The following week was a hard one for both women. Olivia coped bravely with all the bureaucracy that came with her mother's sudden death and, with Alex's help, prepared for the funeral which was to take place the following Friday. She was aware that Melinda's involvement in her mother's autopsy had helped to speed up the process, and for that, she was grateful. She knew that her mother was no longer in her body, but the thought of her lying in the fridge in the morgue for a moment longer than absolutely necessary filled her with horror.
Alex watched sadly as her lover put on a brave face, even insisting on going to work. "What else would I do, Alex?" Olivia had asked her. "Sit around in the apartment, brooding? I'm better busy." Reluctantly, Alex had agreed with her. She was pleased to note that Olivia was doing all she could to stay healthy, and on top of things. She watched Olivia closely, and was glad when she saw her eating small, regular meals, even when she could see that she really did not want to.
What worried Alex above all was that Olivia did not seem to be facing up to things, emotionally. "You can always talk to me," she said to her gently, as she lay across from her in bed a couple of days after the death. "You don't have to be brave with me."
"I'm not being brave," Olivia admitted to her. "I'm just... numb. I don't know what to say. What to think. I should feel sadder. What sort of a daughter am I?"
"You have always been a good daughter, Liv," Alex said. "Everybody reacts differently."
"I feel like a cold-hearted bitch," Olivia whispered.
Alex reached out and stroked her soft cheek. "You trust me, right?"
Olivia nodded, miserably.
"Well trust me on this. You have the warmest heart of anyone I've ever met. And any problems in your relationship with your mother were her fault, not yours. Don't beat yourself up, Liv. And we're just going to take this one day at a time, okay?"
Olivia nodded again. "I'll be glad when it's over," she whispered.
"Just a few more days to the service," Alex said. "You need to take care of yourself rightnow."
"I'm trying to," Olivia said.
"I know, sweetheart," Alex replied. "I know. This is an awful time for you; the death of a parent, it's always shocking, whatever history you have. I was a mess when Daddy died. Don't put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way."
Olivia reached over and took her hand, holding it tight.
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"Sarah?" Alex saw her niece's face as she came home that Thursday night. "What's wrong?"
"I think she's throwing up," Sarah said, gesturing to the bathroom. "She's been in there for ages. I didn't want to go in... I called and she said she's alright, but she sounds awful Alex."
Alex put her hand on Sarah's shoulder. "It's the stress," she told her. "The funeral's tomorrow, and she's bottling it all up. Poor Olivia, she's trying so hard, but it's getting to her." Alex shrugged off her coat, dropped her briefcase and approached the bathroom door. She heard a low moan, and tapped on the door. "Liv?" she called softly. "I'm coming in."
"I'm okay," Olivia called weakly.
"I know," Alex replied. "I know." She tried the door handle, and was very relieved to find that Olivia hadn't locked the door. "I'm still coming in."
She saw her lover huddled on the cold tile floor, her face white as milk. "It's just dry heaves," Olivia said as Alex put a hand on her back. "I'm... oh God," she whimpered as she leaned over the bowl once more.
Alex held her lovingly. "You're freezing," she said gently. "Let me just..."
"I'll get a blanket," Sarah's concerned face appeared at the doorway. She returned a moment later, a warm blanket in her arms, which Alex took and tucked round Olivia. A few minutes later she was back again, holding a glass of water.
Alex nodded her thanks.
"I'm just in here if I can help," Sarah said, as she tactfully withdrew.
Olivia slumped in Alex's arms. "I don't feel good," she said thickly.
"I know, Liv," Alex said. "It's over now. Try and drink some of this," she held the glass to her lips. "Are you warming up now?"
"A bit," Olivia said. "Oh God, how am I going to get through tomorrow?"
"We'll get through it together," Alex said. "You don't have to do any of this on your own."
"I haven't even cried," Olivia said. "My mother's dead, and I can't even cry."
"You don't have to cry, Liv," Alex whispered, holding her tight. "You don't have to do anything. Do you think you're done now?" she gestured to the toilet.
"I think so," Olivia said weakly. Just being with Alex made her feel stronger.
Alex helped her to her feet, and guided her to the bedroom. She was touched to see that Sarah had pulled back the quilt on the bed and put a couple of hot water bottles in.
Within a few minutes, Olivia was changed and lying down. Alex smoothed the matted hair off her forehead and pressed a kiss against the skin. "I'll be right back," she promised.
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"Is she okay?" Sarah sounded worried.
"She will be," Alex replied. "Thank you," she put her hand on Sarah's arm.
"I wish I could help," Sarah said sadly.
"Me too," Alex said, and for the first time, Sarah could see the tension in her face. "She's trying so hard, she wants to be open with me. But she's bottled things up for so many years, she can't let it out. I'm frightened that this is going to wear away at her if she can't let go."
"She loves you," Sarah said.
"I know," Alex said. "Truly, I do. And it's not that she doesn't want to let me in. She just doesn't know how to. It's like when she was assaulted," she swallowed.
"When?" Sarah asked, appalled.
"A few months ago; in the line of duty. She saw a great therapist. It made all the difference. Maybe that's what she needs now."
"Maybe she only needs you," Sarah said softly, as she put a plate of dinner in front of Alex.
"She has me," Alex felt tears pricking at her eyes.
"Eat, and go to her," Sarah advised.
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As they drew up to the cemetery, Alex squeezed Olivia's hand. Olivia looked at her gratefully. They climbed out of the car, and were surprised and touched to see Elliot, Captain Cragen and Melinda and Rosie waiting for them.
The service was short, and the small party then gathered at the graveside as the coffin was lowered in. "She insisted on burial," Olivia said to Alex. "Don't let them bury me. I want to be cremated," she looked Alex straight in the eye. "Promise me."
Alex squeezed her hand. "I promise," she said.
Once the short burial service was completed, the mourners melted away, leaving just Olivia and Alex standing by the graveside. Olivia was rigid with tension, and her grip on Alex's fingers fierce. It was a cool August morning, and Alex shivered slightly in the cold air. Olivia didn't seem to notice the temperature, her eyes fixed somewhere in the middle distance, unfocused but unblinking. "I'm sorry," Olivia whispered after an interminable twenty minutes. "I'm so sorry Mom," a single tear tracked down her cheek.
"She's really gone," Olivia's voice trembled.
"Yes, she has, baby," Alex said softly.
"I'll never see her again," Olivia said. "I'll... oh God," she gulped. Tears fell unbidden down her cheeks and she started to sob. Her knees buckled, and Alex held tight to her as she slid to the ground. Her body was wracked with gut-wrenching sobs; Alex had never seen somebody in such misery. She cradled her like a small child, whispering reassuringly to her as she wept.
Part of Alex hated that her lover was suffering so dreadfully, but in the back of her mind, she recognized that Olivia at last was letting go some of the anguish that had plagued her since she had heard about her mother's death. So the weeping was a type of cleansing for her.
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"She's sleeping?" Sarah asked.
"Yeah," Alex ran a hand through her blonde hair.
"And how are you?" Sarah wanted to know.
"I'm just glad it's over," Alex said. "And I think she'll be okay now. And she's agreed to see the doctor on Monday, just to check everything's okay. She says she feels fine, and I think that's the truth. Now the stress is over."
"Eat some lunch," Sarah passed her aunt a plate. "Don't forget you need to take care of yourself too."
"Thanks," Alex said. "You're sweet."
After eating, Sarah left the apartment to get to the last two hours of lectures, and Alex decided to join Olivia. As she slid gratefully between the sheets, she looked down at her lover, relieved to see that she was sleeping peacefully, her face devoid of the tension that she had been showing for the last week. Olivia murmured in her sleep, and unconsciously reached out for Alex, smiling slightly as she snuggled into her.
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"You're looking better," Alex said when she awoke early that evening. "Have you been awake long?"
Olivia shook her head. "Ten minutes," she replied. "And I feel good. I was just watching you sleep," she said, feeling a little foolish.
Alex grinned. She, in turn, loved to watch Olivia sleep. "Like what you see?" she teased.
Olivia nodded. "You're so beautiful," she whispered. "Skin like porcelain," she traced her finger down Alex's soft cheek. "You make me so happy," she said, smiling at the soppiness of her words.
"You make me happy too, Olivia. More than that; I feel complete, at last. There was always something missing before," Alex said. "With you, I'm me. You must think I'm crazy."
Olivia laughed. "We all know you're crazy, Alex."
Alex was thrilled with the return of Olivia's bantering tone, and the smile that graced her lips. For too long now, Olivia's face had betrayed only pain.
Olivia smiled lovingly at Alex. "I'm only ever me when I'm with you too, Lex."
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"Everything looks good, Olivia," the doctor said. "Your blood pressure is a little high, but that's only to be expected with all the stress you've been under. Come back in a week's time and have it checked again, okay?"
Olivia nodded.
You're due a scan in three weeks anyway," the doctor continued. "How about we do one now?"
Alex smiled and nodded excitedly. "If you want to Liv?"
Olivia agreed. She was nervous, knowing that you can never take the health of a fetus for granted, but she knew a positive outcome at this stage would help her greatly to settle.
"Do you want to know the sex?" the doctor asked. "If we can tell? It's not always obvious until 18 or 20 weeks."
"No!" Olivia replied firmly. "Unless you want to know, Alex?" she turned to her lover.
Alex shook her head. "I'd like it to be a a surprise," she said, surprising herself with her reaction. She had always imagined she would want to know.
Olivia tried not to gasp as the cold gel was applied.
"We really should keep this in a warmer place," the doctor smiled. After a few minutes, she smiled again. She pointed to the screen. "It's all looking good, everything's where it should be. You want to meet your baby?" she pointed at the screen.
Olivia gazed in wonderment. She had seen endless scans, from friends, from the tv, in movies. But this baby was in her belly. It was part of her. It was part of them, she thought. "Look Alex," she turned to Alex, and was shocked to see tears streaming down her face.
Alex was completely overcome. She had not expected to feel so strongly, but the sight of their baby, moving around on the screen, was overwhelming. The more she tried to remain composed, the harder it was.
Olivia reached out and took her hand. "Are you okay, Alex?" she asked softly.
Alex could only nod, unable to speak.
"You want a print-out of this?" the doctor asked.
"Yes please," Olivia replied, her gaze still fixed on her lover.
The doctor smiled. "I'll do you two copies," she said. "So you can have one each."
"Thank you," Alex was at last able to speak, but the tears continued to fall.
Olivia got re-dressed, and turned to Alex. She took both of her hands. "Hey, Alex," her tone was gentle. "What's all this about?"
Alex sniffed and gazed at Olivia as if she were the most wondrous thing she had ever seen. "You. This," she replied, none-too coherently. "There's a person in there," she laid her hand across Olivia's belly. "A whole person."
Olivia grinned. "A small person," she teased lightly.
"I just... I never thought this would happen. Not for me. I thought... My mother always told me I would be an outcast. I'd never have a family of my own. But I have," she said, a little defiantly. "A real family. Even without the baby, I've still got a family. One that matters to me more than anything. You're my family, Liv."
"And Sarah," Olivia reminded her mildly. "And Graham and Carla and the kids."
Alex nodded happily. "Nobody can judge us. We're just as capable of making families."
"I know, Alex," Olivia said gently. "And this baby is going to make us even stronger as a family. We're going to love being moms."
