The ownership of all characters related to and involving the novels of The Vampire Academy and Bloodlines Series remain the sole property of Richelle Mead, the Penguin Group and any affiliates.

No copyrights have been infringed on maliciously.

By the Baring of my Soul

~ Chapter Twenty-Nine ~

Breathing heavily into the thin, frosty air, the elementary campus was lightly misted and hazed in the golden light of early morning as I crossed over the winter-deadened lawns from the upper in search of Alberta.

I knew from being in the office with Yuri earlier that her shift had ended already, but no one had seen her return, so she was probably still on the lower campus. Not exactly worried that I would lose my nerve to talk to her, but that I would begin to doubt the decision I had made only an hour earlier if I didn't, I had decided against waiting to talk to her.

Knowing from the roster that I wouldn't find anyone with her on that part of the campus at this hour, it was probably better if I spoke to her alone.

Even if I did find her in a generous mood, this conversation was still going to be unpleasant.

My request was bound to shock her. Anger would be next, followed by irrational lashing out and then reasoning for me to come to my senses, and I was prepared for all of that, but it was her disappointment that would be the most difficult to deal with, and there was no way around it.

With my realisation in the small chapel that I could have both duty and Rose, came with it my ability to feel as though I could overcome any obstacle in my way. I also knew that this was just the first in a serious of stumbling blocks…and if I couldn't get over this one, there would be no point in facing the rest.

It was why I would have to word what I would say next very carefully. If Alberta refused to speak to the council on my behalf – and it was a real concern that she would – then the possibility of being reassigned would dwindle to non-existent.

Walking through the thick pine forest bordering the boundary of the property on the East, the frozen pinecones crunched loudly beneath my boots. Hearing a similar crunching a little way off to my left, I turned towards it in the hopes that I had found who it was I was looking for, even as my stomach lurched in nervous anticipation.

Brushing aside the heavily hanging branch of a dripping Yew, I saw Alberta before she saw me. Walking slowly, she appeared deep in thought with her head lowered slightly and her hands dug deeply into the pockets of her coat as the morning light caught at the dull highlights in her sandy hair.

Feeling now almost tensely unsure of myself, I shook off my hesitation and was about to make myself known, but I didn't have the opportunity as without lifting her head, Alberta seemed to know that I was there already.

"You're up very late, Belikov, and you're not on boundary duty until Friday morning. What's wrong?"

Reaching me, Alberta shrugged deeper into the warmth of her clothing and tilted her head back to stare at me with impenetrable eyes. Feeling again as though they could see straight through to what was already on my mind, I decided to get to the point as quickly as possible.

"I need to talk to you. Would you mind if we walked for a while?"

Arching a brow quizzically and almost instantly wincing as the deep cut above her brow from one of the West twins pulled with the movement, Alberta sighed quietly and nodded. It was obvious that she was tired and would have preferred to sleep, but she took her responsibilities towards her subordinates very seriously and often selflessly put their needs above her own.

I was hoping in this case that I wouldn't be the exception to her rule.

"Is this about Hathaway?"

In the act of sweeping another heavily hanging branch out of her way, my fingers clenched around the cold, wet pine needles. Telling myself that no matter how penetrating her gaze, Alberta couldn't know what I was about to talk to her about, I pushed aside my own uneasiness and turned to her.

"Rose?"

"Yes. Has been another…sighting?"

Hearing the wariness in the last word, I slowly forced my fingers to uncurl as I realised that her question had been merely curiosity about what she still didn't understand – what none of us did, really, and nothing more.

"No, no other…sighting or at least, none that Rose has told me about. She's full of theories as to why she's having these hallucinations, but none of them have any consistency or make any sense really. She's also having her head filled by other people's nonsense, which isn't really helping."

"What other people and what nonsense?"

"Adrian Ivashkov."

Briefly explaining what Rose had told me in the church about his ability to sense or see auras, Albert looked at me as sceptically. Finishing off my explanation with a contemptuous bite, Alberta snorted nosily as she heard the clear distaste for him in my voice.

"I know that you don't approve of him being here, Belikov, but I've told you before that it's out of our hands."

"Mmmm," was my darkly murmured reply. His being here might be out of our hands due to the family connection to his great-aunt, but maybe it was time that I had a word with him about watching what he said to Rose in future.

"You don't believe that Rose is really seeing ghosts, do you?"

"No," I answered mildly, whilst already calculating when it would be the best time to find and talk to Adrian. "And I've told her as much, but I do agree with Dr. Olendzki's theory of some sort of delayed trauma. The idea that she sees a therapist might not appeal to Rose, but I think it's the best for her right now."

Scoffing, Alberta shook her head. "I know from Deirdre that she's at least shown up to her first session, which for Rose is progress, but that doesn't mean she's going to continue to go. Honestly, I'm amazed that she even went to the first one. I thought we would have to drag her kicking and screaming."

You probably would have, if I hadn't made her promise that she would go, I thought with a touch of ironic amusement.

"Dr. Wallace has spoken to you about her session with Rose?" Deirdre Wallace was the seldom used psychotherapist employed by the academy. In the eighteen or so months that I had been at St. Vladimir's, I had only ever known of a handful of students that utilized her skills.

Frowning darkly, Alberta shook her head, clearly displeased that the therapist had made good on her oath to protect clients information. "No, she was very guarded on what she would and wouldn't say, and the only reason we spoke at all is that I've asked her to report to me on every session Hathaway attends…and misses. If this half-day field experience is going to work, she's going to have to listen to us for once."

"Will she give you written reports if you requested them?"

Sidestepping a large puddle, Alberta glanced up at me. "I doubt it, but what I have asked is that if she picks up on anything in her sessions with Rose that set off any warning bells, that she would break patient/doctor confidentially and tell me. I would like to keep this exercise under wraps if I can, but if there's something there that is genuinely disturbing, the council will want to know."

"And if there is, it will affect her graduation…and with whom she'll be placed."

Keeping my voice calm and my manner composed as Alberta nodded distractedly at me, I hid my panic at the thought. I knew that what was wrong with Rose had nothing to do with mental instability and everything to do with guilt, but if the therapist misinterpreted it, she could prove to be a serious setback for Rose.

If she seen as unstable, she wouldn't graduate, let alone be assigned to Lissa…and then what I was about to do would be pointless. I was about to ask to be reassigned, which would leave Lissa without either of us to protect her.

The thought of that set my stomach roiling all over again.

What if I did talk to Alberta now? What if I was called into a hearing with council, my request was approved, a replacement picked and then something happened to Rose in the next six months that would cause her to be disqualified from being Lissa's primary?

How would I feel then, if it was all for nothing?

Closing my eyes briefly, the panic that had set in and threatened to carry me away slowly began to be replaced by a more shameful emotion…guilt.

I was basing all of this conjecture of my own fears, not on Rose's abilities…abilities that I knew with time, would be even more formidable than my own and more than likely, her own mothers. There was nothing about Rose that was the least bit crazy and she would prove to everyone, including me, that she was worthy of being a guardian by the time she graduated.

Which would prove that my decision was worth the risk.

"That's something that we'll have to deal with, if it needs to be dealt with, at a later stage," Alberta continued, oblivious to where my train of thought had carried me to. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm tired, so what did you want to talk to me about?"

Feeling guilty for keeping her awake when she looked paler than before with deep groves of exhaustion bracketed the sides of her drawn mouth, I inhaled deeply and decided against stalling any further.

"I have a favour to ask of you."

Skirting another puddle, Alberta looked up at me with an expression I had never seen before, or one rather, that had never been directed at me…one that said she hadn't ever expected to hear these words from me and wasn't sure on how to proceed.

"A favour? What kind of favour?"

"A very important one."

Stopping in the cold shadow of a massive pine, Alberta's expression was still puzzled as she looked up at me once again with unfathomable eyes. Shifting almost uncomfortably, I settled myself.

"I want to be reassigned and I need your help to convince the council to allow me. That's my favour."

Hearing the crunching of cones resonate through the still forest, the sound mingled with the anticipation of my heartbeat ringing loudly in my ears. Staring with almost blank incomprehension, Alberta blinked twice very quickly.

"You…you want to be reassigned? Is that what I heard you say?"

"Yes," I sighed very quietly as the shock settled in. "After Princess Vasilisa graduates, obviously. I'll continue to be her primary until then, but I'm asking you now because I knew that reviewing candidates as my replacement will take some time to organize my replacement."

Stunned momentarily into silence, Alberta gaped a little at me before closing her mouth with an audible snap. Staring at me for a few seconds, her pale cheeks began to flush with dull colour high on the cheekbones.

And here comes the anger, my mind whispered as my body braced.

Pacing away from me a few feet, Alberta shook her head as if to clear it. Muttering to herself in Ukrainian, she suddenly swung around to face me, only now the heat along her cheekbones was feverishly bright with fury and she no longer looked remotely tired as she uttered just one word between thinned lips.

"Why?"

"I respect you immensely, Guardian Petrov, which is why I'm not going to lie to you or make excuses for why I'm doing this. Besides, it would be pointless if I did because you already know why I'm asking to be reassigned. You knew at Court when you warned me, and have probably known for a while."

"Yes, I did warn you", Alberta hissed menacingly. "I did you a courtesy when I only made myself clear on the issue of Rose Hathaway and didn't take action, but you obviously weren't listening then, so I'm going to warn you again, only this time, I'm going to be more direct than I was before. Whatever is happening or has happened between the two of you can go no further."

"Guardian Petrov…"

"Don't interrupt, Belikov! For the sake of everyone involved, I am going to forget that you have asked me to be reassigned, because I know that this time, you are going to actually listen to my warning, because if you don't, I will haul you in front of a disciplinary hearing so fast, your head will spin."

Taking another step closer, Albert glared up into my face. "As of today, I will take over Hathaway's training. You will continue to participate in the field-experience and will therefore be assigned to attack her during the exercise, but that will be the extent of your contact. If I see you together, no matter how innocent it looks, you'll be seeing the council members far faster than you would ever have liked to and in a much less friendly way. Do I make myself clear?"

Expecting the shock and the lashing out as Alberta's anger got the better of her normally level-headed temperament, the threats to separate Rose and I was one that I hadn't seen coming. Not when it made no sense.

"That's your decision of course, Guardian Petrov." I calmly observed as I fought to stay composed. "But you know doing that will only set her back further. She's not going to understand why it's happening and she'll worry about it when she should be concentrating."

"Oh, she's not going to know why I'm separating you, is she?"

Ignoring the thick sarcasm, I corrected her. "Rose has no idea that I've made this decision, Guardian Petrov. She has no idea that we're even having this conversation right now, in fact, if she knew, she wouldn't be happy that I want to be reassigned. If you want to be angry with someone, then it should be me. Don't punish her for my decision"

"Oh, I am angry with you, make no mistake about that." Eyeing me with a scowl bordering on murderous intent, Alberta abruptly swung away from me. Muttering in Ukrainian again, this time it was swearing and not just mumbling as she began to pace.

"Amazing. You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life, and it's Rose that you're worried about. Do you know what this could do to your career? You're concerned about her being setback, but this could be an even bigger hurdle for you and that doesn't even seem to bother you."

About to argue against the concerns for what my own future held, I instead said the only thing that I could in my defence with perfect sincerity because it was all that really needed to be said.

"I love her."

Heaving a heavy sigh, Alberta ran her fingers agitatedly through her hair, glaring at me over shoulder as she continued to pace tensely. "Dammit it, Belikov! I never thought that I would have to have this conversation with you! Theroux maybe, Dalca definitely, but not you. I thought you had more sense than this?"

"My lack of sense isn't the issue here."

"No, your disloyalty to the Moroi clearly is."

"My loyalties to the Moroi have not changed, Guardian Petrov." Holding my anger in check, it was only what I knew to expect. Now, and in the future. Everything about my loyalties to the Moroi would be questioned by anyone that had opinion, Moroi and dhampir alike.

"Really? From where I'm standing, it doesn't look like that. It looks as though as long as Rose Hathaway is involved, your loyalties are anything but fixed on the Moroi."

"I will continue to honour my duty to the Moroi, Guardian Petrov, just not Princess Vasilisa...not as long as Rose is involved."

"Because you're so certain that Rose will be assigned to her after graduation? And what if she isn't? Have you thought of that? What if she assigned to a Moroi on the other side of the world? You would have given up the Princess and be nowhere near Hathaway? Hmmm, then what? All of this would have been for nothing."

It wasn't actually something that I had given any thought to, because I knew at the end of the day, the council couldn't ignore the advantage that the bond brought, no matter how uncertain they were of Rose's suitability.

"If that's what it comes to, Guardian Petrov, then we'll still at least have shifts that give us some time off, without one of us constantly having to guard the same Moroi. It won't be easy, but it won't be for nothing either."

"How romantic," Alberta scoffed loudly, pacing towards me again. "A long-distance relationship that you would make work whenever you could get time off? And how long would that last, Belikov? Hmmm? This relationship will be hard enough to make work with you both in the same country considering how much resistance you're going to come up against, but long-distance relationships are impossible."

Striding forward at a fast clip, Alberta closed the distance to only a few inches between us. The anger shimmering off her was an almost visible heatwave as she continued her barrage. "What happens when the distance pulling between the two of you is too strong to ignore? Then what?"

"That would be our concern, Guardian Petrov."

"No! It would be mine!" Alberta barked, rising to stand on her toes so that her glare was closer to see. "I would have to appear before the council, regardless of whether I agreed to this ridiculous request or not, and have to explain to them why one of my most respected guardians wants to leave the prestigious post of guarding the last Dragomir because he was stupid enough to fall in love with his student right under my nose!"

Turning away again, the swearing continued, but this time Russian and English mixed with Alberta's native Ukrainian as I remained silent and let her rant. We both knew that the council would never know the true reason, but she seemed beyond common sense right now.

"You think I don't understand what it's like to be young and in love?" Alberta asked harshly, switching back to English as for a moment she stared out into the distance and seemed more focused on her own memories of the past than on criticizing me for my future.

"I understand more than you know, and like you, I was once faced with the same decision when I was younger. I gave up the person I loved to keep the oath that I had promised to the Moroi…" Trailing off, Alberta's shoulders slumped as she breathed out heavily, expelling her anger with it.

"Maybe if I had felt I had another choice. Maybe if was brave enough to feel like I had another choice, but I wasn't. Things were different then, and so Arthur and I made our choices."

Feeling as stunned as Alberta must have felt earlier, I repeated the name in my head a few times, the only Arthur I could think of, was the legendary guardian who had been part of the massacre last year…the massacre that Rose and I had unwittingly stumbled upon.

"Arthur? Are you talking about Arthur Schoenberg? You two were…"

Facing me again and arching a sardonic brow at my incredulous tone, Alberta narrowed her eyes dangerously at me. "Yes, Arthur and I. There's no need to look so shocked, Belikov. I was young once and not always so hard and unforgiving."

"Of course, forgive me for implying that you weren't, Guardian Petrov." Still a little unsettled, my surprise gave way to sadness for her. "Last year, when he was…I'm sorry."

Nodding solemnly, Alberta stared almost blankly through large gap in the forest to the rising sun. "Life for us is often fleeting; it's an occupational hazard, but Arthur lived to an old age and he lived his life doing what he wanted to do…what he thought would make the most difference. Grieving over that would be a waste of time, Belikov, and Arthur would be the first person to tell you that."

Although Alberta said those words outwardly, I knew that she must have grieved for him privately at some stage.

"Dimitri, reconsider. Please?!"

Finding her facing me again, the anger at my announcement had slowly begun to fade as her threats began to turn to reasoning and our conversation became more informal.

"I can't, Alberta. It's already too late. I know that you'll never understand why, or understand how I could do what it is that I'm doing, but this is the only way that I can still honour my duty to the Moroi…and be free to love Rose without feeling guilty for doing so."

"So that's it? You just woke up with one day and decided that this was the only way forward?"

"No. This is something I've been struggling with for a long time, but it wasn't until speaking to Father Andrew a few hours ago that I realised I could compromise without losing anything in return. He made me see that sacrifice and duty could go hand in hand, which is when I made the decision for reassignment."

"It wasn't an easy decision, Alberta, but it's the only one I can live with." Brushing aside a strand of hair blown across my face in the cool morning breeze, I took a step closer to her and softened my voice to a near whispering plea. "If it's done this way, there'll be no rumours or speculation afterwards when our relationship would have been more obvious. This is the only way."

Sighing, Alberta glared, but for the first time since starting this conversation, I felt as though she might actually be accepting of what I wanted to do. Shaking her head, Alberta walked away from me slowly; her retreat muffled by the pine-cones beneath her feet.

Waiting what seemed like an eternity, Alberta finally turned to face me, but her expression was resigned in defeat and it filled me with a quiet triumph.

"I can't believe that I'm actually agreeing to this madness…fine, I'll contact the council next week before they meet to discuss the novice assignments at the end of the year to tell them about your request, but I'm not happy about this and I still think you're making a big mistake."

Resting her back against a cold pine, Alberta folded her arms over her chest. "Have you thought about what you're going to say to them when they ask you why you want to be reassigned? It will be a question they want answered honestly, and believe me, if it's not what they want to hear, you're as good as buried."

"Obviously I can't go into detail and to be honest, I doubt that there's going to be any reason that I give to them that's going to be good enough, so I was thinking along the lines of saying that due to personal issues, I no longer felt as though I was the best qualified to do the job."

Hearing what I had just said, I wasn't surprised at how difficult it was to say them.

"No, no, no, no. They will never for a second believe that you're having personal issues and that you don't feel as though you're fit enough to protect the remaining member of a Royal line." Pushing away from the tree, Alberta chewed on the inside of her cheek.

"Tell them that whilst it has been a privilege to serve as the Princess's guardian, you think that your time and expertise would be better served by continuing to train at the academy or at any other training facility, and that you respectfully request to be removed as Princess Vasilisa's guardian in order to do so."

"They'll already be thinking of a way to punish you for even asking for a transfer, believe me, and this will give them less ammunition. It might also help you in the long run; the guardians placed at academies have more freedom, and if you're lucky and believe so strongly that Rose will be assigned to the Princess, then you might even be assigned to Court. If I can reason with Hans, then I will try and suggest to him that it's Court you should be assigned to."

"Because you believe that Rose will be assigned to Vasilisa?"

"At this point I don't know what to believe in anymore. An hour ago I was going over the mundane details for the next week's schedule in my head, never suspecting that this is what I would have to deal with." Swiping impatiently at the short hair lying flat over her forehead, Alberta glared at me balefully, but the anger was almost gone.

"Thank you for your help, Alberta. Not just for this, but for what you will have to do for me in the future. I'm truly sorry that I'm putting you in this position."

"Not half as sorry as I will make you if I see even the slightest hint of your inappropriate behaviour towards a minor.I might be reluctantly agreeing to help you, but I am still your superior, and you will behave in a way that is expected of you, do I make myself clear?"

Glaring menacingly, I nodded once. "Yes, Guardian Petrov. I understand perfectly. It won't be a problem."

"No? I didn't think I had to worry about this sort of thing happening with you either, so you'll forgive me if I'm sceptical."

"Guardian Petrov, I have no ulterior motives here. I know that Rose is underage, and still a student, which is why all of this hinges on after her graduation. Does this mean that I will continue to train her, or are you still set on separating us?"

Not wanting to push my luck when the favour I had set out to gain was already mine, I waited patiently for her reply whilst secretly on tenterhooks.

Placing her hands on her hips, Alberta muttered to herself. "I should put you on double duty from now until graduation." Sighing, she shook her head. "I have enough on my plate already, and now thanks to you, I have more. Continue with Rose, but bear in mind what I've just told you."

Nodding solemnly, Alberta blew out a frustrated breath and started slowly back towards the upper campus and housing. Walking at her side in silence for a few minutes, I allowed what this all meant to sink in. This was only a stepping off point. There would be more to follow that would be harder to accomplish, but I didn't allow myself to think about that when all I could feel was relief.

"I will contact the council at the beginning of next week, which means that I'm going to give you a little more time to think about this, if for no other reason than the panel you will be faced with will be merciless with you."

Looking at Alberta as she broke the quiet, I let her continue before interrupting.

"They will question your every motive and judge you at every turn. They have the ability to make what's left of your guarding career an absolute misery, no matter how good your track record is, Belikov."

"I understand all of that, Guardian Petrov, and I don't need any more time."

"I don't think you do, which is why I'm going to give you the time anyway. Just make sure you're ready."

"I will be, and…I'm sorry that I've disappointed you."

"Disappointment is a part of life. Granted, it isn't a part that I enjoy, but I don't get to choose. Hearing your plans and also realising that despite my warning, you hadn't taken it seriously, is a disappointment, Belikov, but I respect you more for coming to me now, rather than trying to hide your relationship later."

Crossing over to the upper campus, Alberta spoke but it was so quiet, I thought it was to herself. "You know, after watching you on the plane, I should have expected this, but I thought you knew better than to let your emotions get the better of you."

"I did…before I met Rose."

Glancing up at me in a way that said she would never look at me the same way again, Alberta pushed open the lobby door of housing and headed for her office as I followed a few paces behind. "Just remember what I told you…be prepared for the council."

"I will be. Thank you again."

"Don't thank me yet, Belikov. You've never had to face Hans Croft when he's angry – and guardians creating disruption in his schedule, is a particular pet hate." Opening the door, she slipped through and closed it behind her before I could reply.

Leaning my shoulder against the dark wooden panelling outside her office, I thought about facing Hans and his panel of the jury as he stood as judge and executioner, but it was something that couldn't worry about right now, not when everything that I wanted was almost within touching distance.