Back again so soon? Why, yes! Glad to see that you came back. Thank you to all the readers who are sticking it out through the tough times! I know it's been happy fail, lately, but we're making progress here, people. You have a big happy ending in your future…somewhere. It will be well worth the wait, though. Promise.
Reviewers – I'm not sure whether to thank you or to hide from you… I hoped you liked your teaser!
Twilightzoner – smiles, love, a whole bunch of flowers, and gingerbread men sent your way. Thank you for your mad beta skills and validating ways. Love to you!
Lizzylillyrose- what can I say, you're my other half in this crazy fandom. Thank you for keeping me from pulling my hair out.
SM, yeah, that girl, she still owns it all. And Ben is only from my head. *cough* For the sake of disclaimers, anyway.
FTGH was also featured on the LUV'NV blog this week. Cheers for that pimpage. Thank you, ladies!
Enough of my ramblings… Chapter 29 is now yours…
Chapter 29: Enough
BPOV
The air was cold when I stepped outside, definitely cooler than what it was earlier today. The sun had escaped its confounds of the sky, the moon failing in comparison to its light and warmth. I didn't walk far, finding a bench right beside the sliding doors of the hotel where the reception was held.
I smoothed out the slick material of my black dress as I waited for Edward to join me. When the nonexistent creases no longer kept my attention, I focused on my surroundings, counting the individual cars that drove by, observing the ranges of people who entered and exited the glass doors, even attempting at counting the dim speckles of light that sat beside the moon. Even though seeing the stars was next to impossible with the heavy smog that was painted above us.
I had a hard time wrapping my mind around that he was actually here, that just moments ago his hand was holding mine. I desperately attempted to keep my buried hope from rising and pushing through my carefully crafted surface. I had locked Edward in my box of no returns so long ago, convinced that he was gone forever, irrevocably out of reach.
One dance didn't change anything. This coming conversation wouldn't change anything. We were two different people now.
What we had was…over.
"Here you are." His deep voice brought me out of my internal battle, and I looked up to see his tall form standing slightly beside me, towering above my seated body. He rubbed the palm of his hand roughly over his defined, scruffy jaw line, his eyes looking over at me with such…wonder, amusement?
"Here I am," I responded softly, a shiver ripping unexpectedly through my chilled body.
"You're cold," he observed, frowning.
I rubbed my hands over my exposed arms and smiled. "I'm fine."
He sighed heavily and held his hand out for me. "Come on, I've booked a room here. We can go talk upstairs."
I scoffed, "No offense, but that's a really bad idea. I'm just fine out here."
"Bella, we're just talking. I don't want you getting sick."
"Edward," I countered firmly. "I would feel more comfortable sitting right here." I remembered clearly what happened when he and I were alone in a room together after years of separation…images of the ten year reunion dancing in my mind all too vividly.
"Okay, uh, fine," he surrendered, taking a seat beside me.
I scooted over to the far end of the bench, not wanting to be close to him. My emotions were battling each other; anger was suiting up while the tears were rounding up the troops. But Edward wouldn't be the victim here…I was. My heart just couldn't take it.
"What do you want to talk about?" I finally mustered.
"There's a lot we need to talk about; I don't really know where to start…it's been so long."
"Yeah, try three fucking years." Anger must be lined up in formation and ready to go as the shot of hostility broke through my façade.
"Please, don't yell at me, Bella," he pleaded.
"You were gone, Edward! I never heard from you in all this time…you just left!" Tears weren't far behind, their guns in hand, taking the field.
"No, Bella! You left! How dare you put this on me! You flew back to New York without a glance in my direction!" he yelled back at me, twisting in his seat and jabbing his finger into my vicinity bubble.
"Maybe because even the sight of you after what you did made me sick," I spat, swatting his arm away while venom leaked through my carelessly crafted words.
His face visibly fell from my loud outburst, and his whole body surrendered to the support that the wooden bench provided. "Bella, I'm really sorry. I should have never…none of it, everything, ah, fuck. I didn't mean to yell at you. You had every right to leave me."
I took a deep breath, internally warning my emotions to keep their asses in check. "I don't want your apologies, Edward." I downcast my eyes and focused my attention back onto the slick material of my dress. "I just want to know what happened…why you never came back. What happened in Italy?" I eventually lifted my head and looked in his direction.
He looked surprised. "You knew I went to Italy?"
"Word gets around, you know," I excused.
His lips lifted up into a small smile. "That it does."
"So…Italy," I prodded.
"I…I just…uh, I just needed to sort out some things."
I waited for further explanation…he was the one who wanted to come out here and talk, after all. "And?" I finally added, hoping for more of a response.
"And what?" he asked, confused.
"If you're going to be all elusive then why are you even sitting here wasting my time? You wanted to talk, so talk, Edward, because my patience with you is wearing thin." I sat up a bit straighter, proud of myself for standing up to him without my voice breaking.
"Please, Bella, cut with the hostility…I'm trying here. Just…give me a second to get my thoughts together."
He was quiet for a moment, and I took the time to take in his appearance. He looked older, that was for sure. He had deeper wrinkles around his eyes and across his forehead. He rubbed his long fingers together in his lap, breathing heavily and not looking in my direction. I was sure he could feel my visual appraisal of him.
"What you said to me, Bella…back in Forks, over Thanksgiving, it really stuck, you know?" he began, looking down at his entangled hands. "You brought things to my attention that I had buried so deeply, refusing to even acknowledge that they were a problem…a problem for me, for our relationship. I didn't call you because I knew that you deserved better than just half of me. I…for so long…was holding onto Jane, unconsciously comparing the two of you, unable to let her go. You didn't deserve that. So I left for Italy…"
I sat, barely breathing listening to his confession.
"So you went to be with her? Because you gave up any hope with me?" I asked, tears pricking my eyes, clouding my vision.
"No, Bella," he said earnestly. "I went to say goodbye, to move on…closure, I guess."
"But that was years ago! I heard you went to Italy a few months after we broke up! How much closure did you need, Edward?"
"A lot."
All of my fears of not being good enough suddenly resurfaced with vengeance. The pain of us left a gaping wound that felt like it was being filled with tar. I couldn't take this.
"Edward…please, I can't do this." The tears fell fluidly down my cheeks.
"Do what, Bella? I'm trying to explain to you…"
"That it's Jane, it's always been Jane," I finished for him, standing up and grabbing at the length of my dress. "I get it, I do. You didn't need to come here to tell me that, Edward. I was doing fine here without you. Please, just…leave me alone."
"Bella, will you just listen to me?" He stood up and blocked my way back into the building. "I left Italy two years ago! Yes, it took me a while to lay Jane to rest, but Bella, everything I've done these last three years have been for you. I've only wanted to be good enough for you!"
I shook my head and shut my eyes. "You don't love me." This is what I repeated to myself every time I thought about him over these black years. "You don't love me," I said again, mostly for my benefit.
I felt his hands rub down the length of my arms and his voice was soft and gentle in my ears, "I've done nothing but love you. Bella, loving you has been the best part of my life."
A sob escaped and Edward held me tighter, our faces only inches apart.
"Edward, I'm with somebody now."
"I know that."
"I won't move to Seattle."
"I won't ask you to."
"I don't know who you are anymore."
"You know me better than anyone else in this world."
My voice broke again. "What do you want from me?" I asked. His hands had moved to my face, his fingers wiping away the tears from my cheeks.
"I…"
"Uh, Bella?" The voice behind Edward broke the trance we were in as both of our heads snapped in that direction. He removed his hands from my face, tucking them into the pockets of his pants and had stepped to stand beside me. I hastily used the back of my hand to dry the remainder of the tears.
"Uhh," I mumbled, stalling. "Hi, Ben."
"What are you doing out here, baby? It's freezing!" He came over and wrapped his arms around me, and I saw Edward stiffen from the corner of my eye. "I was looking all over for you," he admitted, kissing my forehead.
"I'm…uh, we were just out here talking," I stuttered.
He smiled down at me and then looked over at Edward. "I don't think we were properly introduced, I'm Ben Elliott." He reached out his hand and Edward grabbed it politely.
"Edward Cullen."
"Cullen? Are you related to Rose?"
Edward scoffed; I was sure from the casual nickname for his twin sister. "Yeah, she's my sister."
"That's interesting," he said, cocking his head to the side, "I don't ever remember anyone mentioning you."
Edward just smiled wickedly, and I personally recoiled into myself.
"It's probably best that you don't know who I am, then," he relayed strongly.
"And that is supposed to mean, what, exactly?" Ben said, matching his attitude.
"Nothing, it means nothing," I answered. "Edward, please don't start," I begged, eyes pleading.
He responded with a sad smile. "It's nice to meet you, Ben," he said much nicer this time. "You have a wonderful lady on your arm. She is absolutely stunning." I felt Ben look down at me but my eyes were locked with Edward's. This was not okay.
"I'm ready to go inside now," I said up to Ben. He tucked me closer into his side and walked me in, leaving Edward to the chill air of the dark night.
"What was that all about, Bella?" Ben asked as we made our way back into the reception.
I squeezed his hand before I headed back to the restroom to clean up. "It was nothing." Liar. "He's just an old friend…we went to high school together." Tell him the truth. "I'll…I'll be right back." He nodded as I released his grip, making my way to the back of the large room. Coward.
I pushed the heavy door open and shut it quickly behind me, leaning up against it for a moment and tried desperately to regain my composure. It wasn't fair for him just to waltz back in here…telling me those things. Did he mean them? Did it matter? No. Maybe.
Maybe!
Yes, actually. It did matter. It was Edward we were talking about.
I started crying again. This wasn't fair to my heart, this tug-of-war between all of my emotions. I had already found someone else…this wasn't right to even be considering…this…whatever this was…for Ben's sake. I was finally in a healthy relationship.
Healthy at what cost?
What the hell was that supposed to mean!
God, now I was quite literally arguing with my subconscious.
Are you happy?
Yes.
…
Maybe.
I liked Ben…a lot. I loved him.
This is Edward.
Edward left.
You left…you ran away.
He didn't come after me.
You didn't go back for him, either. He had his reasons, just like you had yours.
I can't forgive him.
Who are you kidding? You forgave him a long time ago.
I missed him.
He loves you.
It hurts to think about him.
Because you're scared.
Of course I was scared!
He made you happy. Remember that?
I will always remember…
Why are you fighting this?
I'm with someone! Ben is a part of my life.
Edward is your life.
Okay, now you're just being over dramatic! I am my own person, with or without Edward. I don't need him.
But do you want him?
I've always wanted him.
He's outside waiting for you. He came back for you. He said he wanted to make himself good enough for you, Bella, and he's back…for you.
You're giving me a headache.
You already had a headache.
Damn-it.
"Bella?" There was a knock at the door, and I jumped back, taken off guard. The door opened slowly, and Rose and Alice slipped inside.
"Honey, why are you talking to yourself? What happened?"
"You heard that?"
They smiled sheepishly. "A lot of people heard it, sweetie. You're crying really loudly and practically screaming in here."
I could feel my face brighten in color, and the tears flowed harder. "Did…did…he…hear me?"
The two girls looked at each other before Alice answered, "He's camped outside the door."
"I meant Edward," I clarified. I felt bad, but this wasn't about Ben right now.
"I was talking about Edward," she replied, confused.
My sobs increased in volume once again. "Oh, Bella," Rosalie comforted, wrapping her arms around me. "I thought you were doing better."
"It's not…he can't just…I've moved…"
"Shhh, honey, it's okay. We understand."
"I don't know what to do," I admitted pretty incoherently into her shoulder.
"Have you talked to him?"
"Kind of…I sort of yelled at him, accused him of still loving Jane, and then he might have maybe said that it was all for me."
"What was all for you?" Alice asked.
"Everything." I shrugged.
"Bella, I won't make excuses for my brother…he does a lot of stupid shit…always has, but he was so excited to go talk to you tonight. I haven't seen him that happy since the last time you guys were together."
"But what about me and my happiness? Is that too selfish to ask for? What about my peace of mind, my sanity? He comes back on his terms and tells me that? Where is my say?"
"Bells, you answer for yourself everyday," Alice piped in.
"And that means…"
"I see you when you're with Ben, and I really do like the guy, don't get me wrong, but you don't shine, Bells. Seeing you dance with Edward…God, I haven't seen that much passion in your eyes in years. And this display in the bathroom? You tell me everyday how much you miss him, if it's not with actual words, it's when you bring up a memory, or make a small side comment. I catch all of them, Bella. Your answer has been Edward all along. You just didn't go after him…but he came here. He deserves some credit for that, don't you think?"
"Is he too late, though?" I asked, even though I knew deep down I was the only one who could really answer that.
They both were quiet. "All I know, is that if were Jasper that showed up…three years, five years, a decade, later, I wouldn't waste another day. He's my soul-mate, and those things have a way of working themselves out in the end."
"I would wait forever for the love of my life," Rosalie added. "I'm just glad you don't have to."
I rested my tired body against the door of the stall and began to bang my head. The girls chuckled and Rose wet a towel and wiped under my eyes. My makeup was a lost cause at this point.
While they were trying to clean me up, there was another knock at the door.
"Hey, babe?" Ben's voice filtered through and his head came into view. He saw my state and his shoulders visibly dropped. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
The girls looked to me for approval, and I nodded. They each left the pink dusted room and left Ben and I to ourselves.
"What's all this about, Bella?" he asked defensively.
"It's nothing."
"Don't tell me it's nothing!" he yelled. I recoiled by the loud outburst. "This…" he pointed at me, "is obviously not nothing!"
"Lower your voice, please!"
"No. I will not fucking lower my voice. I deserve a goddamed explanation!"
His tone must have not sat well with a particular listener because a very angry Edward came barging into the bathroom.
"How dare you speak to her that way!" he shouted. Oh no.
Ben looked equally as heated as Edward, and all of his attention became focused on him. "Listen, pal, this is about me and my girlfriend, so I suggest you get the fuck out and mind your own damn business!"
"I will not just sit there and let you speak to her like that!"
"Edward, please, don't."
He glanced over at me and he looked in pain from at what he saw. I knew I looked a mess, but gosh.
"He doesn't get to speak to you that way, baby."
"And you don't get to call me baby," I countered. "And he's right," I looked over at Ben. "I'm sorry for all the drama tonight, but you have no right to yell at me. I will explain…everything…but right now, I am exhausted." I took a deep breath and for the hundredth time tonight wiped my face with my hands.
"I'm going to bed…I'll see you in the morning." I walked out of the bathroom, finding Rose and Emmett and kissing them both before going to our hotel room upstairs. I knew that Ben would be there tonight, but I seriously hoped he would give me some time to just…think…before he came up for bed.
I truly was exhausted. I had done so well over these past few years at keeping my emotions buried that so many coming out in the span of a few hours was overwhelming. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Because, really, I already knew deep down what the answer was, and I didn't think anyone was going to be particularly happy about it.
I awoke the next morning with a splitting headache. I winced as I pried my glued eyes open, cursing myself for not removing the remainder of my eye makeup last night before I collapsed in the bed. I literally came back up to the room and crashed, not even bothering to remove my dress or take down my hair. I hastily made work of removing the bobby pins and rubbed the sore spots of my scalped that they were pressed up against.
I looked over beside me and saw a sleeping Ben, his face facing towards the window and out of view. I didn't even feel him crawl into the bed the night before. My eyes traveled down his sleeping form, and I sighed to myself. My heart already hurt for him.
I pulled myself out of the bed and carefully walked to the bathroom, shutting the door lightly as to not to wake him. I looked at myself in the mirror and literally flinched at my reflection. The whole saying "looking like hell" didn't even come close to describing my appearance. There were black streaks down my cheeks from my running mascara, and my raccoon eyes dominated my face. My lips were chapped terribly, and my skin looked much paler than normal. I shrugged it off…at least I looked how I felt.
I ran the hot water of the shower and removed my dress and undergarments, stepping in to the cell of hot steam. I refused to let myself cry anymore; I didn't have the energy for it.
I took my time in the shower, allowing the scalding water to relax my tight muscles. The shampoo and conditioner worked its magic on my wild hair, and I scrubbed all the remains off of my face.
When I thought I couldn't remove another ounce of dirt, makeup, sweat, or tears…I lathered up and did it all again.
By the time I got out of the shower, I was in a rush to get ready. We were meeting everyone for breakfast at 9am, before Rose and Emmett left for their honeymoon. I silently wondered whether Edward would be at breakfast or not…even Ben, for that matter. I really needed to talk to both of them.
I walked out into the room draped in my towel, and Ben was up and watching some sports channel. He looked up when I entered but refocused his attention back to the TV.
"The shower is open if you need it."
"Okay, thanks, babe," he answered mundanely, as if he didn't have another care in the world.
I didn't elaborate, not really wanting to have that conversation with him right then, and continued getting dressed. I chose a simple pair of jeans and tank top, matched with sandals and a light blue, quarter length cardigan. Ben eventually left the spot in front of the TV and hopped in the shower. I used that time to blow dry my hair and apply my simple amounts of makeup.
"You look beautiful," he said as he stepped out of the bathroom.
I smiled and glanced at his half naked form before looking away. "Thanks."
"Just give me a minute to get dressed, and I'll be ready. Are you all packed?"
I nodded, picking up my book and sitting on the bed. He got dressed relatively quickly, and we made it down to the breakfast bar just about the same time as everyone else. I knew I was avoiding the elephant in the room, but really, someone else needed to be there when we talked.
Rosalie and Emmett were quite literally glowing as they came into the breakfast area, and they were greeted with a round of applause and a few whistles. As they stepped out of the doorway to go wait in line at the buffet, I saw him, standing there, searching the room…until his eyes found mine, and he stopped. A smile lit his face, and he completely bypassed the food to come sit down next to me.
"Good morning," he greeted. "Is this seat taken?"
I shook my head but focused my attention back on my blueberry muffin.
"Did you get your coffee yet? I can go get you some, I need some myself."
I swallowed my big bite and answered him, "Uh, they're already on their way."
"They're?" he questioned.
"Um, yeah. I ordered for you, too…I just kind of inferred…" I looked away, embarrassed, but Edward just beamed from beside me.
"That's wonderful, thank you, Bella."
I hummed in response.
Alice and Jasper tried desperately to try and make breakfast as not awkward as possible; even Esme and Carlisle picked up on the tension and tried to defer it. But really…it was inevitable. I kept quiet, picking at my muffin, and for the most part ignored everybody. When things were wrapping up, we all said our goodbyes to the newlyweds, and they left right before everyone else.
"Uh, Bella, do you think we could talk?" Edward asked, whispering in my ear. I felt Ben go stiff next to me, and I sighed heavily.
"Um, I actually need to speak with both of you guys."
"Me too?" Ben asked surprised.
"Yeah…do you think we can go out to the back gardens or something…somewhere private?"
"Sure!" Edward agreed a little too excitedly. I took another deep breath, preparing myself. Alice gave me a wink before I headed out, and I desperately prayed that this conversation would end okay. We headed out to the back of the hotel, and we all took separate seats once we got outside.
Edward placed his elbows on his knees and looked at me, while Ben rested his back against the back of the chair and his hands gripped the arm supports.
"Bella?" Ben began. "What's going on?"
I looked back and forth between the two of them and finally focused my eyes on Ben.
"Ben, I haven't been honest with you about who Edward is."
He took a deep, steadying breath. "Okay…"
"Edward and I…we did go to high school together, but when I came back for our ten year reunion, let's just say that we…reunited." I spared Edward a glance and saw a smirk dancing on his lips. "Anyways, Edward was my dad's doctor, and over time, he and I developed a romantic relationship."
I heard Edward scoff and my head snapped towards him. "It was more than that, Bella," he reprimanded.
"Alright, so you guys dated, got it," Ben said angrily.
"But we broke up…years ago…"
Edward made a grunting noise again.
"Really," I said to him, "stop with that."
He rolled his eyes but kept his mouth shut.
"And I should have told you that…a long time ago, and I'm sorry. Last night was the first time I've seen him since we ended things, and it really took me off guard.
"But his return, his homecoming, really opened my eyes to a lot of things."
I looked at them both, and they both looked fear stricken.
"Edward, what we had was amazing…life changing. I loved you so much, and you helped me get through the hardest time in my life. But you cannot just walk back in here and ask for me back. It's not fair. I know you came back to me, Edward, but it's been years. I thought you were gone…and I allowed myself to move on. But seeing you yesterday, it brought back the floodgates of memories…the feelings. You completely consume me, Edward, you always have. But consumption isn't healthy, and you just walking back in, telling me you love me is not enough. Our relationship back then was screwed up, based on lies and trying to fill holes that we couldn't fill with each other. We can't go back to where we were…and honestly, right now, I don't know if you're even good for me. Like I said last night, I don't even know you anymore."
He tried to speak up and protest, but I stopped him. "Please, let me finish."
"Ben," I said, turning to look at him. "You have been so good to me. You have treated me with nothing but love and respect. You have provided for me and allowed me to bunker in a safe hole with you. But I don't want to settle for a relationship that's just safe. I do love you, but after seeing Edward yesterday, remembering how much I am capable of loving someone, I just don't love you enough to keep going with this. It's not fair to you. You deserve someone who will give you their whole heart, and I haven't been. I'm really sorry for all of this…I know this isn't what you were expecting flying out here, hell, it's not what I was expecting, but it will be better this way. Our contract on the apartment is still void-able since we just signed it, and I'll back out of my end and you can keep the place. I sincerely hope that you find someone to love you as much as I love Edward."
I looked back over that the bronze haired man. "I love you…but this can't work right now. Things with you have always been complicated, and you say you spent the past three years figuring yourself out? Making yourself good enough for me? It's hard to trust that, Edward. It's practically impossible to wrap my head around that. Trust is something so important in a relationship, and right now, I don't trust you. And in all reality, I still have things that I need to take care of."
I stood up, raking my hands through my hair, and taking a deep breath. "I'm really sorry."
I left both of them sitting out on the balcony, and I made my way up to my room and grabbed my bag, leaving the key on the dresser for Ben to check out. The hotel room was already paid for on my credit card, so I didn't have to worry about him paying for anything. I said a quick goodbye to the rest of the Cullen's and hopped in a cab, heading for the airport.
Leaving this time was a lot different than the last time around. This time I wasn't running away. I wasn't leaving because I felt betrayed, or hurt, or unloved. I was leaving because it was the right thing to do. I was ready to start living, not in the past, and not settling for something safe…but this time, living my life that deserved to be lived.
I was surprised that I got a plane connection so easily, but the airport was very helpful when I changed my flight.
I wasn't headed back to New York quite yet…
There was someone in Washington that I needed to see first.
End Notes:
Put your guns down, and back away slowly!
You want E&B to have a happy ending? Let them figure their shit out first, please. This was a big step.
And I know I said we would figure out the past two years for each of them and all that, but really, this happened instead, soo… next chapter? Maybe? I'm not making promises anymore…it will all come out, eventually.
And Bella isn't running away – she has made a healthy decision for her future. She understands that what she and Edward had back when wasn't healthy, and she has admitted that she still loves him, but she understands that if she sees any potential future with him, she needs to face some things first.
I wonder who she needs to go see….
Please review – promised teaser for all reviewers.
And go play on the forum on Twilighted. Just search my name or the title. I usually spill my guts out over there about the characters and chapters, answer questions, and post mini teasers. It's fun, come join us.
