Title: Want Ads
Date: 6 August, 2009
Words: 719
Characters: Yamamoto, Soi Fong, Gin, Kira, Unohana, Isane, Hanataro, Aizen, Hinamori, Byakuya, Renji, Komamura, Iba, Kyouraku, Nanao, Tousen, Hisagi, Rangiku, Toshiro, Yachiru, Zaraki, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Ukitake.
Pairings: Rangiku & Toshiro, Gin & Aizen, Kira & Hinamori, Ukitake & Soi Fong, Unohana & Zaraki, Ichigo & Rukia, Renji & Shuuhei, Byakuya & Yachiru, Kyouraku & Nanao. Others may be derived and applied as you see fit.
Summary: Want Ads found in the Seireitei newspaper. Does no one read these?
Inspiration: No idea. Just something that popped in my head.
Rating: PG to PG-13, depending on your viewpoint.

A/N: Set anytime, really. May be some appearances of people from all timelines. Pure crack, I'm sure. 8-) Just a modicum of Want Ads I though you might find, though. I'm thinking about a 'follow-up' chapter to see the aftermath of these. What do you think?

Please enjoy and review!!!
-Rachel Noelle

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

WANTED: Evil Minions. Must be willing to follow orders or suffer near-death and death as punishments. See Ichimaru Taichou for more information.

SEEKING MALE. Talk, dark, and handsome? Matsumoto Rangiku is looking for someone to accompany her to the next festival. Short, White/Blonde, and Cute need not apply. One is enough. Please contact whenever I am not at the office or Taichou's home.

LOOKING for more than this droll, boring, everyday work? Want a hand in the overthrowing of the universe? Would you like to sit upon the right hand of your new god? Then come apply with Aizen Taichou. Be a member of something greater. Help take over the world!

ATTENTION: All males foolish enough to answer Matsumoto Fukutaicho's ad. You will suffer a very cold and icy punishment. –Hitsugaya Taichou

OFFICIANT needed for Civil Union Ceremony between Aizen Taichou and Ichimaru Taichou. Please apply with Kira Fukutaicho or Hinamori Fukutaicho.

CIVIL UNION Ceremony for Aizen Taichou and Ichimaru Taichou August 16, 6:00 pm. All are invited to attend. Please RSVP with Matsumoto Fukutaicho.

HINAMORI MOMO: I love you! Why can't you see this?! I, Kira Izuru, have loved you since our first day in class together. Aizen Taichou is not the one for you. He's marrying another man, for crying out loud! Please, my little sugar bear, come home to me! I want to [The remainder of this ad has been edited to conserve approximately 17 pages] Please marry me! –Kira

OPENING SOON: The squad members of divisions Three, Five, and Nine are seeking applicants for new Taichos. Please apply with the respective divisions or with Yamamoto Soutaicho.

BYAKUSHI, BYAKUN. I love you, but it's too soon. I'm too young, and you're too old. Otherwise, my sheets wouldn't be cold. But when the day comes, and so do you, I'm sure you will find you're no longer blue. I'll make you happy, and make you smile, when I'm old enough to carry your child. This is a promise for our future so true. One day when I'm not too young, I'll marry you! –Yachiru

WANTED: Someone to take over paperwork for Division Eight. Paying handsomely. I need to teach my Nanao-chan how to have some real fun! Apply with Kyouraku Taichou.

KUSAJISHI Fukutaicho, in response to your posting these previous four weeks, you're not too young. You're never too young. –Kuchiki Taichou

FOR RENT: Single bed apartment in Fukutaicho Quarters. Moving. Contact Matsumoto Rangiku or Hitsugaya Taicho for more information.

HISAGI SHUUHEI, please meet me at the Bella Cantina Friday at seven. I'll be the one with red hair. –Your Secret Admirer.

ABARAI RENJI, please meet me at the Bella Cantina Friday at seven. I'll be the one with the tattoos. –Your Secret Admirer.

BYAKUYA – I'm asking permission to date your sister. I'd do it in person, but those little blades hurt like hell. –Ichigo

QUINCY SEEKS position with Shinigami. Don't inform my father. Please contact Ishida Uryuu with any opportunities. Limited time only: Two-for-One package! Quincy and Healer with God-like powers.

SINGLE, WHITE-HEADED male seeks single black-haired female. Stealth skills, nimbleness, and bee-sting quick skills preferred. Please contact Ukitake Taichou.

TEST SUBJECTS WANTED. May be subjected to pain, suffering, and near-death or death experiences. Apply in Division Twelve.

CAN YA FIGHT? Then Eleventh Division wants ya! Talk to Zaraki Taichou to join up.

KITSUNE MALE seeks like female. Please contact Iba fukutaicho for more information.

UNOHANA TAICHO seeks Zaraki Taicho. Apparently strong, muscular men really turn her on. She promises it will be "more fun than slaying seventeen Menos before breakfast when you get to bed with me." Although we shall refrain from any opinions, we are terrified that our Taichou has begun speaking like this. Zaraki Taichou, please contact Kotetsu Isane or Yamada Hanataro.

ASSISTANTS needed for universe takeover. See Tousen Taichou for more information. Justice will prevail!

STEALTH FORCE, bring me Ukitake Taichou. Juushiro, I will teach you to leave me just when it's getting good! –Soi Fong

YAMAMOTO is actively seeking someone else to declare a traitor and sentence to death upon contact. Please apply within.

IF I PROMISE not to kill ya, will ya join up wit' me an' Aizen Taichou ta take over the world? –Gin

NEEDED: New feathers and hair wax. Contact Madarame Ikkaku or Ayasegawa Yumichika with your prices.