Chapter Twenty-Nine:
Five days and counting.
"Hi." Wade said. "It's Wade."
"Yes, I know. I have Caller ID." It wasn't a gracious reply but I wasn't feeling very gracious.
"Look, Brianne. I know I promised I'd stop by later but something's come up."
Something's come up? Was he really pulling out that tired old line? And what about a few conversational preliminaries like, how was your day? Or, how is work going? Since the miscarriage Wade hadn't once asked if I was behind schedule, if I needed to hire temporary help.
"What's come up?" I said.
"There's this guy I really need to meet tonight, for business purposes. I know I said I'd check in on you, see if you needed anything—"
"That's okay." I said forestalling another lame excuse. "I'm fine, Eve was here earlier, and I talked to Jamie a little while ago."
"Good, good." Wade sounded infinitely relieved that I hadn't made scene. Not that I ever had. "Because this guy could be very important to us. To the family. He knows just about everyone there is to know both in Boston and New York."
"He must be quite a guy." I wondered if Wade heard the sarcasm in my voice. If he did, he chose not to respond to it.
"Oh, I almost forgot. My mother asked about you."
"Oh? She called you?" Mrs. Barrett hadn't called me since the miscarriage. But then again, my own mother hadn't returned the call I'd made to her. Although maybe it was better she hadn't called, given that completely unsympathetic card she'd sent me.
"Yes, I spoke to her earlier."
Did I have to drag it out of him? "Well, what did you tell her?" Although how would Wade know how I was doing? I'd hardly seen him since he'd dropped me off that dreadful day. And our phone conversations had all been about as stiff as those between an employer and the employee he'd just fired.
"I told her you were fine."
I imagined my nerve ending fraying into nothing. "Look, Wade, I've got to go."
"Right, me too. Wish us luck with this guy."
"Wade?" I said, suddenly not wanting to let him go. "How are you doing?"
He sighed. He sounded impatient now to be gone. "I just told you, work is crazy right now so I'm a little stressed. I've got a massage scheduled tomorrow so that should help and—"
"Wade. I mean about what happened. Losing the baby."
There was a long moment of silence. I tried to picture the expression on Wade's face as he struggled for something to say, but I couldn't. I couldn't see him at all.
"Brianne." He said finally, brusquely. "I've got to go. This is the office, not a place for a personal conversation."
I took a deep breath before saying, "Right. Good luck with the connected guy."
We didn't actually say goodbye.
The phone rang at nine the next morning, waking me from a deep sleep and the dreams. I was being choked. My mouth was full of grit. I crouched at the edge of a pond and saw in the water my own face in miniature.
Caller ID told me it was Jamie. I reached for the receiver. I didn't want to go back to sleep and those awful dreams.
"Did I wake you?" She asked.
"Yes but its okay. Really." I pushed the pillows up behind my back. I saw my reflection in the vanity's mirror and shuddered.
"So, is it okay if I come over for a bit?"
"Sure." I said. "Okay but I'm warning you, I've looked better. This might be the worst hair day of my life."
"I promise not to grimace. I'll be there in half an hour."
I managed to put a robe on over my nightgown and to drag a brush through my hair. By the time Jamie arrived a half hour later I'd had a cup of coffee and was semi-awake.
"How are you?" Jamie asked.
Oh, I was getting so tired of that question. "The doctor said that I'll probably be depressed and irritable and all sorts of nasty things for some time. So I've got that to look forward to."
"Think of the potential, Brianne." Jamie said brightly. "You can get away with murder—in some states, anyway—because the hormones are responsible, not you."
"Can't anything I feel be real?" I cried. "Does it all have to be caused by hormones? Is every feeling suspect? I resent this. I resent being told I'm not the real owner of my feelings. Who I am can't be reduced to some stupid chemical formula!"
"I'm sorry, Brianne." She said softly. "Really. It was dumb; I shouldn't have tried to make a joke."
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten all crazy. See? I can admit I'm acting crazy so maybe I'm not a total mess."
"You're not a mess at all. You're a very normal woman going through a very difficult time. That's all."
"That's enough!"
Jamie gave a half-hearted laugh, then the words came blurting out. "Brianne, I have something to tell you." She looked down at her hands and twisted her wedding ring crazily. "I'm embarrassed to admit this, but we're friends and I'm your maid-of-honor and I feel uncomfortable not being totally honest with you."
I wondered, had Jamie taken a hint from Elise's life? Was she having an affair with a married man? Or maybe, like Kristen, she had made a play for Wade! What, I wondered, was happening to my friends?
"Okay."
"It's a terrible thing to admit, especially just after the miscarriage—"
"It's okay. Just tell me."
"Well, when you got pregnant…it was a little difficult for me. It shouldn't have been but it was. I was happy for Brianne, honestly, but I was also miserable. Randy and I have been trying for a baby but no luck so far."
"Were you jealous?"
"Honor, not jealous." Jamie shook her head. "I'm sorry, Brianne. I'm being all whiney and self-pitying. And believe me I'm so, so sorry about happened. I came over this morning thinking I might be of some help."
"Let's say we're both here to help each other, okay? I'm so sorry, Jamie. I never knew you and Randy were trying."
"Well, it's not something that rules my life anymore. I've worked on that. Its bad enough I brought it up now. Talk about dampening a good mood."
"Friends have a right to dampen each other's good moods once in a while. I've certainly dampened my share since that little pink stick told me I was pregnant. And let's face it, I wasn't in such a good mood this morning anyway."
Jamie pulled her hand from mine and stood up. "I know just how to get us both into a good mood. We need to go get a big cookie. One for each of us. A big, dense, chocolate chip cookie."
"One you could eat with a knife and fork?"
"Exactly."
I got up from the couch and stretched. It felt good to move. "I thought you didn't eat sweets. Miss Whole Foods Tofu Girl."
Jamie smiled. "This is an exception. Now go and put on some decent clothes."
I took a few steps toward the bathroom and then stopped. "You know, everyone but you had a suggestion about what to name the baby. Even Elise had an opinion."
"Oh, I had a suggestion. I just didn't think I should offer it."
"Why?"
"What you named the baby was your business, not mine."
"Tell me now."
"How about." She said. "I keep my suggestion to myself. Until the next time, okay?"
Tears came to my eyes again but this time they weren't sad tears. What would I do without Jamie, I wondered. Without Elise, without Carrie. Who would I be?
"Okay, until the next time."
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