I just hope that this chappie is good in your taste.
29 – Nothing to Talk About
That morning, at six o'clock, Matt shakes Jeff's shoulder and he waits for Jeff to scream at him for what's time or anything but the boy just quickly flutters his green orbs and looks at the clock once before nodding off to Matt and standing upwards, stretching and he feels every ache in his body and he knows that he deserves it and he walks towards the desk and sits down and takes out the sheets of his homework and Matt watches him and after ten minutes, he leaves Jeff alone but there's a thought just tugging at Matt's head as he starts dusting and cleaning the house. Why's Jeff so cooperative today and-and-why didn't he say anything? Mute and dead on the inside.
Matt makes a stack of pancakes for Jeff, with the chocolate chips just baked into them, and he rarely does that unless he's done something wrong and wants to forgive Jeff and right now, he's just trying to see an emotion light up in Jeff's face, happiness or angry or hate, just anything other than the sad face that he's managed to plaster on his face and as Matt brings the blue tray upstairs, he sets it down on the desk. He goes to cleaning Jeff's room, finding his magazines and seeing pictures of him and Jeff, he doesn't say a word and neither does Jeff. When he goes back to collect Jeff's plate, he sees that Jeff's only eaten half of a pancake and has his fork down, his homework's done and he's just staring out into the window, thoughts buzzing in his head and Matt leans down to kiss his forehead. "Jeff?"
Jeff nods off and stands up and he walks off to the bathroom while Matt goes downstairs with the tray, but his thoughts are on concentrated on Jeff. Why's Jeff acting the way he is? What's wrong? Matt's stomach flips as he remembers the pained look on his face yesterday when he was talking about Mike and when Matt goes upstairs, Jeff gets out of the shower with his drenched, soaked clothing and Matt smiles as he realizes that Jeff also dresses in the bathroom, like him. The soaked flashy green jersey and black pants and Matt chuckles under his breath as he takes Jeff in his arms and hugs him, smelling the soft scent of his conditioner linger. "Jeff, is there something wrong, baby?"
When Jeff hears that, Jeff props down onto the bed and his heart's aching harder than ever and he embraces Matt's body into a hug and Matt runs his hand down Jeff's hair. "Everything's changed, Matty. Everything…" Jeff whispers and Matt sits down beside him on the bed, both of their eyes intensely looking at each other, passion burning, fury sparking, everything in their eyes.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Matt asks, running his hand down Jeff's hair, feeling the softness of his wet locks.
"Nothing to talk about," Jeff sighs but Matt shakes his head and Jeff stares into his eyes and he can almost hear those words, that there is something to talk about and Jeff finds himself having to say the words that are battling and fighting to get out of his mouth. "I left Mike. Two months before all of this shit, you wouldn't have even thought that I would do anything like that to him. Two months before all of this, I was an innocent thirteen year old boy that only had one friend and wouldn't give up the world to ruin their friendship and just wanted to be heard. I wanted people to listen to me and the only way I knew how to do that was underneath a few notes of music and with everything that's happened in my life right now, still, my notes are perfect. They're not me. I'm hearing the music of a stranger. I'm not hearing the distorted and hurt music of Jeffery Nero Hardy. I'm hearing the music of a stranger whose life is perfect and the words that flow with that music, they're not mine either, nothing's mine…just that I'm standing there, playing the music for this stranger instead of me playing my own music. I noticed how torn and painful my music is when it plays inside of me. And I wanted to show that to the world but I just didn't because no one could understand.
"No one wants to understand who I am, Matt. I'm just another boy to them and when I left Mike; I haven't also become a stranger with strange supposed to be happy music. When I went back to Mike's house and saw all those things, it all hit me. I hurt my best friend in ways I didn't even know and-and I can't fix that, Matt. I can't fix it as hard I try. And when I saw him…my Mike, that was supposed to be happy, he's just as broken as I am on the inside, just shattered, inside out and I left him again, hurt him even more and…I don't even know myself anymore."
Jeff takes a deep breath, feeling the ache in his throat but continues talking anyways. "Last night, when I was looking through those school photos that everyone's staring at and taping around in the school gym showers and as I remembered that people shove their hands down my pants now and take off my shirt just because they think I'm a slut, I feel like one…I feel so dirty and cheap, like no one would ever want to touch something as disgusting as me and I realize that Mike doesn't want to even look at me yesterday. When I touched him, he wanted me to go away…I'm so disgusting, Matt…I don't even know why you stick around anymore…I don't deserve to be loved…"
Jeff wipes away his own tears before they fall because he doesn't want to start crying his eyes out. "And my new friends…Chris Jericho, that Canadian blonde that two months ago I used to hate with a furious passion, I'm now getting close to him like a brother and he has to watch me get hurt every single day. They all do. You have to watch me break… damn, I don't want to be so weak…and how he'd stand there, with his guitar, playing base, not complaining about his position even if Adam says that he's got a lot more to him than just standing there base…he takes what he's given and he's okay with it. And two months ago, I would have never have know that.
"Adam Copeland. I used to think all he ever did was sleep with men and women but when I got to know him, I found out that he's a lot more compassionate than that and he reminds me of you. He has that bossy attitude but he loves everyone anyways. That's why I'm sad when he's around but you're not…he reminds me of you…and I love you…" Jeff's voice cracks. "When I see Chris and Adam together, I see that they really love each other and sometimes, it just makes me sick.
"Randy Orton. I guess I even thought that when I found out about his HIV, I thought it would be something like sex or something and when I found out the truth, I've actually realized that there's a lot more to him than just sleeping with men too. He really cares about Cena and I've got to hand it to him…I didn't think he would…"
Jeff shakes his head, "and you…when I fell in love with you, I realized how bright the world is, how much love really means and when I was without you, I was dead on the inside, Matt but now that I have you…and we're back together in this house, I can't help but feeling as if something's missing. The spark we're sharing right now is strong but it's not as strong as it used to be when you were drunk and I fell in love with you. It's not the same…" Jeff whispers and he presses his head into Matt's shoulder, suddenly completely unable to speak, "what does gonna happen to us, Matt?"
"I have to go to Canada and you have to get over me, Jeff. I'm not much of a prize…" Matt ruffles through Jeff's hair, kissing the top of his boiling forehead, "I never really thought that's why you joined that band. I thought it was for popularity and stuff…or a crush—"
"I did have a crush on Randy," Jeff cuts him off, barely able to say those weak words and as Matt nods his head, lying Jeff down onto the bed, he holds onto him, feeling the warmth of their bodies as they press against each other, feeling every breath they take as they kiss each other, over and over and they don't need another word. Right now, all they want and need and care about is each other and that's how they both wish it would stay like.
At night, just before Jeff had gone to sleep, Matt kisses his lips and slips off Jeff's jersey, just to feel that body press against his, it's just enough for them right now, and as Matt kisses Jeff's nose, they both are ready to nod off to rest, except Matt takes Jeff's hair and strokes it, just so Jeff could fall asleep faster. "So much for nothing to say. You said everything today."
Jeff giggles and nods his head. "I love you, Matty. Goodnight."
"I love you, too, Jeff," Matt says, taking off his own shirt and pulling the sheets on top of them, both of their body weight barely supports Jeff's tiny bed but they don't really care as Jeff kisses Matt's barely shoulder and before Matt can turn the heat up, Jeff just falls asleep and Matt shakes his head, saying that he'll have a night with Jeff sometime soon and before he can finish the thought, Matt falls asleep.
What happened to all my reviewers? Me gots no reviews from the last chappie. It's cool.
Review this one??
X Sam.
