A/N I put 'Durryl' in this story because I liked the idea of Merle and Daryl knowing Madsen's group before the outbreak. Especially, with Merle's drug habits. I also liked the idea of Daryl working as one of Madsen's employees at the shop. With that being said, other than a little side fic with RM and Daryl I wrote, I am not too familiar with writing him so I'm sure he'll be out of character. I know how people get about Daryl, lol. There's some foreshadowing in this chapter.
Lalochezia (n.) the emotional relief gained from using abusive or profane language.
Things, well… they haven't been so good. I've been skipping school a lot because I'm having a lot of withdrawals lately. I don't understand because I've been sober for so long. I'm so fucking stressed right now. Negan has been really mopey lately so I feel like I've lost my friend. He tells me it's nothing but I know him and it's not fucking nothing. I finally manage to get my ass out of bed after a few days because even I think it's gross how bad I smell. My eyes widen when I come around the corner and see Madsen and Negan talking.
"You never told him, RM?" Madsen seems more betrayed than anything.
I don't understand. What have I fucking done wrong now? "Told him about fucking what?!"
Madsen looks back at Negan and sighs. He tells Negan every-fucking-thing that happened between us at the barber shop, then apologizes. Telling Negan it was a moment of weakness and it will never happen again.
"Stop it," I tell Madsen.
"RM, who are you!? That was over a month ago and you never told Negan?"
"Yeah, you never told me," Negan tries to play along like he's upset.
All of this could fucking be solved if I just told Madsen the truth about Negan and me. I'm just not ready. I don't really know what to fucking do.
"You don't have anything to say?"
"Fuck you," I scream at Madsen, rushing to my room. I'm not crying over this shit because this is my own fucking fault to begin with. I've created this mess, and it's only going to continue to be like this until I set things straight.
"RM," Negan frowns, closing my door behind him. "You have to tell Madsen we're not together. That poor fuck's face. Christ."
"I don't want his pity!"
"It's not pity, RM. He loves you. How is that fucking pity?"
"You just don't understand, okay?"
"No," he shakes his head. "I don't understand, and you better fucking figure it out because it's only a matter of time before he realizes where you're sleeping at night." Negan hits his head on the pipe in my room on the way out. "Fucking goddamn shit.. you fucking tell him, RM. Or I will. I'm not going to be put in the middle. Woman the fuck up."
This is only the beginning of the fuckery that ensues. Not only does my relationship with Madsen crumble, but it does with Negan, too. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Especially Negan. Every time I try to talk to Negan, he ignores me. As far as Madsen goes, he won't look at me if I even see him. I fear that Madsen's not long for Sanctuary. If he leaves, Charlie and Dominic will follow him and it will leave Specs torn as to what side he should be on. Then when Specs does decide to go, I really will be alone. "How much?" I ask the man who has been selling the heroin.
"We can make other arrangements," he grins sickly, pulling me to him as his hands start to touch me in several places.
I think about how these stockings aren't ripped and how that is my only real leg to stand on. When he yanks open the button on my pants, I shove him off me.
"What the fuck?"
I run from his room and all the way up to the parlor. I'm so disgusted with myself that I had this moment of weakness. "Is Negan home yet?"
Lady Aberlin just stares at me blankly. "Home? He hasn't come out of his room in three days."
Three days?
"He doesn't eat or sleep. He was," she lowers her voice, "crying last night. It was pretty tough to listen to. Every time I try to go in there, he just yells at me to get out."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"He said he doesn't want to see you, and he said that if you come to the parlor we're to ask you to leave."
"Then why aren't you asking me to leave?"
"Because I think he needs you but is too proud to ask for you. Negan was always in a better place with you here. The way his eyes lit up. The way he lit up. Ever since you've moved out, he doesn't want anything to do with us."
"Are you going to get in trouble if I go in there?"
"I was in the shower," she smiles, stepping into the bathroom and closing it behind her.
Goddamn, I like her. I carefully open Negan's door. It's completely dark in there except from the glow of the embers in the fireplace. I take in a sharp breath and shut the door. Oh my fucking god. That was the saddest shit I've ever seen. Negan attempted to recreate another Lucille. But in some fit, I assume, he broke version 2.0. There's fucking blood everywhere from the barbed wire. Half of the bat is what's burning in the fireplace. This is about the time that Lucille died. I remember that from a couple years back when he told me. Negan said that Dwight had real Lucille and Dwight is in some fucking place called Alexandria. Well, looks like I'm going to Alexandria.
...
Yes! Simon. "Simon, will you tell me where Alexandria is?"
"Don't even think of going there, because you're not."
"Look, just because you're my dad doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do."
"That's exactly what dads do," he laughs.
"Whatever, I gotta get Lucille back to Lord dingus here or it's going to be the rest of our lives with this cry-baby bullshit."
"I can't go there RM."
"That's fine, draw me a map thing. I'm going."
"I don't want anything to happen to you."
"We're all fighting for something, Simon. Negan has saved my life so many times. Let me save his. If I don't bring Lucille home, I don't know if Negan will ever be the same."
Simon sighs and draws me a map. "I can buy you about a two-minute window to sneak out. You'll have to go on foot because they'll notice if the trucks are gone. The walk should take you about six hours. Leave first thing in the morning, get the bat, then hurry back and you should be nearing the gates right at sundown."
"Thank you, Simon."
He seems troubled and he's reluctant to give me the map.
"I'll bring Dominic and Cheeto with me."
"RM, be careful, please."
"I will. I'm always careful!" I trip on the way out of his room and rip my soft legs at the knee. "Fuck!"
"Always?"
Bad fucking example. Ugh!
This plan is as ridiculous as it is to explain it. I show Dominic and Cheeto Simon's map thing so they can see how serious I am.
"Might finally get to kill someone."
"No killing," I snap at Cheeto. "Only get the essentials because we have to travel on foot. And rubbers aren't essentials," I tell Dominic who is already digging in his duffle bag.
"Look," he huffs, "not everyone has a clog in their drain if you know what I mean."
"You know, if I got offended easily that would piss me right the fuck off. And if you want to get technical, I don't even have the sink to have a clog."
"Sorry," he frowns. "That was pretty insensitive."
"Plumbing aside, ladies," I start. "It only takes a few hours so we'll be there in plenty of time to get Lucille and head back before dark."
"She hot?" Dominic raises his eyebrows up and down.
"She's a bitch."
"What does she look like?"
"A brunette." I had to tell these fuckers we were actually bringing back a person named Lucille and not a goddamn baseball bat or they'd never agree. Even then, we don't know how easily Dwight is going to give her up. We're almost out of the clear but as luck would have it.
"Charlie," Madsen calls.
Great. Not him. How the fuck did he even catch us?
The two talk briefly before Madsen is, apparently, joining us.
Fucking awesome. I don't know how this day can get any worse, and ten fucking minutes in and I've already had enough.
"Mad," Dominic calls.
"Dominic, do not make me add another broken bone to your roster," Madsen snarls.
"Madsen, stop threatening him," I snap. "He's not going to fight you. You want to be mad at me, I understand. I hurt you. But don't throw away twenty years of friendship. Dominic is loyal to you, and he always has been. You can't be mad at Dominic for fucking me but give Negan some free pass and volunteer to get Lucille. It don't make no fucking sense."
"I'm not here to retrieve sports equipment. I'm here to make sure that I'm not going to have to bury anyone tonight."
"When you say it like that, it's so endearing."
"Keep running that mouth, girl."
"I wish you never came with," I scream, running away from him and right into an undead. I use that tripping thing that PM showed me so the undead topples over. I let out a scream when Madsen fires at the undead. "What the fuck!? I had everything under control!"
Madsen gives me a glare as he puts a bullet into its skull just to be a fuckhead.
"Fucking asshole. You didn't have to kill him!"
"They're not people, RM. Move. All of you."
My eyes well up as I stare down at the undead that was killed for no fucking reason.
Cheeto covers the undead with a hand full of leaves. "Sorry, kiddo."
"I hate him!"
"Madsen can be, uh. Well, a dick. I know Mad and he's just hurtin' right now. He'll get over it, RM, but you need to give him time to get over it. The more you poke the bull, the worst it's gonna get. Trust me. You're lucky because you've never seen that side of him but it ain't somethin' you want to fuck with."
"I ain't' scared of him."
"You will be once he shows that side, and there ain't no goin' back after that."
"I don't know how to fix this."
"You don't fix this. You let it take its course. Don't even acknowledge him. You'll get farther ignorin' him than you will screamin' this bullshit about how you hate him which we all know doesn't have a bit of truth to it. Christ, you two are fuckin' ridiculous with this shit. Makes me wanna fuckin' drink."
Wait a second. He's not drinking? Come to think of it, I haven't seen him take a drink in I don't know how long. "Did you quit for Birdie?"
"No. I mean, she doesn't like it when I drink, but I had a seizure the other day."
"I didn't know that you were sick."
"That's the thing, RM. Everyone is so involved with their own self, who would?"
"Does Madsen know?"
"He's the one who found me."
Damn. Madsen's got a lot on his mind I guess. I step closer to Cheeto and wrap my arms around him. "I'm sorry."
"Let go," he chuckles.
"I just want you to know that you're important to me. I know I was a lot to look after."
"You're family. That's just what we do for each other."
As I let go of him, I start to wonder if maybe I should tell Madsen on this walk about me and Negan. I don't want Madsen to get to a point where there is no coming back. I try to catch up with his long strides until I'm almost at his side when out of the bushes steps familiarity.
"RM?!"
I take a step closer. I don't believe my fucking eyes. Of course his ass is still alive. "Durryl?"
Daryl was anything but affectionate when I knew him, but his arms wrap around me as he bows his head against my shoulder.
"Look at that. The runt of the litter survived," Dominic snickers.
"Best watch your mouth," Daryl snaps.
Those two always hated each other. Dominic thought he was a shitty mechanic.
I grab Daryl by the arm and turn him around. "Are you shitting me? You're still wearing that smelly vest?"
Daryl grabs some of my hair and holds that out. "You still need a wash."
"Whatever, bitch. I'm just seasoned."
He laughs, wiping his muddy fingers down my cheek.
"Gross! I wish those wings on your vest would fly your ass away."
"Ten years later and nothin' changes. They're still bitchin' at each other." Charlie holsters his gun.
"Where's Merle," Madsen asks.
Daryl's eyes sink as he shakes his head side to side.
"I'm sorry," I frown, rubbing his arm.
"It is what it is."
"Daryl, I'm looking for Dwight. I know you've seen him."
"I can't help you," Daryl says. "You need to talk to Rick."
"Who is Rick?"
"Rick Grimes."
"Rick Grimes?" I get my answer when we make it to Alexandria and this fuckhead Grimes shoots Madsen mistaking him for Negan. Oh, fuck. RIP, Rick Grimes. Damn, that fucker is a sheriff, too. You think he'd be smarter than that.
Madsen doesn't play well with the law and levels Rick out cold with one brutal punch.
As angry as I am with Madsen, my heart sinks when his shirt stains red. This is turning out to be a fuck show. I give Daryl a glare. "That asshole just shot Madsen for no fucking reason!"
When Rick comes to, he reaches for his gun only Madsen is smart enough to take his weapons while the dick was unconscious.
Things get heated way too fast. Everyone is shouting and arguing, but the fact remains that Rick shot Madsen for no reason other than he thought he looked like Negan. "Fine fucking fine police work. This how they do things in fucksville?"
Madsen puts his Desert Eagle right in Rick's face and his knee against his throat. He never had any appreciation for the law.
"Enough," Daryl shouts.
Oh, damn, that's a first because this stoic fuck usually mumbles.
Now that Madsen has established he's king dick, he lets Rick go but keeps Rick's gun. The size difference between Madsen and Rick is a fucking joke. Like Madsen got Rick out of a glass prize machine. "One of your men have something of ours. Fetch it for me or point me in the direction of Dwight, then, maybe," Madsen waves the gun, "I'll return this to you."
Rick narrows his eyes as he leans in some. "Fetch it?"
I cower a bit towards Charlie when Madsen folds his arms.
His sternum popping. His teeth grinding. "Is English not your first language? I'm fluent in sixteen others."
"I speak English just fine, and we're getting off on the wrong foot."
"I'm not here to make friends, Rick Grimes."
Yeah! Get him, Madie!
"Rick," a calming voice starts as he grabs Rick by the arm before shit gets uglier.
PM! Oh my god! I thought I'd never see that cute cheeto again.
The two speak briefly for a minute before Rick returns to Madsen. "Dwight is on a supply run with some of the others. He should be back before sundown."
"And," PM tells Rick.
"...and… the infirmary is this way," Rick mumbles.
"PM," I smile, standing at his feet.
He starts to laugh. "Hello again."
"RM. Remember? RPM!"
"Trust me, I didn't forget."
I knew he wouldn't.
"This way," PM invites us and takes us inside their infirmary.
Madsen refuses medical help and tells them he'll do it. Not that it surprises me.
PM is kind enough to invite us to lunch with them, though I'm sure that's going to be awkward as fuck. Either way, I'm pretty hungry.
I wait until the room is clear to look up at Madsen. "Are you okay?"
"Yes."
Asking him was probably a dumb question. I know he wouldn't admit to me if he was in pain. But at least he knows that I'm concerned about him. "Do you need me to help you?"
"No."
I just walk out because my feelings are getting hurt.
Lunch is so fucking boring. Just a bunch of how do you know Daryl? How do I know PM? Did you know Merle? Blah blah blah. I hate the food they have here. It stinks. Guess it doesn't matter. I don't have any gloves-
"Here, RM. I got these from the infirmary." Madsen sets the gloves down for me.
My heart beats faster when I see the gloves.
"I, uh. I also got you some alien food," he stammers, setting the tray down.
"Thank you," I blush. "Hey, how did you know?"
"In the cafeteria one morning you were talking to Negan about it."
The gesture is simple, yet means so much. However, eating the olives are another story. "Ugh, it tastes like a balloon."
He steals one from my plate. "I don't think these are good, RM. How about you just eat these over here."
Figures. His food actually looks good. A nice rare steak. Well, two of them actually. He didn't get anything else to eat. I close my eyes and briefly set my head on his arm. I miss him so fucking much. I miss our diner. Our home. If I stay like this for too long against him, I know I won't be strong enough to leave. I get up from the table and wander out on my own after I force my olives down.
"Got any cheese chips?"
Whoa! How did he get so fucking tall? Damn, last time I saw Carl he was just a little kid. Can't I be taller than anyone?! "Well a fucking hi to you, too, skully. And, no. I wish I did because the olives you have here suck."
He narrows his eye. "We don't have olives here."
Then what the fuck did I just eat? Whatever, it doesn't matter.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to see how the other side lives."
"Bullshit," he dismisses me.
I ain't telling Carl shit. I don't trust anyone anymore these days. Plus, I'm not really all that intimidating like Madsen is. Fucker just had to fold his arms and it was fucking done. After Carl realizes I'm not giving up shit, he leaves me be.
I walk around this stupid fake bullshit town until I see Daryl outside on one of the porches. "What are you doing, Durryl?" I plop down between his legs because I don't like being ignored. That doesn't get his attention so I pick at some of the loose string on his pants. "What did you think when you saw Negan for the first time?"
"What his head would look like on our front gates."
"Liar. You know you were thinking it was Madsen."
"Them two look nothin' alike."
I roll my eyes. "Whatever. Even Simon thought they looked alike."
"Simon was always high back in the day. Does he even know where he is right now?"
"I think Negan and Madsen look somewhat alike."
"Ain't you high, too?"
Whatever, I'm not the only one. I dig into my pocket and show him my sobriety coin. "This was for six months sober."
"Everyone is sober now. Big deal."
I stuff it back down in my pocket. Drugs are worse now than ever. I don't know where he's living. Some bullshit fairytale with these fucking houses. They probably got maids. Wha… "Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Daryl, take care of your goddamn Red Wings. Those were good boots Madsen gave you that you've let fall to fuck."
"I've been a little preoccupied."
"I guess you're right. You can't even bathe, why would you take care of boots?"
Daryl pulls me into his arms.
"Oh, god, no, why?!"
It makes him laugh, like the times when Merle would be so fucked up so we'd try to mess with him even more. He reaches down and ties my boot for me.
I stop fighting him because the gesture is nice. Despite us always bitching at each other, Daryl was always good to me. "Remember when you'd read to me?"
"I'd try to, but you'd keep pointin' at all the boobs and laughin' at 'em."
"Well, boobs are funny."
"You just never grew up, did you?"
"Not if growing up means being a fucking grouch like you!"
"Some of us had no choice but to grow up, RM," he starts, standing up from the porch. "We didn't have people lookin' after us."
What the fuck is he implying? Ugh. "Guess you'll be off to your nearest trash can, smelly."
"Yeah. I best be."
He used to be fun. Now he's just a fucking- Oh god. What the fuck? I grab my stomach. "Ugh. Fuck." Shit, I almost shit. That's better, it passed. Maybe it was just gas. Oh! Dwight! I speed down their street and catch him as he comes out of the trucks.
"RM?!"
"We need to talk."
"I'm a little busy right now."
"Make some fucking time, Dwight. You fucking owe me."
"I don't owe you or Negan a goddamn thing," he berates, slamming the truck door.
"You might not owe Negan but you owe me. When you betrayed Negan, those Saviors took me into the basement and raped me for two fucking years, man. I've come for restitution. So go suck Rick Grimes off or whatever you have to do and bring me Lucille."
"RM, I didn't know-"
"Save it. Get me Lucille." I don't trust Dwight so I follow him.
"Are you okay… after… well-"
"Would you be okay," I mock him. "Look, I don't want to talk about it."
"Did you walk here by yourself?" He takes out his keys and opens his front door.
"Yes and no. I found my friends and I found uh. I mean, you don't know him but he was my uh. I never told you but…"
"That guy... the one you lost. I remember when we use to mess around."
"Yeah, him," I smile.
Dwight goes on to tell me why he did what he did.
He was my friend, so I'm respectful and listen to him but the truth is… our paths will never cross again after this. I tell him thank you for my aliens and he hands me Lucille in return. I'm a little surprise he handed her over so easily. Maybe he felt bad for me. Maybe he just needed to let go of the past.
"Take care of yourself, RM."
By the time this fuck show comes to an end, I'm exhausted. Even worse, there's no way we're making it back to Sanctuary. And my stomach is hurting again.
PM lets us stay in one of the houses.
Madsen is skeptical but he knows it's better than trying to make it back on foot.
"This house is real motherfucking nice," I comment. Like Madsen's before it burnt down.
"Is that your stomach," Dominic laughs.
"Is that your face? Get out of my way, I need to shit." I speed towards the doors to try and find the bathroom in this motherfucker.
...
So I've been on this porcelain fuckery for almost an hour but I am still so fucking sick. My ass is numb. It feels like I'm dying. Fuck. I'm dying. I know I am. I hope someone has the decency to take care of Chonsey for me.
"RM?" Madsen steps into the bathroom concerned.
"They've poisoned us. Save yourself, man." Fuck, I gotta vomit again!
"It wasn't on purpose. A lot of the men here are sick from the fruits and vegetables." He wets a rag, draping it over the back of my neck.
"My chili ring is on fire!" I hurl into the toilet. "Oh, fuck," I cough. "I'm going to shit on these stockings." I'm so fucking sick, I'm not thinking about my stockings around my ankles and my hip scars exposed. Or the vomit in my hair and on my arms. "Why," I gag, puking again. I feel a soft tug on my hair before it's all put back in a makeshift ponytail.
Madsen rubs my back while holding my hair up.
"Oh, that feels- hnng-" I barely spin around and make it on the toilet, then throw up on my lap. Oh, shit fuck, not again. Round two. "Fuck! It feels like my rusty donut is giving birth to bees! Those buzzing cockshitters!"
"RM," Madsen starts, but just begins laughs.
Oh, come on! I'm not in enough fucking agony and now I gotta stare at two flawless rows of fuck me perfection? I haven't heard him laugh since before everything went east. Or west or whatever fucking direction is the fucking fucked one. My body is so weak, I can barely keep myself up.
...
"Take another small sip."
This water is making me miserable, and before long I return to the bathroom. Between one of my routine trips, I hear Madsen and Cheeto outside the door.
"See what you can scrape up but she needs an IV. She's too dehydrated, and she's still way too underweight for her body to try and lose another ten pounds from this."
"These people won't help us, Mad."
"Charlie, do something or she will die. I can't leave her side, she's too weak."
"Or maybe you just couldn't forgive yourself if somethin' happened to her while you were out lookin'. Think about that the next time you let your pride get in the way."
"I didn't ask for your goddamn sermon!" Something is knocked over and breaks when it hit the floor.
I cover my ears with a whimper because Cheeto was right. I don't like this side of Madsen. It scares the absolute fuck out of me. You don't hear him lose his temper, and surely not yelling profanity. I'd lock the door if I had the strength to stand. I flinch when I'm touched.
Madsen drops to one knee. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear me talking."
"I just heard something break," I lie.
"Charlie," Madsen calls.
"What?" Cheeto says through the wall.
"Nothing." Madsen's eyes locked on mine. "Just heard something break?"
"Okay, o-fucking-kay, man, fuck! What do you want me to say? That you're fucking scaring me with your temper."
"Because I'm scared, goddammit! I can't throw money at this problem, RM. I can't bury someone behind a rest stop because they're harassing you. There is nothing that I can do to help you right now and it fucking terrifies me." He sighs and bows his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to swear in front of you."
I see the panicked look on his face and it makes me worry, too. Am I going to die? "Madie, I don't want to die."
"Baby, just keep drinking. You have to replenish your fluids. RM?" Madsen tilts his head. "RM, look at me." He touches his fingers to my neck. "RM, open your eyes."
When I open my eyes, I'm on the floor in the living room of that house. Something stings in the crook of my elbow. Like when Mama used to give me heroin. "No, I don't want this," I whine disoriented and grab at the needle.
"RM, leave it alone. It's fluid," Madsen tells me.
I feel like I'm in a dream after that. Madsen keeps shouting. Even Dominic looks concerned. Is there something they're not telling me? Am I dying?
Madsen tilts me on my side when I start to vomit again.
"Her blood pressure is too low, Mad," Cheeto says.
Madsen hangs his head and I feel his tears on my arm.
This is the worst pain I have ever been in. I don't know if my little bones can take much more. "...it hurts," I faintly tell Madsen.
"I know it does, baby." He wipes the sweat from my brow. "I'm sorry," he says choked up. "I didn't know. I didn't mean to hurt you."
If I die, Madsen will never forgive himself. It's not his fault that Alexandria's food was poisoned, but I know him and he will blame himself if he can even live with himself.
His lips touch against my ear. "Please, please hold on for Madie..."
