Fighting to Survive Chapter 29

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Elliot didn't want to, but returned to Olivia's apartment. He trusted Grace would let him know when he could see Olivia, didn't stop him from trying her cell every few hours. Grace always answered him with the same patient tone, same frustrating words. She then suggested he work out, expel some of his frustrations, couldn't hurt. Could only help. Elliot agreed as he hung up, then let himself fall into the cushions of Olivia's couch. He fought to keep his mind off how she struggled to sleep right here on her couch, in her home. How she lost it and there was nothing he could do. How she fell broken to the floor and how there was still nothing he could do.

Grace couldn't have known, but Elliot had worked out. He spent the better part of the day in the gym at the precinct. He had no business even being on the premises, but it was Cragen who had a huge hand in whatever amenities he was afforded courtesy of the NYPD. Cragen was more than just a captain and Elliot was more than just his detective. And Olivia was more than just his partner. What had he done? Why did he shut her out like he did? She should hate him. Maybe she did.

"El, please talk to me. I'm here for you. Will always be here for you." Elliot listened to her message that he had kept on his phone. He had erased all the others, yet felt compelled to keep that one. He hadn't heard it since he originally received it and her words made his lungs feel like they were imploding within his chest.

She had wanted to be there for him. Of course she did. She was Olivia Benson. She had her hands full of blood that day as well, she could've easily been killed that day herself. Instead she tried frantically to save Sister Peg who had been gunned down just a few inches from where she stood. A little girl, that Olivia had helped, who trusted all of them to help, had lost it right there in their squad room. A little girl who would've shot Olivia despite how Liv cared about her. Elliot wondered how Olivia coped with that tragic day. He wondered because he didn't know. How could he know, he wouldn't talk to her, return her calls or check on her at all. He wondered if she bothered to try to call him the night she was attacked. He was told she called 911 as Detective Olivia Benson, had asked for Alex, but not for him. He had no missed calls from her, not that night. She knew he wouldn't answer, why would he? He had abandoned the only person that understood him completely.

Elliot sat up as he replayed her message. Hoping maybe he had missed something in her words by laying down, but knowing he would have heard the hurt in her voice regardless of his position. He set the phone down next to him on the couch and let his head fall into his hands. The guilt, anger and shame all came together at once as he watched his hands slam down onto Olivia's glass coffee table. He watched the shattered glass as it collected on the floor at his feet. The noise was deafening but only for a second as the quiet that followed forced him to take a breath. He was shaking, violently, and it was all he could do to force the air deep into his lungs. Slowly the rage receded, his heartbeat slowed and his fists opened. There wasn't too much blood, just enough to make Elliot glad that she had killed him. He only hoped that Richard Morris was conscious to see what he had coming. Elliot pulled his bloody hands up to his head. Alex said he wasn't. Alex had told Elliot that Richard was unconscious when Olivia had shot him in the head. He was unconscious because somehow Olivia had managed to hit him hard enough to knock him out. She still had fight in her then, somehow. Even after suffering God only knows how many minutes of brutal, soul-destroying hell, Olivia still fought.

Elliot stared at his phone as it taunted him. The sound of an incoming call was almost lost due to the volume of his thoughts. He answered in an all too familiar way, familiar sometimes so very necessary.

"Stabler."

It was a short call, but one that made his heart skip more than once. Olivia was awake and had asked for him specifically. He was told to come quickly as her doctors would probably refuse him later. He felt the hair on his face and wondered if he should shave. Grace had suggested he shave. It would've taken too long and Elliot didn't want to risk not being able to see Olivia. He washed his hands, poured straight alcohol over the cuts. The burning felt good, made him breathe as he tolerated the pain.

There was a specific feel as Grace presented her identification badge to the officer that stood outside Sara Esteban's room. She entered the young woman's room wondering how long she would have such access. She fielded Sara's glare before watching as the young woman turned away.

"Hi, Sara? I'm Graced Ann Mills. Can we talk a bit?" Grace made no move from where she had first entered the room. Sara needed to have some sort of control right now if she were to talk to her and Grace knew the importance of the unspoken words right off the bat. "It's up to you."

"I have nothing to say." Sara still refused to look Grace's way, her words mumbled at best.

"Okay. Do you mind if I let you know about Olivia?" Grace was patient as she watched the young woman fight the curiosity when Olivia's name was mentioned.

"I don't care." Grace took a few steps further from Sara's view and stood silently still until Sara continued. "She die or something?"

"No. She's fighting right now. Sara, will you look at me?"

It took a few moments, but Sara did finally shift her position so that she could see Grace, all of her. Grace had seen the tapes, she had watched the attack on Olivia and that of Sara. She knew how Sara fought for Olivia and how Olivia had prepared to give her life for Sara. The look in Sara's eyes was just as Stabler had described.

"I already talked to those other cops. I killed that guard, it wasn't Olivia."

"I know. I'm not here to bother you about what happened during the riot." Grace took a few steps closer to Sara, pleased that she didn't turn away. "I need your help, Sara. Olivia needs your help."

Sara's eyes narrowed as she searched Grace's. It pulled at Grace's heart as she allowed her to search her for the truth in her words. Even at such a young age, this girl was an avid reader of intentions. It was a protective strategy and Grace could appreciate it. "I can't help her."

Grace pulled up a chair so that she was closer to Sara. "What if I told you that you could?"

"Are you a lawyer?" Sara's voice was softening with every sentence and Grace knew it was up to her now to hang onto what Sara was giving.

"No. I help defense lawyers get their clients ready for trial. Help decide if they should even go to trial. Sometimes, it's better that they don't."

"Like me. I'm gonna get charged with killing that cop. No sense going to trial for that." Sara had an edge to her that appealed to Grace. She could feel that there was indeed still hope for this child that the system had failed years ago.

"Sara, you may not. There's plenty of proof that shows that you acted in defense of another inmate. With a strong defense, you may escape that charge." Grace watched as Sara processed what was being said to her.

"I'm an inmate, myself. Nobody's going to go to bat for me. It's okay, I got life already." Sara then did turn away causing Grace to reach for her arm, gently encouraging her to turn back.

"I will go to bat for you. I will find a way to help you, Sara. You just got to want it." Grace believed in what she was saying and it seemed as though Sara was receptive to her gently pleading.

"How does any of that help Olivia?" Sara searched Grace's eyes, reading her every move and expression.

"Olivia remembered you, Sara. She remembered you from when you were a kid. She asked that I find a way to help you." Grace waited for her words to register. "She knew what she was doing in that prison when she stopped the attack on you. My guess is she knew she would die then at the hands of the guards, but she didn't turn her back on you."

Sara stared Grace down, knowing there was more, but hesitating to ask.

"Olivia is struggling right now. She was brutally raped, Sara and killed her attacker. Her status as a NYPD detective and the way in which she stopped her attacker would've been scrutinized to the point of her going away for life if she lost her argument. Her lawyer opted to not go to trial for fear of losing her to a life sentence. She instead got approximately two years." Grace watched as Sara eyes hardened.

"Why wouldn't they fight for her. She didn't belong in prison. I recognized her right away, but they didn't know she was a cop. They would've though, eventually." Sara's words were rushed and the fact that she was coming to life encouraged Grace.

"Sara, Olivia has stopped fighting. I believe that no matter how bad she gets, she will not stop fighting for you. There was a bond that you shared with her as a child and now there is a bond that will always tie you to her and her to you. Understand?"

Sara slowly shook her head. "I don't know what I can do?"

"Olivia needs a reason to fight. If she knows you need her she will fight to help you. She will have to fight for herself to be able to do that. Am I making sense to you, Sara?"

"Yes, ma'am." Sara rolled over onto her back letting her eyes scan the ceiling. "Tell me what to do. Tell me what you want me to do."

"I am going to get you a lawyer. Somebody that will care about you and what you've been through. This lawyer will fight to get you out of the murder charge. I am willing to believe he will fight to get you out of Taconic at the very least." Grace watched as Sara closed her eyes, refusing to let the tears that had formed fall. "That's where Olivia comes in. You fighting for yourself, will make her fight for herself. Listen to what I'm saying to you."

Grace sat back in her chair, willing to spend as long as it took to get Sara to fully understand what she was asking of her. "Can I see her? Can I talk to her?"

"I'm sure in time, we can make that happen. Olivia is at Bellevue right now, sedated. She's got a long road to recovery ahead of her. Her body will heal, as will yours, but it's her mind that I'm concerned with. Her will." Grace let her hand take hold of Sara's, pleased that the younger woman allowed the contact.

"Do you really think they will move me out of Taconic?" Sara showed glimpses of hope and that alone made Grace smile.

"I think we can fight for at the very last a medium level prison. A little less violence, a little more freedom." Grace's smile forced Sara to offer one of her one. "You said Olivia didn't deserve to be in prison, well, Sara, neither do you."

Grace stood then, letting Sara hang onto her hand until she was ready to release it. "Will you let me know how she is doing?"

"I will. I will Sara. I will be in touch." Grace had to force herself to walk away, not wanting to leave Sara in the hands of the system. She could only to do so much and that was truly the hardest part of her job.

Elliot made his way to the nurse's station and announced who he was. It was only a matter of a few seconds before he was being escorted to Olivia's room. He couldn't get enough air into his lungs all of the sudden and couldn't help but feel relieved when the nurse asked him to wait outside for just a moment while she disappeared into Olivia's room. He looked around wondering if they were allowing something they shouldn't.

There were no words as the door opened and Elliot was motioned in. He was directed to a chair that was seemingly brought in specifically for this visit. The nurse patted his arm before leaving him alone with Olivia who hadn't seemed to notice his presence as he stood just a few feet from her bedside. Her eyes were closed and he struggled with whether or not to announce to her he was there. The decision to sit and wait was made and Elliot found it hard to look at his partner. Shame, guilt, fear. Elliot recognized them all as he worked to wipe the dried blood from his hands.

"What happened?" He looked up at her words, realizing she had never opened her eyes, yet knew he was there. Of course she knew he was there.

"Your coffee table fell...I, uh, tried to catch it." Elliot's focus was on that table and he wondered if she even really liked it. He hoped she didn't, because she no longer had it.

"El?" The pleading in her voice made Elliot's legs shake as they forced him to stand. He was suddenly reaching for her hand, alarmed at how cold it was.

"I'm here, Liv."

"Okay." Olivia had yet to open her eyes and her breathing slowed. Elliot watched her face carefully, not sure where she was as far as her consciousness. He let her fingers slowly trace his own, realizing how important this contact was for him. Hoping it was just as comforting for her.

The ugly bruising had since faded, leaving only slight reminders of how bad a beating she had taken at the hands of the prison guards. Elliot knew the bruising delivered by Richard Morris was gone as well, but the scars would remain with Olivia forever. Grace knew what she needed and made sure she got it. Olivia already looked so much better, if only she would look at him.

"Sara Johannson." Olivia opened her eyes, moving her head so that Elliot was in her full view.

"She goes by Esteban now, but yeah Liv, it's her." Elliot knew Olivia would remember her.

Olivia fought to keep her eyes open and when they closed she quickly grew agitated.

"Relax, Olivia." Elliot let his fingers skim her cheek. He used to calm his babies that way and was only slightly surprised when it worked on Olivia as well. "They'll throw me out if you get upset."

Elliot smiled when Olivia attempted one. It was obvious to him that she was still in a fair amount of pain and although the pain medication was helping it frustrated her to be so out of it. She kept her eyes closed, but let her hand move to his face. He held still while she ran her fingers over his face, and for a brief moment he wished this moment would never end.

"It's nice."

"Should I leave it?" Elliot kept his eyes closed to her touch. Olivia didn't answer. She didn't have to.

Elliot let his partner touch him. She was still his partner, it didn't matter what their titles were or weren't at this point. The silence spoke volumes to both of them in that moment and neither chose to disrupt it. Elliot opened his eyes when Olivia's fingers stopped moving. She was out again and that was okay.

Elliot jumped slightly when the nurse laid her hand on his shoulder. He hadn't heard her enter, he couldn't hear anything over the soft, breathing of his partner. He looked up at the older lady, his eyes asking for just a little more time. He tried to smile at the nurse as she answered in the same manner.

"How long has he been in there?" Grace had made it back to Bellevue as soon as she could knowing when Elliot was going to be called.

"Not very long. She was only awake for a few minutes." the nurse smiled at Grace, knowing she would soon go in and ask Elliot to leave. "She knew he was there. She woke up as soon as he entered the room."

"Of course, she knew. Partners share a strong bond. These two were partners for a long time." Grace watched Elliot through the window in the door.

"He really should be going now." Grace reached out and caught the nurse's arm.

"Just a few more minutes. They both need this." Grace's voice caught as she spoke and if the nurse caught it she didn't let on.

Grace took a seat in the waiting room knowing Elliot would have to pass her when he left. Things were beginning to come together. She began to work her strategy out in her head as to how to get Trevor Langan to help Sara. Maybe Alex Cabot would have better success at convincing him to take the seemingly hopeless case. No, she promised Sara she would help her. She promises Olivia she would help Sara. What's the worse Langan could do, fire her? Too late for her, but there was still a chance for Sara.

Elliot strolled out into the waiting room where he was not surprised at all to see Grace. He stood, waiting for Grace to stand as well. "Thank you."

Grace's smile said all Elliot needed to hear as he stepped around the tall blond and headed out into the parking lot. Rain. Rain again. He took his time walking to his car, letting the cool rain water soak him through his clothes. It was obvious right away to Elliot that Olivia had not called for him. She hadn't woken up until he was there. How did Grace always seem to know what both he and Olivia needed.

Elliot looked up, closing his eyes as the raindrops assaulted his face. She knew because she was an angel. Grace Ann Mills was amazing and even referring to her as Amazing Grace wasn't enough to describe this woman. She was simply an angel and Elliot accepted that as he thanked God for her.

Olivia liked his beard. She rarely got to see him with it over the years. Clean cut and shaven, professional attire. Detectives rarely got to go unkept. He would keep it until she told him to lose it. He headed back to her apartment to clean up the glass from her coffee table. He wondered if she even heard him tell her that it broke. He wondered if she even cared.