Emergency

Edward had simply been in Calculus, minding his own business, when- well, maybe he wasn't quite minding his own business. What Edward was actually doing was seeing if in addition to mind reading he could also control people's minds He wasn't really bothering with the ethical questions raised by such behavior at this point, because, after all, it was still in it's infancy and that would take too much energy.

He felt like a slug. A big, bored, lazy and rather lonesome banana slug (much like the one he had accidentally stepped on this morning first thing after getting out of his car. It had taken ten minutes of wiping his shoe off in the grass to remove all traces.) having a lesson spewed on him that Edward had already been taught at least ten times and didn't make sense in the first place. Something involving imaginary numbers. Edward was not paying much attention because all the seniors had already taken their finals, and graduating standings had been announced a week ago. Frankly, he didn't even see why the man was bothering to waste his time- in his row alone three people had already given up the ghost and passed out.

Well, that and Bella was home sick today. Edward still wasn't sure quite how she had convinced him to come to school anyway. Thus the interest in mind control- because surely that was what Bella must have used, to get him to brave this hellhole without even the allure of surprise passing period make out sessions and her silent impression of Mr. Third Period whenever he turned his back to scribble something on the board. That, and it would be a vast improvement to the class atmosphere if he succeeded in making Mike suddenly drop what he was doing and start dancing on his desk.

Yes, Edward was feeling especially cynical today. There! His foot twitched! Progress!

But anyway. Edward was simply minding his own business when not trying to force unsuspecting dolts to embarrass themselves further when he got a text message from Alice. She never could be bothered to put them in anything but all caps.

EMERGENCY BELLA IN TROUBLE HAD VISION ON ATTENDANCE PROBATION SO I CANT GO

Bella's in trouble! I thought she just had a cold… but she is Bella. After contemplating for a moment on if he should get Carlisle on the way (just in case) and deciding against it, Edward leapt from his desk and immediately dashed to her unassuming house. Not one of his classmates even emerged from their stupor enough to acknowledge his departure.

Edward arrived not a moment too soon. Bella was lying on the couch wrapped in a knitted shawl and surrounded by mounds of snotty tissues, eyes frighteningly blank. He rushed to her side, shaking her gently (for him) and trying to get a response.

"Bella! Please, speak to me! SPEAK TO ME!" But when she didn't really make any sort of response, he lowered his mouth to hers, out of any other ideas.

She quietly groaned under the pressure of his lips, the soul gradually returning to her lovely brown eyes. Edward grinned victoriously, before putting some more vigor in his kiss. Eventually they drew apart again, and Bella moaned, holding her head. "Ugh…"

"You almost gave me a heart attack there!" Edward exclaimed, strangely out of character.

Bella groaned again. "That's what she said…"

Edward examined her critically for a moment, before he gasped. "You watched daytime television- didn't you? I warned you about that! That stuff is dangerous, even in small amounts!"

"I was desperate. It started out innocent enough, an Office marathon, but then I lost the TV changer, and Full House came on and, and… OH EDWARD IT WAS TERRIBLE!" Bella collapsed, sobbing into Edward's shoulder.

He rubbed her back in a soothing gesture. "Shhh, Bella, calm down. I'll buy you a TiVo tomorrow and we'll make sure this never happens again…"

A/N: You realize this is a joke- right? If not, someone, please, kill me now.

Inspired by my little brothers strange addiction to Full House. That shows frightens me. And the "That's what she said" comment? Michael from the Office's favorite line in response to ANYTHING.