Mission: Almost Impossible
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.
Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.
Chapter 29: Get Your Own Damn Country! Part II
Ada hadn't expected the sudden company, but damn, she quite enjoyed it.
She had been minding her own business, reading a book when someone had knocked on the door. It turned out to be Leon, adorning only a towel, and he looked pretty shaken and scared like he had been treading dangerous ground for an extended period of time. Being the kind woman she was, Ada had let him in and given him an orange to eat. He had looked at the orange and sniffed it cautiously as if he were a feral animal who forgot what the hell food was, then snatched it from her hands. He ate it in a similar manner to a mouse and didn't miss a morsel. He ate everything; the skin, the pulp, the seeds. Just everything.
"Wow..." The Asian woman remarked as she watched him eat. "Did you and Krauser forget to go to the store for the last week or two?"
The ex-agent shook his head. "Oh, no, we went to the store alright."
"Well, what's the deal?"
"I left the house and had no where else to go. Oh, excuse me. Krauslovahkia."
"Oh, yeah?" Ada moved a little closer. "Well, no wonder you're starving...and almost completely naked. How long ago was this?"
"A few hours ago."
"...I take back what I said just a second ago." She sighed. "So, why didn't you come here in the first place? I mean, I live right down the street from you guys..."
"Well, you see, I went over to Blade's house first and-"
"Blade's house? Why?"
"Because he's the only one around here who's still sane!...Well, you are, too, but I also needed some clothes. Guy clothes."
Ada nodded. "So, what happened?"
"The moment he saw it was me, he slammed the door in my face cuz he thought I was some sort of Krauslovahkian Witness or something. You know, like a Jehovah's Witness."
"And so you came here, right?"
Leon shook his head. "Oh, no. That's when I got lost. It was scary. I had no idea where I was, how long I was gone, nothing. I thought days, maybe even weeks, had passed. I took cover in a phone booth for a while, living off of pages from the phonebook in there. Later, I asked someone for the time and I realized I had only been gone for a couple of hours, so after getting directions, I headed to your place because it was the only other place I could think of."
"Nice story."
"I know."
The woman gasped as an idea suddenly hit her. "Leon, I know of some people you could stay with! Don't get me wrong; I'd love for you to stay here, but I have a date tonight and I plan on scoring, so I can't have you around."
"Who?"
Ada smiled in a way that made Leon shudder on the inside. "You'll see..."
Minutes later, the front door was knocked upon, and just as the Asian woman was about to answer, it was thrown open, smacking her in the face and sending her sprawling on the floor. The person in question who opened the door so violently was Wesker; behind him, Sergei.
The blond cleared his throat and straightened his shirt to try and look more presentable and diplomatic as his eyes set on Leon, who cowered in the burgundy velvet chair and thinking the two men were going to coax him into joining their country. Wesker put on his best smile, which turned out kind of sadistic, and strode over to Leon.
"Well, well, well," He began. "Ada tells me you left Krauser's country."
'Oh, God, no!' The pretty boy mentally squeaked. "Oh, God, no!" He spoke aloud. After realizing what he said, and the odd looks he received from the two men, he quickly said, "Oh, erm, I mean, yeah."
"Well, since you left his country..."
'Oh, God, he's gonna say it...'
"Why don't you join ours?" Wesker once again gave another sadistic smile.
"I only need a place to live!" Leon whimpered. "The only country I want to join is America!"
"Hmm..." The blond rubbed his chin, then turned to Sergei. "Sunglasseslovahkian leader meeting."
The brunette watched as both Sergei and Wesker huddled in a corner and whispered amongst each other. Every once in a while, they would look over their shoulders at him or make gestures towards him. Leon was honestly more concerned with what they were saying about him rather than the condition of Ada, who was clearly unconscious judging from her state of stillness, save for an occasional twitch in her leg. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, both men returned to Leon.
"You can stay with us." Wesker announced.
"Whoo!" Leon cried, throwing his arms up in the air.
"But-"
Muscled arms lowered. "Shit! I should've known there was a catch!"
"Let him finish!" Sergei barked.
"Anyways," The Sunglasseslovahkian President began, "you can live with us and not have to become a member of our country, but you have to wear sunglasses in the house. Always."
"Really? That's all? And I can take them off when I'm out of the house?"
"Off the property, yes."
"Sweet! I'll take it!"
"Here." Wesker handed the brunette an extra pair of sunglasses. "I always carry a spare."
"Um...cool." Leon slid them on. "God damn, I feel cool now."
"Shut up and come with us." Sergei ordered him as Wesker headed for the door.
Leon's bedroom door opened quietly, revealing the room empty of all life, but clearly depicting someone had lived in there at some point. It was rather a shock to Krauser since all the other rooms were overcrowded with his subjects, save his room. He slowly allowed himself to stroll around the room, every once in a while picking up random objects and looking them over.
Sighing, he sat on the cold bed and looked out the window. Sure, Leon had been gone only a few hours, but Krauser was already missing him as if he had gone to war a decade ago and still hadn't returned.
He accidentally knocked something over on the nightstand as he swatted at a fly buzzing around his personal space. Picking up the fallen item, he saw it was a photo of himself, Leon, Graham, Ashley, Blade, Jaws, and Daredevil. They'd taken that picture a few short months after Blade had joined and Wesker was sick that day, so he wasn't present in the photo. They all looked so content with each other in the picture and the sight of his currently absent roommate made Krauser want to sob girlishly.
"Why did you have to go, pretty boy?!" The Krauslovahkian leader dry sobbed before throwing himself all the way down on the mattress, a crunching noise being heard from the pillow. "Huh?" Upon further inspection, he discovered forbidden junk food under Leon's pillow. "Oh, that BASTARD! He snuck in illegal food!"
His anger was immediately replaced with immense depression as he wailed, "I miss him!" and dry sobbed loudly, grabbing a bag of super spicy chips and shoving the contents in his mouth for comfort until he actually began to cry.
From the spiciness, of course.
Graham frowned heavily as he once again violently scratched out all that he wrote and crumpled up the paper, tossing it into the corner where he thought the wastebasket was, but it was actually in the other corner. There was so much wasted paper by now that Mother Nature would sob and throw herself off a cliff if she laid eyes on the sight.
"Damn it!" The President grumbled before starting on a new sheet.
"Something wrong, Mr. President?" Blade inquired as he entered the office.
"These battle tactics are useless!"
"...Battle tactics?"
"Yes. I'm starting a war with both Krauslovahkia and Sunglasseslovahkia."
"May I ask why?"
With confidence lacking in his voice, the President answered, "Because...it sounded like the smart thing to do..."
Obviously it was not an intelligent move at all coming from President Graham alone, but out of curiosity, Blade walked around the desk to look over Graham's shoulder and see what he'd written so far. On the sheet were four stick figures, one of which was wearing a beret and another wearing sunglasses. They were each identified by with the words, 'Krauser,' 'Wesker,' 'Me,' and 'The Russian Guy' with arrows pointing to the designated stick figure. The Graham stick figure was holding a gun to the three other stick figures and at the top of the sheet, it said, 'Battle Tactic: Buy a gun' and at the bottom, it read, 'Downside...it goes without saying...' along with a doodle of the other three stick figures using bigger guns to gang up on the Graham stick figure, which now adorned X's for eyes with his tongue sticking out as he lay on the ground in what appeared to be a pool of liquid. Most likely blood.
Blade had to admit that it was indeed a very crappy tactic, but it could've been worse. Graham could've thought he could overpower the three of them with just a knife and the outcome would be that they are defeated easily.
Graham sighed. "Tell me, Blade, is this a good idea? Do you think they'd really have bigger guns than me?"
"Well...it leaves much to be desired."
"I'm not talking to you about desire! I'm talking to you about this battle tactic! Does it work or not?!"
Pausing briefly, Blade tried using a tactic of his own: using words the President would understand. "Mr. President, your idea is absolutely shitty."
Groaning, the elder man let his head thunk on the desk. "What am I gonna do...?"
"That depends. I'll just need to see what you've thought of so far." The gunman went over to the terrifyingly huge mountain of paper balls and uncrumpled a few of them to get the geist of the President's previous failures. All the ones he looked at consisted of the same four stick figures, the labels, and even the same outcome. In one, the top said the battle tactic was to buy a pair of nun chucks, and the outcome shown the other three stick figures holding big guns. One even had the President in a transformer and the three opposing stick figures STILL beat him with their guns.
After skimming through a few more failed battle tactics, Blade stood and said, "Mr. President, I believe it would be wise to hire someone to come up with such tactics for you."
Graham sat up, gasping in revelation. "My God, son, you're right! You're hired!"
"...Excuse me?"
"YOU'RE gonna be my war person!"
"But, sir, I'm already an agent."
"Fine, you can be both an agent and my war guy! Now go. Go do whatever it is agents/war guys do."
Blade, deciding not to argue least he wanted to be fired from both positions, took his leave.
It was only a week after Leon moved into Wesker's house that he realized how much his life sucked.
Wesker, needing money to support his country, charged him for certain things. At first it was just for food, but then it just got out of hand. Wesker was charging him to use the bathroom, getting water from the sink, sleeping on the couch, entering certain rooms more than five times a day, etc. It was getting so bad that Leon went out and got himself a job walking some old lady's pit bull just so he could stay. More often than not, he ended up getting mauled by the dog and the only sort of walking it did was chasing after the ex-agent when he managed to get away.
At this moment, Leon was sore, bandaged, hungry, thirsty, and utterly broke. Like a frightened animal in unfamiliar territory, he curled up in a large comfy chair in the corner of the living room and whimpered quietly to himself. He was really starting to miss his home, his job at the White House; hell, even being able to urinate for free. But he simply couldn't go back. Knowing Krauser, he'd miss him, but wouldn't let him back in the country without proving his loyalty, probably by shooting the President in the nuts or something. As for returning to Graham...well, he was told not to come back until he understood the meaning behind the story of the origin of the pineapple's name, and that was about as likely as the old lady's pit bull getting hit by lightning, a comet, and an ice cream truck within the next sixty seconds.
Suddenly, the door opened with a bang, scaring the poor brunette shitless. He buried himself further into the chair out of fear, but calmed almost immediately when he saw it was simply Wesker and Sergei hauling in something. It looked, to Leon, like some really fancy computer that only really rich government people would have in some secret location and it was so large that the two men were having trouble getting it inside.
"What the hell is that?" Leon asked.
"Classified...information...!" Wesker growled as he pulled at the mighty machine. "God, Sergei, are you even trying?" He looked around the heavy computer, nearly collapsing on the floor when he noticed Sergei wasn't paying any attention at all, but rather was listening to something on his iPod. With one hand held to his ear and the other holding his iPod, he was dancing to the music a little bit and quietly singing along quietly, though Wesker had no idea what the hell he was saying since it sounded like Russian gibberish.
"You guys have been hauling in a lot of stuff lately..." The brunette remarked. "Where have you been getting it? And I know it's classified, but I swear on my beautiful hair that I won't tell a soul if you tell me what it's for."
Wesker ignored him, too busy smacking Sergei upside the head and telling him to focus to listen to his house guest.
The blond and silver haired men finally managed to drag the computer in, stowing it away in the spare room where all the other gadgets and gizmos they salvaged were located.
Leon noticed a lot of odd things during his stay, like the gathering of such high-tech equipment, for example. He also noticed that even though Sergei was a member of Sunglasseslovahkia, he didn't reside in Wesker's house, which basically was Sunglasseslovahkia. Both Sunglasseslovahkian leaders acted so secretive around the brunette when they were talking of official business. Sure, Leon wasn't a member of the country or anything, but they were acting as though they were planning something evil and giggling like excited school girls whilst they did.
To Leon's surprise, Wesker suddenly presented him with five bucks.
"You have to get out." He stated blatantly. "We're having a very important...party. Sunglasseslovahkians only. Take this and go find something to do until ten tonight."
Leon didn't like the way the elder man had said, "Party," but he was rather glad to be leaving for a while. The first place he intended on going was a bathroom where he could take a leak for free.
The park was unusually quiet as Krauser meandered around it. Honestly, he left his house to get some important Krauslovahkian business done like buying everyone a red beret to wear, but instead he found himself there at the park, wandering around all the places he and Leon hung out at when they got in trouble with the President and he'd lock them out of the White House.
He walked around the slide, noticing nobody had bothered to fix the imprint of his face he left in it when Leon pushed him a tad too roughly down the slide.
He finally settled down on a swing, one that was a little lopsided from an incident where both he and Leon where swinging on it at once and one of the chains broke; an incident which also caused Krauser to leave his face embossed in the ground, but that was fixed by now.
Not too far away, Ashley and Blade had arrived. The President's daughter told her father that she wanted to play at the the park, but secretly she discovered Krauser on his way there and wanted to talk to him without her father getting suspicious that she was mingling with the enemy. He sent Blade with her as a bodyguard.
"Krauser!" The blonde shouted and waved as she and the gunman drew near.
Krauser, shocked at the unexpected company, shouted happily and jumped off the swing to give the girl a big bear hug.
"Krau...ser." She choked. "Krauser....too hard!"
"Sorry, kid." He grinned sheepishly as he let her go. He finally noticed Blade and gave a girlish squeal. "Foot long!" Before he could even take a step towards him, a gun was pointed at him and the agent growled, "Don't even think about it."
"I needed to talk to you, Krauser." Ashley said.
"This better be important! I got shit to do."
"Break up your country."
"...What?"
"Krauser, if you do, Daddy will let you come back, and Leon will come back. I heard he left your country."
Krauser chuckled. "Ash, that's a good one. Like I'm really gonna break up my country."
The girl whimpered. "But we miss you...Me and Blade and Jaws...even Daddy. He won't admit it cuz he's stupid, but he does. Just think about it, okay? I'm not telling you to break it up, I'm just making a suggestion."
The commando looked at the younger agent for some sort of confirmation that this was all true and Blade nodded quietly. With a defeated sigh, Krauser said with a somewhat childish whine, "I'll think about it..."
"Yay!" Ashley drew the man in a quick hug.
Essentially getting paid to leave caused Leon to make his exit pretty quickly, but not before a little payback. To spite Wesker for all the expenses he had to pay living there, he pissed on the doorstep so whoever walked there would track in piss and make the living room smell of urine.
But now he was bored. He was all alone, wandering the streets, garnering looks of abnormality as he walked about in nothing but a pair of boxers that Wesker had generously donated to him to replace the towel.
With nothing better to do, the ex-agent started thinking about the story of the pineapple's name. He didn't understand at all how it was relevant to being let back into the White House, but if that was his ticket back, then he'd tear apart that story and study each chunk until he knew it better than his own head of hair.
'I'll pwn that story.' He thought.
He hurried off to the library to start his research, his spirits higher than they'd been in days.
I'd written A LOT more than that, but since the chapter was turning into, like a novel, I thought I'd cut if off there. I mean, honestly, it was twice the length of a normal chapter and then some. But anyways, next chapter will be posted shortly! :3
