Hi everyone! Got some angst for ya! Blaine finally opens something important! Wink, wink! I hope you're all still enjoying this story as much as I am enjoying writing it =D
I have just started another little fic called Summer Lovin' and it follows on from the Kurt and Blaine "I love you" confession and the Samcedes development in the New York episode. It's going to be shorter and fluffy because this is going to get a big angsty for a bit and I felt like I'm going to need some relief! It's barely started yet, but if this little bit of shameless cross promotion has you intrigued, go have a look =D
Thank you for all your wonderful reviews! I take everything to heart very much so please don't hesitate to drop a comment!
Enjoy.
Kurt got out of the shower and moisturised and dressed then stole Rachel's hair dryer to fix his hair. All this took time. Blaine and Rachel were downstairs cleaning up the avalanche of plastic cups that were lying abandoned all over the basement. Kurt had promised to help them once he was decent to be seen by the public eye, and Blaine, knowing that could take an hour, had merely rolled his eyes, smiled and headed downstairs to start to clean up.
It was when Kurt headed quickly back to Blaine and Rachel's room to fold his clothes back into his Dior overnight bag that he spotted it. Blaine's mum's letter was leaning against a picture of himself (A truly hideous picture actually. He must give Blaine a Kurt-approved one). He wondered for a second if Blaine had opened it and curiosity got the better of him as he picked it up to check the seal.
"What are you doing?" Blaine was standing in the doorway looking scandalised.
"Um, I was just checking…" Kurt started, but Blaine interrupted him.
"That's private, Kurt! You know that! Why would you even touch it?" Blaine could feel the irrational anger bubbling up inside him. He seemed to revert into a temper-tantrum-ed child whenever he thought about his parents now.
"Blaine, don't you think you should…"
"No! Why would I want to hear anything she had to say, Kurt? She left me! She didn't even have the guts to try to stay around my dad long enough to say goodbye! She never once cared about me enough to stand up to him, so why should I listen?" Blaine was yelling now. He wasn't yelling at Kurt though, even though it sure looked like it. Kurt knew he was yelling at his mother, hurt and angry and still afraid after everything that Kurt and the Hummel's and the Berry's had done to make him feel safe.
"Blaine, honey, you can't ignore her forever. You can't just cut her out of your life, Blaine." Kurt didn't know why he was pushing, but in that moment it needed to be said. He'd been walking on eggshells to avoid talking about Blaine's parents but it couldn't go on forever.
"Why can't I?" Blaine said petulantly.
"What about when you graduate high school, Blaine? Or when you graduate college? What about when we get married or have kids? I'd give anything to see my mother again, and I know it's not even close to being the same situation, but I don't want you to have that kind of loss. Not if you don't have to. You don't know what she had to say to you, Blaine. Is there a chance that you could still have a mum?" Kurt had moved forward to cradle Blaine, carrying the letter with him as a reminder.
"Did you just say 'when' we get married?" Blaine was staring at Kurt.
Kurt's face went white.
"I-I-I meant that as an example, that's all. This is about your mum, not about us. I don't want you to have to join Rachel and mine's sad little annual No-Mother's Day. You have a mum, who might not have always made the best choices, but I'm sure she loves you very much, Blaine."
Kurt pulled Blaine over to sit on his bed, worried that he might collapse, because his breathing was very shaky, and his eyes were especially bright as he gazed at Kurt.
"Open the letter, Blaine," Kurt whispered, running his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. "I'm right here beside you, and even if it's something bad, we'll deal with it together and talk it through, okay?"
Blaine nodded; a little proud he had managed to not cry. Carefully his fingers slipped beneath the seal and he tore the envelope open roughly. Blaine knew Kurt was going mad right now, because he couldn't stand to see letters opened untidily without a letter opener, and the one he had bought Blaine was within sight on his dresser. But Blaine was angry so he wanted to tear that paper with his fingers. As if that tangible separation might ease the one of him from his mother.
Blaine's eyes flooded with tears as he saw the familiar script of his mother's handwriting. It was the worst time for him to cry because he couldn't read the words he had been dreading and wanting to read for weeks. He stared at the letter for several moments, holding it with shaky fingers, before finally giving into his tears and accepting his compromised vision.
"You read it," Blaine said hoarsely, pushing the letter towards Kurt, "You read it to me."
Kurt gulped a little, but accepted the letter with one hand, threading his other in Blaine's clutching him tightly and comfortingly.
"My Blaine," Kurt read, "I know you. I know you have so many questions for me. Questions I deserve, and questions it hurts me to even answer. I'm so sorry that this all ever happened. I know it is never an excuse, but your father can be a very threatening man, and I felt like giving in to him was somehow the only way I would be there to protect you. I never protected you, Blaine, did I? Not once. I knew what was happening, but I ignored it, because it hurt less. Hurt less for me. I'm a selfish mother, Blaine. I loved it when you were happy and smiling and I got to enjoy you, but when things really got tough, I never stood up, and I only hope one day that you can forgive me for that," Kurt paused to stroke Blaine's curls as he sobbed and waited for them to subside a little before he continued.
"I'm leaving your father, Blaine. He's hurt me, and I hope you for the last time. I don't fully understand your choices. Being gay is something that seems important to you, and I hope that if that's what you truly want then you stay by your decision."
Kurt froze as Blaine swore roughly.
"She thinks I fucking chose to be gay? Who would choose this?" Kurt knew what he meant even though the words stung a little. Blaine meant who would choose to be an outsider; to be ridiculed and hated and be the subject of abuse for no reason except who they loved. Kurt knew what he meant, but Blaine suddenly realised how it must have sounded because he pressed a dozen kisses to Kurt's fingers apologising.
"I didn't mean that. I love being gay, because it means I get you, Kurt. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it." Blaine was pressing a kiss to Kurt's fingertips for every apology.
"Shhh, baby," Kurt stroked his hair, "I knew exactly what you meant, you don't need to apologise."
They sat quietly for a few moments, Blaine cuddled into Kurt's body and Kurt kissing his curls.
"Do you want me to keep reading?" Kurt asked hesitantly. Blaine nodded stiffly.
"Please know that I love you, Blaine; more than life itself. But I'm no good for you. I don't know why you got stuck with me and your father as parents. I'm only amazed at how well you turned out and thankful that I couldn't have any more children that we could screw up. I want you to take this," Kurt gently tugged the envelope out of Blaine's hand and found a cheque inside. Kurt gasped at the figure written on it. Blaine gave it a disgusted look and Kurt kept reading.
"It's not a lot, but it should pay for tuition for Dalton and if you need money to stay somewhere else. It should even stretch to college. If you ever need money though, all you need to do is write to your grandmother's. She doesn't know about being gay, so I probably wouldn't mention anything in a letter. I hope he's a nice boy, Blaine. It makes me sad that I won't be a part of your life anymore, but you don't need me. You were always the strong one. I love you, Pumpkin. Mum."
The silence washed over them and Kurt realised that Blaine wasn't crying anymore. He simply took the letter from Kurt's hands after several minutes and looked at it critically.
Then he tore it up.
"Wait! Blaine!" Kurt tried to stop him, but it was too late. Kurt was reminded of that day that felt like years ago now, when Blaine had been so obsessively cutting up his father's heinous note in his kitchen.
Blaine gave a dirty look to the cheque, and Kurt was worried if he might shred that too, but Blaine merely folded it and placed it back inside the torn envelope, then got up to place it back where the letter had sat, unopened for so many weeks.
"That's all that was in that letter, Kurt," Blaine spat angrily. "All the rest was just guilt. It's all her way of trying to apologise the only way she knows how, with money. Well I don't need her fucking love, or her damned protection, do I? I have you, and I have Rachel, and Chris and Oscar, and Burt and Carole and even Finn! I have a whole Glee club of love and I don't need her. But money is something I'm short on. So I'm going to bank the damned cheque. It makes me feel filthy, but I know that I put your parents out of pocket, and Rachel's too, and I don't want to owe them. Then I'm going to buy a car. And the rest will be for college. And that's all there is to it."
Kurt was glad Blaine wasn't sobbing, but he had such a cool anger about him, that no matter what words were coming from his mouth, Kurt knew he wasn't okay.
"Blaine, you don't owe my parents anything," Kurt said gently as Blaine sat back on the bed, "They loved having you. Carole won't shut up about how damned polite you are and what a pleasure it was to have a gentleman in the house. She's usually talking to Finn to guilt him into doing the dishes, but still…"
"No." Blaine said firmly. "Every fucking cent, Kurt. I'm sorry, but I don't ever want to be in debt to people or take charity if I don't need to. And look! A wealthy relative just gave me a $30,000 inheritance! So I'm going to fucking pay people back!" Blaine jumped up and paced the room.
Kurt knew to tread carefully. Blaine only ever swore if he was turned on or exceptionally frustrated and angry so the swearing now meant he was on the verge of losing it.
"Blaine, you need to sit down and talk about this, baby," Kurt said gently as Blaine almost wore a trail in the carpet with all his pacing, "I know you're disappointed and angry, but really, she said some nice things in that letter." Kurt knew Blaine was going to ask him "What things?" and he really couldn't think of any so he could prepare an answer. What kind of mother leaves her son to deal with an angry, violent father? What kind of mother never spoke up on her son's behalf for sixteen and a half years? What kind of mother thought it was easiest to remove herself from her son's life, and thought she could ease the guilt by writing a cheque?
Blaine glared at Kurt.
"What fucking nice things did she say, Kurt?" He was yelling at the world again, and Kurt didn't feel worried that he was yelling at him. "She told me that she was selfish and that she never protected me, that she thought it was my choice to be gay, and that she doesn't want to see me again, but she'll happily keep writing cheques to make herself feel better about the whole thing! Fuck, I should never have even been fucking born! That would have made her happier! And then she could have kept her precious bank balance!" Finally Blaine had tears in his eyes and he sank to the floor, crossing his legs and sobbing in the middle of the room.
"Blaine Anderson, don't you ever say that again!" Kurt scolded firmly and went to sit beside him on the floor, despite his hatred for polyester carpeting. "I don't even want to think about what would have happened to me if you had never been born. I'd never have found the love of my life and I would have sat at home sadly, dreaming of a beautiful boy with dark curly hair, and piercing golden eyes, and the most amazing soul in the world who never existed." Kurt crawled so he had one leg on either side of Blaine's torso and was sitting in his lap and wrapped his arms and legs around his boyfriend, never wanting to let go, simply rocking them as one.
"I love you so much, honey. I know you love your mum. And I know you want her to be here. But she just can't. It's too much for her. She got it right, you know. You are the strong one. You never should have had to be. But you are, just the same. It's that strength that makes you the man you are. You've been through hell and back and you're still Blaine. Still wanting to protect and care about everyone else."
"Kurt, why doesn't she want me?" Blaine sobbed into Kurt's chest, clinging to him like he was falling, "If I'm so great, why doesn't she love me? Aren't mothers like genetically engineered to love their kids? So what's wrong with me? I tried so hard. My whole life I've been trying to be so good and she still doesn't love me."
Rachel walked into the room at that point and saw Kurt sitting on Blaine's lap, struggling to keep him together. She raised her eyebrows frantically in question at Kurt. He mouthed over the top of Blaine's head "He opened the letter," and nodded towards the torn envelope on the dresser. Rachel looked horrified.
"Is he okay?" she asked silently.
Kurt considered Blaine, chest heaving as tears stained Kurt's shirt.
"No," he mouthed back, "But he will be."
