AN: As always, thank you for all the lovely reviews! They make my day!
Let me know what you think about this chapter, please.
Kat
Tom
"I think we are done for today."
"Yes." Matthew looks as relieved as he feels. They work well together, but Matthew still has problems to concentrate, which is not a surprise and to him it is all still a bit a much. A few weeks ago he was the chauffeur, now he is responsible for what feels like the whole estate. But he is thankful to Sybil's father for giving him this opportunity. He knows the man did this because he wants Sybil to stay at Downton and Tom still doesn't know whether he wants this, he thinks he doesn't, but it is what Sybil wants right now and he'd do just about everything for her. He was more than a little surprised when Sybil told him to take her father up on his offer.
"But I thought you wanted to leave all of this behind?"
"I do, I think. But not as long as there is a war going on."
"But your father and Matthew returned safely."
"Yes. But the war isn't over and I am still needed here. So I'd like to stay. Please Tom, try to understand." She looked at him with such loving eyes then that he couldn't resist. And he does understand. He wants to go it Ireland to help, she wants to be at Downton to help. One of them had to give in to the other. But she promised they'd go to Ireland after the war so he gave in to her for the time being.
"And Tom, if you help Papa now, you'll be in his good books. And that is what I want. I don't want to rip the family apart. I want our children to know my parents." That he understood too. There was a time when this would have been a deal breaker for him, but he saw Sybil suffer when she had no idea where her father was and it broke his heart to see her suffer so much. That was when he realized that Sybil really does not want to break with her family, that she wants the family to accept her choice. And if he is honest with himself, then he knows that he wants his mother to accept Sybil just as much as she wants her parents to accept him. And while this is not the ideal way to go in his opinion, it is a very good way to go. And he genuinely likes Matthew, who has turned into a friend and he is helping Matthew cope with his fate. Mary told him so a few days ago. She took him aside and said "Thank you Tom, so much, for helping Matthew. He doesn't feel useless anymore and he has finally found friend his age. He couldn't do what he does without your help and if there is ever anything I could do for you, then please let me know." He smiled at Mary then and realized that at least Matthew and Mary have both accepted him for what he is.
..
"I'll ring for Bates then, I have to rest, I think."
"All right. Should I tell Lady Mary?"
"Mary. Yes. Do tell her when you see her." So he goes in search of Lady Mary, Mary. He has to get used to calling her Mary. Both Edith and Mary insist on him calling them by their first names only, just as Matthew does. Sybil's parents haven't said anything on that matter so far and Sybil told him to just call them Lord and Lady Grantham. It feels strange to him to not call them your ladyship and your lordship anymore, but as Lord Grantham has said repeatedly, he is not their servant anymore.
"Mr. Branson."
"Major Gordon." He is slightly wary of the man, they can't really be sure who he is after all. Especially not after his performance in the library.
"Would you care to walk with me?" He doesn't know why not, so he asks a passing maid to tell Mary about Matthew and then joins Major Gordon. The man talks about trifles and how much he enjoyed growing up at Downton.
"Would you mind if I asked you something?"
"No, of course not."
"The children, whose are they?" He is a little surprised by the question because he'd have thought that Edith would have told him all about her brother, nephew and niece.
"George and Josephine are the children of Lady Mary and Mr. Crawley, Lord Downton is of course" Major Gordon stops in his tracks.
"So that boy really is Robert's son?" What sort of question is that? Nicholas, he just can't think of that sweet little boy as Lord Downton, ran towards Lord Grantham yelling "Papa" at the top of his voice. Nothing could have been more obvious.
"Of course he is."
"Who is the child's mother?" Maybe there is something that could have been more obvious than Nicholas being Lord Grantham's son. Knowing that Nicholas is Lord Grantham's son, who else but Lady Grantham should be the mother?
"Considering how well you claim to know the family, you seem to know very little about them."
"I've been away for years."
"Lady Grantham is Lord Downton's mother. Who else should the mother be?"
"And everyone is sure that Robert is the father?" Now he is the one to stop in his tracks.
"Of course he is the father. They would never cheat on one another." They wouldn't. He knows that and not just because he has heard others, in particular Sybil, talk about the great love between the Earl and Countess. He used to drive them around, sometimes after parties, late at night when they feel quite unobserved. They tend to cuddle up in the back seat of the car and talk about rather private matters and more often than not, those talks are interrupted by kisses. They have never done anything indecent in the back of the car, but the love between them has always been obvious to him.
"Thank you." Major Gordon turns around and leaves.
Anthony Strallan
He hears a woman cry and he knows that it is her, so he walks into the family library. And there she is, slumped down on one of the sofas, her head in her hands, violent sobs shaking through her body. And his heart breaks for her. He should have fought for her. Seeing her fall for Major Gordon who claimed to be Patrick Crawley almost drove him mad, he tried to talk Dr. Clarkson into letting him go home, but the doctor wouldn't budge. And now here she is crying and here he is watching her. He sits down on her right so that he can put his good arm around her shoulder.
"Edith," he says and she looks up at him. She just stares at him but doesn't say a thing. So he pulls her closer to him and lets her cry for what feels like hours.
Her closeness to him is driving him mad, he wants to kiss her and do other things with her but of course that is out of the question. He could not even support his own weight. Although he is sure that there are other … positions … but in his first marriage. He stops himself from thinking about his first wife. He did love Maude, maybe not always in the way that one is supposed to love a wife, he loved her like a good friend, but his love for Edith is different. She stirs desires in him he thought he'd never feel. But of course he can't have her. He is too old for her, that hasn't changed and she did accept another man's proposal, although he thinks that he was the one who pushed he to do so. In fact he is the one who caused her to be so miserable.
He should never have come back after that fateful dinner in 1914. He got what he wanted, at least more or less. The Countess of Grantham who had been the object of his not really affection but interest, had talked to him for a quite a while and that was all he was ever going to get, that was all he ever wanted. Robert is his friend and Cora in love with Robert and that was all there was to it. But somehow Edith had entered his mind and heart and not left and he couldn't stop thinking about her. He went to war to stop it. His motives weren't as honorable as Robert's or Matthew's, he just wanted to get away from Edith, from that huge mistake that was looming over him. Although deep down in his heart he knows that this is not completely true, he wanted to defend his country too. But wanting to forget about Edith was on the forefront of his mind. And that did not work. Not at all.
Edith has calmed herself to hiccups now and he begins to stroke her back. He feels so sorry for her and he wishes there was anything he could do.
"He didn't want me, you know? He ran off as soon as he knew that Nicholas was the heir and not him. That's what Tom said. And why would Tom lie about something like that?"
"I don't think Tom lied. Was he really Patrick Crawley though?"
"We don't know. We'll never know. But whoever he was, he only wanted me as long as he thought that he was the heir." He thinks that that means that it was not Patrick Crawley, that this Major Gordon wanted to use Edith to be accepted by the family, but he does not have the heart to tell the love his life that.
"I shouldn't have pushed you towards him. It is my fault."
"What?"
"If I hadn't pushed you, you would not be so unhappy now. I could have spared you that pain."
"Oh don't worry Anthony, I am used to falling for men who don't love me." This hurts him quite a lot. Because it means that she has been in love with other men. Of course he knew that. He knew about Patrick and he also knows that Edith at least had a crush on Matthew. But more than that, it hurts him because she apparently thinks that he never loved her.
"Edith, I do love you."
"Then marry me."
"No."
"Why?" He hates that she always starts the old argument again.
"You know why. I am too old and I am a cripple."
"Matthew will never walk again, Mary and he will never be lovers again. And yet Mary is devoted to him, stands by his side, will never leave him. Although Matthew offered a divorce, for all the wrong reasons of course." He feels a pang of sadness for Matthew, that nice young man. He should have a realized what Matthew injury means, how ghastly the consequences of Matthew's injury are and what that must mean for Lady Mary. And still she stands by him, has never wavered in her devotion to her husband. And if aloof Lady Mary can do that, shouldn't he trust her much more warm-hearted sister to do the same? He knows he could trust Edith, but it does not solve the problem of him being too old for her.
"Matthew and Mary are more or less the same age. I am older than your father." Edith now screws up her face.
"Anthony, you are right. You are the reason for my misery. I have been telling you that I love you and that I don't care about any of your stupid reasons for not wanting to marry me. If you weren't so stubborn and stupid, I would have been happy years ago." She gets up and starts to leave, but he gets up too and pulls at her hand, pulls her close to him and kisses her. She kisses him back without question. He doesn't know why he is doing this, but he needs this and he knows that she needs it too.
"Edith, I,"
"Let's get married. Please."
"Yes." He should not have said that but he couldn't stop himself and when he feels her kiss him again, he knows deep in his heart that it was the right decision.
Tom
He gets up when the music begins and briefly looks at Matthew who smiles a reassuring smile at him. He has never felt so uncomfortable in his life. Sybil and Matthew talked him into wearing a morning coat and he wishes he hadn't listened to them. But Sybil wanted him to do so and Matthew told him it would make things easier and so he did what they asked. He then turns around and watches Sybil being walked down the aisle by her father. He focuses on her and forgets all about being uncomfortable in his morning coat. She smiles a brilliant smile at him and it calms him down. The ceremony washes over him, he doesn't take any of it in and that suddenly makes it very easy for him to accept that this is not a catholic ceremony. He knows he said 'I do' at the right moment because eventually Sybil and he are pronounced husband and wife. They leave the church together and he sees Sybil's mother smile at them and Carson looking somehow disgruntled. Apparently this marriage is easier to accept for the family than for the servants, but he couldn't care less about it, not right now.
He helps Sybil to get into the car that will take them back to Downton Abbey.
"Are you happy?" she asks him and he wonders if she is serious.
"Of course I am happy."
"Good. I know this is not the wedding you wanted."
"It is the wedding you wanted and we are at war, so I can accept this. And making you happy is what is most important to me." It is. Making Sybil happy has become more important to him than to rebel against the systems. He still does not approve of the aristocracy, he still wants them to live a much, much simpler live but that is not what is most important to him anymore. Sybil gives him a kiss for his answer, and that is all the thanks he will ever need.
The reception is very simple, held in the ballroom of the Abbey, attended by family, staff and soldiers but Tom does not take in much of the reception either. At the end of it, Dr. Clarkson, whom he supposes he should call Richard now and Matthew's mother announce that they will sleep at the Abbey and leave Crawley House to Sybil and him for the night. He briefly wonders why it is still called Crawley House and thinks about asking Isobel about it but as if she could read his mind, Sybil shakes her head.
Once they are in the guest room at Crawley House and have both changed out of their wedding clothes, he pulls Sybil, his wife, close to him and kisses her very gently. She molds herself into his body rather eagerly and he thinks that quite possibly, Sybil will take the lead in many things in their marriage. And that's what he loves about her.
"Are you sure you are ready?" he asks her and looks into her stunningly blue eyes.
"Tom, of course I am ready for this. It was you who wanted to wait until tonight, not me." He can't help but chuckle. Sybil has been trying to get him to sleep with her for three weeks but he refused her. She had a string of arguments, most of them involving the words 'test run' and he is sure that Mary was not blameless in this. But he is a catholic and there apparently are a few things that he is more conservative about than Sybil.
They return to the Abbey late afternoon the next day and Matthew grins at him and asks him how much of an eye opener the wedding night was. He bursts into loud laughter and so does Matthew and he thinks that this might very well be the first time since his injury that Matthew laughed like that. Mary's reaction to this certainly indicates that.
But when he dresses for dinner in his black trousers and dinner jacket, the nagging feeling of having married the right woman but into the wrong family returns. This feeling intensifies when he enters the small library, where the family now gathers before dinner due to the fact that they don't have a drawing room anymore. He watches Sybil talk to her sisters and Matthew talk to Sybil's father and he realizes that he does not belong to this family, he does not belong to that kind of life.
"You feel as if you didn't belong." He looks to his right and sees that his mother-in-law is standing next to him.
"No. Please don't be offended but," he doesn't know how to go on.
"I am not offended Tom. I know how you feel. I thought I had come to a different planet when I married into this family." She may have felt like that, but it was still different for her. She was a member of the right social sphere and she wanted this kind of life.
"Maybe," he says because he does not want to fight with the Countess of Grantham right now.
"I thought I was not made for this kind of life. In a way I sometimes still think that. But I let Robert help me adjust and he turned this life, our life, into a fairytale for me. Most parts of it in any case. Not the war or our fights, but most other things."
"Maybe" he says again because they are not in the same situation and this will never be a fairytale for him. This is a living nightmare. He is against the aristocracy, he wants to abolish it, he has thought about destroying private property, but yet he is about to have dinner with exactly those people.
"Let Sybil guide you. Trust her. And give us a chance. Please."
"I want to go to Ireland. That is where I belong."
"I know. And you will go there. Sybil has her mind set on that, regardless of how much Robert tries to ignore that. But don't push her until the war is over." He doesn't know what to say and so he just stares at his mother-in-law, who is then called by her husband.
"Keep in mind what I said," she says to him, squeezes his arm very lightly the same way she does with Matthew, and then walks over to her husband who gives her a kiss on the cheek for no apparent reason.
Robert
"Hm." That is all he has got say. Edith has just told him that she will get married to Anthony Strallan and that they won't wait until the end of the war. He does not agree with this, not at all. He wasn't thrilled about Sybil's choice of husband, but at least Tom has a fully functioning body and is only seven years older than Sybil. But Anthony Strallan is not fully functioning and older than, he does not even want to think about.
"Aren't you happy for me Papa?"
"I am happy if you are happy. But are you sure that Anthony is the right man for you?" Edith' face turns read and he is painfully reminded of the little girl he falsely accused of having drawn on the tapestry in his bedroom.
"Why can Sybil marry the chauffeur and plan a move to Dublin without you fighting it for a second but if I want to marry a gentleman from this county you huff and puff?" He doesn't know how to explain this. He wishes Cora was there, she would be able to deal with this much better.
"Anthony is too old for you. Don't think that I don't like him, he is a good man, but,"
"But what Papa?"
"He can't use his right arm anymore."
"Matthew can't use his body from the waist down anymore. Are you going to make Mary divorce him just because he is injured?"
"You'll be nursemaid for the rest of Anthony's life."
"I will be much less of a nursemaid than Mary." That of course is true. But still. He can't in all good conscience give Edith his blessing.
"Edith, you want to marry a disabled man. A man older than your own father. I don't really feel old, but I am not young anymore. I don't think I am too old to take care of Nicholas, but it was a very close call. And your mother and I won't have any more children, we can be sure of that. But you will be able to have children for 15 or more likely 20 years to come. Imagine you had a child in 10 years' time." He knows Edith is about to explode but he has to make her understand the consequences of what she is doing.
"That would be great. But we will have children before that and,"
"Anthony has never taken care of a baby. It is hard enough doing it for the first time when you are young."
"But I am young."
"Yes, my darling child, you are. But he is not."
"I don't care." Edith voice has gone shrill and he is afraid that they can be heard in the other part of the library.
"Edith, child, calm down. And listen to me. That is all I ask. Just listen to me."
"Whatever you have to say, it won't make me change my mind."
"If that is truly the case then so be it. But listen. Anthony is a very nice man, I don't doubt it. And you are a wonderful young woman. And if Anthony was more or less your age, I'd be thrilled about you marrying him. But he is older than you, much older than you. He is too old, or almost too old, to become the father of a baby. He can't use his right arm. And Edith, I know this sounds harsh, but he will die decades before you do. He will turn you into a widow far too early."
"But before that happens we will have decades of a happy marriage. Just like Mama and you."
"Edith"
"You are happy, aren't you?"
"Very happy. But your mother and I have been together for a long time and if you age together than that is different and," Edith shake her head vehemently and there are tears running down her face.
"Papa," she chokes out and he feels so sorry for her that he puts his arms around her and pets her head like he used to do when she was still small. "Please Papa, I won't change my mind. But I don't want to fight with you. Because I love you." He has to swallow hard once and then takes his daughter's face between his hands.
"I'll give you my blessings. If you are that steadfast then that is the only thing that remains for me to do."
"And you will walk me down the aisle?"
"Of course."
"Thank you." His daughter kisses him on the cheek and then leaves. He hopes he has made the right decision, but he is sure that he would not have been able to change her mind. And neither would Cora have been.
