SCENE 28: MARIUS AND COSETTEIn Which Marius Epic Fails Yet Again and Valjean Finally gets a Vacation
COSETTE:
(traipses in, humming to herself)
Oh, Marius!
MARIUS:
(forgetting the fact that, yes, all of his friends are still DEAD)
Oh, Cosette!
…But why are you at the ABC Café?
COSETTE:
I- um, that's a good question.
STAGE:
(turns into… somewhere that is not the ABC Café… I don't know where they actually are right now)
COSETTE:
That's better!
EVERY DAY
YOU WALK WITH STRONGER STEP
YOU WALK WITH LONGER STEP
THE WORST IS OVER!
MARIUS:
EVERY DAY
I WONDER EVERY DAY
WHO WAS IT BROUGHT ME BACK
FROM THE BARRICADE?
COSETTE:
Marius. Honestly. No one really cares.
More about us!
…FOR WE WILL BE TOGETHER,
EVERY DAY!
EVERY DAY…
WE'LL REMEMBER THAT NIGHT
AND THE VOW THAT WE MADE:
'A HEART FULL OF LOVE
A NIGHT FULL OF YOU'
(whispers)
C'mon, Marius… join in whenever…
THE WORDS ARE OLD
BUT ALWAYS TRUE
(whispers some more)
Am I going to, like, sing this whole freakin' song myself?
OH, GOD, FOR SHAME
YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW MY NAME!
MARIUS:
DEAR MAD'MOISELLE
I WAS LOST IN YOUR SPELL…
COSETTE:
…A HEART FULL OF LOVE!
JEAN VALJEAN aka MAJOR CREEPER:
SHE WAS NEVER MINE TO KEEP…
AUDIENCE MEMBER #33 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:
Oh, not this song again!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #34 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:
This show is boring!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #33 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:
Where's the green frog? Where's the singing pig? Where's the bear that tells the bad jokes?
I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
Wait a minute, aren't you the two hecklers from The Muppet Show?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #34 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:
That's what we thought! But do those fools on stage look like muppets to you?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
You guys are in the wrong theater.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #33 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:
I- oh. Well, that would explain it.
VALJEAN:
Cosette, it's time for you to leave now.
COSETTE:
Ok!
(skips off)
Tra la la la la…
MARIUS:
Oh, gosh! This is so exciting. I can call you dad, and we can do all the things together that my father never did with me, like go ice skating, and eat cookie dough, and hold hands, and-
VALJEAN:
(turning all creepy and scary)
MARIUS!!!!
MARIUS:
…eep!
VALJEAN:
It's story time.
Now, once upon a time, their lived a criminal named Jean Valjean who stole some bread. Then he was put in jail for a reallllly long time, and then became mayor! Then he basically stole a kid named Cosette, and moved to this town and raised her here.
So WHO AM I??
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
Oh not again.
THE JEOPARDY THEME SONG:
(starts playing)
MARIUS:
Uh…
VALJEAN:
WHO AM I??
MARIUS:
Hm.
VALJEAN:
…WHO AM I??
MARIUS:
(clutching is head)
AH! This is too hard!!
VALJEAN:
Marius. C'mon. It's actually not.
MARIUS:
Are you… are you… are you Jean Valjean?
ALEX TREBEK:
Ding ding ding!
We have a winner!
(leaves)
VALJEAN:
So basically what I'm trying to say here is that I have to leave, and I want you to make up some random excuse to Cosette on why I can't come to her wedding.
MARIUS:
What am I supposed to say??
VALJEAN:
I don't know; use your imagination!
MARIUS:
Ok. Got it.
VALJEAN:
See ya kid! I've got a plane to Calais to catch!
