A/N: Hello dear readers! Please enjoy this last chapter before I take a break for the holidays. I'm going to give myself a couple weeks to get caught up and regroup and focus on what comes next in this story. It's a bit fragmented right now and I just need some quality time to write and think. Thank you all so much for your loyalty and attention to this story, I am always so amazed at the amount of people that take time out of their day to read and comment on my writing. It's really, really cool. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season with friends and family, good food and favourite traditions. And hopefully I will see you all back here in the new year. Have a very Merry Christmas! With love, ~Aliyah
Monday February 15
CJ hardly slept that night, running over their entire evening again and again in her head. She thought about the way Brent held her hand, remembered the look of adoration in his eyes, heard their shared laughter over dessert, and replayed the moment he delivered her safely back to the apartment door and reluctantly left with only a kiss on the cheek. To her embarrassment, CJ had felt the brief flutter of hope that maybe this was the night their lips met instead, but Brent promised he wouldn't kiss her until she said he could, and he was most definitely a man of his word.
She was distracted at work, missing simple choreographed steps and workout cues, and felt flustered and not herself all day. Her focus had returned, thank goodness, by the time it came to ballet practice, but after the nerves were back as she drove to Brent's house with the prospect of seeing him face to face.
He answered the door with a warm smile and just looked at her. "Hi."
One word was enough to set butterflies loose in her stomach and CJ felt like that starstruck college girl again. "Hi," she whispered.
Brent pulled her inside and Ryan jumped up from the floor to give her a hug. Cody barked and wagged his tail but stayed beside the kitchen table, banished there because Brent and Ryan had Lego spread all over the carpet and didn't want him eating any. "You caught us in the middle of the construction project." CJ's throat closed. He was playing with her son like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Need something to warm you up?"
"Hot chocolate if you have it," she answered, kneeling to get a better look at what they were building.
Brent ruffled Ryan's hair. "You too buddy?"
The boy looked up. "Yes please Coach. I can do the wall myself."
He chuckled and kissed the blond head. "Okay."
CJ caught up on her son's day while offering different coloured pieces to him and watching Ryan eye them and carefully choose or reject each one, then joined Brent in the kitchen where he was getting everything ready for their drinks. "You're amazing with him."
He looked over his shoulder. "I love him CJ. Ryan said as much to me last week too." Brent considered her before adding the rest. "I feel like every week I'm learning more about what it means to be his dad." Her eyes widened and he made a face, pushing his hands into jean pockets. "Was that too much?"
She swallowed and leaned back against the counter. "You keep surprising me. I'll forget how serious you are and then you come out with something like that. It's..." CJ searched for the right word, "...unexpected. I've spent eight years pretty sure it would be just the two of us always. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of a family of three. I've never not been on my own, y'know?"
His expression deepened. "I don't want to have to do this on your own. You and Ry are everything I've ever wanted since my last taste of family was ripped away. Do you want this?"
She tipped her head to the side, a few loose curls falling from the bun. "You're afraid I'm going to change my mind about more."
"Until we have rings on our fingers and it's too late to back out, yeah."
CJ bit her lip. "Slow down Brent, please. I can only think through one step at a time." He nodded and silence fell between them until the kettle clicked off. "What is our next step?" she asked while he poured hot water over generous amounts of hot chocolate powder.
Brent turned with a grin to hand her the blue mug she'd claimed as hers. "A second date."
Laughing because she needed that, CJ followed him to the table, watching as he set Ryan's on a plate beside him and dropped a treat in front of Cody to keep him from trying to share. "So tell me what I missed." This was the time for her to get an update on Ryan's day, anything he forget to tell her, find out about homework, and hear what the two had done together. But Brent always managed to draw CJ out about her day, as well as feeling out plans for Saturday or suggesting a day to do dinner with all three of them.
When it was close to bedtime and they had to go, Ryan got dressed without protest and threw his arms around Brent's waist. "Bye Coach. Thanks."
Brent rubbed his back. "Maybe we can finish our project on Friday." Before the boy turned to leave, he grabbed a small paper bag from the table behind the door. "Oh hey, I almost forgot." Brent gave it to Ryan. "It's National Gumdrop Day. But you have to share them with your mom, okay?"
Ryan grinned, nodded, and bounded down the porch steps, clutching the candy in one hand. Brent looked at CJ and shrugged sheepishly. Sometimes he and Adrian both acted the parts of really big kids. There was a moment of hesitation before she stepped close and hugged him briefly. "Thanks Brent." She hurried after her son before he could find the words to tell her how nice that was, but as the door closed Brent couldn't scrape the smile off his face.
At the car Ryan stopped and stared at his mom. "You hugged Coach."
CJ stooped to his level and chuckled. "Well, you do it. Why can't I?"
That logic made sense and Ryan got in. "No reason." He looked back at the house. "Next time we should stay longer. I don't want Coach to be lonely."
CJ adjusted her rearview mirror. "Me either monkey." And that realization, she guessed, was another step closer.
NCIS
Sunday February 21
Tony and Ziva were relaxing on the couch, her with a book and him with the game on, absently rubbing her feet in his lap. It was a quiet, domestic scene, their dog laying close by on the floor, and Tony was spending less time watching TV and more time just being thankful they'd finally gotten to a place where moments like this were possible. His eyes fell on the calender by the door and he turned to look at his wife.
"Zi." Her eyes shifted off the page and she lowered her book. "It's the twenty-first," Tony said quietly.
Several emotions played over her face, finally settling on something neutral. "Five months," she replied just as softly. The book was set on the coffee table and Tony tapped her ankle.
"What are you thinking honey?"
Ziva's hands clasped in her lap as her mind played back everything that had happened since September. "I think," she began slowly, "that perhaps I have come much further than I thought, and five months is not so long for all the progress I, and we, have made together." Milestones and accomplishments continued to parade themselves before her mind's eye and a small smile claimed her lips. "Maybe I am not so much of a failure as I believed."
Tony practically gaped at her and shook his head, getting up to find something. He came back from the office with two photographs - one taken of Ziva and Abby on the day she returned home and the other of them in Paris only a few weeks ago. He held them out to show her. "Ziva," Tony demanded softly, "how could you even think going from that to this could somehow be classified as failure?"
Two tears slipped down her cheek and she shrugged one shoulder. "That is all I have ever known Tony, there have only been two options - perfection and failure, nothing in-between. And failure was not tolerated."
Tony shook his head. "We've been over this before honey, you're allowed to be human here."
Frustration coloured her features. "You are asking me to undo a lifetime of training! It is not that simple." Ziva's hands came up to cover her face and her hair fell forward like a shield. "I don't remember the last time it was alright to just be me. Probably when I was very small, no more than five, and we were at Aunt Nettie's playing on the beach. My next memory is falling out of a tree and Papa telling me I was too old to cry."
He sighed and reached for her, folding Ziva into his arms. "You're never too old to cry, and contrary to the myth I've cultivated, DiNozzos do cry. Sometimes they cry a lot, and I'm learning that's okay. There can be something healing about tears, so don't ever think you can't let them out."
She buried her face in his chest and gave a short, watery laugh. "I do not think I have kept anything in since I came back."
Tony kissed her dark curls. "For that I'm grateful." He tipped up her chin, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. "Welcome home babe."
Ziva smiled slightly, her hand caressing his cheek. "Thank you." There were a few moments of quiet and then she looked at him. "Could we...take a bath? But just...not-" She didn't know how to say what she needed.
"But with no expectations of more? Yeah, I'd say that's a definite possibility." Tony was getting used to sex being more of an occasional thing, rather than something he could be sure of on a regular basis.
Her eyes stared deep into his. She wanted to say 'I'm sorry' and 'thank you', but those words had been overused in the last several months. Ziva settled for pressing her lips to his, grateful once again for how much they could convey without speaking.
Ten minutes later the couple was relaxing in soothing hot water under a layer of coconut scented bubbles, Tony with his back resting on the tub and Ziva laying against him, his hands resting on her sides. She kissed his collarbone, sniffed his skin, and giggled. "You are going to smell like a girl tomorrow, and how will you explain that?"
He held her a little closer. "Are you saying coconuts can't be manly? What about Tom Hanks in Castaway? He was very manly and he used coconuts. I think I even have sunscreen that smells like coconuts."
Ziva splashed him. "You are ridiculous."
His eyebrows rose. "You want to see ridiculous?" Tony scooped up a handful of bubbles and blew them at her, laughing at the foam that got caught in her hair.
Her eyes lit up and she did the same thing, then Tony's fingers found her ribs and she squirmed and laughed and tried to get away, but there wasn't much of anywhere to go in the bathtub. His gaze was more tender than passionate when he finally pinned her beneath him, submerged in the water almost to her shoulders, and lowered his mouth to hers. Ziva couldn't help but respond and their lips moved slowly together in perfect sync. She framed his face with her hands when Tony's mouth opened, encouraging her to do the same. His tongue caressed hers, still with no pressure for anything but a sharing of breaths and intimate touch. Ziva finally pulled away, the love she felt for her husband written plainly on her expression.
"I love you."
He grinned and worked his fingers into her hair. "Ani ohev atach." There wasn't a whole lot of motivation to move off of her, he liked to feel her body warm and wet against his, but at last Tony did and reached for the washcloth. They took turns drawing the material over each other's skin and let gentle fingers work shampoo into a lather and wash it away. Tony fingered the silky mass when he finished combing conditioner through and rinsed it off. "I want to learn to braid your hair Zi."
Ziva looked back in surprise. "Really?"
He nodded. "Yeah. And it would give me another excuse to play with it." Not to mention that if they ever had a kid, and he really hoped they did because a little girl with Ziva's hair and his eyes was the closest he could imagine to perfection, it would be a handy skill to have.
She squeezed the water out. "Okay. I will show you sometime." They got out and pulled big towels over their dripping bodies. Ziva moved into his space and rubbed the edge of the towel on his chest. "But yakiri, you do not need an excuse."
Tony couldn't stop himself from meeting her lips with his. "You are everything to me Ziva," he whispered. That was something he never wanted her to forget.
NCIS
Tuesday February 23
Brent was surprised by the sound of the doorbell minutes after he'd walked in the door after school. Cody snuffled at the interruption, his focus entirely on an anticipated later afternoon run. His master chuckled, ruffled the dog's ears, and opened the door. A delighted grin claimed his face when he found CJ and Ryan waiting on his front porch. "Hey guys, what's up?"
CJ shrugged. "Oh, we were just in the neighbourhood."
He lifted one eyebrow. "You live halfway across town."
She bit her lip to hide a smile and Ryan huffed, bouncing from one foot to the other. "Mom just tell him." At the sound of his favourite boy's voice, the golden retriever's attitude spun on a dime and he pushed in between Brent and the door, almost knocking the man over in his eagerness.
CJ slid her hands in her coat pockets. "A little monkey told me today is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day, so we thought we'd drop off a treat for our second favourite pet." She gave the little ziploc bag to Ryan, who bent down and scratched under Cody's chin.
"Hi boy, did you miss me since yesterday?" Cody's pink tongue shot out to lick the child's cheek and Ryan wiped the slobber away without making a big deal about it. "Want a treat?" The 'T' word, as well as the sight of the bone shaped biscuits, caught Cody's attention and he shoved his head into Ryan's chest. He giggled, fumbling with the plastic edges to pull the bag open. "Okay Cody, sit." The dog's rump hit the ground. "Shake a paw." He offered one immediately. Ryan reached out and patted his side. "Good boy." He held his hand flat out and the biscuits vanished in two shakes of a tail. He stood up and shook his head. "You're supposed to make them last." Cody cocked his head to one side and whined. Ryan showed his empty hands. "That's all I got."
"All I have," his mom and would-be dad corrected simultaneously.
"That too," Ryan grinned cheekily and CJ kissed his head.
"We won't keep you two from your run, just wanted to make sure such a momentous occasion didn't pass by unnoticed."
Brent regarded them with a depth of fondness in his eyes that made CJ's heart skip over a beat. "I'm sure that means a lot...to Cody."
She acknowledged the meaning behind his words with a small nod and they left with a wave. Brent crouched down beside his dog and rubbed his chest. "Someday buddy, they won't have to leave." It was that day he was now looking forward to with every fibre of his being. So close but somehow still so far away.
NCIS
Wednesday March 3
Brent gave CJ two weeks to get used to the idea of more than friends before calling to ask her on Date #2. He listened to the phone ring and played with a squishy stress ball in the other hand. "Hello."
He grinned. "Hey CJ, it's Brent. Are you doing anything on Saturday night?"
Her momentary pause had nothing to do with hesitation and everything to do with relief. After so long she'd begun to wonder if he'd changed his mind. "Not that I know of, though there is this cute basketball coach who often talks my son and I into staying for supper after boardgames and movies."
Brent made a face. "Cute?"
She rolled her eyes. "Handsome?"
"Better. Well, this time the invitation is only for one. Will you go out with me?"
CJ chuckled. "Thank goodness. I was starting to think I might have to ask you."
"Is that a yes?"
"Yes."
"Good." Brent relaxed his grip on the ball. "And for the record, I just wanted to show you that dating isn't much different than the way we've been as friends, except the goal is for us to keep getting closer."
"I appreciate the thoughtfulness," CJ replied, catching the paper airplane gliding towards the counter and sending it back to her son. "But warn me next time, okay?"
"Deal. What time are you guys coming on Saturday?"
"Is one-thirty alright? That'll give Ryan some quality Coach time before I tell him he's spending the night with Gram and Grandpa."
"Do you want to get a sitter? I can take care of that," Brent offered.
"Not this time, thanks. I try to keep Keri more as a treat so he doesn't feel like he's always being left with someone. Spending time with my parents is more normal."
Brent squeezed the stress ball again and sighed. "I hope he isn't feeling left out. That's the last thing I want."
Her answering tone was gentle. "Ryan gets you all to himself twice a week and sees us together the same amount. I think if we're alone only once every couple weeks he'll be able to handle it."
"Okay. But let me know if that changes and I'll figure something out." He burrowed a hole in the ball and watched it fill back in. "Would you let me take him on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, just the two of us?"
CJ frowned. "Are you asking if I trust you with my son Brent? Because the answer is yes. Or are you asking if I'm willing to share him more?"
"The second," he admitted.
"Ryan loves you," she told him quietly. "He'd be thrilled if you wanted to spend extra time with him. So yes, you could take him some afternoon for some boy bonding time."
"I'll keep that in mind, thanks."
Ryan pointed at the fridge and signed 'please' and CJ responded by bobbing her fist for 'yes'. She'd taught him sign language as a baby and what he remembered worked well during phone calls, since he knew it wasn't polite to interrupt or talk when she was having a conversation. "I need to go, Ryan is ready for dinner. We'll see you on Friday."
"Okay, bye CJ."
She smiled. "Bye." Hanging up the phone she realized that the idea of being with Brent was far less scary than the thought of not having him in their lives. That option was no longer acceptable.
NCIS
"Mmm," Ziva moaned, moving restlessly beside him. Tony didn't clue in right away, not until her hands shot out to push him away. "No!"
He was startled awake, his first instinct to reach for her, but she was still naked after their earlier activities and there didn't seem to be a safe place to put his hands. And he was unclothed as well, so holding her didn't seem like a good option. "Ziva," Tony called, his voice rough with sleep, "wake up." The nightmare still had her and whatever she was fighting, it was bad. He clicked on the bedside light and touched her shoulder. "Wake up honey, please."
A sheen of sweat glistened on her forehead, and when her eyes snapped open they flashed fire mixed with fear. She hissed something at him in what Tony guessed was Arabic, because it didn't sound like Hebrew, and he gave up being careful, grabbing both her shoulders and shaking her. "Ziva!"
The expression vanished but was quickly replaced with emptiness as she curled into a ball, the sheets bunched around her, hands over her face. He gave her a few seconds to calm down, to move away from what she'd seen, before his palm came to rest on her back. "Zi?"
She recoiled from his touch on instinct rather than conscious thought and Tony had to fight through the rejection to force himself closer to her side. "It's me sweetheart, it's Tony. Are you okay?" This was one of the first times the desert had attacked after they'd been intimate and he didn't know if he could handle hearing what the dream had been about. If he'd in any way reminded her of the men who hurt her...it was enough to make him sick.
Slowly Ziva's head moved towards the sound of his voice and tired brown eyes focused on him. "No."
He sighed. "Yeah, I figured. I'm not supposed to ask about okay, because it never is."
She pulled the sheet up to cover her properly and studied the lines in the material. "I keep hoping that one day they'll go away."
Tony took eye contact as a good sign and dared to slide his fingers between hers, laying down to face her with enough space between them to give her a buffer. "You and me both." He didn't want to know the answer, but asked anyways. "Was it because we made love?"
A frown creased her forehead as she tried to make sense of his words, then she shook her head and reached out to touch his face. "Tony, no. I don't..." she fumbled for words. "It has been awhile since..." She shook her head, still unable to get it right. "I was not being raped. It was...the day I was captured. I tried...I tried to fight all of them but they were too strong, too many." Ziva closed her eyes. "I promised myself I would never be taken alive, but I was."
He curled his arm around her back, still keeping a safe distance separating them, and leaned forward to rest his forehead on hers. "I don't know how to say I'm so glad you were, without being totally insensitive to what you suffered because you were."
She slid closer and tucked her head under his chin. "I know what you mean. I'm sorry I woke you."
Tony shook his head. "Never apologize for that Zi. I only wish there was something I could do."
Her arm slid up around his neck. "You're here ahava, that matters so much." He listened to her breathing for a long time, waiting to feel her heartbeat slow. "Will it always be like this?" she asked, her breath whispering across his skin.
He tucked her against him. "I have to believe Somalia won't always be hiding in the shadows honey, that one day there will be a memory, or a trigger, or a reminder, but that won't mean you get dragged back when you fall asleep. I'm sorry that's still how it is now."
Ziva swallowed. "I hope you are right." She kissed the hollow of his throat. "Good night Tony."
Tony buried his face in her hair. "Sleep well sweetheart." If only his words could make it so, but one of them had to hope.
NCIS
Saturday March 6
Saturday started with the team being pulled into the office to work a case since it was their turn to be on call. It was business as usual until McGee and Tony were standing near the remains of an exploded car and suddenly discovered it was radioactive. The next thing they knew a HazMat team showed up to strip and test them, leaving three of four standing by the truck in white, pyjama type clothes while Gibbs consulted with the experts. Ziva's hair was down and Tony quite enjoyed the just out of bed look, but he was also concerned about the exposure. If he and Ziva ever got to a point where they could talk about other options for kids, his plumbing needed to be in good working order. Which was the reason for a conversation that afterwards would seem quite insensitive to their situation, when he thought back on it.
Tony tugged the grey blanket tighter around him. "First uh, plague, now radiation poisoning? I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me."
McGee was less than impressed by his one-track focus. "I was there too, near the car you know."
"We all were," Ziva put in, hoping to jog the more empathetic part of her husband that often got hidden under his many layers of truth and fiction.
"But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself," McGee continued, a note of bitterness in his voice.
Tony turned to him with a passionate expression. "This isn't about me! It's about my little DiN makers. They've been nuked." Ziva frowned at him but he missed the gesture.
"I know," Tim ground out, getting to the point of exasperation with his teammate.
Tony stared at him. "Do you? I mean, sure Tim, your kids are gonna be smart, but mine had a chance of being really beautiful." He paused to think about, and again picture what their children could look like. Yeah, they would be beautiful, especially if they came from the gorgeous woman clearly annoyed with me, he added silently as Ziva pushed between the two of them and walked away.
As he debated going after her and trying to have a private conversation in a not so private setting, Abby came running up in a yellow plastic suit and jumped into his arms. "I was so worried about you guys! I couldn't stay in my lab so I hitched a ride on the truck."
McGee looked at Tony as if he wished he was the one their forensic scientist had tackled with a hug. "What did they say Abby?"
"Oh, you're fine. There were only minute traces." She glanced towards the vehicle. "But now I really want to know what was in the that trunk."
An hour later found them back at the office, showered, re-dressed, and working on leads. Gibbs' confrontation with one M. Allison Hart was their morning entertainment, but cut short when Gibbs' exit of Interrogation coincided with Ziva's popcorn delivery. He didn't comment, just took a handful and smiled after he ordered them to check the warehouse, leaving his team very sure they were all in trouble.
At the warehouse, however, things turned all too serious before T even realized what was happening. One minute they were debating who would win different kinds of fights between the team leader and their new legal frenemy, and the next they managed to get into a discussion that put right and wrong under a microscope he didn't often examine. While Tony put away his Geiger counter, Z eyeballed the building. "What do you think Corporal Vega was doing in an empty warehouse?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you pick the lock and find out?"
She turned to him with brows drawn together. "We do not have a warrant Tony!"
Like that had ever stopped them before. Tony pointed to the sign and prepared to impress her with his astonishing logic, and maybe even get her to smile at him again. "This building is foreclosed, which means it's owned by the banks. And since the people own the banks, I think technically, we own the building."
Ziva just stared at him. "Wow." And whether she agreed or not, the door was opened in a matter of seconds. "There, lock picked. I do not think our friendly neighbourhood counselor would approve."
Tony led the way inside, arcing his flashlight around. "Yeah, well, let her spend a night working homicide. I tell ya, things aren't so black and white when the walls are all splattered with red, are they?"
At those words she stopped and shuddered, the blank metal walls around her suddenly transforming into stone walls warmed by the sun and painted with splashes of bright red blood and faded brown stains that had been fresh days before. She'd often lain in the dust and tried to find pictures inside the splatter, as innocent children did with clouds.
As if Tony's words had only just registered in his brain, he swung back to face her, reading in her posture what they had done to her. "Ziva?"
His voice snapped her back to the present and she blinked, the room once again becoming dark, shadowy, and cold. She swallowed hard and turned her flashlight away from him. "Neither are things quite as black and white when your way of life is threatened."
"I'm sorry." His whisper either never made it to her ears or she chose to ignore it, he couldn't be sure which. Sitting down on a crate, Tony thought about what she said. "Whose way of life?"
Ziva began looking through files in a rusty cabinet. "Saleem used similar justifications for his actions."
That brought his head up fast. Somalia was a forbidden topic. Her bringing it up again meant something. "He was a terrorist Ziva."
She chuckled mirthlessly. "I am sure he would say he was just protecting his way of life." Had she not heard such things over and over and over, until she had almost begun to believe that his side was in the right?
Tony frowned. He did not like where this was going. "You're not seriously defending him, are you?"
Ziva finally faced him again. "No Tony. His actions were...indefensible regardless of his reasons. But that is my point. This country holds itself to a higher standard. It is a nation of laws which are to be followed, not only when it is convenient or easy." Her gaze drifted to a point somewhere over his left shoulder, her tone heavy and sad. "I have seen firsthand what happens when convenience wins out."
The admission didn't sound easy for her to say and Tony was struck dumb by the revelation that him bending a few rules here and there would remind her of what happened when everyone made their own. He stood and moved closer to his wife. "You said you didn't want to talk about it any more."
She shook her head. "There is nothing to talk about. But if America is going to be different from Africa, those who uphold her honour and fight for the justice she holds dear need not to consider themselves above the laws on which their country and her freedoms stand. What Saleem did was bad enough, becoming like him would be worse."
Ouch. That was a blow to the heart. Tony took a deep breath and reached for her hand, hoping she wouldn't pull away. "You're right, I'm sorry. I don't ever want methods and results to mean that someone gets hurt. I'm going to remember that truth now every time I look at you. Will you forgive me?"
Ziva put her hand on his chest, meeting his eyes once more. "Yes. Only please do not forget. This is not easy Tony."
He rubbed his hand down her back. "I know."
NCIS
They discovered someone had been making a bomb, and the clues led them to a bomb scare at a bus station. Once again Gibbs saved the day and their hard work gave the team a group trying to influence the national security vote. So despite the way the day started, the case was wrapped up by quitting time. Ziva had been very quiet in the later part of the day, after the warehouse, and Tony hoped she'd open up to him more when they got home. So he was relieved when she came out of the bedroom in pyjamas looking like she wanted to talk.
Both found migrated to the couch without a word and Ziva took a deep breath, staring at her hands before bringing her eyes up to meet his. "I can see now how much you wanted children, to be a father. I am sorry I cannot give you that."
He sighed and leaned forward to take her hands. "I never thought about it at all until you, until that baby case the first year when you told me there wouldn't be one in our future." Sincerity shone out of his gaze. "And you don't know for sure that you can't get pregnant. I really think we should go see a specialist honey and find out what our alternatives might be." Tony shrugged. "You hear a lot about in vitro these days, maybe something like that could work for us."
At his suggestion Ziva almost looked like she was in pain and closed her eyes. "That is a very expensive procedure Tony. And I know I could not...handle the tests and examinations they would require, not yet." She'd only just recently been able to accept her husband back into her body, let alone the type of foreign medical equipment those tests would require. Brown irises slowly re-emerged to focus on him. "But I am willing to ask Elin what she thinks."
Tony spun her ring. "She can probably give us an amount to work towards at least. I don't see why we can't start saving on the next pay week." He cupped her cheek. "There's no reason the kids thing has to hurt so bad if we can do something about it."
The hopelessness in her posture made him sad. "It would be nice if you were right. But I cannot think that way yet."
He wrapped her in his arms. "We'll figure this out Zi, somehow, I promise." But deep in his heart he knew she'd never believe that unless they got a miracle.
NCIS
Their first date had been uber fancy as befitting the occasion and the milestone, the second went completely the other direction, sharing fish and chips at a small pub on high stools with music playing and a game on the TVs. CJ enjoyed the atmosphere, it felt like less pressure somehow, but it was nice to leave too and walk the quiet backstreets of DC with Brent close enough to touch if she had the nerve.
Several minutes into their stroll, he glanced sideways at her. "So I know I'm not allowed to use your full name, but is there a nickname or a variation of it that you'd be okay with? I'd love to have something to call you that's special, just between us."
She skimmed her fingers over the back of his hand, pulling away before he could link them. "You're really serious about this couple stuff, aren't you?"
"Very," Brent promised.
CJ thought about it. She thought about being Christa-Jean for the first sixteen years of her life, the transition to CJ, her insistence on never being called anything else. But looking at the man beside her, she knew his request meant something and tried to decide what she could handle hearing. Chrissy sounded too babyish and Christy was just a bit too close to Christa. But a shortform? That might work.
"Chris," she said after working through it in her head. Even though it was her cousin's name, a name she'd tried so hard not to think of for the last thirteen years, now that she was learning to trust again, CJ felt like it was a way she could honour her childhood best friend, and have something good attached to his memory instead of the aching loss it had been for so long. "I think I'd be okay with you calling me Chris. But spell it with a 'K', will you? Chris with a 'Ch' looks too much like a boy's name."
He chuckled. "Anne with an 'e'? Someone watched a lot of Green Gables growing up."
"What can I say? My mom was a fan."
"Okay, Kris it is. I won't use it all the time, but it's nice to have permission."
CJ leaned into him briefly, thinking that someday she would tell him exactly what the nickname meant to her. "You're a good guy Brent. I think I'll keep you."
Brent had to resist the urge to stop and stare, clearing his throat instead. "Oh, I hope so." That would be the third best gift he'd ever received.
NCIS
Monday March 8
Ziva left work on time and drove across town to her doctor's office, thankful to be granted a late appointment. Elin was in her office with only the desk and corner lights on and smiled when she stepped inside. "That was quite the cryptic call Ziva. ¿Qué pasó?" What's up?
Ziva lowered herself to a c hair and swallowed. "Tony and I have been...talking about children. You know my history Elin and I do not think it is possible, but Tony wants this so bad and I-"
"So do you," the doctor finished quietly.
"Yes," she admitted softly. "He thought maybe...in vitro?"
Elin sat back in her chair. "I can tell you right now it'll cost you. It's twelve and a half thousand per round."
Ziva blinked and paled at the amount. "And...how many times before there is...no hope?"
Elin sighed. "I wouldn't recommend more than three. The first one often fails, but the doctor learns from that about how your body reacts to the drugs and it still gives you two very good chances. You're young and healthy despite the trauma, so I'd say you have a decent shot. But you'd need to see a fertility specialist first to have the initial exam and tests and find out for sure."
Immediately Ziva shook her head. "No. No, I cannot...face any kind of procedure right now Elin. The summer is still...too close." She stood. "Thank you for the information. We will...have to think about it."
She was gone in an instant and the Spanish lady frowned at the now empty chair. It wasn't like Ziva to be so skittish. This was obviously a very sensitive topic and she resolved to tread carefully if it ever came up again.
NCIS
Ziva was distracted at Ops and Duke knew it, throwing a couple curve balls to try and jog her into the moment, but it didn't work very well and she left before her time was up, which had never happened, and took a long shower before she had to face her husband. At home Ziva sat in her car for twenty minutes thinking about what the doctor had told her and wondering if it was worth the risk. Eventually though she had to go inside and took the armchair instead of the empty space at Tony's side on the couch. "Twelve thousand, five hundred dollars each time, to a max of three tries," she shared heavily. "That is more than two months' salary without any expenses, over four if you take off regular expenses, close to a year when we account for everything else. It is too much Tony."
He scooted forward and wrapped his hands around hers. "No, it's not. We can do this Zi, and if it doesn't work that's okay, but at least we'll know we tried, we didn't give up just because it's hard. I know you want this honey, and I've made no secret of how much I'd love a child with you. Why shouldn't we give it a shot?"
"It would be almost three years before we have enough," Ziva protested. She'd already done the math in her head. "Will we be getting too old by then?" Thirty seemed ancient when she'd never expected to live past her early twenties.
Tony shook his head. "No. It's not too late. Please honey, let's try."
More for him than for herself did Ziva finally nod and stand to accept his hug. Her heart was very heavy that night and she didn't bother even trying to feel hope. It had been too long disappointed and she was so tired of living like that.
NCIS
Wednesday March 10
As soon as Ziva walked into work, Gibbs pointed her towards the back elevator. "Ducky wants to see you."
Puzzled, she dropped her things and headed downstairs. Ducky was waiting in Autopsy, wearing his stethoscope, with a tray of small instruments resting on his desk. "This is your final check up my dear."
Understanding dawned and Ziva willingly submitted to the short physical exam, a last drawing of blood, and let him listen to her heart and lungs. Then Ducky sat at his desk, scrawled his signature, and handed her the medical clearance form. "I think you've been waiting for this news a long time Ziva."
Delighted, she kissed his cheek, ran upstairs to make copies, and delivered the paper to Director Vance's office herself. Scanning the evaluation, Leon nodded. "Very good. Agent David, it is my pleasure to welcome you back to full duty on Special Agent Gibbs' team and to officially partner you with Agent DiNozzo again. Congratulations, you've earned it."
Barely containing her excitement, Ziva smiled. "Thank you Director." On her way down she texted Tony with, Back elevator, now. 4th floor, and hurried there. One floor down the doors opened to reveal her husband, breathing a little hard from the rush to follow her instructions.
"Hey, what's up?"
She pulled him inside and threw her arms around him. "We are partners again."
He moved back to look at her. "Really?"
Ziva handed him the form. "Yes."
"That's awesome news!" Tony hugged her so enthusiastically he lifted her right off the floor, then kissed her the same way. "I've been waiting a long time to get my partner back."
"Me too." She returned the caress, then opened the doors and pushed him out. "Back to work, Gibbs," she explained, blowing him a kiss and taking the elevator to their floor.
Ziva was perched on the corner of Gibbs' desk when he got back from a coffee run and waved the white sheet at him. "Cleared!" she announced with a grin.
He took it from her, read Ducky's notes, and squeezed her knee. "That's my girl." Which, of course, only made Ziva smile wider.
NCIS
A rather ecstatic Ziva David took the steps two at a time into Ops that night and handed over the clearance paperwork to Duke like a little girl showing her parents a straight A report card. "You can stop being careful with me now," she told him a bit smugly.
He glared good naturedly. "I'm the trainer here David, I give the orders." Duke added the information to her file. "And I also say it's about time you were doing more cardio." He nodded towards the treadmill. "Start slow, fifteen minutes, then we'll check your heartrate."
Her nose wrinkled at the restriction. "That is not very much."
His eyebrows lifted. "I can make it ten."
Ziva backpedaled. "Then again, fifteen minutes sounds wonderful."
Duke grunted. "Thought so."
She rolled her eyes. "You are beginning to sound like Gibbs."
"I'm a Marine David, comes with the territory. Now stop yakking and get on the machine."
Ziva did so with the same determination he'd watched her tackle everything else in the last few months. At the end of their session he handed her a bottle of water. "No bad."
Her expression was hopeful. "Does that mean I can go on my own?"
He crossed his arms. "You pace yourself, stay under twenty minutes until I say so. Got it?"
Ziva saluted. "Yes sir."
Duke fought the urge to smack her with his clipboard for being cheeky. "Get out of here."
She started to leave, but at the door to the locker rooms turned back. "I will be coming every day now. I need to get back into shape."
His eyes roamed over her figure but he bit his tongue to keep from correcting her. Only when Ziva could see herself that way would she be convinced that she was actually in shape. "Fine, but I'm limiting you to one hour only." Her mouth started to open in protest but Duke shook his head. "No. No arguing. It'll be less if you do. Stay any longer and I'll have to start charging you rent."
"Fine." The word came out a bit biting. "Am I allowed to spar again Your Highness?"
Duke almost expected the lip since few dared tread upon the former assassin's independence, for those who did usually paid a painful price. He knew he was one of the few she let get away with bossing her around, and only because he had far more experience than she did. "We'll talk about that tomorrow. Now go home to your husband. Tony probably already thinks of me as competition."
Ziva laughed and ignored him. Duke was one man Tony never had to worry about.
NCIS
Tony was sitting at the table, reading the paper and picking at a warmed up plate of leftovers from a couple days ago when she got home. Ziva dropped into the chair across from him with a smile. "I got to run tonight! And Duke said I can do it on my own again. It is perfect timing now that the weather is beginning to warm up. Going outside is much better and I love to watch the sunrise while I'm out. He may also let me spar with the others soon." She borrowed his coffee for a sip and grimaced when she found it lukewarm. "Now that I am physically healthy, I can get back into real training - five days a week at the gym, barring any issues at work of course." She stood and kissed him before going to put her things away, thinking that soon life would be able to get back to normal, because this was the start.
Her husband, on the other hand, stayed frozen in the same position and listened to her words echo in his head over and over again. She'd be running every morning and training every evening, they'd only see each other at work and the closest he would be to her was when they slept in the same bed at night. Ziva was acting like it was a great thing, and on some level he knew how important it was for her to get her body back into the same shape it was before she left ten months ago. But right now all Tony could see was his wife moving farther away, and it didn't seem fair when he'd only just gotten her back. But he couldn't say any of that without ruining her happiness, and she didn't get enough of it these days so he was determined not to rain on her parade. But boy was he ever going to miss her.
Replies:
Christie - I'm glad to hear that. After all the crap they've been slogging through since Sept, T&Z really deserved a nice, relaxed, romantic evening. Thank you. Yeah, me too. Especially when I started writing Tony in RofS I knew there was more to this guy than all the surface stuff we saw on the show. You'd see it occasionally, like when he was with Jeanne, when Ziva was hurt, when Jenny died, in The Missionary Position when he talked about carrying a lot, but I like being able to expand on those moments. He keeps a lot hidden, as if to show a serious side would get him made fun of (which it might), but it's nice that Z gets to be the recipient. Aw, that's sweet that you want to protect him. You might have to fight Z for the role tho ;) I'm finding it a bit hard to focus on A&E as well, I like them both but they're the easy ones so they tend to get lost in the shuffle of everything else. But I am very much looking forward to sharing the rest of B&CJ's story. It's been awhile since we had a good group scene, I'll have to work on that. Hm...that's nice of you to say. While my Christmas won't necessarily be ideal this year because of some stuff going on with my family, I look forward to a few key traditions and a New Year's Eve get together at my best friend's house. On that note, after this chapter I'm taking some time off to regroup and get caught up. My story notes are a bit fragmented right now and I need to sit down and get back into the swing of things. Since I probably won't talk to you again before the holidays, have a very Merry Christmas and thank you for your loyal support and lovely reviews. It is all very much appreciated. ~Aliyah
