Chapter Twenty-nine
Facing Reality
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Brynjolf couldn't recall ever stepping foot in Riverwood in his life. Perhaps he had passed through in a carriage a time or two in his travels, but he had never stopped there. It was a sleepy little village, yet filled with its own sense of purpose. The mill and the blacksmith shop created the sounds of prosperity, and the people who walked the streets looked happy. It was a stark contrast to Riften, where secrecy, plotting and greed had made the mood there just as gray and lifeless as the weathered wood of the buildings.
Riverwood, on the other hand, was a colorful place. Trees grew abundantly around and even in the city, birds singing from their branches. The sound of the river nearby lent a joyful music to the air, while a dog's bark and children's laughter spoke of an innocence to the place that not many cities possessed anymore. The people here were simple and did not ask for much in life, and what they had they were content with.
It was very foreign to Brynjolf, and it made him feel a little uncomfortable as he led the horse beside Irina down the main street.
They hadn't spoken much the few hours it took to reach Riverwood, both seemingly content in their own thoughts—their own brooding. As soon as Irina set sight on those humble buildings, however, she seemed to come alive a little bit. A spark appeared in her eyes that had been missing the last few days, and there was a soft smile in the corner of her mouth. She must have recognized the woman walking ahead of them on the road and called out to her.
"Gerdur!"
The woman stopped and turned to see who was there, a smile lighting her face. "Irina? Is that really you?"
Irina laughed lightly and ran to meet the other woman. The two embraced like old friends while Brynjolf stood back a pace observing curiously.
"What are you doing here?" the woman called Gerdur asked as she pulled away to look at Irina.
"I was in the area and wanted to see you. How're Hod and Frodnar?"
"Oh, up to their same old games," Gerdur assured. "Are you in a hurry? You should stay and have a meal with us at least."
"Yes, we'd like that," Irina agreed. "We need to restock at the store anyway, and we'd like to rest a little."
"Splendid," Gerdur exclaimed happily. Then she looked at Brynjolf. "And who is your friend?"
"Oh, this is Brynjolf…Bryn," she corrected softly, glancing at his eyes. She had never called him Bryn before.
He held her gaze for a moment before turning it on Gerdur. "A pleasure to meet you," he said, offering the woman his hand, which she shook lightly.
"Welcome. I'm sure any friend of Irina's is a friend of ours," Gerdur said. "Why don't you two come on up to the house? I was just on my way there to start on supper."
"Thank you, Gerdur," Irina replied with a sigh of relief.
The two women fell into step together and Brynjolf hung back a pace or two, content to listen and observe.
"So, who is he?" Gerdur asked softly, a suggestive note to her tone.
Brynjolf caught Irina's glance as she looked over her shoulder briefly. "He's… just a friend," she replied softly. "A colleague."
Brynjolf let out a soft sigh. Just a friend. Yes, of course that's all he was. That's all he could ever be to her. He knew it well enough, yet it saddened him more than he wanted to admit. To hear her stay it made it feel that much worse.
"Have you been keeping busy?" Gerdur asked. "Where are you living these days?"
"Riften, actually. For the last month or so anyway. I've been traveling mostly, looking for work. I think I finally found where I'm going to stay though, at least for a while."
"Are you happy, Irina?"
Irina gave the older woman a smile. "I am."
"Well, that's good to hear," Gerdur said with a nod.
When they arrived at a small house on the edge of town, Gerdur instructed Brynjolf to turn the horse loose in the yard with the family cow. The Nord complied and, after latching the gate, followed the women into the house.
Two men and a boy were sitting at the dining table, and they all looked up in surprise when the unexpected guests entered. Irina looked just as startled.
"Ralof!" she exclaimed, mouth agape and eyes wide.
"Irina?" A young man with a braid in his blond hair stood up and came around the table, a grin spreading across his face. "By the Nine, it's you!" He laughed and held his arms out to her and she gladly fell into them, hugging him back fiercely, which prompted an arched eyebrow from Brynjolf.
"Mara's mercy, Ralof, it's so good to see you! What are you doing here?"
"He's on leave," Gerdur supplied. "You got here just in time, too. He's going back tomorrow."
"That's the truth of it," Ralof confirmed with a grin. "What are you doing here? I didn't think I'd ever see you again."
"We were just in the area and I wanted to stop by and visit Gerdur. I had no idea you'd be here, too. Isn't this amazing?" She looked at Brynjolf, her face alight with a wide and happy grin. "Bryn, this is Ralof. He's the one who got me out of Helgen."
"I seem to remember you saving my life more than once, Irina," Ralof pointed out. He held his hand out to Brynjolf, who shook it stiffly.
"Irina mentioned you," Brynjolf said. "I didn't know you two were such good friends, though."
"After we escaped Helgen, Ralof and I stayed here for about a week to recover. They really made me feel at home here."
"And you're welcome any time," Gerdur assured her. She gestured to the table. "Sit down, all of you. Make yourselves at home."
More greetings flew around as Irina finally turned her attention to Gerdur's husband Hod and their son Frodnar, and Introduced Brynjolf to everyone. Once pleasantries had been exchanged, conversation pretty much revolved around Irina while Gerdur prepared supper. When it was ready, yet more conversation flowed just as easily as the mead. Brynjolf participated little, letting Irina have her moment. He was content to sit and watch. He barely took his eyes off her the entire evening. She seemed to have transformed into a smiling, laughing, lighthearted version of herself that he had seen only glimpses of since he met her. He liked her that way, and it made him somewhat sad that her fellow thieves didn't seem to bring that out of her like these people here did. Then again, perhaps even this was an act; a way to conceal the deeper pain and fear she'd been experiencing lately. That also troubled him.
After supper, Gerdur set a large pot of left over stew on the table. "Hod, will you take this over to Hilde? She's been under the weather lately and I want to help out. That son of hers is worthless as a cook."
"I'll do it," Ralof offered, standing up. "I could use the fresh air. I've spent the last six weeks living in a tent. Being inside so long is a bit claustrophobic."
"Thank you, brother," Gerdur said.
"Could you use some company?" Irina asked.
Ralof flashed a grin as he put his cloak on. "I could."
Irina jumped up to grab hers, which was hanging on the wall next to Brynjolf.
He looked up at her expectantly. "You all right?" he whispered.
"I'm fine," she assured, giving him a quick smile. "I won't be long." She leaned down so her mouth was close to his ear. "These are my friends, Brynjolf. Please keep your sticky fingers to yourself?"
His mouth dropped open slightly at her implication. "Lass, I'm not a petty thief."
"Just checking," she whispered back. She tied her cloak at her throat and stood up straight. "I'll be back soon." And with that she was gone, following Ralof out into the night.
Brynjolf couldn't help but feel anxious. He didn't know what Irina's relationship with Ralof was like, though they seemed to be just friends from what he'd perceived of their interactions so far. He hoped that was the case – for Rune's sake, he told himself. After a few moments he rose from his seat and grabbed his cloak from the hook. He cleared his throat.
"I think I'll go check on my horse," he informed Hod and Gerdur, before slipping quietly out the door. He stood on the front porch for a moment in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the night. The night sky was aglow with Masser's light, waxing almost full. Secunda had yet to show above the horizon. Brynjolf could hear voices down the street and made out the shapes of Irina and Ralof as they headed toward town.
"Sorry, lass," he whispered. "But I just don't know you well enough." He slipped into the shadows along the road, becoming part of the night, silently keeping pace with them. He felt a little guilty for spying, but his curiosity was too great for his own good.
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Sven, Hilde's son, gladly accepted the stew. Hilde was resting in bed at the moment, but he passed along her thanks to them. After exchanging pleasantries with Sven and eventually bidding him a good night, Irina and Ralof walked side by side slowly down the main street, not in a hurry to return to Gerdur's just yet.
"So, you've been especially vague about the details of your life," Ralof observed. "All I know is that you live in Riften and you're doing some sort of work there."
Irina chuckled and shrugged. "There isn't really much else to tell."
"I don't buy that for a minute. Who's that Brynjolf guy anyway?"
"I told you, he's a friend."
"Just a friend?"
Irina laughed uncomfortably. "Should he be something else?"
"I don't know," Ralof replied with a shrug. "You're traveling with him. You said you were 'in the area' and wanted to stop by. There's nothing in this area, Irina. What are you up to?"
Irina sighed softly. She had hoped she wouldn't have to think about the reasons for her trip while she was visiting Riverwood, but of all the people she knew, Ralof would be the one who understood the most.
"I was visiting Helgen," she admitted softly.
Ralof whistled softly through his teeth. "Helgen. What made you want to go back there?"
Irina didn't answer right away. Finally she glanced up at his face in the moonlight. "Do you ever have nightmares about that day, Ralof?"
He nodded without hesitation. "Not as much as I used to, though. I've been in a few battles since then, and I have nightmares about those now. But yes…for a while there, I had nightmares all the time."
"So do I," Irina said softly. "They're actually getting worse."
"Why do you suppose that is?"
"I told you what happened in Whiterun a few months ago, right? What Balgruuf said about me?"
He nodded.
"I've tried to ignore all that since then. Don't really want to have anything to do with it, you know?"
"That's what you said then," Ralof remembered with a nod.
"Well, it's worked pretty well for me until now. Little things are starting to get to me, though. Things are starting to remind me what I am and what my supposed destiny is. It's getting harder to ignore, harder to pretend away."
"Are you thinking of finally taking up the mantle of Dragonborn?" he asked.
She snorted and shook her head. "Not willingly, that's for sure. I don't think I'll ever go around calling myself the Dragonborn. That would feel way too strange."
"Then what? What are you going to do? Keep pretending it away forever?"
Irina shook her head thoughtfully. "I don't think I can." She drew a heavy sigh and turned to face the river, leaning her arms on the stone wall that bordered the road. The moon's reflection bounced along the surface of the rippling water, capturing Irina's silent gaze for several moments.
"I came to Helgen to try and face my fear," she told him finally. "So maybe the nightmares would stop and I could get on with my life."
"Did it work?" he asked, joining her in leaning against the wall.
"I guess we'll see. But it did do one thing I hadn't anticipated." She fell silent again, staring straight ahead as she contemplated.
"What's that?" Ralof finally prompted.
Irina closed her eyes and bowed her head. "That dragon at Helgen was Alduin the World Eater," she revealed. "He's going to destroy this world—or at least all the people in it. Only the Dragonborn can stop him. Only I can stop him. I have no idea how, I just know that… whether I want that destiny or not…it is my destiny, and…" Her voice suddenly stopped as she choked on a sob, taking a moment to try and compose herself.
"Gods, Irina," Ralof murmured, resting a hand on her back.
Irina took deep breaths, leaning against the stone wall as if it were all that was holding her up. Ralof rubbed her back lightly, just like he had all those months ago after escaping Helgen, when the adrenaline had worn off and reality had sunk in. She had been nearly a wreck then, and he had been there for her. Ralof wasn't skilled with words, and he had no answers for her. But he did have what she needed most right then, and that was understanding, and a willing ear to listen.
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Brynjolf watched from the shadows of the covered porch across the street, fists clenched in frustrated jealousy. Why couldn't it be him that Irina was confiding in? It's not like she hadn't already cried on his shoulder before. What was Ralof to her anyway?
A safe alternative, he realized. That kiss they had shared in Helgen had really ruined things, he could tell. Before, it had been easy between them: he could comfort her and she could let herself go if she needed to, and there were no other expectations—just like there were none right now with Ralof. She was pushing Brynjolf away, keeping him at arm's length to prevent him from getting too close again. The only problem was he couldn't tell if it was only because of Rune, or because Irina didn't want that kind of relationship with him.
Did he want that kind of relationship with her? His mind screamed 'no', while his heart argued 'yes'. They were going to have to talk about this eventually. There was obviously something there, and it couldn't be ignored any longer. He just had to make up his mind about what he wanted by then.
Irina eventually regained control of herself and pulled away from Ralof, wiping her eyes quickly.
"I'm sorry," Brynjolf heard her murmur.
"Don't apologize, Irina," Ralof said. "A future like yours isn't an easy one to face. You might see me sobbing on my knees if I were in your place." He chuckled mirthlessly.
As much as Brynjolf wanted to hate Ralof, he couldn't. Ralof seemed to be a good guy.
Irina drew a heavy sigh and leaned against the wall again, staring out at the river. "Well, anyway, how goes the war?" she asked, a smile in her voice.
Ralof chuckled. "Well…there's talk of marching on Whiterun."
"Really?" Irina exclaimed, shocked.
"Ulfric's just waiting to hear from Jarl Balgruuf. The man has to finally choose a side. If he chooses the wrong one, well…"
"I hope it doesn't come to that," Irina said softly.
"So do I. Especially since I'll be among the invading force if it happens. I'm not looking forward to it."
"Care to trade places, Ralof? I'll go fight your battles if you fight mine."
"I don't know about trading places," he replied. "But I still think you should take up the blue banner yourself."
"You know I'm not a soldier. And I really do have enough on my plate already with the whole Dragonborn thing."
"Yes, I suppose you're right," Ralof murmured.
Irina sighed deeply and then stood up straight. "Let's walk some more. I'm chilly standing still."
Brynjolf thought they might start heading back, but instead they continued on down the road toward the edge of town. He decided not to follow them any longer and returned to Gerdur's house. After observing them for a while, he felt more comfortable about Irina in Ralof's company. He felt that he could probably trust the man. In any case, spying on Irina did not sit well with him.
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It was nearly an hour more before Irina and Ralof returned to Gerdur's house. The night had grown late and most of the town's folk were in bed asleep. Gerdur had waited up for them, however. Irina was surprised to see that Brynjolf was not there.
"Your friend went to get a room at the inn," Ralof's sister informed before Irina had a chance to ask. "Even though I offered for you both to stay here, he said you'd be more comfortable with your own room."
"Oh." Irina considered that. "He was going to get me a room, too?"
"That's what he said."
"Well, I guess I should go take advantage of it, then. Don't want him to have wasted his money, though I'm sure I would have been perfectly comfortable here, Gerdur. Thank you anyway for offering. I'm sorry if he offended your hospitality."
Gerdur waved it away. "Nonsense. I understand. This is a small, one-room house and we're strangers. It's no offense, Irina. You'd best head on over there, though, before he goes out looking for you."
"You're right. Ralof?" She turned to him. "Will I see you in the morning before you head out?"
"I'll come looking for you, if you don't find me first," he assured. "Sleep well, Irina."
She left the house and made her way quickly to the Sleeping Giant Inn just down the street. The place was quiet. All the guests were abed, and even the bard had gone home. Only the innkeeper was present, sitting on a stool behind the bar.
"Can I help you?" he gruffly asked.
"Uh…a friend of mine was in here a little while ago. He said he would get me a room. Name was Brynjolf. Red hair?"
"Yeah, he said you'd be coming," the innkeep said with a nod. He gestured to a closed door across the main hall. "That one."
Irina stared at the door for a moment, then went over and tried the latch. It opened easily and she slipped inside. The room was illuminated by a single candle, its dim light casting dancing shadows across two beds shoved against opposite walls, leaving only about two feet of space between them. One of the beds was occupied.
Well, this wasn't exactly what she had in mind.
Irina crept forward silently, hesitantly leaning over the form in the bed, peering through the dimness at Brynjolf's face. His eyes were wide open, staring at her. She drew back a little, startled.
"Sorry, I couldn't tell if you were awake," she whispered.
"I was waiting for you. Are you all right?"
"Just tired," she assured him. "I'm looking forward to sleeping in a real bed."
"It's somewhat luxurious," he commented with a grin.
Irina turned to face the empty bed, pulling back the blankets. "Was this the only available room?" she asked.
"No, but it was two beds for the price of one."
"Right, of course," Irina mumbled.
"I didn't think you'd mind, lass. We spent the last two nights sleeping a lot closer than this."
She waved her hand dismissively. "No, it's fine." She sighed as she began taking off her leather armor, setting it in a pile atop the chest at the foot of her bed.
"You were gone a while," Brynjolf commented as he watched her.
"I guess Ralof and I had a lot to talk about." She sat down on the edge of her bed and removed her boots last of all.
"Are you sure you're all right?" he asked, concern evident in his tone. "This has been quite a day for you."
Irina didn't want to talk about the day anymore. "I'm fine, Bryn, really. I'm just tired." She pulled her feet up onto the bed and laid down, snugging the covers up around her chin. The soft bed felt wonderful on her aching bones, and the weight and warmth of the blankets settling on her was divine. She closed her eyes, breathing out a deep sigh, then silence fell over the room for several minutes. Irina could feel Brynjolf's eyes on her, though.
"Are you going to blow out the candle?" she finally asked him.
"Lass…" He paused, a note of anxiety in his tone. "Shouldn't we talk about what happened?"
"What do you mean?" she asked, even though she knew exactly what he was referring to.
"Come on, lass. Something happened between us back there in Helgen. I think it would be unwise to pretend it didn't."
"What do you think it was?" Irina asked, opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling.
Brynjolf snorted softly and Irina could hear his blankets rustle as he sat up. "It was a kiss, lass. And not just any kiss; it was a damn nice one."
Heat rose in Irina's cheeks and she refused to revert her gaze from the rafters. "It was an emotional moment," she explained. "I wasn't thinking clearly."
"So you're saying it was a mistake, then?" Brynjolf asked.
"Wasn't it?" she countered, finally turning her head to look at him. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows resting on his knees. He was wearing only a simple sleeveless shirt and a pair of light pants, his feet bare. Irina couldn't help but stare at him. He looked so different dressed in something other than his guild armor. He looked like an everyday man, and so much more approachable.
He stared right back at her, his expression ambiguous. "Do you regret it?"
Irina considered that. Even though her kissing Brynjolf had opened up a giant can of worms, at the end of the day she had to think back on it and smile. She shook her head slightly. "No," she murmured. She quickly glanced at Brynjolf and saw a faint smile touch his lips. "Do you?"
"Not as much as I should," he admitted.
Irina stared at him, not sure what they were supposed to do with that information. "All right."
"I have to admit, lass, you took me kind of by surprise," Brynjolf said with a smirk. "I didn't know you felt that way about me."
Irina sighed and pushed herself to a sitting position. "You weren't supposed to find out," she informed. "It's just an infatuation that can never amount to anything, so I was trying to ignore it."
"I see," he said with a nod. "Giving me a passionate kiss was the perfect plan for that. Good job, lass."
She sent him a glare and he laughed. "Well you don't have to make fun of me. Like I said, it was an intense moment and I didn't have full control over my emotions. It just…happened." She put her hands over her face and shook her head. "And now we'll have this huge thing hanging between us forever. Things will never be the same."
"So you do regret it then."
She stared at her knees for a moment, then finally looked at him. "I don't regret the kiss. I regret that it's all it can ever be – just that one kiss."
Brynjolf's expression softened and a gentle look came into his eyes. He reached across the gap between their beds and gently touched her cheek with his fingers. "Oh lass," he breathed. "You talk as though kisses are expensive jewels that can only be bought or stolen, when I am perfectly willing to give them away."
He brushed the hair away from her face and gazed into her eyes. Irina's heart hammered madly in her chest as she became held captive by that emerald gaze. All she wanted to do was fall into his arms and be smothered by his kisses until morning, yet she couldn't move. She couldn't make herself leave the bed and go to him. So she just stared at him instead, her lower lip trembling.
Suddenly Brynjolf scooted across the gap to sit on the edge of her bed, facing her. He cupped her face gently with both hands and looked deeply into her eyes for just a moment before his lips met hers in an eager, almost desperate kiss. Irina didn't think anymore after that. Her arms slipped around his neck as she kissed him back with an equal eagerness. Not a lot went through her mind in that moment, her rising passion clouding her brain. Her only thought was finally! After all this time. She'd wanted to kiss Brynjolf like this almost from the first week she was with the guild.
Brynjolf gently pushed Irina back against the pillow, never breaking the kiss as he settled atop her. A moment later he began trailing kisses along her jaw, while his hands slipped up under her shirt, his thumbs stroking across her ribs. Then something snapped in Irina's mind and the fog cleared just a little.
"Wait…wait…" she murmured, pressing against his chest lightly. "What is this? What's happening here?"
"I thought it was somewhat obvious," he breathed, trying to kiss her again.
The fog returned for a moment, Irina's mind completely consumed by Brynjolf. But there was still that little warning bell somewhere in the back of her head. She moaned softly and then pushed against his chest with a little more force, prompting him to stop kissing and look at her.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Stop. We can't do this," she panted.
"Sure we can. I know how," he replied with a smirk. "If you need lessons I can teach you." He went in for another kiss but she turned her head to the side.
"Bryn, I'm serious. We never finished talking about this."
He stared down at her as if she were crazy. "What else is there to talk about? We obviously want each other."
Irina took a few deep breaths and nodded. "Yes. Yes, that much is obvious," she agreed. "But there's some things I don't understand."
Brynjolf let out a deep, almost impatient breath. "What things?" he asked.
She pushed against him with a little more force, making him sit back on his heels. She scooted back against the wall facing him.
"Well, for starters, I can't count how many times I've heard you say you'd never have an intimate relationship with another guild member. You said it's too complicated."
He shook his head. "No, lass, that's not what I said. I said love makes things too complicated, not intimacy. I've been intimate with a lot of women who have passed though the guild over the years."
"Oh, I see," Irina replied with a nod. "So you just never let love come into the picture, is that right?"
"That's about right."
"What about Vex?" she challenged. "From what I've heard from you and others, you and Vex were pretty close once, as in more than just intimate. You loved her, didn't you?"
Brynjolf turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. "Yes, I did," he admitted softly. "And I swore that would be the last time I would let myself fall in love with someone in the guild."
"And how do you manage that?" Irina asked. "What if they fall in love with you?" She stared at him for a moment and nodded in understanding. "You're just a professional heart-breaker, aren't you?"
"Now, lass, that's hardly fair."
"But it's true, isn't it? As soon as actual feelings come into the picture, you run away."
"I have my reasons," he defended. "It's worked out just fine for me all these years."
Irina stared down at her hands for a moment. "But that's the problem," she murmured. "It hasn't worked out well for me. I've been with too many men like you, Brynjolf. I've been cast off too many times by men who don't want to get too serious. I'm worn out from it."
He frowned slightly. "Lass, are you saying you won't be with a man unless he agrees to marry you?"
"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "But I'm not interested in one-night stands or in becoming someone's occasional diversion. I want to be someone's one-and-only, Brynjolf. Call me silly and naive if you want to, I don't care. I'd rather be single than used."
He stared at her in silence for a moment, and Irina could see genuine hurt reflected in his eyes. She felt bad for raking him over the coals like that, but she wanted her intentions made perfectly clear in order to protect herself.
"You sure have put a lot on my shoulders, lass," he finally murmured.
"I'm sorry," she whispered back. "Believe me, Brynjolf, I want nothing more than to spend the night with you, and every night from now on. It hurts so much to know that I'm probably throwing away my only chance at that." She sighed and made a helpless gesture. "But that's not the only thing. There's Rune."
Brynjolf glanced away. "Right. What makes you think he's ready for a committed relationship? He's been quite the heart-breaker himself."
"Maybe so, but it doesn't feel that way with him, at least not right now. He seems genuinely serious about us, and I want to see where it goes."
"So that's it then?" Brynjolf said, his shoulders drooping slightly.
Irina nodded, feeling her heart break. "For now." How foolish was she being right then? She was probably throwing away her only chance at being with Brynjolf, and for what? A silly ideal that was likely more fiction than reality? Her conditions aside, though, she was with Rune, and she would be damned if she was going to end up being the heart-breaker. Why couldn't Brynjolf had made his move sooner? They'd probably be in each other's arms right now, not staring at each other awkwardly across a bed.
"Well, lass," Brynjolf said with a tight smile. "I guess you've put me in my place then. Like I've said before, Rune is a very lucky man." He eased himself off the bed and stood there scratching the back of his neck for a moment before sitting back on his own bed. "We should get some sleep," he said. "We've got a long journey ahead of us tomorrow."
Irina nodded reluctantly. "You're right."
"Sweet dreams, lass." He laid down and pulled his blankets up.
Irina laid down also, but it was a couple hours before she managed to finally drift off.
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A/N: I want to thank my wonderful beta, DancesWithElves, for helping me polish this chapter up all nice and shiny. Also a big thank you to my wonderful readers and reviewers! You guys are continuously awesome!
