Chapter 29: The Love God
Life never does go the way you plan it, does it? Instead of going the day after my last adventure, like I planned, I couldn't go until another week after. I think I may just have to accept that I'm a week behind my planned schedule for adventures and live with it.
Other than that though, it's been another uneventful week.
I walked through the portal again and was transported to the graveyard where the twins and the other teenagers (minus Robbie) were looking at clouds.
"Hey, Nathan! Glad you made it. We were worried you wouldn't show." Wendy greeted.
"'Sup?" I replied. "Oh, cool, a cloud shaped like a star." I said casually.
"Whoa. That one looks like a chipmunk!" Mabel exclaimed, when an airplane flew through the cloud exactly where the mouth would be.
"Barfing an airplane." Wendy added as we laughed.
"Uh, that cloud looks like, uh, a cloud." Thompson said, pointing at a cloud that looked a lot like a waffle. Everyone else booed.
"What? Thompson. Stop being the worst at everything." Wendy half-joked.
"Heh heh. Sorry guys." Thompson apologized.
"Looking at clouds." Mabel continued. "Ooh, that one looks like a big heart-shaped balloon."
"Clouds don't come in colors. That is a balloon." Dipper noted.
"Oh, dude, it's the Woodstick Festival." Wendy said.
"Wait. The wood what?" Dipper asked.
"It's this annual outdoor concert featuring Oregon's upcoming indie bands." Wendy explained, taking Tambry's phone and showing us. "They're all coming. Scarves Indoors, Wood Grain on Everything, The Love God—you've probably seen him in that viral video." Said video began to play on the phone, showing a rather comical scene.
"Whoa. Like, a real concert-concert?" Dipper asked. "I've, uh… I've never actually been to one of those before."
"Me neither." I added.
"That's because you've never had an awesome crew to roll with before." Wendy said, pointing to Nate and Lee encouraging Thompson to lick a rather disgusting sponge and he did so. "When you're with us, you're in."
The moment was interrupted by a loud moan echoing through the air.
"Ghostly sounds! Cemetery ghostly sounds!" Mabel said.
"It's coming from that open grave." Wendy noted as we walked towards the source.
"You look."
"No, you look!"
"Thompson, go look." Dipper told him.
"Nice use of Thompson." Nate said, pushing Thompson forward.
"Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death." We chanted, as Thompson slowly approached the grave, and screamed when he looked inside as we walked up.
"Ugh. It's even creepier than I expected." Tambry said. Inside the open grave was Robbie mourning over the breakup with Wendy.
"Why did she leave me?" Robbie moaned.
"Robbie?" Wendy questioned.
"WENDY! Oh, uh, heh heh." Robbie panicked, scrambling to look like he was being casual. "Hey. What's up? Just, uh, hanging out in this grave, y'know, regular. Regular day for me."
"Whoa, dude. We haven't seen you in, like, a million years. Where have you been?" Lee said.
"You're not still mourning our breakup, are you?" Wendy asked.
"What? No way." Robbie replied, as he tried to discretely hide the picture of Wendy he had out.
"Robbie, we split up forever ago." Wendy continued. "It's really sweet that you'd throw yourself into a grave for me, but man, time to move on."
"What? I've totally moved on!" Robbie said. Right then, his phone rang, and his ringtone was a song he wrote about how he'll never move on from Wendy. Robbie fished it out of his pocket and threw it behind him, shattering it against a tombstone. "That was a different Wendy. Unrelated Wendy."
"Dude, this is getting really awkward." Lee whispered.
"Yeah. The cemetery used to be fun. Now it's just depressing." Tambry added. We began leaving, but Mabel looked back at the depressed Robbie.
"Wait, you guys! He's in pain. We can't just ditch him here." Mabel said.
"Come on, Mabel. It's Robbie." Dipper pointed out.
"But he's suffering." Mabel countered. "How can I be happy if I know someone else is sad? It totally throws off my happiness chart." Mabel pulled out a piece of paper with all of our faces on it and a smiling sticker next to each of them except Robbie's, as Mabel put a frowning sticker next to his.
"Not everyone can be happy, Mabel." I said. "Although, it is nice of you to try and keep everyone happy."
"Yeah. And trust me. If there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's not to get mixed up in needless romantic drama." Dipper told her. "Besides; we're finally in with Wendy's friends. With Robbie gone, there's a good social balance. Maybe we should just let a good thing be, you know?"
~Time skip brought to you by: Trying to use fewer time skips.~
"Oh, man. I'm sorry you guys had to see that." Wendy said.
"You know what Robbie needs? A new girl." Mabel stated. "Romance is like gum: once it's lost its flavor, you just cram another one in."
"That is wrong on so many levels." I said.
"Mabel, it's not that easy." Wendy replied.
"It is if you're the world's greatest matchmaker. I've never had an unhappy customer! Like Soos and Melody." Mabel said, gesturing over at Soos and Melody talking through video chat. "Match made! Then of course, there's Waddles and Gompers." Mabel continued, pointing at Waddles and Gompers in homemade wedding attire and duct taped together. "Match made."
"That might work for a goat and a pig, but Robbie's a hopeless case." Wendy said.
"Sort of like me, I suppose…" I mumbled quietly.
"Hopeless case, eh?" Mabel said.
"Um, should we be worried about this?" Dipper whispered to me.
"Nah, don't worry. Everything will turn out perfectly fine." I replied. "It'll be a bit of a bumpy ride, but it'll turn out just fine in the end." After I said this, I decided to go watch Stan outside. Dipper followed, wondering what was about to happen that I was going to watch.
"Puttin' a rainbow wig on a big white gorilla." Stan sang to himself, sowing a rainbow wig on a taxidermy white gorilla, when the wind picked up, blowing the wig off. "What the-? Oh no. Hot air balloons? Fixed gear bikes?!… Folk music! It's the Woodstick Festival! Soos! Lock down the shack and hide my shirts before anyone tie dyes them!" Stan panicked, going through a trunk full of weapons and pulling out a crossbow, taking aim. "They're slow. I can probably take a few down."
"Wait, Mr. Pines!" Soos yelled, forcing the arrow to shoot low, hitting a tree. "I've been thinking. Every year, this festival comes by, and every year, you shun what could be potential customers."
"You really think I could make money off of these freeloading, kale munching freak shows?" Stan asked.
"Well, he make money off of everyone else." I pointed out.
"True, true." Dipper nodded.
"You just gotta figure out what appeals to them." Soos said.
"Hm. How do I appeal to young people?" Stan asked himself, before glancing up. "So young people are into hot air balloons, eh? Soos! Get some bedsheets and curtains! We're gonna make a balloon."
"Should we be worried about this?" Dipper asked.
"…Maybe." I told him.
"Hi guys, bye guys!" Mabel yelled as she ran past us out of the shack at top speed.
"What's she doing?" Dipper questioned.
"Matchmaking." I answered simply.
"Of course she is." Dipper sighed, a good-natured smile appearing as he shook his head slightly. "So, anyway, while we're waiting for the concert later on, I was wanting to ask you if you could possibly maybe tell me about how we meet the author? We've gotta be getting close to meeting him, right?"
"Actually, it might be a good idea to tell you some of the highlights. Then, when it happens, it'll be a little less of a shock to you." I pondered. Dipper's face immediately lit up in excitement, and the slightest hint of worry. "I am going to deliberately tell you in cryptic messages so that it won't make sense until it happens."
"Um… okay." Dipper said.
"He spent thirty years trying to fix his biggest mistake." I stated.
"That's a little vague." Dipper noted.
"That's the point. I'll also tell you more cryptic sentences about when you meet the author and what leads up to it until it actually begins to unfold at random intervals." I replied. "Anyway, when are we supposed to leave and get ready for the concert again?"
"Um, pretty soon, I think. I'm not sure." Dipper replied. "Wendy never really told me when it was, just that it was today."
~Time skip brought to you by: If you see any typos, please tell me so I can fix it. This goes for everything I have published and will publish.~
"Alright. Who's ready for the best and most overpriced day of our summer?" Wendy cheered. The rest of us cheered as well.
"I brought a baggie of trail mix, and some safety whistles, in case we get separated." Thompson added.
"Lame." Dipper said, faking a cough over it. The rest of us laughed.
"This kid is a champion!" Lee laughed.
"We're just waiting on Tambry. Can't leave without Tambry." Nate added.
"Sorry guys, but Tambry's a little busy at the moment. Wink wink." Mabel hinted, winking.
"What's that mean? Why are you winking?" Nate asked.
"Let's just say she and Robbie took a trip to smooch-ville. Now everyone's happy!" Mabel answered.
"Wait. Robbie and Tambry?" Nate exclaimed. "This can't be happening!"
"How's that?" Mabel asked, confused.
"He knew I liked her! How could he do this?!" Nate continued.
"Whoa, hold up. You like Tambry? And you told Robbie but not me?" Lee said.
"Well, you always make fun of my crushes, man." Nate replied.
"That's what we do, genius!" Lee told him.
"Oh, oh! This is so like Tambry to do this!" Wendy exclaimed. "Dating my ex behind my back. I'm gonna tear her highlights out!"
"Guys, guys! Calm down! We're gonna be late for the concert." Dipper said.
"Uh, news flash, kid. I'm not going to the concert. Not with him." Nate replied.
"That won't be a problem, because I'm out." Lee added.
"Me too." Wendy huffed as they all left.
"Wait, wait! This group is all I have!" Thompson pleaded. "Don't make me go back to having no friends! Guys!"
"Match… made?" Mabel said, holding the chart of happiness as all the stickers of a smiley face fell off.
"Wait, guys! Don't go! Not my mailbox!" Thompson continued, as Nate punched Thompson's mailbox, and hurt his hand in doing so. "What did you just do?! I've let these guys pick on me for years to keep this group together! And now they've totally fallen apart!" Thompson snapped.
"But we were all starting to finally hang out together! I was one of the gang!" Dipper said.
"Well, unless you can break up Robbie and Tambry immediately, there is no gang. I have no more friends. And neither do you. I'm gonna eat this." Thompson replied, leaving the garage while eating the single chip that was duct taped to his shirt.
"Mabel, what did I tell you about staying out of Robbie's personal life?" Dipper reminded.
"I know, I know. I just wanted to be a good matchmaker." Mabel replied. "I never should have gotten the love potion from the Love God."
"Wait, 'love potion'?" Dipper asked. "If you did a spell, then can't you, like, undo it?"
"That's it!" Mabel gasped. "If I undo the spell, then everyone will be friends again! But I'm gonna need your help. Also, you are not pulling off that V-neck."
"I know…" Dipper said.
"Burn it!" Mabel yelled.
"I think it looks fine." I added.
~Time skip brought to you by: If you look closely at the opening scene of the Woodstick Festival, you can see several recurring characters such as Blind Ivan and the America guy.~
Now at the concert, we hid behind some trash cans preparing to sneak in when Thompson and the others came by.
"Wait, come back, guys! Come on!" Thompson pleaded. "Tickets were $100. I sold my watch! You've gotta come to the concert."
"Ew. And have to look at that? No thanks." Wendy spat, gesturing to Robbie and Tambry.
"Ugh. They're doing that couple hug walk." Dipper groaned. I put a finger to his lips before he could yell at them.
"Let's move." I said as we snuck in past the guards and over to the Love God's van.
"Love God? Sound check for Love God?"
The Love God tumbled out the back of the van, and Tyler and a woman peeked out as well.
"Let's make some miracles happen! Groupies, bed head me." Love God cheered as his 'groupies' ruffled his hair up to make it look messy, as though he just got out of bed. "Love God's about to get crazy! Oh, hey, alright." Love God said, stumbling into the side of the van as Tyler and the woman followed him.
"Now's our chance!" Mabel whispered, as we snuck over to the open van and to the unguarded potions in the back. "Here we go! Let's see… 'Puppy Love', 'Interspecies Love', 'Love of Country Music'… ew."
"I agree, that is 'ew'." I commented.
"Oh! 'Anti-Love'!" Mabel said. "'To reverse the effects of love potion, simply spray on your victim and watch their heart die on the inside.'"
"Sounds good to me." Dipper added.
"Hey!" We turned our heads to see Love God standing in front of us. "You're the one who's been stealing my stuff. I am NOT loving this!"
"I'm sorry, but I made a mistake and I have to fix it." Mabel explained.
"Kid, I tried to tell you. This stuff is WAY too dangerous!" Love God continued as we began running. "On my oath as a God, I can not let you- oh, hey, where'd you just go?"
"I'm sorry Love God, but it's for the good of my friends!" Mabel shouted back at him.
"Come back here!" Love God yelled, chasing after us.
"Dipper, catch!" Mabel yelled, throwing the potion to Dipper, who caught it as we ran on the stage, where three men whose mustaches were tied together were playing guitar. The Handlebar Bros.
"Get those kids!" Love God ordered, as they blocked us.
"Halt!" The Handlebar Bros. commanded.
"We mustache you to move!" The middle man said. Dipper and Mabel pulled their mustaches down so that they headbutted with each other, falling down to the ground.
"Good one." Dipper commented, talking about the pun, as we jumped into the crowd and began crowd surfing.
"Woo! Thank you!" Mabel laughed.
"Ah! Ah! No no no, everyone's touching everything!" Dipper squeaked.
"This is an unusual experience." I said.
"Give me back that potion!" Love God demanded, while high-fiving a fan and giving another fan a cassette. When we got to the end of the crowd, we kept running as the Love God kept chasing us.
"Dipper, Nathan, look!" Mabel said, pointing at Robbie and Tambry together. Mabel grabbed a nearby empty spray bottle and put the top of it into the potion vial. "Just one clean shot to the back of their heads and everything's fixed!" As we began approaching them, Love God landed in front of us, stopping us in our tracks. I took the time to take a much needed breather after running so much.
"Sorry kids, but you've left me no choice. Visions of heartbreak past!" Love God shouted, throwing some potions on the ground as a pink smoke appeared, and Mabel's past crushes appeared. Dipper punched one of them, causing him to disappear.
"Ha! You really think we'd fall for that?" Dipper laughed, when we heard Mabel laughing, a d we saw her with all the others.
"Sure you can all marry me!" Mabel laughed. "Oh, guy from the $10 bill, I forgot I had a crush on you."
"Dang it, Mabel! They're not real!" Dipper shouted.
"Just give us the bottle, Mabel." The fake Mermando said as the others nodded.
"Mabel, don't! Mabel, it's a trick! Don't give him the-" Dipper yelled, as Mabel handed the bottle over. The fake Mermando threw the bottle over to the Love God as they all disappeared and Love God caught it.
"Ugh! Curse my oversized heart." Mabel complained.
"Sorry kids, but that's what happens when you mess with a God!" Love God proclaimed. "Only a greater being from the heavens themselves could possibly stop—" Love God stopped himself when he saw a large shadow appear.
The shadow was a flaming hot air balloon shaped like Stan's head coming down. The balloon had the words 'I eat kids' above it, although it was fairly clear that two letters had fallen off. However, nobody would know that it was meant to say 'I heart kids'. I began doubling over in hysterical laughter. The balloon crashed down on top of the Love God in such a way so that it looked like he was eaten by the balloon, as he dropped the potion as it rolled over to us.
"I guess that balloon is a 'greater being from the heavens themselves'." I joked. "And I guess that the Love God is a kid." Meanwhile, a small crowd had gathered around the balloon as a man used a water hose to put out the fire. Other people were still panicking over the balloon.
"What's everyone crying about? In my day, zeppelins fell from the sky like raindrops." Stan said as him and Soos approached.
"It's him! The horrible old man from the sky!" A teenager yelled, pointing at Stan as everyone ran away from him.
"You know what? Being loved by the youth is overrated." Stan told Soos. "Being feared? Now, that's priceless."
"Love God? Are you okay?" Dipper called out.
"He's probably alright since Nathan joked about it." Mabel added.
"He's perfectly fine. Just a little dazed is all." I replied.
"Dude! I am so over this!" Love God stated, crawling out from under the balloon.
"Love God to the stage. Love God to the stage?" An announcer said over the microphone.
"Look kid, take it, okay? Smite everyone for all I care! You wanna mess with people's lives? You want to play God? Do it. 'Cause I'm sick of it!" Love God huffed, stumbling off. "Medic! I need… I need onion rings!"
"Yeah, he's fine. Just a little dazed is all." I repeated.
"Okay, let's go." Dipper stated as we went up the hill towards Robbie and Tambry. When we got there, we hid in a bush behind them. "Okay, guys. Now's our chance. They break up, and the whole friend group gets back together." Before Mabel sprayed them however, Robbie spotted her as Dipper and I ducked behind the bush and Mabel hid the potion behind her back.
"Mabel! Mabel, I just wanted to thank you. I've been so miserable since Wendy broke up with me that I thought my life was over." Robbie told her. "But you were right. I just needed to move on. I'm… 'happy'? Weird, huh?"
"Robbie, people are commenting on our pictures." Tambry said, as Robbie walked back over to Tambry, while showing the heart on his hoodie to Mabel, a nod to when she zipped it up earlier to represent that she would try and fix his heart.
"Dipper, Nathan, maybe we shouldn't do this. I mean, every time we've played with people's fates, it's only made things worse." Mabel reasoned.
"They are kinda perfect for each other, in a… gross kind of way." Dipper added. "But what about our friend group?"
"Well, maybe it'll sort itself out." Mabel replied. "I mean, there's gotta be something that can bring everyone back together."
"Hey, there's Thompson." I said, pointing over to Thompson carrying a cake.
"Guys, I made a friendship cake! So let's all get over this, okay?" Thompson said, when a beach ball hit him in the face, causing him to drop the cake. "My cake!" Thompson exclaimed, bending over to pick up the dropped cake. As he did so, the jacket he was wearing tore open, revealing all the snacks taped to his shirt. The security guards noticed this and began chasing Thompson, attracting the attention of the other teens.
"Whoa! Hey, look!" Lee exclaimed.
"Is that Thompson?" Wendy asked as Thompson climbed up a pole while the security guard tried to hit him with a broom.
"Fight the machine, Thompson!" Nate cheered.
"Throw snacks at 'em!" Wendy called out.
"Use jerky as a weapon!" Robbie shouted.
"Thompson!" Nate yelled, as the group began chanting Thompson's name repeatedly. Nate and Lee punched each other playfully, Wendy and Tambry smiled at each other, and Robbie and Wendy gave each other smiles that said all was forgiven.
"I think everything just might be alright." Mabel said.
"Yeah. Like I told Dipper earlier, it may have been a bit of a bumpy ride, but everything turned out fine in the end." I added.
"You knew that it would happen like this, didn't you?" Dipper asked.
"Yep." I replied.
"So, if you kmew we wouldn't need the anti-love potion, then why did we go through all that trouble to get it?" Dipper questioned.
"Well, where would be the fun in that?" I said jokingly.
"All according to plan." Thompson said, hanging from a rope.
"Relationships will be strained, but in the end, trust the ones you know the most." I said as I walked through the portal.
"What?"
