally perfect, dive into it. You have to live, even if I know you want to wait for me."
Derek sighed. "I'm not sure I'll ever feel something that will come close to what I feel for you for anyone."
"Please, don't shut down the possibility. You're a good man. Every woman deserves a guy like you. I'm glad you were the one that showed me what love is all about."
Derek couldn't help but kiss her softly then, mindful of the reading guy and the woman now in awe. Their bodies swayed slightly as they reached the Bologna station. They were wrapped up again into a warm embrace before the train departed again.
In fact, they spent the whole ride soaking up the other's presence, committing every last curve and every single freckle and imperfection on their bodies to memory in a haze of silent love and loss.
They reached Milan too soon.
They reached the airport too soon.
Security checks were over and done with way too soon.
They were wrapped back in each other's embrace in the plane seats way too soon, the rumble of its engines roaring loudly. Meredith cried quietly in Derek's arms and he did the same into her hair as the plane took off.
Darkness soon fell upon them and Meredith fell asleep from exhaustion some time while they were flying over the Atlantic. Derek could only stare at her, unable to blink in case she disappeared from his arms, wanting to savor every last second with her, every last breath of her sweet lavender scent, or every last note of her quiet snoring.
"Want a blanket for your girlfriend?" the flight attendant asked him, making a face, then correcting herself. "Your wife?"
Derek's heart hammered erratically in his chest at the mere idea, and he could only shake his head as the woman's smile moved onto the next row.
Of course it was a common mistake, since he had booked the tickets for the both of them, to assume they were somewhat related, and not as siblings. He had never expected his heart to be able to shatter more, but the mere idea of Meredith never being his wife crushed him.
Derek closed his eyes too and reluctantly drifted off, imagining Meredith dressed in white as he waited for her at the end of an aisle.
When she woke him up, the plane was ready to land, even though he wasn't. He wasn't ready to let go of Meredith.
Everything from that moment on felt like a haze, a haze he woke up from only when Meredith grabbed his hand all over again in the middle of JFK's busy terminal, holding onto him for dear life.
They stopped right before the subway station as Derek took both of her hands in his, wanting to memorize the texture of her fingers, the weight of her hands, the warmth of her palm against his one last time.
She stared into his eyes and his soul, her gray eyes almost overflowing with tears.
"I love you," he said simply.
"I love you, too," she echoed, before he cupped her cheek and kissed her. Her free hand wrung into his hair, keeping him close, their bodies mashing together as much as they could, mindful of the busy airport.
When they parted, Derek wished this wouldn't be their last kiss.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you to see your mother?" he asked one last time, stalling, trying to prolong the inevitable.
"No." Meredith shook her head sadly. "Plus, she'll eat you alive, Derek. You're a resident. I never brought boys to see her. Honestly, she probably thinks I'm still a virgin."
"Oh God," he groaned, but he managed a smile, holding onto her shoulders tightly. Their eyes locked and he sighed, the grin disappearing slowly from his lips. "I'm gonna miss having you around," he said, giving her one last chance to change her mind.
"I know. I'll miss you too," she admitted, leaning in to hold him in her arms for one last time. Their lips joined in another sad kiss, full of love and regret, hope and secret wishes.
They stood in front of one another, their eyes never breaking contact as they completely forgot about the hustle and bustle of the airport around them, their gazes speaking all the words they weren't able to say out loud.
Meredith never wanted this moment to end.
She kept staring and staring at him, summing up all the scrutiny she had done of him in the past weeks, embedding every single feature of Derek Shepherd in her brain for safekeeping.
The man standing in front of her was her very first love. She would remember him forever.
She was grateful, she wanted to tell him how grateful she was for showing her the ropes, for giving her confidence, for loving her like she had never been loved before, not even by her own parents.
She couldn't let go of his love, as much as it scared her.
A woman pushed Derek lightly and made him stumble forward a little, breaking the eye contact. Just as it began, the magic was over and they were back to being two people saying goodbye in the airport.
Their bubble burst, dissolving into million dazzling sparks in the morning sun.
"Goodbye, Meredith," Derek said, and she knew nobody would ever say her name in the perfect way like he said it. He seemed born to say her name and that was what scared her the most.
"Bye, Derek," she echoed, trying to smile, but failing miserably.
He grabbed his luggage and looked at her one last time –one last, intense look– before rolling it behind him as he walked toward the exit.
Meredith stood still in the middle of the airport, the magnitude of the occasion she had just botched finally dawning on her. She was overwhelmed, regretting her fear of commitment as soon as Derek disappeared from her line of sight, a hazy mass of dark curls that blurred into the crowd.
More tears formed in her eyes but she refused to cry. She had put herself into this crappy situation and she'd need to move on by herself.
She was sure part of her would miss Derek Shepherd for the rest of her life, though.
Derek walked outside in a daze, never turning back because he knew he'd just sweep Meredith off her feet and drag her to his apartment if he looked at her only a second more.
He still had the hope she'd find him someday and that was enough for him to stop a cab and get in, going back to his old, monotonous life, despite the ache in his chest that wouldn't stop hurting.
THE END. FINE. FIN.
At least that's it before the epilogue :P
The trip is over, and as sad it is to see them part, I thought it was the perfect place to split the stories. The epilogue will be set again in the US, coming full circle with the beginning, but their trip in Europe is over, and since it's a new chapter of their lives, it wil also be in a different story.
Now, I'll try to post the epilogue soon, hopefully before the new year, so that I can publish Part 2 in January.
Thank you for reading and loving this story so much, it was an epic journey of discovery for me, and hopefully for you too.
Stay tuned for the epilogue!
