It was slow. It was painful. It was the worst experience my eyes had ever lived through. Opening them when they didn't want to be opened. Letting light in when they were only begging to remain in the dark for the rest of my life. But cracking them, opening them a miniscule amount, just enough to let a dime slide through horizontally, caused the greatest celebration I'd ever heard. I heard Johnny before I was able to open my eyes enough to see him.
"She's wakin' up, Daryl! I'm not playin'! Look at her! Her eyes are openin'!"
"Shut the fuck up! Ya said the same thing yesterday."
"No, really. Look at her. Really look at her. Her eyes are openin'."
And they were. My eyes were opening. Slowly, but they were still opening. I opened them wide enough to see the ceiling of the prison. Daryl's voice resounded next, "She's fuckin' awake!"
He was in my vision in seconds, those brilliant blue eyes burning down into mine and making my head ache just a little more. I don't think he even realized what he was doing when he leaned down and smashed his lips to mine, which normally would have been an extreme step forward in the world of Daryl Dixon, but was instead shocking and made me jerk away from him quickly. He frowned down at me and jumped back.
"Sorry, Daryl. Sorry," I said quickly. My voice shocked even me. It was dry, cracked, and just wrong. It wasn't coming out right. It didn't sound like mine. I brought my hand up to my mouth and covered it quickly, pressing it tight over the skin.
"Ya alright? Ya hurtin'? Whatcha need?" He ignored the fact that I wouldn't kiss him. That I couldn't kiss him.
"Move, Dixon." He was shoved hard to the right and Johnny's face appeared above mine. His eyes were wide with excitement and his goofy, lopsided grin was painted across his face.
"Jess, god, I thought, God, Jess. I thought I lost ya."
"I'm still here, Johnny." I sounded like a fucking frog.
He leaned down and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug and my body stiffened uncomfortably, causing pain to shoot through me. A whimper escaped my throat and Johnny pulled away quickly. He and Daryl stared awkwardly at one another. Johnny asked slowly, "Ya alright, Jess?"
"I'm just…."I couldn't think of a word to describe what I was feeling. I was feeling uneasy. I was feeling uncomfortable on that table without clothes on. But all I said was, "I'm just thirsty. Could you get me something to drink?"
"Yeah," Johnny said quickly. "I'll get ya some water. An I'll get Herschel. He said to get him when ya wake up."
Johnny rushed out of the room and I was left with Daryl staring at me with his intense blue gaze. I turned my eyes away from his and looked towards the ground. He asked again, "Ya alright, Jesse?"
He stepped closer again and put his hand on the table near mine. He said slowly, "Been real worried bout ya, Jesse. Glad yer awake. Glad yer here again."
"Yeah, me too," I answered without meeting his gaze. I just stared down at where his fingers were reaching towards mine. Daryl Dixon wanted to hold my hand, something I should have rejoiced about, but I couldn't just see his hand. I saw a double over it. Another dirt stained, calloused, reaching hand over Daryl's and my stomach rebelled against my body. I rolled over onto my side and threw up on the floor. Daryl yelped and jumped back quickly. When I was done, I rolled onto my back quietly and closed my eyes.
"Jesse, Jesse, ya alright?" Fear. There was fear in Daryl Dixon's voice.
"I'm okay, Daryl. Please do me a favor though."
"Anythin' ya want."
"For right now, please don't touch me. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Just please, please don't touch me."
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She was dressed an standin' there wit Lil Bit an Our Boy an Janey, that girl she was tryin' to save when she got caught. She couldn' pick 'em up cause Herschel said it'd rip her stitches out, but she was standin' there huggin' 'em. She was huggin' our kids an I was off to the side. Not allowed to touch her. Nobody really was. Anytime we even looked at her, she kinda tensed up like a scared deer. Was fuckin' awful. Johnny couldn' even hug his sister 'cause she freaked out.
Janey was wit Jesse from the time she woke up in the mornin' to the time Jesse took her to bed at night. My woman only been up fer three days an she was playin' momma again. Sleepin' at night wasn' good. That first night was like tryin' to arrange a fuckin' peace treaty. She put the kids in 'tween us an, when I reached over 'em in the night, she jerked away real quick. Didn' even think the fuckin' woman slept much at all. When I woke up, she was gone, patrollin' the prison yard already, askin' Rick questions. She was kinda like a dog on a chain too long, pacin' round constantly, twitchy, couldn' hold still fer nothin'. She even ate like a rabid dog, scarfin' food down quick as ya could put it in fronta her.
Jesse looked up at me an those green eyes found mine fer jus a second 'fore they moved away quickly. She never kept her eyes on me long. Was like she couldn' stand to look at me. She bent down an whispered somethin' to the kids, then they grabbed her hands and she brought 'em over to me. She still didn' look at me when she talked. "I want to start working with Janey, Arlene, and Lucas on bows."
"What?"
"I want to start training them on bows. I think the one I used to carry is still around here somewhere. And we can make smaller bows for Arlene and Lucas."
"Don' ya think it's a lil early to start wit the lil ones?"
"It's never too early, Daryl." Her voice was real quiet, barely even there, but I heard her real good an I knew what she was sayin'. She wanted 'em trained 'fore somethin' happened to 'em like it happened to her.
"Anythin' else, Jesse?"
"I want them fully trained in self defense. Hand to hand, knife, bow, gun, everything, Daryl. Please."
"Yes."
She nodded an turned way from me to look out at the woods gain. She was always doin' that. Always lookin' out there like she was wonderin' what was out there. Wonderin' what she still had to kill. I said soft, "Jesse, ya wanna come in an get some lunch?"
"Yeah. Carol's cooking venison today."
"We need to getcha an extra bowl of it." She was skin an bones. Could see alla her ribs. Could see alla her veins an stuff. Scared the shit outta me.
"I don't need it, Daryl. I'm okay."
"Ya need it. 'mon."
I picked up Our Boy an Jesse picked up Lil Bit an grabbed Janey's hand. In the common area, she took 'em an sat 'em down an I got their food an brought it to 'em. Made sure that Jesse got a lil more than she woulda a few months 'fore but I jus didn' wanna see my woman's pants hangin' offa her no more. Not that ya could ever really see anythin' on her. The clothes she was wearin' when she disappeared got burned. She didn' tell nobody she was doin' it. Second day she was up, she disappeared fer two hours. Nobody knew where she was. Me an Johnny tore the prison apart lookin' fer her an tried not to tell anyone that it was what we were doin'.
We finally found her down in a room in the tombs. She was standin' down there still wearin' the dress thing Herschel told her to wear til her stitches came out. Starin' at a fire on the floor an me an Johnny could jus barely see the buttons on the cargo pants she always wore. Was glowin' in the fire. She didn' tell us why she burnt 'em but we both knew. We saw the finger marks in the pants. We saw the tears in 'em. We knew they ended up on Janey 'fore she got to us. Was the last time I saw my woman near a pair a pants. Resta the time, she was in long ass dresses hung down to the floor. Wouldn'ta been awful 'cause none a the dresses we had had any sleeves on 'em. But she refused to jus wear sleeveless dresses. Always had a sweater pulled on over 'em. Always had a jacket or a shirt or somethin' that covered her arms an chest. An she never braided her hair no more. Always kept it down round her face. Always kept herself hidden away.
Never realized how much I liked seein' her skin till I couldn' see it no more. Never realized how much I liked when she grabbed my hand till she stopped touchin' me. Never realized how much I liked wakin' up to her face near mine till she stopped lettin' me wake up to her in my bed.
"How long do you think we'll be able to keep them away?" Her voice was soft. Real quiet so only I could hear it. I knew she was talkin' bout the fuckers that were sittin' cross the room, starin' at Jesse an starin' at Lil Bit.
"Ain't gettin' near our family," I said back. I glared at the fucker an the bitch so they'd stop starin' at her.
"What about her? It's been three days and I haven't seen her not stare at you one time in these three days."
Fuckin' truck bitch was still fuckin' round. Always starin' an pissin' me off.
"Don' pay her no mind."
Jesse nodded an slowly turned her eyes way from Truck Bitch an back to Lil Bit talkin'.
