There had been something very strange about Peter's words, as if something he had said had been… Remus could not put his finger on what it was and yet, with the passing weeks, he was growing restless beyond what was to expect with the increasing casualties and the general feeling of not being safe anymore.
This sort of agitation seemed to come from within.
Some weeks after that visit to the Potters, Peter had come over to visit him. He had looked pale and worn and Remus had asked him if he was feeling all right. First hesitantly and then with some sort of haste, Peter had repeated his fears about Sirius. Only this time he had asked Remus to keep an eye open. Just as unexpectedly as the first time, he had gone right afterwards, leaving Remus with a lot to think about.
Was Peter right? Was there something fishy about Sirius?
The idea was so strange, so incoherent, so far-fetched Remus would have laughed when he had first heard it. Except this was no time for laughter. People from within the Ministry had been discovered passing information to Death Eaters, scared families had decided to join Voldemort's ranks in order to protect their members.
Was it too strange, then, to suspect that somebody from within the Order of the Phoenix had turned to them as well?
Sometimes everything seemed to point to that theory. Missions going terribly wrong, people getting caught with apparent ease, almost as if the Death Eaters could anticipate their every movement, and what better way to do so than having one of them inside the Order.
But who was that person?
Dumbledore, of course, refused to believe any of them was betraying the group. He was adamant whenever that subject was discussed, which caused both Moody and the Longbottoms to roll their eyes impatiently. Deep down, though, Remus was sure Dumbledore was not as trusty as he seemed to be. Few things escaped that man's gaze.
And yet, what if this particular thing was indeed escaping him?
Was there a traitor in the Order? Was it Sirius?
Remus sighed. He had been standing outside a small house, waiting for his occupant to go out. Of course he could just use the Floo network or Disapparate right away making him close to impossible to follow, and yet, he had to be sure. For months now Remus had stood on this very spot, waiting for something to happen while wishing he was completely wrong,
Because, despite everything Peter had hinted about Sirius, Remus had felt something about it was wrong. And the only thing he could come up with had been the messenger: there was something strange in Peter; that had been clear from the beginning. The Peter he knew from school would not have talked like that, he would have followed Sirius and tried to expose him, at least to get some credit for unmask the traitor. That was the way Peter worked, wasn't it?
Was it possible that he was the traitor? Was it possible, even, that he would spread rumours about Sirius in order to make Remus suspect him instead?
Is seemed so strange a theory and Remus felt guilty for thinking like that... and yet, there was this feeling, something deep inside him. What if he was right? What if it was Peter the one working for the Death Eaters?
More than once the idea of confronting him instead of spying on him had passed his mind. He could easily cross the street and knock on the Pettigrews door. He could just tell Peter he wanted to talk to him and bluntly ask him if he had been dealing with people outside the Order. Maybe it all was a mistake and they would later laugh about it.
There was of course the possibility to talk to James and Sirius; he could tell them that it was terribly sorry to think this, but nonetheless they were at war it and would be foolish not to trust their instincts when there was something that didn't seem to be all right.
He could not. He could not go to Sirius and tell him Peter was suspecting him. He was no gossipy spinster! What sort of friend would tell them to stop trusting one of them? What if he was terribly mistaken? Still… what if Peter was right? What if Sirius was the one working for them?
Maybe he, Remus, was making a fool of himself, not to mention wasting so many hours doing extra guard duty instead of catching up with his sleep or just working more for the Order.
Remus sighed again. Peter had shut the light of his bedroom. He could go home for the night, he needed some rest after all.
How long would he have to continue like this, he did not know. Maybe somebody else was the traitor and maybe he or she would be discovered soon, proving that all of this had been a waste of time. That was the best scenario he could hope for.
Remus had just arrived home when a Patronus materialised on his living room.
"Moony, we have bad news, please come as soon as you can."
The stag had not yet vanished and Remus had already Disapparated to Godric's Hallow.
"How on Earth can you say that?" James' angry voice was audible even before he had stopped spinning. It was coming from inside the house. "He's a friend! We've been to a lot together! There's no mistrusting him, Sirius, do you hear me?"
Remus froze on the spot.
"I don't like it more than you do, Prongs," Sirius said, "but you have to look at the facts. Where is he all the time? He's always tired and I know there's something he's not telling us."
"It could be anything," Lily said, "what makes you think hiding something makes you a traitor?"
For a second Remus though about knocking loudly and pretend he had not eavesdropped on them, but his curiosity was even stronger.
"You can't hide stuff when there's a war going on," Sirius replied grimly. "Besides he's been acting strange for a long time now."
"What do you mean strange?" James asked.
"There's not just… I mean… there are a lot of things different about him. Like, moving out his parents and not telling anybody? Getting a job?"
Remus blood froze on his veins. Surely no…
"That was ages ago," Lily protested.
"Ever since we joined the Training Programme he's grown more distant every time."
"Of course he has," she spoke again, "I've told you millions of times. How would you think Remus feels? He's been rejected while you too have been accepted. And only because of what he is…"
Remus wanted to go away, somewhere else, he did not want to hear any further for he could perfectly imagine what they would say any time now. But he could not. His feet wouldn't move and his ears wouldn't stop listening.
"That's my point," Sirius said. "What if he's planning on joining them?"
"With everything Dumbledore just told us, with all that could happen to us, how do you dare not trusting Remus' loyalties? Are you mental?" James cried.
"No I'm not! Remember what you told me about that time Greyback stopped by. He told him he'll be back to fetch him later. What if he had? What if Remus is planning on joining them? What if he already has?"
For a moment nobody spoke, and then Remus could hear Lily speaking so soft it was difficult to make out her words.
"What if he has?" she repeated. "He'll be with them; maybe he'll be happier this way…"
"Maybe," James said, and Remus' fear seemed to crush him on realising his voice was not indignant anymore, but thoughtful, "and it would not be bad if Greyback wasn't working for the Death Eaters."
Nobody spoke for a long moment and Remus felt he could not take it any longer.
Making loud noises, he climbed the short steps and knocked on the door. Maybe it was his imagination but it felt as if he had startled the people inside the house.
The tip of a wand pointed at him.
"It is I," he said, trying hard to make his voice sound normal, "Remus."
"Oh, hello," James opened the door, he was smiling feebly and for a brief moment, Remus thought about pointing his own wand at his neck and cry out every thought that was running through his mind?
Me? Joining the werewolves? After all I know about them? You were there, James! With me, when Moody told us all about them! You know how it is! You've seen them. And you still believe I'd join them?
"You coming in?" James asked, an eyebrow arched.
"Sure."
Remus walked into the living room. Sirius and Lily were there, quiet. Even if he had not listened to their conversation the atmosphere was that of people who had hastily interrupted something.
"Remus, so glad you could make it," Lily said.
"You all right, mate?"
How do you dare asking if I am right? I've not joined Greyback, not the Death Eaters! I'd never do that! And yes I'm perfectly fine! Or I was right before finding out what you think about me!
"Fine, fine, what happened?" he tried hard to keep the coolness out of his voice but he feared he was failing miserably.
"Let's wait for Peter to join us, shall we?" Lily said, pointing at a chair for Remus to sit.
She looked very pale; he would want to ask her what was going on but the cold fury inside him was ordering him to keep his mouth shut and his fists clenched.
Nobody spoke for a moment and when somebody finally knocked on the door, the relief was almost tangible. James stood up and a second later, he came back, Peter trailing behind. He gave everybody a weak smile.
"Sorry it took me some time, I was asleep," he said.
"We're sorry for having called you this late, mate," James said. "The thing is," he addressed the rest, "something serious has happened and Dumbledore wants us to go into hiding. He'll be here anytime to perform the spell."
"Why?" Remus asked, his curiosity much stronger than his fury.
"Apparently he had a tip off Voldemort is coming after us," he said simply.
Remus looked at Lily, her eyes were fierce and they seemed much bigger in her pale face.
"Why you?" Peter asked.
"I don't know," James replied.
It all seemed so strangely calm. They were talking about the most powerful wizard of all times targeting them and yet there were no cries, no outraged expressions, apparently not even fear.
"Dumbledore's suggested we perform a Fidelius Charm on this house and we'd stay in here until this all this gets sorted out-"
"Wait a moment," Remus said, "what sort of tip off that was? I mean, we've been hearing a lot of things and half of them had been true at all. How does Dumbledore know this one is for real?"
"This is my wife and son we're talking about," James said and the coldness of his voice hit Remus as a curse. "I won't sit and wait. We're not taking risks."
"So you need a secret keeper," Sirius said, matter-of-factly. "I'll do it."
At Remus' side, Peter seemed to want to say something, but he closed his mouth.
Who's right? Peter? Sirius? Is any of them a traitor?
"Dumbledore's volunteered to be the secret keeper," Lily said.
"I don't think that's a great idea," James replied. "He's way too important and the sure target of many Death Eaters."
"Better chose somebody unimportant," Peter said softly. "It could be me."
Remus could not take it any longer. He was not able to distinguish true from lies anymore but maybe there was still something he could do. For if any of them was the traitor, James and Lily could as well knock on Voldemort's door and if it was in his power, he needed to stop them.
"I'll do it," Remus stood up. "I'll be your secret keeper, James."
He could feel the atmosphere drop several degrees while they all were looking at each other.
It was Lily the one who spoke first, and later Remus would say that the fact that it had been her had hurt the most.
"I don't think so, Remus. Thank you." Her smile did not reach her eyes. "But… you're always so busy and working so hard. We… we wouldn't want to burden you with this."
"Yeah, mate, there's no need…"
James voice died. Inside, Remus' fury seemed too great to be contained.
"There are so many lies going on all around us. So many hidden things…" he didn't know how to go on.
He wanted to point at Sirius and at Peter. He wanted to say he had been suspecting Peter and that he had been suspecting Sirius. And that he knew none of them trusted him and that whatever he said, they would not believe him.
"I think it'll be better if Sirius does it," James spoke again, but Remus barely heard him.
What a fragile thing trust was and how terrible it was to lose them.
"Fine," he finally said. "Fine."
He looked at each of them for a moment.
He wished he could see there what he had always seen back at school, friendship, complicity, comfort. He could not find any of it.
Without another word, he turned on his heels and headed to the door. A moment later he had Apparated at his apartment.
Bent over on the floor, he felt weak and lonelier than ever.
AN: Yeah, it is getting darker and I'm sorry. Bright times will come to Remus, but not yet.
I'd like give some special thanks to TearsOfaSingingPhoenix, who's leave two fantastic reviews both here and at Tonks'. Thank you very much! Also very many thanks to login password [thanks for finding mistakes!], tt crews [yeah, James is still fighting, but Lily isn't], QueenCobraWing, strukkfirst, NeverBeenDarkMarked, ludmilla, Louey06!
Cheers!
