Title: An Unkind Fate
Rating: PG (T)
Pairings: Ultimately Bella & Edward
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the Twilight series. They are the property of Stephenie Meyer and are not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Set: Alternative universe to New Moon. Edward doesn't think Bella died. Edward doesn't go to the Volturi nor does he come back to Bella. They meet again when Bella goes off to college.
A/N: I know this is trite because I see them in the author notes of the stories I read on fanfiction - but I am really sorry for the delay. I have had a lot of work constraints which prevented me from updating more timely. I thank everyone that left such kind reviews on the last chapter and then sent me "friendly" requests to please update. Those really are motivating. Again, I reiterate my commitment to finishing this story. I hate when other authors abandon stories so I won't do that I promise.
Chapter 29 – Guilt
"It isn't that I don't want you. It's that I want you too much. I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself. Don't you realize that I have never been nor could I ever be with anyone but you like that?"
Oh. Oh, no. Tears began running down my face.
"Bella, what's wrong?"
His gentle tone only made me cry harder. "But …. I have."
BPOV
The silence was unbearable.
"Edward, please say something."
He was as still as a statue again.
"Edward, I'm sorry. Please, don't hate me." I reached out to touch his arm and he flinched away.
"Don't!" He rasped out.
My stomach clenched in misery. He found my touch repulsive. I sobbed in agony. The sound seemed to break his stillness.
"Jake?"
I nodded. He closed his eyes and I flinched at the raw rage in his eyes when he opened them again.
There was a blur of movement and then a loud sound and he was gone. I called out his name but it was too late. I crumbled to the floor as I cried in misery. I replayed the look on his face when I had admitted I had slept with someone. He hated me. He would never forgive me. I felt that hole in my chest opening again.
The sound of the telephone interrupted my rocking back and forth.
I picked up the phone and could hear the hoarseness in my voice. "Hello?"
"Bella, it's Alice."
The sound of her voice set off a new round of wracking sobs.
"Bella, stop it. Stay where you are. Rosalie and I are on our way to come get you."
Thirty minutes later, Alice dealt with the front desk and directed me to Rosalie's car.
"I'm going to drive Edward's car. Rosalie will drop you off at your place. I'll meet you there later."
I was surprised that Alice wanted me to ride with Rosalie when Rosalie had barely seemed to tolerate my presence in the past. This was going to be a silent and uncomfortable ride home. I thought of protesting but Rosalie gave me a surprisingly compassionate look and opened the passenger door. "Come on. Let's get you home."
I stared at the open door for a moment and then finally nodded.
The car was silent for the first ten minutes of the drive. I had stopped sobbing but my eyes were red and occasionally I couldn't help a hiccup from escaping. I rubbed at my eyes as another stray tear fell at the memory of Edward's last expression.
I couldn't bear the silence a minute longer. "Did Alice tell you what happened?"
Rosalie shook her head but didn't take her eyes off the road. "She said that we needed to come get you because my brother acted like an ass and left you stranded after finding out one of the consequence of his stupidity."
"She didn't tell you what that was?"
"No, but I can guess."
I looked out the car window. "He hates me now."
Rosalie finally looked at me. "He doesn't hate you. He hates himself."
"You didn't see how he looked at me."
"Edward is an idiot. In some ways, he is stuck frozen in the customs and mores of the time he was changed in. That is his problem, not yours."
I didn't know what to say to that.
"Can I ask you a question?"
I nodded.
She looked at me again. "Did you do anything to be ashamed of?"
The question surprised me. I had never asked myself that question. Did I do anything to be ashamed of? The answer was no. My only crime was that I placed my trust in a man that promised love and a future and then left me. The more I thought of it, the more I realized that I wasn't hurt anymore. In fact, I actually felt tired and angry. Tired of feeling not good enough. Angry that Edward had made me feel guilty.
I turned to Rosalie and I knew she could see the epiphany her question had triggered. "Thank you."
She nodded and looked back at the road.
Xxxx
EPOV
"Edward, please say something." Bella pleaded with me.
I stood there stunned. I couldn't move. My vampire brain with all of its powers couldn't process what she had just said.
I just stared. Finally, I said, "Jake?"
She nodded. "Edward, I'm sorry." Her hand reached out and I flinched away.
I could hold back the "Don't!"
She looked crushed. "Please don't hate me."
I was in agony. I had to get away. She had been intimate with someone else. She had let that mutt touch her. Have her.
I punched a hole into the wall of the room. Bella flinched at the sound of the destruction. Then she looked frightened.
"Edward!"
I had to think before I did or say something I would regret. I turned and in an instant, I was gone. I ran into the bordering forest.
An hour later Emmett's voice rang out.
"I see you left your mark on this area."
I looked around at the destruction I had wrought on what was once a dense forest near a lake. It was now a clearing scattered with over turned trees and crumbled rocks. I shrugged.
"How did you find me?"
"Everyone in the family knows this is your brooding rock. Although with the mess you have made of this place you may need to find a new spot."
"Why are you out here?"
"Alice. She said you screwed something up very badly and you might need someone."
"Alice, hmmm. And she thought you were the right one to send?"
"Well, no one has screwed up more than me with my mate so she thought I was the right choice to help you dig yourself out of the hole."
"Did she tell you what I screwed up?"
"No. I assume it is about Bella."
I nodded.
Minutes of silence passed. "Edward, unfortunately you are the only one with the mind reading talent in this family. Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I gritted out, "She and that boy from the reservation slept together."
He was silent for a moment. Even his thoughts were silent.
"So what is bothering you the most? That you won't be her first or that she didn't put herself in a glass box and wait for you to come back to her?"
I wanted to punch him. He made it seem so inconsequential. "How could she have slept with him if she really loved me? I couldn't do that."
"What about what Tanya said the other night?"
"Once. Once, I gave in to the loneliness. I let her kiss me and I didn't immediately spurn her advances. I guess it was curiosity. I hoped that I would feel something. It didn't take long for me to realize that it was a mistake."
"And you expected the same thing from Bella?"
"Yes!"
"Edward, don't be a dick. The difference is that you knew you were still in love with Bella when you let Tanya touch you. Bella thought you were out of her life forever. Did you expect her to be alone for the rest of her life and pine for you? Die a virgin? She had no expectation that you were ever coming back to her. You did everything in your power to convince her that your feelings for her had changed. We all know that she has experienced a history of people leaving her. Are you really surprised that when you didn't immediately come back she believed you? Do you really begrudge her trying to find some solace or happiness with someone else?"
"No. But I can't stop feeling hurt and angry." I couldn't get the mental image of them together like that out of my mind. I could feel the monster inside wanting to be let out and tear apart that mongrel.
"Are you angry at her or yourself for causing this shit show?"
That stopped me. I sighed knowing he was right. "I know I have no one to blame but myself. But, I can't let go of how I thought this would go." I looked back out at the lake not wanting to make eye contact with Emmett. I shrugged. "I just had this picture of how our future would be together."
I didn't want to tell Emmett the full fantasy but I thought that I would propose to her and we would be married in our meadow surrounded by family. I would take her to the island that Carlisle had bought Esme and we would finally explore the physical side of our relationship. It would be the first time for both of us so we would learn together how to touch each other and bring each other pleasure. Then we would go off to college together. I would experience going to college again through her eyes which would make it feel like it was the first time for both of us.
"Vampire/Human, everyone has a picture of their future," Emmett said kindly. "You know what they say, 'Man plans and God smiles'. If you hadn't left, things would have been different." Emmett put his hand on my shoulder and I turned back to look at him. He looked so sad. "But you did leaver her and you did your best to convince her that you weren't coming back. Now you can't punish her for believing all the lies you told her. You can't punish her for doing what you told her to do – to move on with her life."
"I know."
"She's a human, Edward. Human's look at time differently than we do. What is a blink to you was almost three years for her. Three years at a critical time in her life and development as a human. She transitioned from childhood to adulthood. How long was she supposed to wait to see if you would change your mind when you assured her that you wouldn't?"
"You're right. I know you are right but I can't help how I feel."
"Well you better get that under control before you approach Bella again. You better be able to direct your anger at who really deserves it and that is not her."
The monster didn't want to be reasoned with it. It wanted to be let loose to get revenge and then it wanted to stake its claim over Bella. The logical part of myself, the part that tried to keep the monster under control, knew that Emmett was right.
"I keep seeing her with that boy in my head and I want to tear things apart."
Emmett looked at the destruction around him, "Yeah, I can see that."
He sat down beside me and stared out at the lake. Then he said, "If you focus on something that you can't change you will only damage your feelings for her and her feelings for you. I understand probably more than most that a woman's virtue isn't based on the presence of her hymen."
He was thinking of Rosalie. I knew from reading her thoughts that after she woke up she felt sullied. Emmett's love had made her feel clean again after the horrible abuse she suffered. His love and acceptance of her fixed something in her that Carlisle and I could never help her with after the attack.
"So, Bella had a life after you were gone. You have to accept it and not punish her for it. It isn't important who was her first. What should be important to you is that she'll want you to be her last."
Emmett sat there quietly, letting his words sink in. Then he got up and held out his hand to me. "Are you ready to go home?"
I shot up suddenly when I remembered what I had done to Bella. "I have to go back to the inn. I just left Bella without a way to get home."
"Alice and Rosalie took care of everything. Alice made sure that Bella got home safely."
"Then I need to go to her apartment. I need to see Bella. I need to apologize. She's never going to forgive me."
Emmet gave me a sad look. "I'm not going to lie to you, Edward. You've dug yourself into a very deep hole. Why don't you come back to the house first and talk to the girls before you go tearing off to Bella's."
"I can't. I need to see Bella now!"
Emmett called after me but I was too intent on getting to Bella to listen.
XXXX
Leah was outside of the apartment when I arrived and if looks could have killed, I would have been dead. Again.
She charged up to me and shoved me in the chest. "I can't believe you left her like that!"
She was strong, but her hit wasn't enough to even push me off balance.
I tried to get around her but she wouldn't let me. "Leah, I don't have time to talk to you. I have to go see Bella."
"Don't even think about going near that door! What right did you have to be angry with her?
I looked down in shame. "No right. I know that."
She didn't look satisfied. I knew I handled this wrong but I wanted her to understand so she would let me see Bella. "It was hard enough to know that she dated someone else for over a year but I wasn't expecting to hear that it was so serious."
"You left her!" Again, she pushed against my chest but this time it rocked me back on my heels. I could see Bella's tear soaked eyes in Leah's mind.
"Please, Leah. I need to apologize to her before it's too late."
"It's already too late."
If I had a working heart, it would have stopped beating. I couldn't let myself believe that.
"Neither of you deserved Bella. Do you know the damage that both of you did to that girl? She had enough issues from her parents. But both of you did so much worse. You both professed to love her and then you both left her. How she was even willing to give you a second chance is beyond me."
I knew she was right.
"When Bella loves – she loves deeply. She didn't just one day decide to sleep with some guy. You don't know what it was like for her after you left!"
Leah suddenly opened her mind to me. I immediately received a montage of images of a hollowed-eye Bella. She was at least twenty pounds under weight and had dark circles under expressionless eyes. I saw her as she walked listlessly into the front door of one of the reservation houses. She followed Charlie almost robotically. They must have been images of Bella at the reservation when she and Charlie visited the Blacks.
"Do you see how hard she took your departure? Charlie told Billy and Jake that she wouldn't eat. She didn't sleep through the night for over a year. She would wake up screaming from nightmares."
The pictures of Bella so clearly in pain brought me to my knees. It was my fault. All my fault.
"At one point Charlie considered hospitalizing her. He confronted her and threatened to send her to Florida to live with her Mother. That threat snapped her out of the fog she had been living in." Leah's voice got quieter. "One day she showed up at the reservation with a couple of beat up bikes. She offered Jake one of the bikes in exchange for helping her to restore the broken down pieces of junk. Jake saw the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Bella and jumped at the offer. Hate him all you want but Jake really helped her come back to life."
This time I saw a montage of images of Bella as she looked a little more animated while she helped a native boy take apart a bike. As the images flashed through Leah's mind I saw the change in Bella. She put on some of the lost weight and even smiled again.
"She didn't date him right away. She didn't give up on you. She had faith that you would come back. But Jake had a crush on her since they were small children playing together. Jake wasn't a fool. He bided his time. He was whatever she needed him to be. A friend to study with, a buddy to goof off with and a buffer against the Forks high school crowd who couldn't understand why she couldn't snap out of her funk and move on to the next guy. He helped her rebuild the bikes and helped her find some joy in living again."
This time he saw a series of memories of all the little things Jake had done to try to bring her back to life.
"But then Jake went through the change. He had a hard time. He was sworn to secrecy and he thought Bella would think he was a monster. He cut her out of his life. Just as she connected the legends with what you are, she connected the stories to what Jake was. She didn't accept his silence. She confronted him and she made him feel normal which only made him want her more. She had run into Laurent and found out that Victoria wanted to kill her. Jake swore that he and the pack would keep her safe. I think that is when she gave up on you and your family. You didn't come back after Laurent's attack. She thought Alice would have seen the danger. She was convinced that you would come back to protect her. But you didn't. Do you know she used to drive out to your old house in the hope that she would find you there or find a piece of mail that would indicate where you had gone?"
I hated what I had done to her. Each word was like a lash to my heart.
"More time passed with no word of you. She was in constant danger from Victoria. And there was Jake telling her he loved her, that he would never hurt her and that he would protect her. Can you really hate her for finding some comfort with him?"
I could feel my fists clench but knew the anger was directed at myself.
"Even after they started dating, she kept it PG-13 for the longest time. You had been gone for over two years. She hadn't heard a word from you or your family."
Hearing it from her perspective, I could understand that at that point she must have believed she was never going to hear from me again. My own words came back to haunt me, It will be as if I never existed.
Leah continued. "She told me that Charlie once told her that sometimes you have to let yourself love the one that is good for you. To be fair to Jake, he was good to her and good for her at that time."
I saw another montage of Bella playing tag on the beach laughing as Jake scooped her up and ran with her over his shoulder into the surf. He saw as she leaned against Jake in front of a fire surrounded by other couples listening intently to an older man. Then she was in a beautiful dress slow dancing with her head resting on Jakes chest while other couples danced around them.
"Jake got more intense after one of the patrols found the scent of a vampire around Bella's house. Jake was convinced that it was you or one of your family. He was worried that he was going to lose her so he tried to tie her to him both emotionally and physically. She finally gave in the night of Emily and Sam's wedding." Leah looked past me. "I think she was caught up with the idea of love and the dream of a future that Jake promised. So… she let herself love the one that was supposed to be good for her. And then Jake broke her heart in a way that was probably worse than what you did."
Again, my inner monster raised its head. "What do you mean?"
"The day after they had finally slept together, he met someone else."
I remembered Lauren's digs at Bella, "Vanessa?"
"That's right. He met Vanessa the next day and that was it for him."
"How? How could he do that to her?"
"It's complicated." I tried to read her thoughts but her mind was closed to me again. She had a low key monologue going on this back of her mind that blocked me from reading anything further. "Jake didn't handle it well." She continued. "He knew he screwed up. Instead of telling Bella what had happened, he avoided her."
My monster wanted to track the dog down for hurting Bella like that.
"What happened then?"
"Obviously, Bella found out the truth and they broke up. It was an uncomfortable situation for many reasons. Victoria was still a threat so she still had to see Jake and the rest of the pack. It was a really horrible time for Bella." She looked me in the eye and said, "She's paid enough for trying to find a small piece of happiness. Don't make her pay anymore."
I closed my eyes in shame. I wasn't worthy of Bella. I was the catalyst for so many bad things that happened to her. How could she forgive me.
"Give her a day before you try to talk to her. Take the time to figure out what you want and if you can treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Figure out if your actions can match your words. At the first test, you already failed her. I don't think she can take much more before you kill all the love she has for you."
I nodded to Leah and slowly turned around.
XXXX
BPOV
"Is he gone?" I asked when Leah came back into the apartment. I had to fight the part of me that wanted to run to him and beg his forgiveness. But that was wrong. I hadn't done anything that required his forgiveness. I had to stand up for myself now or there was no way we could have a future together.
"Yes. But I have to tell you that he looked torn up that you wouldn't speak to him."
"I don't care." I did, but I needed to toughen up. In a moment of weakness I turned to Leah. "Do you think I did something wrong?"
"God no, Bella!"
Again, doubts crept into my mind. "Was my love shallow for Edward because I turned to Jake?"
"Bella, stop second guessing the choices you made. You did nothing wrong. I was there. More importantly, I know Jakes thoughts and emotions. I know exactly what happened and you have nothing be ashamed of."
I wanted to believe her. I wanted to hold on to that moment with Rosalie and know for certain that I wasn't a bad person because I opened my heart and my body to Jake. It was hard to not let the doubts win.
"Bella, you did nothing wrong." Leah repeated quietly.
I nodded and let it drop.
Seconds later there was a knock at the door.
"Edward?"
Leah shook her head. "Not a chance. I had to force him to agree to give you a day before he approached you. That way neither of you will say something that you can't come back from."
I nodded knowing that I was too emotional to have any serious discussions with Edward.
Alice's voice came through the door. "Hurry up and let me in before this ice cream melts!"
Leah opened the door and Rosalie and Alice walked in with shopping bags and a couple of DVDs. Alice held up the bags and trilled, "We're having a slumber party, ladies. Get into you most comfortable jammies. We are going to watch these chick-flicks, eat ice cream and talk bad about men!"
"You're going to eat ice cream?" Leah asked Alice and Rosalie dubiously.
"Well, we'll leave the ice cream to you two but we'll let Rosalie dig into her stockpile of Emmett stories to support why men our idiots."
"Deal!"
XXXXXXX
He was in view of the building when he stopped abruptly. He could smell the Cullen women. He quickly put some distance between himself and the building. He didn't want them to smell him. He felt rage that he couldn't get closer to the apartment. Closer to her. He hadn't been able to get into the apartment since the Cullen's had installed the security system. It was too risky and he wanted to lull them in to a false sense of security before he took his revenge. His fists clenched in frustration. He would have to get satisfaction elsewhere.
