Love Goes On

Chapter 29: The gender of Sheke's baby

There have been a hundred and two weeks since Caleb died and the war ended. One hundred and twenty-six weeks since my parents died and the war started. One hundred and thirty-three weeks since I chose Dauntless. Ninety-nine weeks since Christina got pregnant. Ninety-six weeks since my mental breakdown. Seventy-seven weeks since I got engaged. Seventy-three weeks since Shauna got unparalysed and engaged to Zeke. Sixty-nine weeks since my fight with Christina. Sixty-four weeks since we made up and she gave birth to her daughter. Fifty-nine weeks since I started babysitting her daughter four times a week (but I am not doing that anymore since she goes to nursery now). Twenty-five weeks since Tobias and I got married. Twenty-four weeks since we came home from our honeymoon. Twenty-one weeks since we found out I was pregnant. Twenty weeks since Shauna and Zeke got married… Sixteen weeks since I had a miscarriage. Fifteen weeks since Tobias and I started trying for a baby. Eight week since Shauna and Zeke announced they were pregnant.

I'm still not pregnant.

Shauna still is pregnant. And she's finding out the gender today.

Tobias is still an amazing husband.

I'm still upset, angry, lost, and crazy.

Everyone else is still helping me.

Everyone else is still happy.

I'm happy too, I mean I'm married to the love of my life and I have a great family. But everything else is not happy.

I just want things to get better.

I would be twenty-five weeks pregnant now if it weren't for the miscarriage. We would be choosing names after finding out the gender and planning the nursery. We would be happier.

I am sitting on the sofa right now, wearing some black leggings and one of Tobias' black jumpers, my hair in a messy bun. My knees are pulled up to my chest and my arms are wrapped round them. Tobias is in the kitchen making breakfast.

I am just staring at the wall. Blankly.

"Tris." I hear Tobias call my name.

I turn my head and see him standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah. Just thinking. Is breakfast done?"

"Yeah."

I stand and make my way to the kitchen, smiling at my husband and placing a kiss on his cheek as I enter. We sit at the table and eat the lovely meal he has concocted. As we do we talk about random things.

Evelyn has moved out now. She found her own place a few weeks ago but she comes around pretty much every day, to make sure we are okay.

"Are you sure you're okay, Tris?" Tobias asks as we are eating.

It is then that I realise that I was staring at the plate in front of me, picking at my food.

I look at him and see the sadness and love in his eyes. And the worry. I'm the one who made him sad. I'm the one who made him worry. It's my fault we're not as happy as we should be. It's my fault we lost our baby. Everything is my fault. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. Someone who will just keep upsetting him. How can he still love me? How can he still want to be with me? How?

I speed out of the apartment and just run. I have no idea where I'm running to. And I know he is chasing after me because I can hear him calling my name.

But when I find myself in a dead end corridor with nowhere to turn, that is when I crumble. I drag myself into the corner and just sob into my knees.

I hear him sit down next to me and he pulls me into his arms.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry we can't be happy. I'm sorry I've ruined your life. I don't know how you can still love me. I'm sorry I keep upsetting you. Everything is my fault. You'd be better off without me…" I keep muttering things until he stops me.

"Tris, I love you because you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I am happy, I mean, I'm sad because of everything that has happened recently but I'm happy that I get to spend those moments, and the rest of my life, with you. You haven't ruined my life. And nothing is your fault. It's all Jeanine's fault. She started the war that made you have PTSD, which lead to everything else. But we'll be okay. I promise. And I certainly wouldn't be better off without you. You mean the world to me, Tris. I love you so much. I love you more than anything. And no matter what happens I am going to be here, for you. I promise. Because I love you."

"I love you, too." I mutter.

He kisses the top of my head and we stay like that for about ten minutes before making our way back to the apartment to get ready for Shauna's and Zeke's gender reveal party. Something which I am both excited for and dreading.

"It's a boy." Shauna says and everyone, except Tobias and I, start cheering, and clapping, and asking questions.

Tobias and I congratulate them with small smiles on our faces but that's all we can manage and they understand. They know we're happy for them, but they also know we're still grieving.

We stay for another few hours, them all discussing the baby whilst Tobias and I remain relatively quiet, talking occasionally but not too often.

Tobias and I are the first to leave. We walk home in silence, our fingers intertwined.

And when we arrive home we try for a baby, again.

Hiya, I am so sorry for the wait, again. But I have been in so much pain recently. But I'm going to the hospital next week and we might be able to come up with a solution, which may take a few months to fulfill but we'll get there eventually. It might mean me having another operation but so long as it makes me feel better I don't really care.

Anyways, I will try and update soon but I have a week to finish my music video for media but after that is done I should be able to update more often.

Please review!