[A/N: My list of songs grows thin. SEND ME SOME.]
I continued my conversation with Remus after Draco found Mira's bottles exactly where Kassia had left them in the icebox.
"That's so like the two of you to want to be surprised. I'm not sure I could stand it," I said. "But if you had to choose, boy or girl?"
"Boy, definitely," Remus said.
"Why?" I asked.
"I already have to deal with you and Kaitlin. I'm not sure I could handle a third girl," he said. "Plus she'll be related to Tonks. All the genetic material for a disaster would be there."
"Yeah, I definitely understand it," I said. "Good luck with that."
The kitchen swung open and, to my surprise Tonks waddled inside and went right up to Remus.
"Sweetheart, this morning I left a piece of cake in the fridge with a note on it that said 'Do not eat me' and when I got back from seeing my mum the cake was gone and on the plate there was a note that said 'I don't take orders from cake'. Did you eat it or was it Sirius? And I promise I won't be mad if it was you," she said.
"Hello, Tonks," I said.
"Hello, Hannah," she said turning to me briefly and then back to Remus.
I glanced over at Remus and he glanced back at me. Then Tonks turned to me and smiled.
"Hannah!" she said hugging me. "Oh, Hannah! I can't believe you're here! I've missed you so much!"
"I've missed you too," I replied hugging her back. "You've gotten bigger since the last time I saw you."
"Haven't I just exploded? I'm like a manatee. If I had a galleon for every time someone has asked us if we're having twins I could pay to put this little one through Hogwarts," she said. "Alas, I must deal with people being rude without the satisfaction on monetary gain."
"Rubbish," I replied.
"Indeed," she said. "Anyway, how've you been?"
"Oh, you know, I've been wandering around in the forest aimlessly since October. Got attacked by a snake on Christmas Eve after visiting my parents' graves. Almost drowned in January. Got attacked by Snatchers two weeks later at Luna's house. Been pretty quiet up until today," I said.
"How did you end up at Malfoy Manor in the first place?" Remus asked.
"Ah, yes. We were listening to you all on Potterwatch. Harry got so enthralled by the conversations that he just let You-Know-Losers name slip out his mouth. Greyback and Fitzpatrick were the ones who brought us in. Then the Malfoys were there of course. And Lestrange too. She had the nerve to torture Hermione. I take solace in knowing that You-Know-Who's favorite lady is probably getting taken down a peg or two for letting us escape," I said.
"And that's a bit more kindness than even she deserves," Tonks said.
I nodded. "I know about what happened. . . With your dad. . . That's horrible."
"I try not to think about it. Mostly because it makes me so angry. I've honestly never had the desire to actually kill another person until that day," she said. "But I've restrained myself because it's probably not healthy for a woman who's eight months pregnant commit murder."
"I can see how murder would probably be unhealthy," I said.
"Obviously," Tonks said. "I really do miss my dad, but I also know that. . . Well, we all join the 'Dead Parents Club' one way or another."
"But not like that. It just wasn't fair," I said.
"You of all people should know that it's not always fair the way people are taken from us," she said.
True. I'd never even gotten the chance to get to know my parents. Tonks probably knew more about how my parents were when they were alive than I did.
"I'm still sorry," I said.
She shook her head. "You've got nothing to be sorry about except for staying gone so long." She hugged me again. "Besides, I've still got mum and Sirius, Remus, and you of course. I think it's better I count my blessings for now. I can be mournful later."
The kitchen door opened and Harry walked in.
"Tonks, I can't believe you walked right past us like that," Harry said. "And upset about cake no less."
"If only you understood how tasty this cake was," she replied.
Harry came over and hugged her.
"I missed you," he said.
"I am rather missable aren't I?" she said.
Harry then looked to Remus.
"No hard feelings about last time?" Harry asked.
"None at all," he replied.
"Excellent," Harry said. "Now, Hannah, Ginny wants to talk to you."
"Ginny?" I asked. "You actually spoke to her?"
"Don't be silly. Hermione's woken up and after she and Ron finished playing that fame where they act like a couple but totally aren't a couple," Harry started, rolling his eyes, "Ginny told Hermione and I 'overheard'."
"Passing notes through Hermione again?" I asked.
"Ginny and I are making more of an effort than you are with Draco," Harry said. "Speaking of which, she wants to talk to you before you talk to him."
"That's an odd request," I said.
"It isn't if something happened between them and she wants you to hear it from her and not from Draco," Harry said.
"That's the last thing I want to hear about," I said. "Because that would mean they both lied to us."
"Not like we were really in the appropriate situation for confessions, Hannah," Harry said. "Go and talk to her."
I sighed. "Fine."
888
"So it wasn't like an actual kiss. We weren't, like, legitimately making out. It was just so we could both avoid detention," Ginny said.
I had my face buried into my knees as Ginny recounted the tale of the one and only time anything ever happened between her and Draco. As innocent as the incident was, it still turned my stomach.
"Are you angry?" she asked.
"No. I feel ill though," I said.
"Because of me or because of him or because of me?" Ginny asked.
I sat up and looked at her.
"Him. . . Not because he kissed you specifically, but because he kissed anyone else at all. And even though I'm infuriated with him and could hit him in the face. . . I still can't stand to see him with someone else. I must be crazy," I said.
"You're not crazy. It's love," Tonks said coming outside to the front steps where Ginny and I sat.
"Eavesdropper," I said.
"Says the girl who pretended to play 'extreme wizard in a barrel' to listen in on an Order meeting two years ago," she said.
"Touché," I replied.
"But you're not crazy. You just love Draco. And if I have learned anything from personal experience and Avenue Q it's that the more you love someone, the more you want to kill them," she said.
"I believe it," I said.
Ginny shrugged. "Don't think I've ever been in love."
"Not even with Harry?" I asked.
"I dunno. I know I really like Harry and sometimes when I'm around him I want to vomit, but in a good way, but it's hard to really decide if wanting to vomit constitutes love," Ginny said.
"Well if it is, then it probably doesn't apply to you anyway," Tonks said.
"Yeah, my brother's perfect. That's the only reason you ever want to kill is because he's so fantastic all of the time," I said.
"I'm sorry you're related to him and don't have the opportunity to experience the perks of being his girlfriend," Ginny said.
"Don't really want to think about what it would be like," I said. "I like to keep my incestuous thoughts to a minimum of zero."
"Good. . . But have a talk with Draco," Ginny said.
"I don't want to. I'm still so angry," I said. "I'll probably just scream at him."
"You've got to start somewhere, Hannah. I'm sure he expects to be screamed at," Tonks said. "Although, you should avoid trying to throw a chair at him because apparently that's too bold an expression of your anger."
"I'm sure I could justify it. Remus didn't try to kill anyone after all," I said getting to my feet. "Where is that boy before I change my mind?"
"You're going to talk to him now?" Ginny asked.
"Why shouldn't I? I'm clearing the air with everyone else right now. And I do have to talk to him after all," I said.
"Way to show initiative, Hannah," Tonks said. "He's upstairs, first door on the left. Mira's with him."
"Oh, good. Motivation to for me not to get extremely angry," I said. I walked inside and went straight upstairs to where Draco was. He was lying Mira down in a crib. I stepped into the room closing the door behind me.
He looked up at me and stared for a moment as I went to stand on the opposite side of the crib. I looked down at Mira. I wanted nothing more than to pick her up and hold her in my arms and I would if not for the fear that she would wake. I didn't want to leave her ever again and yet I knew I would have to soon.
I looked up at Draco who was watching.
I grasped the bar of the crib tightly and took a deep breath.
"I didn't think you'd want to talk to me," he said.
"I don't," I said. "But I owe it to her to try."
Draco nodded understanding.
"Ginny told me you kissed her," I said. "I'm not angry."
There was a start. Find something he'd done that I wasn't angry about.
Draco took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say to that."
"You don't have to say anything. You've done enough haven't you?" I asked.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Hannah," he said.
"Why are yours so exponentially greater than everyone else's?" I asked. I could feel myself getting angry, the desire to scream at him was sitting in my throat. "What I really don't understand is how you could tell me you loved me and then just leave me like that. How could you just look me in the eye and run the other way?"
"I was scared," he said.
"I was scared too!" I said raising my voice. He hushed me and I huffed. Tears were stinging my eyes and my throat was getting tight. I wasn't going to be able to do this.
I buried my face in my hands and rested my elbows on the railing of the crib.
Draco sighed, obviously frustrated that this conversation was going nowhere and probably that he'd made me angry.
The door creaked open.
"How about you two take this outside? I'll keep an eye on her," I heard Harry say.
"Eavesdropping are you?" I asked looking up at him. Hermione and Kassia stood with him.
"For good reason obviously," Hermione said.
"This is obviously not a conversation built for indoors where there's a sleeping child," Kassia said. "Outside, both of you."
I looked to Draco and we both walked out of the room, downstairs, through the kitchen and out into the backyard.
We stood in silence for a moment, not looking at each other. The sky was dark now. The sun had set and there was naught above us but a blanket of stars and a few wisps of clouds.
"I was scared too," I finally said in little more than a whisper.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I hissed. "I hate when you say that. You're always sorry. Always. You can never get anything right the first time can you?"
"I'm sorry I can't be perfect, Hannah," he said. "I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations of me."
"You didn't have to be perfect, Draco," I said. "I loved you even after I found out you were a death eater. I stayed with you even after I found out you meant to murder someone. All I wanted from you for you to trust me and to stay with me and you couldn't even do something as simple as that!"
"You have to understand now why I couldn't tell you," he said.
"I understand why you didn't tell me," I said. "I just don't understand why you didn't trust after the fact. Why you still ran away after you'd been given a way out. After you found out that Dumbledore knew what you were up to all along."
"We can't all be courageous Gryffindors can we, Hannah?" he asked.
"Maybe I am braver than you, Draco, but I still needed you. I watched Snape, someone I've admired my entire life, kill the man who raised me in cold blood and then tell me he didn't care. Did it never occur to you while you stood there in that tower or out on the grounds that I might need you to help me get through that? Because I did. I needed you," I said. Now I was crying. Fully fledged tears and sobbing.
Draco shook his head. "I didn't think."
"Obviously not, because instead I had to spend my summer in Surrey, watching my brother go mad because his sister wouldn't stop crying and she wouldn't get out of bed and she wouldn't smile and she would barely speak. And I know I wouldn't have been so miserable if I'd had you," I said.
"How could I have made a difference if you were feeling so horrible after Dumbledore was murdered?" Draco asked.
"Because I know how to deal with having people taken from me. . . My whole life was built upon having someone taken from me before their time," I said wiping my face off. "But people don't run from me, Draco. People don't just leave me. I lost my parents. I lost Dumbledore. Snape betrayed me. . . And then you left me. . . You left me alone with a baby and bunch of broken promises and my entire life was in pieces."
Draco shook his head. "Real piece of work I am aren't I? A genuine piece of shit."
I nodded wiping more tears from my eyes.
"All I ever do is fuck up and apologize for it, but what good does that do me. It doesn't bring Dumbledore back. It doesn't make up for the fact that I wasn't there for you. It doesn't change the fact that because I'm an idiot you had to miss the first six months of your daughter's life," he said. "Sorry doesn't fix anything."
"It doesn't," I said. "Nothing is going to change."
Draco nodded and looked over to me. "I've really ruined things between us haven't I? There's no fixing us after this." He wasn't crying, but I could hear it in his voice that he wanted to. "This is the end of us isn't it?"
"Yes. . . I think it is," I said sobbing again. I looked down at my feet. I felt like I did back in June nearly a year ago when we'd ended things before. It was just hitting me now how over things really were between us.
"Hannah," he said.
"Yes?" I asked.
"I really do still love you," he said.
". . . I love you too," I replied. I wanted to tell him that things weren't ruined, that somehow we'd manage to work through all the awfulness that happened and come out on the other happy like we were before, but I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. Even if I somehow managed to get over all of it, what would be the point? I was still trying to kill Voldemort. I was still marked to die. Draco and I were a moot point. We were nothing but two teenagers who'd fallen in love, made bad decisions and were now paying for it.
Draco walked past me and went inside. It seemed insensitive to leave me standing there in Bill and Fleur's backyard crying like the heartbroken mess that I was, but what could he do? Any attempt to comfort me would just make things worse.
We were going to have to deal with being apart forever.
[Chapter title credit goes the musical Avenue Q for the song "The More You Ruv Someone"]
