-Chapter 29-
Confessions
The rain came slowly, just a light sprinkle as I ran down the street sidewalk. I took a right, going the opposite direction from my house.
I didn't hear Kyoya calling me anymore as I passed by a series of shops and businesses. The rain was coming down harder now and people were putting up their umbrellas and gathering under the shop canopies. I was certain I was getting many looks. I was in my uniform, running through the streets in pouring rain. Who wouldn't stare?
A flash of pain in my side made me stop just in front of a small park. This is what happens when you don't have gym class. The park was empty and I walked over to the swings. It didn't matter that I sat in a puddle, I was already wet.
I slowly moved my feet back in forth in the mud, my once perfectly polished shoes scuffed up and dull. I'm sure my uniform was ruined too. It doesn't really matter though. Nothing matters.
My wig landed with a splat in a large puddle when I pulled it off. All of my hair quickly fell out and it too was soon drenched, sticking to my back and face. Pushing off the ground quickly, I closed my eyes and while moving through the air I felt the wind and rain against my face. I could feel my hair tangle in the wind created by my swinging and the storm.
There was a flash of lightning above me, followed right after by thunder. I stuck my feet out quickly. They sank into the mud but did the job, and I as I pulled my shoes out of the gunk there was a squelching sound. I stopped and looked up at the sky. The rain was coming down in sheets and the he air was cold for this time of year. The water that seeped quickly into my clothes and splashed against my face was freezing. It was kind of ironic, the situation that is. To think that the rain I loved so much would be my only witness to the excruciating pain I was in. Why did it hurt so much though? Why was I here?
I was still crying. Even though the rain ran down my face, mixing in with my tears and washing away any traces of fear or sadness, it couldn't go any further than that. I could feel it inside. The pain that had been with me these past several months was back full force. I realized that it had never left me. It was just dormant, being kept back with walls of fake hope and happiness.
I was like a prison. Most walls are put up to keep everything out. My walls were up to hold everything in. The walls had fallen and crumbled though, making it impossible to put them back up. Everything was escaping. And it was painful.
"What's the matter with me?" My cracked whisper didn't make it through the thunder. I kept my grip on the chains of the swing and was barely aware of the stinging pain in my palms as I continued to look up to the stormy sky that was so dark and I couldn't make out the different shapes of clouds.
"Cailyn?" I didn't turn to whoever had called me. They weren't important. I wasn't important.
"Cailyn, are you alright?" A figure stepped in front of me.
I moved my head to get a better look at the man. I would know that voice anywhere though. Lightning flashed and I could see Tamaki's light hair.
"Why would you care?" I said softly. I didn't have any anger in me right now. To tell you the truth, I couldn't feel anything but pain.
Tamaki frowned and sighed, then sat down on the swing next to me. He didn't try to talk. He just sat there and watched me while we sat in the pouring rain.
I stared blankly ahead at a merry-go-round. Why were they called merry? As far as I could remember, merry-go-rounds always gave me headache. What was so cheerful about them?
"Cailyn?"
"Why am I here?" I asked, glancing over at Tamaki. My bangs were plastered to my face, shielding my eyes from his face. I didn't bother moving them.
"I'm not sure. I saw you run away-"
"Why am I here?" I repeated looking away from him and back to the merry-go-round. It was creaking like an old door as it slowly spun in a circle. "I should be dead."
"What do you mean?" Tamaki sounded startled, but he was trying to keep his voice comforting. He was good at that. He was good at making people feel better.
But I was far from being comforted.
"They're all gone." I murmured. Lightning lit up the sky and the ground below it. "They're all gone. So, why am I still here?"
"Who's gone?" Tamaki asked softly.
"Everyone," I looked back at him. "Everyone's gone. Everyone but me."
Tamaki didn't bother asking any questions.
"I was one of the few that survived. I wasn't awake through the whole thing though." This was the first time I was talking about that day. Why was I talking to Tamaki? I guess it was because I considered him to be my best friend. He had always been by my side. Him, and Kaoru, the Host Club, and… Kyoya.
"It was a perfect day. I used to love sunny days because they were so warm and refreshing. Everything was so pleasant. It was like nothing could go wrong." I shuddered and it wasn't because of the cold. "I couldn't do anything but sit there until I fell unconscious. It was so quick. I didn't have any time to look at Caven. Maybe that's a good thing though." I mumbled, trying not to think of the images that must have been my brother.
Tamaki was silent as we sat in the creaking swings that were too small for either of us high schoolers. He slowly stood up and the swing rocked from the motion. He took a few steps then kneeled in front of me, "Cailyn?"
"You know," I looked up to his face and smiled. "I was wondering what I was running from earlier. Turns out it wasn't Kyoya, or Hikaru, or my past. It was me. I was running from my feelings. I've always been running from me."
Tamaki didn't say anything and continued to crouch in front of me while I spoke, mainly to myself.
"When I heard what Kyoya said to Hikaru, I realized something." I looked up to his face. I trusted Tamaki. I always had. "I love Kyoya." I told him smiling. "I don't know when or how it happened, but somehow in the process of starting over, I fell for him."
I knew it was true, what I just said. There was no point in hiding from it. I didn't want to hide from it. Actually, part of me did. Part of me wanted to shy away from this feeling because I now knew it could never happen, me and him. All I would get is pain. I don't want any more pain.
I stood up from the swing and looked down at Tamaki whose face was a small mixture of surprise and concern. "I want to thank you. It was because of you and the Host Club that I was able to find new life here. It's also because of you guys that I'm going to have to start over again."
Tamaki stood up from the wet ground that had left mud splashed across his pants to look at me. "What do you mean?" He said seriously.
I smiled and took a step forward, wrapping my arms around his lean frame and giving a slight squeeze. "I don't know. I guess we'll find out shortly." I let my arms drop then turned around and walked away.
I walked away from Tamaki,
from the Host Club,
from my life.
...
I boy I knew killed himself today.
I guess you never really notice how people you don't even know very well can have an effect on your life. I didn't know him very well, we in the same elementary classes and he sat next to me in French this year. I didn't even really notice when he was missing in class today.
I cried my eyes out after my basketball game though, when I found out.
Stuff like this makes me wonder if I could have done something, anything. But it wasn't something that I expected to happen. Not to him, and not now.
I would just like to ask that you keep him and his family in your prayers. Thank you.
It's kind of sad that the day this happens I post this chapter.
