Chapter 29
Duo walked into the conference room, where Lista and the other Gundam pilots, sans Heero, were sitting silently, relaxing, reveling in the calm and silence for as short a moment as they assumed it would be.
Duo plopped down loudly in the empty chair next to Lista with a heavy sigh. "Hilde's doing okay. She woke up, and I ripped her a new one. Damn woman only smiled at me." He shook his head. "But she probably saved all of us a lot of grief." He looked around the room, brow curled in interest. "Speaking of all of us, where in the world has Heero gone?"
"Out on the Virgo carrier we recovered," Trowa replied in monotone. "You know where he's headed."
Duo waved his hand. "Yeah, yeah. But how come he left Wing Zero behind? I mean, is he gonna have a fist fight with Zechs?"
Quatre smiled and leaned over the table to look past Lista at him. "Knowing him, he'll fight any way he can. But I'm pretty sure that's not the only reason he went."
Duo slapped his hands on the table, cocking an eyebrow. "Wait a minute. You mean he went there to save that girl?"
"Of course he did," Lista answered, giving him a shove. "Heero doesn't like Relena being on Libra. No one else does, either. It's too dangerous there, whether her brother is the one in charge or not. He wants to get her out of there."
"In that case, I was giving him too much credit," Wufei spoke up. "I had him figured as the sanest one among us."
Trowa shrugged. "It just goes to show how powerful that girl is to be able to influence a guy like Heero." He paused and turned to Wufei. "Wufei, if Heero does bring Relena back, at least welcome her here."
Wufei scoffed, arms folded over his chest, as he leaned against his chair.
Duo shook his hand dismissively and turned back to Quatre and Lista. "Well, in any case, shouldn't we go after him? I know Heero, but that place is crawling with White Fang cronies. There's no telling what Zechs would do with him if he found out Heero managed to sneak on Libra."
Quatre shook his head. "This isn't the time to decrease Peacemillion's defenses, especially now that Heero is gone." A knowing smile curled onto his face. "Besides, let's leave the two of them alone for now."
Duo's face grew grim, and he exchanged hard, serious looks with each of them. "You guys really trust Heero? He makes mistakes just like the rest of us."
Silence befell the room as they all pondered Duo's words. No one wanted to believe Heero, the Perfect Soldier, was capable of that.
Lista groaned and shook her head. "Okay, thanks for bringing down the room, Duo." Duo shrugged in defense before taking a large swig of his bottled water. "At any rate, I think it's sweet that Heero wants to keep her safe. There's nothing wrong with that. It's better than him being a robot."
Wufei scoffed. "You feel that way because you're a weak woman."
Duo and Quatre turned to look at Lista to gauge her reaction; she was scowling. "Being a woman has nothing to do with it. And I'm not at all weak. I'm a soldier just like the rest of you," she bit out.
Wufei shook his head. "No, you're a traitor who betrayed her comrades."
"Because it was the right thing to do," Lista spat. Quatre's face softened. He saw her clenched fists balled up in her lap, the muscles in her jaw locking up. He wanted to intervene, but suspected it may only make matters worse. "I'd do it again. I did it for all of you."
"We didn't ask for any help," Wufei replied simply. "Military training or not, you're still a typical woman, letting emotions dictate everything you do. If you didn't believe in what the Alliance stood for, then why join them at all?"
Lista fought her boiling anger and hurt at his cavalier words, and the last thing she wanted to do was get into the difficulty of her military upbringing and the issues with her father. She didn't think Wufei would care much; she knew he'd deem them emotional excuses.
There was a loud beep in the room, and Howard's face popped up on the overhead screen. "Hey, guys. We have a couple units of mobile dolls headed this way. It's a much smaller number than what we're used to, and there's no sign of Epyon. Either way, you better get moving."
As Howard's face disappeared, Lista was already on her feet before the Gundam pilots could move. She held out her hand, halting them. "You all can sit this one out. I'll handle them myself."
Duo scoffed and pushed himself to his feet with an incredulous chuckle. "Lissy, you're out of your frickin' mind. There's no way in hell you can handle all those Virgos in a damn Taurus by yourself. Don't talk crazy."
She moved away from him, stopped at the door, and ignored the look of concern painting Quatre's face. "I won't be using my Taurus. I have this under control." And, with that, she moved from the doorway.
Duo stared at the now empty doorway in confusion before turning to Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. "What? What the hell is she talking about?"
Trowa locked eyes with Quatre, whose face had drained of its color, before turning to Duo. "She's going to take Wing Zero."
Duo was shaking his head wildly and moving towards the door while Quatre pushed himself to his feet in alarm. "What?! I don't think so! There's no way she can handle that demon of a system! It'll wreck her! We have to do something! Come on, Quatre!"
Wufei shook his head and scoffed, halting both Duo and Quatre in their tracks. "Let her go. She obviously wants to prove that she's strong." He couldn't stifle a small chuckle. "Although all she's going to prove is she's emotional and foolish. We've all had our bitter taste of Wing Zero. I think it's time she does the same."
Quatre shook his head, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "Wufei, she's not trained as a Gundam pilot! This is too dangerous for her! We can't just let her go out there by herself!" Although he'd managed to master the system's effects, the first time he'd used it flashed in his mind, taking him back towards the swirling dark hole his soul had become. "The Zero system played with my mind. It did it to all of us! I hurt a lot of people under its mind-warping effects. There's no telling what affect it'll have for her!" His brows furrowed into his eyes. "And I'm not going to wait to find out!"
As Quatre turned on his heel to rush out of the room, he felt a hand clap firmly on his shoulder. He spun around, finding Trowa standing before him, his face blank. "Quatre, I think it would be a good idea to wait. I know you want to keep her safe, but if any of us were to go out after her, I imagine that would damage her more than the Zero system ever could. Call it a rite of passage if you wish, but I think it will be good for her to experience it. The Zero system can also clear your mind. Perhaps it will do the same for her."
"Let the woman be," Wufei added. "We'll keep a close eye on things to make sure the mobile dolls don't get too close to Peacemillion. If we have to go out and save her, then so be it. Otherwise, let her have her chance with the Zero system. If she's truly strong, she'll be able to overcome it."
Quatre turned to Duo, who was now facing the overhead screen with a scowl. Quatre moved his attention there, as well, and found that Peacemillion was feeding the footage of the battle to the room. Wing Zero had moved into the sea of troops, and all Quatre could do was hold his breath and pray that Lista would remain safe.
The adrenaline peaked in the cockpit of Wing Zero as Lista sliced down yet another Virgo with no effort. She barely noticed the ache in her knuckles as she clutched the controls, the tremble in her hands and her knees from anxiety, and the rush of power she felt under her fingertips.
Her movements were sharp and precise, her accuracy increased tenfold and her agility even more so. Her stomach roiled with butterflies, but she kept her eyes cemented on the surrounding Virgos, unblinking, concentrative.
"Lista!"
She blinked hard at the sound of Quatre's worried, pleading voice filling the cockpit. "Quatre?" She looked at her radar, but there was no indication that any of the other Gundams had entered the battlefield.
A bead of sweat trickled down the side of her face. Was she hearing things?
Then she heard her name again, this time from Duo, then again – Noin, Sally, her mother, her sisters…her father. The familiar gold of the Zero system filled the cockpit, and Lista felt her heart pick up against her chest.
"No," she murmured, shaking her head and clearing her throat of the dryness. "Get a grip, Lista. Don't let it control you. Stay focused."
She returned her attention to the battle, but the line of Virgos were no longer Virgos – they were Tauruses, all identical to the one her father piloted when they faced one another.
Her heart sank like a rock, and her breathing grew heavy, shaky. She sank back in her seat, slowly shaking her head. "No. No, not again." She slammed her eyes shut and opened them again.
Everything had taken on a gold hue, and now there was only one Taurus, crackling with energy and incapacitated.
"You're a foolish, little, naïve girl who has no business being a part of this war any longer. You're a failure to my family," Lorenzo's deep voice echoed in her cockpit. "You can't do anything right. You don't even have the trust of the Gundam pilots, who you betrayed the Alliance to help. You're worthless! You're nothing!"
"It's not real," Lista whispered to herself. "It's not Dad. He wouldn't say that. It's not real."
"I wish you never found me again, Lissy," Duo's voice chimed in. "I don't have time to worry about you doing something stupid and emotional like a typical girl. You need to just go home. Play with dolls or something. You're too weak to be in this war. You don't belong here. You're gonna get killed, and I'm not gonna care. You're a liability."
Tears beaded in the corners of her eyes, biting back her rising sobs, and she sliced the beam saber through another round of Virgos that had closed in on her from behind. She cried out in frustration. "No! Stop it! You're not real! It's not true!"
As she spun around, she gasped, eyes wide. Sandrock floated before her, its shotels unsheathed. "Q-Quatre?"
"I entertain your recklessness because I'm too kind for my own good," Quatre said, his voice hard and short. "I've had to babysit you for months. If this war ends with White Fang victorious, it will be your fault for being in our way. You never should have shown yourself at New Edwards. I regret the day I met you."
Lista was hyperventilating now, sunk hard back into her seat as if trying to escape, and her cockpit filled with the overlapping voices of her father, Duo, Quatre, all continuing to berate her. She grasped her head; it felt like it was being crushed within a vise. Everything swirled around her in a haze.
And then she heard them laughing at her tauntingly. She could see visions of them floating before her, shaking their heads, making jokes, berating her some more.
"No! Stop it! Shut up! Shut up!"
Her hands were on the controls, and she pulled out Wing Zero's buster cannon. And in less time it took for her to breathe, she fired, and the visions of her father, Duo, and Quatre dissipated, along with the three Virgos that were mere feet from bearing down on her.
She spun around and fired again, and again, and again, taking down each Virgo with dangerous, deadly precision, with a blank, tearful stare in her eyes and her choked, erratic cries filling the cockpit.
Quatre watched Wing Zero tear down each Virgo with its buster rifle one after another. He released an exhale through his nose and shook his head. He could watch no more.
He moved to the door in a rush, barely hearing Duo call out from behind him to ask what he was doing. Quatre spun around, his eyes flared. "I don't care about her pride or what lesson she has to learn. I won't watch her make the same mistakes I made while under the Zero system's influence. I care about her too much. She has to prove nothing to me. I already know how strong she is. And I'm not going to lose her."
Trowa and Wufei said nothing as Quatre spun on his heel and rushed off. Duo watched him go and turned back to the footage of Lista's battle. And, despite the situation, a knowing, satisfied smirk curled onto his face.
Lista couldn't catch her breath. Her lungs burned and ached. Her face was hot and wet from her tears. Her eyes hurt from the constant glow of gold. And she couldn't shake the voices from inside her head that continued to tear her down.
Her radar beeped. More Virgos were closing in on her. She barely registered the warning. Her hands flexed over the controls. "Go away! No more! Leave me alone!" The beam saber cut through the coming Virgos like a hot knife through butter. They rang out in explosions around her.
She blinked more tears out of her eyes, and her father now stood floating before her. The voices in her head quieted down. Fury ripped through her like a storm as he merely stared at her silently.
"This is all because of you!" she sobbed. "You made me this way! You were my hero, and you betrayed me! And if I can't trust you, my own father, who can I trust?! I can only rely on myself to survive!" She wheezed painfully. Panic began to swim over her as she fought to gather enough oxygen into her lungs. She shouted in another agonizing cry. "Look at what you've done to me!"
She shook almost violently. She could barely keep her grip on the controls. The visage of her father remained looming over her in the darkness of space, taunting her silently. She activated the beam cannon, fighting to steady her trembling hand to fire an accurate shot straight into the heart of her father's ghostly figure.
"Lista! Please stop!"
Lista blinked at the sound of Quatre's hurried voice filling her cockpit. She bit back a curse and shook her head. The Zero system was playing with her head again. What other hurtful words would she hear this time?
Her cockpit beeped in alarm, and she swung around, aiming the buster cannon towards the incoming mobile suit.
It was Sandrock. But was it really?
Lista slapped her hands against her face, crying and screaming into her palms. She couldn't tell reality from fantasy. Her head throbbed. Her mind raced. Her heart thrummed against her chest. She was afraid to pull her hands away, to see what was really in front of her. Was it really Quatre? Was it her father coming to taunt her more? Was it an enemy?
Her voice came in a muffle against her hands. "Make it stop. Please stop."
Quatre heard the soft, weak, pitiful plea in his cockpit. His heart wrenched. The final two Virgo dolls were closing in on Wing Zero, now floating defenseless. Quatre clenched his hands over his controls, summoned Sandrock's shotels, and cleaved through them quickly.
The blades of his weapons were barely through the metal of the dolls before he was grabbing his suit helmet. He pressed a button, and video of inside Wing Zero's cockpit flashed to life. His shoulders slumped at the sight of her. She wasn't moving. He could barely tell if she was even breathing. Her hands had fallen from the controls, and she simply looked ahead, unblinking, the gold of the Zero system swallowing her.
"Lista, can you hear me?"
He watched her carefully, relieved to find her head tick just slightly. She gave a single, soft nod. "Yes."
Quatre began fitting his helmet over his head. "Good. Put on your helmet and open your shield doors. I'm coming." He locked his helmet into place and watched her slowly, numbly reach for the helmet to her side. He saw her shaking as she lifted it above her head and put it into place. He slammed his hand against the button to open his own cockpit, and he floated down to Wing Zero just as the shield doors slid open.
He pulled himself inside and hurriedly shut the doors, locking in the oxygen. He ripped the helmet from his head and stared at her, his heart reaching for her. She was practically catatonic, her face stained with tears, her eyes blank and reflecting the gold of the Zero system.
Fighting against the low gravity, he pulled himself to her, allowing himself to float freely above the control panels. He reached forward, carefully unlocking and pulling her helmet from her head. He could hear her erratic, shallow breathing. She didn't blink. She didn't acknowledge him.
He reached forward, a palm sliding over her cheek while the other fell on her shoulder. "Lista, look at me," he said softly. "You're going to be okay now. It's over."
But she said nothing, didn't blink, didn't move. It was as if she stared right through him to someone he couldn't see. He pulled himself closer until the tip of his nose just barely grazed hers. "Lista, come back to me," he whispered. "You're safe now."
The gold light of the Zero system began to flicker, and Quatre sighed in relief as Lista finally blinked slowly, her shoulders loosening with a slow exhale. And her eyes, green with life once more, locked with his. He watched her bottom lip quiver, her nose crinkle, her eyes fill with a new set of tears.
"How could he do this to me, Quatre?" she asked croakily through her coming sobs. Her voice was like sandpaper. "How can I trust my father not to hurt me again? How can I trust anyone? I'll just get hurt again."
The hand on her shoulder moved up to cup her other cheek, keeping her gaze focused on him. He could tell her psyche was shaken, cracked. "I wish I could tell you with certainty that no one would ever hurt you." He rubbed his thumbs against her face, hoping to comfort her, to help ground her back to reality by his touch. "But what I can tell you is that I will never, ever hurt you. You can always trust me, Lista."
She drew in a shaky, sob-laden breath. "Promise me," she said, her voice breaking.
He offered her a small, reassuring smile. "I promise you, Lista, on my life. You have my word. I will do everything in my power to protect you. And if someone ever does hurt you, I will always be here to help pick up the pieces. You will never have to face anything alone again."
There was a break in her expression, and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her cries. His arms were immediately around her, drawing her tight into his chest, cradling her head against his shoulder. "You're going to be okay now. Everyone needs someone sometimes. You need me. And I need you. There is nothing wrong with that."
He closed his eyes, his heart in pain, as she sobbed into the crook of his neck, her fingers curling into the front of his flight jacket. And all he could do was hold her for as long as it took for her to cry her hurt and sorrow away.
Duo, Wufei, Trowa, Sally, and Noin stood in the mobile suit bay as Wing Zero and Sandrock docked back into place. Duo had his arms folded tight over his chest to hide his anxiety. "I hope Quatre was able to get Lissy to come to her senses. It looks like she did a lot of damage out there."
"She shouldn't have been out there in Wing Zero at all," Noin said with a frown. "That suit is too dangerous."
"I'm sure she realizes that now, given that Winner had to go out and save her from it," Wufei replied matter-of-factly.
Duo scowled as Sandrock's cockpit shield doors slid open and Quatre emerged, quickly floating over to Wing Zero. "Hey, buddy, none of us handled it very well. It screwed with all of us, including you. How about letting up a bit, huh? In hindsight, Lissy did what she said she was going to do. She was able to destroy the dolls."
Wufei scoffed. "At what cost to her mentality?"
Duo didn't answer him. He watched as Wing Zero's shield doors opened and Quatre moved inside. It was a few minutes before Quatre moved out with Lista in tow, who remained in a daze. He said something to her, took her hand, and led her down to the platform where their comrades awaited them.
Once Lista's feet touched the ground, Duo was in front of her, frowning, and he tossed his arms around her shoulders. "You're a stupid fool for going out there by yourself. And you're gonna hear an earful about it." He pulled away from her, staring at her tired eyes. "But right now, I'm just glad you're okay, damn it."
Lista only lowered her head, saying nothing. Duo pulled away from her and turned to Quatre, who stood dangerously close to her. "Thanks for going out there after her, Quatre. It's a good thing you did. There's no telling what might have happened."
Quatre nodded and placed a hand on Lista's shoulder. She didn't respond. "I think we should be in the clear for a little while before we have to field any other attacks. In the meantime, I'm going to take Lista back to her room so she can get some rest. I'll meet with you all later so we can discuss our next plan of action."
He grabbed her hand and gently pulled her past them. Duo watched them go, his smirk wide. "If there wasn't enough proof before, there sure is now."
Sally turned to him, curious. "Proof about what?"
Duo simply turned over his shoulder and winked before moving off himself, leaving Sally and Noin exchanging confused glances with one another.
Quatre ushered Lista into her private quarters, shutting the door behind them. He pressed his hand on her lower back, urging her forward. He helped her sit down at the edge of her bed, and he carefully unzipped her flight jacket. He kneeled in front of her, his eyes meeting hers. He could see the energy, the life, drained from her.
"I want you to rest now, okay? You need to replenish your strength after that," Quatre suggested softly. She blinked slowly at him, nodding once in understanding. "I'll come back soon to check on you. Sleep is the best thing for you now."
He pushed himself to his feet, but before he could move away, her hands snapped over one of his, keeping him close. She was looking up at him, appearing more alert. "Wait. I…I want to thank you, Quatre, for snapping me back to reality. You seem to have a gift of doing that."
He smiled at her and molded his free hand over hers. "You never have to thank me for doing the right thing where you're concerned. I'll never let something happen to you."
She released him, her hands falling into her lap. She shook her head and pushed her hair behind her ear. "I don't know why, but for a moment, I thought I could handle it. I thought I could show all of you that I'm not a liability. I can protect myself." Her face contorted, and she broke their eye contact. "But I accomplished the opposite, didn't I?"
Quatre sat down at her side with a soft exhale. "We're not robots. We're all human. We all have flaws. And none of us are immune to the Zero system. It tries to make up for human error by turning us into fighting machines, but it has a different effect on everyone. It warped the minds of each and every one of us, so you have nothing to be ashamed of."
Lista turned to look at him, her eyes drooping in exhaustion. "You, Duo, and my father kept telling me that I was weak and worthless. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't real, but it filled my head so easily. But my father, I could actually see him." She shook her head, pressing two fingers against her temple in an attempt to relieve the pressure in her head. "Does that mean he's my enemy? Is that what Zero was trying to show me?"
"I kept seeing the colonies as my enemy," Quatre replied. He shook his head. "But they never were. The Zero system took advantage of my sorrow for the deaths of my father and sister and warped it into hate and blame against the colonies. And it did the same to you." He reached for her hand, squeezing it tight. "You have a lot of unresolved emotions stemming from your father's defection to OZ. The Zero system exacerbates those emotions. The only way you would let the Zero system win is if you wouldn't forgive your father for what he's done."
Lista sniffled, shaking her head. "I don't know if I can do that, Quatre. Those wounds, they're open again. I just feel…raw."
"Your father loves you, and I'm sure the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt you," Quatre said. "Wars do crazy things to people. It doesn't always change us for the better. That's why this needs to come to an end. And once it does, you should confront your father with how you feel. Only after you two discuss things can you hope to recover from this hurt and move on."
Lista mulled over his words for a moment. Her head thumped with the aftereffects of her Zero-induced headache. Her limbs felt weighed down. She leaned over, draping her arms across her knees, dropping her head. "I don't know what to expect. I'm afraid of what his excuse is going to be. I don't know if I can hear it."
Quatre stared at the black curtain of hair masking her face. He rested a placating hand on the back of her shoulder. "I know it's a lot for you to handle. And, in a way, this war has been a diversion for you. But you won't be able to avoid him forever. Just the same, he knows he owes you an explanation for his actions. It'll no doubt be an emotional confrontation, but the fruits reaped of it will be greater than you think."
Lista snapped her head to the side, whipping her hair out of her face, so she could look at him. He was relieved to find a small smile creeping to her face. "I don't know what I would do without you, Quatre. I'm grateful to have you. You spend more time worrying for me than you should." She straightened herself with a sigh. "I'm not used to that."
"You deserve every moment I spend worrying about you," Quatre pointed out firmly. "And don't ever feel as though you need to prove yourself. I already know how courageous and strong you are. And if others don't know it yet, they will once this war ends and you help make it happen. You will have a hand in paving the way for a bright, peaceful future for Earth and the Colonies."
Lista's smile widened, appreciating him, grateful to him. "Whatever I can do to help." She pushed herself to her feet and shrugged her jacket from her shoulders, hanging it up on the hook next to the door. When she turned around to face him, he had moved from her bed and approached her, staring so deep into her eyes that she thought he might be trying to peer into her soul.
She reached for him, locking her arms around his shoulders. "Thank you for saving me," she murmured in his ear. She felt his arms come around her back, tugging her close. "I owe you."
Quatre shook his head against her. "You owe me nothing." He pulled away from her, fighting the urge to run his fingers through her hair, to graze his thumb against her lips, to continue holding her as tomorrow was not meant to be. "But if you feel that you owe me, all I want from you is to live. Survive. I would love nothing more than to watch the first sunset in a world of peace with you next to me."
Lista curled her fingers into his shoulders, the warmth of him lulling her into a calm haze. She nodded, and her eyes fell ever so shortly on his mouth. She wanted to kiss him, wanted to tell him she loved him, but fear grappled her and she forced on a smile. She begrudgingly slipped away from him. "You should go to the bridge. I'm sure the others are waiting for you."
Quatre hesitated, peering at the door over her shoulder. "Are you sure you'll be all right? I don't want to leave you alone if –"
"I promise I'll be okay," she interrupted. "There are more people than just me who need you, after all."
Smiling, he nodded and moved towards her door. He pressed the button, and it slid open. He turned back towards her once more. "I'll come back soon and check up on you. But if you need me…"
Lista folded her hands in front of her abdomen to keep from reaching for him. "I know where to find you. Thank you, Quatre. For everything."
He leaned towards her, placing his hand for but a moment on her shoulder before sliding it away. "Get some rest, Lista. Things will seem clearer after some sleep."
With that, he turned from her room and moved down the hall. Lista watched him go around the corner, and she shut her door, pressing her hand against it longingly. She closed her eyes and released a heavy exhale before moving to her bed in the hopes of sleeping off the aftereffects of the Zero system.
As sleep quickly rained down to claim her, she already felt at ease with the tingle of Quatre's comforting touch lingering and the passion and promise in his voice echoing in her ears.
