The morning did not bring Kyoya any resolution to the raging war inside of him. The side that wanted to be near Haruhi and the side of him that wanted to stay away from people, for fear of hurting them, fought on and on.
That day Kyoya stayed in his room. His meals were brought to him and the maids worked around him. He sat atop an unmade bed without his glasses on, staring tiredly into the space in front of him. The images just wouldn't stop, but by that point Kyoya wasn't sure he wanted them to.
He needed constant reminding of what he was. Of the monster that was inside him.
'Yelling at Haurhi…. For hanging out with Hikaru? Why? Damnit why? I should have believed her….'
Guilt was an emotion that was somewhat new to Kyoya. His thoughts and feelings were presented with purpose and he never actually had remorse about anything he had done or said really, save a few bits a pieces over the years.
This was different than anything he had felt before, though. This guilt crawled up through his insides tearing into the deepest corners of his being.
There was a sound at the door. Kyoya's head turned to the noise. His eyes stared dully at the wooden barricade that shielded him from the outside world.
"Kyoya?" Her voice. The voice from the memory. The voice that stabbed his heart so deeply. He was sure this wound would never heal. And how would she ever forgive him? Had she? It was a memory... but it was still a fact. What he had done... It was irreversible.
"Just go." He answered weakly. His voice sounded foreign coming from his throat. Hoarse and quiet.
"What's wrong? Are you sick?" Even though her voice was muffled through the wooden door dividing them he could still hear the worry in her words.
"Just go!" He called again, louder, voice devoid of emotion. "Please..." He weakly whispered to the young girl. The girl he remembered opening the door to the abandoned music room. The girl he watched throughout high school... or what he remembered of it. The girl who was now a woman. And the woman he loved, yet hurt.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Kyoya didn't see the images. Just darkness. It was the first time since the memory.
Peace did not greet him. Self loathing met him breath for breath. He was not worthy. Not after the yelling. Not after the rage. Not after her fear.
Kyoya was not a man to cry. So, he did not. Those tears that slid down his cheeks the night before were not of his own volition. His subconscious produced the damp droplets that landed in a trail down his cheeks.
Suddenly the door swung open, Kyoya turned his head to the intruder. Despite his exhaustion, wasn't too much effort to shoot them a dark look.
"Woah there Kyoya. I knew there was a reason we called you the Low Blood Pressure Lord, but who woke you up early? Because you don't look too happy." A feather light voice carried over to Kyoya's ears.
"What do you want Tamaki?" Kyoya returned, ignoring the other man's question.
"What happened last night?" Tamaki plopped down on the bed. His blonde hair bounced once on his head, falling back down in thick yellow waves.
"None of your business." Kyoya retorted.
Tamaki's brows furrowed. "If it has to do with Haruhi then you need to tell me."
Anger flashed in Kyoya's black eyes. A flaming knife of jealousy slowly made its way down his heart, cutting it open. Kyoya clenched his teeth together tightly.
"She is none of your concern."
"Uh... I hate to break it to you, but she is. Haruhi is my little girl, Kyoya. And you are my Mommy. I have a right to know if my family has an issue." Tamaki's lips tipped up in a half smile, his sapphire eyes sliding over to Kyoya.
Kyoya knew that he used the high school nicknames of "Mommy" and "My little girl" to comfort him and cheer him up, but he hardly acknowledged the reference.
His mind was swamped with thoughts of the angry and jealous feelings that rushed through his body only moments before.
It was getting worse. Since when did he start caring about when Tamaki mentioned Haruhi?
He reached back down and gripped the black strands between his fingers, burying his eyes into the heel a of his palms.
"Just go." It was all he could think to say.
He heard a soft sigh come from the side of the large bed where Tamaki sat.
"I have a feeling I know what's going on, Kyoya. But I want to tell you what she told me last night.
"She told me that she had never felt so loved by you than she had in that moment. And because you don't remember, I'll go ahead and tell you. You loved her a lot. More than anyone thought was possible. You always made sure she knew it too. You didn't exactly scream it to the world, but I know you told her in private.
"You came to us, Kyoya. You may not have arranged the dinner, or picked the memory you wanted to recreate, but you did so much by asking for help. Then you took the date further. You weren't forcing the words. You were speaking from the heart, Kyoya.
"She said that you wanted to know things about her that were so minute in detail that she could tell how much you cared. Talking about things that reminded her of how you both talked on your first date. She said she wasn't even expecting you to say those words and when you did... to her it sounded like -and I quote- 'something straight from a fairy tale, the whole evening was breathtaking. It took me a moment to even register what he was saying'.
"Don't you see? You are her world now. And here you are. Screwing it up because of some stupid memory that has been left in the past as far as she is concerned."
Kyoya visibly flinched when Tamaki mentioned the memory. He knew... they all knew the monster lay in wait, ready to attack.
Pulling his hands from his face, Kyoya turned to face Tamaki. Soft eyes searched Kyoya's knowingly.
"That is it isn't it...? You remembered the darkest point in your relationship. I say darkest because there were several low points, but what happened that night was by far the worst."
Great.
So now he knew that more of these memories were coming, only to serve as further reminder of the demon that rested within.
As strong as he was in handling emotional turmoil, Kyoya knew that Haruhi was a weak spot in his defense system. During high school, Tamaki was the emotional one and Kyoya was the one to deal with him when some emotional fit overtook him. Ironically, Haruhi was the cause of many of those as well.
It was no secret that his friend had had feelings for Haruhi, but something happened to him to finally back off. One of these days Kyoya was sure it would come to him in some memory.
Tamaki's emotional fits never phased Kyoya, never bothered him. But now that the boot was on the other foot, Kyoya knew how Tamaki had felt.
"Tamaki, I don't feel inclined to talk to you about it at all." Kyoya told him dryly.
Another sigh.
"I think I'm right on this one. I am not going to restrain you and make you listen, but I will tell you this.
"She was upset. Very upset that day. Yet as the days passed and you hadn't been anywhere but work and holed up in your room, much like you are now, her hurt and anger became concern. She saw glimpses of you in the halls of the house. Depression radiated from your body as you slumped through the house.
"Haruhi understood. She knew that you didn't mean to blow up like that. Eventually you apologized for that night and even though things were a bit strained after that for some time you picked right back up from where you left off." Tamaki finished and sat in wait for Kyoya's response.
"How do you know all that?"
"Because she told me, silly! While your sanity had gone MIA on you, she came to me to talk and for comfort. She needed you then, just like she needs you now. You have a chance to make things right."
Another sigh, but this time it was Kyoya's breath that caused the faint noise. Inside Kyoya knew he wasn't ready to face her. He couldn't risk hurting her again, especially now, when he felt like a ticking time bomb.
He didn't know how to respond to Tamaki, so all he said was, "Just go." Disappointment crept into Tamaki's features; his easy smile turned into a frown; the light slowly filtered out of his blue eyes.
The tall, blonde headed man slowly rose from his perch on the side of the bed and made his way to the door. He reached for the handle, then paused and looked back. "I'm not going to tell Haruhi what is going on. I think that should be your job. And remember we leave tomorrow and I do believe you promised her a walk along the beach this evening."
Tamaki left the room and shut the door. Kyoya lifted his head and tilted it back. He let out an audible groan. He had forgotten his promise to Haruhi.
He had no idea what he was going to do, but breaking the promise to her was not an option.
He just wasn't sure how he would cope.
Another chapter! I feel very accomplished. Thank you for the reviews I got last chapter! I loved them all. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that if you have a question, suggestion, or anything then just shoot me a PM; I always respond. :) Well, until next chapter, goodbye!
On a random fact note- I typed the majority of this chapter while watching The Walking Dead. :3
xMoon
