Chapter 29: Swiss Family Griffins

(AN: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I kept writing and rewriting this chapter which each had a different plot before I settled on this one. That and sharing a room with a noisy ass little brother can put a damper on your creativity and concentration. Anyway, enjoy.)

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon at the Griffin home. In the front lawn, Zack Murdock was raking up all the leaves into a huge pile.

"That's the last of one," said Zack as he wiped the sweat from his brow, "Now I'm going inside to leave this huge pile of leaves unsupervised while I get a nice glass of lemonade."

As Zack walks into the house, Maddie peers from behind a nearby tree to see if her father left.

"Target sighted," she said as she looked at the pile of leaves, "Commence operation: leaf jump."

She then makes a mad dash to the leaves, takes a running leap and prepares to land in a pile of brown, red, and yellow goodness... but is then suddenly grabbed midair by the collar by her father.

"Nice try, squirt," said Zack, "You'd have to pull a fast one on me to jump into my leaf pile."

"LEAF PILE!!!" screamed Peter as he jumped all over the leaves, spreading them out.

"Nice work there, man child," said Zack, "I've gotta start all over again and that'll take forever!"

"Wow, Peter," said Joe as he wheeled by with Cleveland and Quagmire behind him, "Your yard looks like a mess."

"Yeah, Peter," said Cleveland, "Your yard has more mixed colors than an interracial porno."

"Ah, look at this mess," said Peter, "Well, it's nobody's fault... except Meg's."

"This mess wasn't her fault," said Zack, "How is it her fault?"

"Well her very existence depressed me so much that I needed some happiness," said Peter, "And your pile of leaves made me the happiest man on Earth, and it was all Meg's fault."

"...You're full of sh(bleep)t, you know that?" asked Zack.

"Have you guys thought about investing in a leaf blower?" asked Cleveland.

"Yeah, it makes the job much faster and easier," said Joe, "Look at me. Using a leaf blower instead of rake gives me more time to do things."

"Like what?" asked Peter, "You're handicapped. What can you do on your free time except sit there and reminisce on your glory days when you can walk."

"Lot's of things, like... well... there's... the thing..." said Joe as he tried to think, "SHUT THE HELL UP! I HAVE A LEAF BLOWER AND YOU DON'T!!!"

"I've got one too," said Quagmire, "It's custom made."

He then straps a leaf blower around his waist where the hose is dangling from the front like a... well use your imagination. A few young women then walk by.

"Hey girls," said Quagmire slyly, "Wanna help me blow my load... of leaves? Giggity giggity!"

"How fitting," said Zack impressed.

"Well that settles it," said Peter, "We are going to go over to the store and buy a leaf blower! No more will I live like a caveman in the modern age."

Cutaway

A Caveman walks out of the computer store with a brand new computer.

"Hey, look at that," said a random man from down the street, "He has a Pentium 4."

"What a caveman!" said the other as they all laughed at him.

The caveman then scowls.

End Cutaway

Later, Peter and Zack travel to SEARS to purchase a leaf blower.

"Remember, we're here to get a leaf blower," said Zack, "Nothing else! Understand?"

"Don't you worry about a thing," said Peter, "I am totally focused. I am a tiger looking for it's prey and that leaf blower's the prey! I will not be distracted by anything."

"Can I help you?" asked the usual sleazy salesman.

"...What's that?" asked Peter pointing to a flamethrower.

"DAMNIT!" shouted Zack.

"Why this is a state of the art Torchmaster 5000 flamethrower," said the salesman, "This baby can shoot out a flame 6 feet in front of you and cause carnage for miles."

"My god... he said baby! It has to be good!" said Peter, "Babies are good. We have to buy it!"

"Peter, we're here to buy a leaf blower, not a freaking flamethrower," said Zack, "Now get us to a good leaf blower!"

"Fine, but answer me this," said the salesman, "Let's say your house catches on fire. Can you use a leaf blower to save your family? No, because it will just make the flames bigger. So what do you do? You fight fire with fire."

"...Wait, that doesn't make any sense!" said Zack.

"OR it makes so little sense that it actually makes PERFECT sense!" said Peter, "I'll take it!"

"Peter..." groaned Zack as he placed his palm onto his face.

"Relax, Zack. I've got it all under control" said Peter, "Man, this flame thrower could make me cooler than Batman!"

Cutaway

Batman is swinging on the rooftops of Gotham city in the dead of the night while the opening theme to Batman: The Animated series plays and a manly announcer voice speaks.

Batman's put the Joker in Arkahm, saved Gotham City countless times, and even defeated Superman.

Batman then lands in front of a kid who is eating a bowl of cereal.

But can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

"Is it the delicious swirls of Cinnamon and sugar found in every bite?" asked Batman.

"Uh... yes it is..." said the kid in shock.

Yeah... He's that damn good.

End Cutaway

Later at home, Peter is showing off the flamethrower to the rest of the family.

"You bought a flamethrower?!?!" asked Lois in shock and frustration, "Do you know how dangerous those things are?"

"You'll all be thanking me when I use this to stop the mutant underground mole people from invading our home," said Peter.

"Dad, how could you afford a flamethrower?" asked Meg.

"I found some money lying around in your room," said Peter.

"DAD, THAT WAS MY COLLEGE FUND!" shouted Meg angrily.

"Hey, is it my fault you just left it sitting out there with no way of me knowing?" asked Peter.

"IT WAS IN A JAR WITH THE WORDS MEG'S COLLEGE FUND, JACKASS!!!" shouted Meg with rage.

"How dare you call me names," said Peter, "After all the nice things that I've done for you."

"You shoved her down the basement an hour ago," said Chris, "I wouldn't call that nice."

"Shut up, Chris," said Peter.

"Peter, a flamethrower is dangerous," said Lois, "Especially in a house with two babies. What if they get their hands on-"

"Hang on Lois. there's a bug in your hair," said Peter as he pulled out the flamethrower and a shot a huge burst of flame at Lois who ducked at the last second.

"PETER!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?" shouted Lois.

"At least you ducked in time," said Zack as he walked into the room with his face charred and his hair, goatee, and eyebrows all missing. He then sticks his thumb into his mouth and blows, causing all his hair to grow back.

"Umm... how did you do that?" asked Meg uncomfortably.

"Sight gag," responded Zack.

"Sight what?" asked Brian.

"Uh, nevermind," said Zack.

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie angrily, "The fatman gets a flamethrower, but not me? I haven't been this outraged since I saw the live action Super Mario Bros. Movie."

Flashback

Stewie was sitting in a movie theater, trying to contemplate everything he just saw. He then silently walks out of the theater and takes a look at the theater sign. It reads "Super Mario Bros.". He then angrily kicks a nearby puppy.

End Flashback

Later outside, Peter, Chris, and Brian are in the front yard looking at all the leaves on the ground.

"It's going to take us forever to clean up this mess," said Chris.

"Not with the Torchmaster 5000 it won't," said Peter.

"Peter, you can't burn leaves without a permit," said Brian, "It's against the law."

"But I am not burning leaves," said Peter, "I am merely lighting my lawn on fire to kill the pests in my wife's garden that are destroying the plants she loves and holds dear, but the leaves just so happen to be sitting there. Is that against the law?"

"Yes, it's called arson," said Brian.

"You call it arson, I call it a testament of my love to Lois, but Zack calls it jackassery no matter what I do," said Peter, "Now stand back."

Peter then sets the lawn on fire with the flamethrower which destroys the leaves and the grass, leaving nothing but a black smokey ground.

"Wow, that was awesome, dad!" said Chris with glee, "You got rid of all the leaves!"

"Wait, what happened to Lois' garden?" asked Brian as he looked around.

"Who cares?" said Peter.

Later, the family is sitting in the living room watching TV when Maddie walks into the room crying with her clothes ripped and her body bruised.

"Oh my gosh! What happened?" asked Meg with worry as she hugged her precious baby.

"That bully from down the street teased me and beat me up at school today," sobbed Maddie, "Grandpa, can I borrow the flamethrower tomorrow?"

"Go ahead," said Peter.

"Peter! That's irresponsible!" said Lois, "She'll hurt herself!"

"Aw geez, your grandmother's right," said Peter, "You better put on some goggles and gloves for protection."

"No!" said Meg as she hugged Maddie tightly, "Honey it's okay. Mommy's here..."

"You what you need?" asked Peter, "Some cheering up! That is why I am going to make Brian jump through a flaming hoop! Now I'm going to put on these flame retardant gloves... heheheheheh, I said retardant!"

Peter then sets a hula hoop on fire while wearing flame retardant gloves.

"I'm not jumping through that hoop!" said Brian.

"Brian, this is a little girl's happiness at stake," said Peter, "Are you telling me that you hate seeing little girls being happy?"

"Oh yeah, like I haven't heard that tactic used enough by the Bush Administration," said Brian as he rolled his eyes.

"C'mon! Just jump through the hoop!" begged Peter.

"Fine..." said Brian, "But I'm doing this for Maddie."

Brian then jumps, but falls halfway, landing within the hoop. His fur then catches on fire.

"OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!" he screams as he runs around in a circle.

"Quick Brian," shouted Lois, "Stop, drop and roll!!!"

Brian then does as instructed. He puts himself out, but not without some patches of fur being burnt and missing.

"Oh my god, Brian... You broke my hula hoop you son of a bitch!" said Peter as he then earned the angry glares of everyone else in the room, "What?"

At that moment, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it," said Lois as she goes to answer the door. There stood Valarie, Jillian, and her children, "Hello Valerie. What brings you here?"

"I've got news for Zack," said Valarie, "Your great grandfather, Amos McDuff, passed away."

"Out of curiosity, how did your grandfather pass away?" asked Brian to Valarie.

Flashback

A Scotsman known as Amos McDuff who resembled Zack, except he was really old, was watching TV.

"And the winner of the 2008 election and our new US president is... Barack Obama!" said the TV announcer.

"WHAT?!?! That lousy Ni- AAAAAAAUUUGGHHHH!!!" he screamed as he clutched his heart and died from a heart attack.

End Flashback

"It's better that you don't know," said Valarie in embarrassment.

"Poor great grandpa Amos," said Zack sadly, "I loved the man. You would always take us to his summer home for a visit. My heart aches with grief."

"We all get to inherit stuff!" said Jillian.

"But suddenly it feels better," said Zack suddenly upbeat.

"So what did you guys get?" asked Chris.

"He left me his old grandfather clock," said Jillian, "It smelled funny, though. Wonder why?"

Flashback

A teenaged Valarie and a teenaged Lois stumbled drunkly into the living room of Amos' mansion while holding onto their stomachs.

"Oh man. I, like, feel so queasy," slurred Valarie, "Maybe we shouldn't have drank that whole keg..."

"I knew this dare was a bad idea," slurred Lois, "I think I'm gonna hurl!"

Lois then throws up into the grandfather clock.

"Lois? Are you-" she said before she, too, threw up into the grandfather clock. She and Lois then pass out.

End Flashback

"It probably just needs some cleaning," said Valarie, "Anyway, he left me his art collection."

"What kind of paintings did you get?" asked Lois.

"Van Gogh, Picasso, Da Vinci, Disney... you know, the ones who have stupid names," said Valarie.

"What am I getting?" asked Zack.

"In his will he said he's leaving his yacht," said Jillian.

"Really?" asked Zack in surprise, "No way!"

"Wow, Zack, congratulations," said Lois.

"We've gotta celebrate!" said Zack, "This weekend, we and all our friends are having a yacht party

"Did you hear that, Maddie?" asked Meg with excitement, "We're having a party!"

"Awesome!" said Maddie, "I've always wanted to be out at sea."

"Me too," said Tilly, "I was gonna go crazy if I had to be cooped up in a room with CJ this weekend."

Flashback

In Tilly and CJ's room, Tilly has a lot of huge machinery operating in the room, taking up about one third of the entire room. CJ then walks into the room.

"Hey, sis. Is it alright if I play with my toys here?" asked CJ as he puts down a few small toys to play with.

"UGH!!! You always take up too much space in this room!" complained Tilly.

End Flashback

Later that weekend out at the sea, the family and neighbors were having the party Zack's new yacht. The guests where the following people: Jillian, Tilly, CJ, Valarie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe, Bonnie, Kevin, Jack and Phoebe. Everybody had been partying for hours.

"Awesome idea, bro," said Jack as he was limboing.

"Yeah, it was so nice of you to invite us all," said Phoebe, "You didn't have to do this."

"Hey, I wanted to share the wealth," said Zack, "What good is having a yacht without friends to share it with?"

"Well, I'm pooped," said Quagmire.

"Me too," said Phoebe, "I'm going to go lie down."

The guests then leave the deck, leaving Lois to clean up the whole mess they left during the party.

"Look at this mess," said Lois, "Peter, I want you to clean this up."

"What? But half this stuff isn't even mine!" said Peter.

"You're right," said Zack pointing to a bunch of beer cans and junk food wrappers, "It's ALL yours."

"Oh fine," said Peter as he picks up most of the trash and tosses it out to sea

"Dad, you shouldn't be throwing the trash into the ocean," said Meg, "It's pollution!"

"C'mon, Meg," said Peter, "What's the worse thing it could do?"

Meanwhile underneath the ship in the vast ocean, Ariel (AKA The Little Mermaid) was quickly swimming around an ocean filled with oil, trash, and the bones of her dead fish companions.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYY?????" she shouts out across the sea.

Back on the ship, Maddie walks by looking a little green.

"Poor baby," said Meg as she picked her up, "What's the matter?"

"I don't know..." said Maddie all woozy like, "I feel kinda sea sick."

Meg then walks over to the edge of the boat where Maddie throws up into the ocean.

"OH COME ONE!!!" screamed Ariel in frustration.

"Well I want you to clean this mess properly while I go put Stewie to bed. He's really cranky right now," said Lois as she walked away.

"Of course I'm awfully cranky," said Stewie, "I was having a sexy party but it was rudely interrupted."

Flashback

Somewhere earlier on the yacht, Stewie is chasing around a bunch of women in their lingerie giggling. They then stop, dance and run around again.

"What the hell is going on over here?" asked Maddie as she Tilly and CJ walked into the scene.

"I believe Stewie is participating in festivities involving erotica through the means of scantily clad women," said Tilly as everyone else blinked at her, "He's having a sexy party."

"Alright! Sexy part!" shouted CJ as he took off his shirt and did the truffle shuffle.

"Eeeek! It's hideous!" shouted the woman in horror as she looked at CJ's fat ripple.

"It's almost hypnotic!" said another as they ran away screaming.

"Quick ladies! You'll be safe in here!" said Quagmire as they all ran into his quarters. He then puts out a Do Not Disturb sign and locks the room.

End Flashback

As soon as Lois, Zack, and Meg leave sight, Peter whips out his flamethrower.

"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Brian.

"What does it look like?" asked Peter, "I'm going to dispose of this mess."

"Peter, you can't use that flamethrower," said Brian, "It's dangerous. The ship will catch on fire!"

"Brian, look around you," said Peter, "What are we on? What are we surrounded by? The ship is on water. We are practically invincible. Now who's the idiot?"

"Ooh! I know! It's Brian! Brian's the idiot!" sang Chris, "Brian's the idiot! Brian's the idiot! Hahahahaha!!! Hahahahahaha!!! Hahahahaha! Hahaha- Oh I poo'd myself."

"Now stand back while I take out the trash," said Peter as he shot his flamethrower, accidentally setting the ship on fire.

"You know, I'd gloat right now if you hadn't doomed us all," said Brian, "...Oh what the hell. Yeeeeeah! Told you so!"

"What do we do?" panicked Chris.

"Stay calm," said Peter, "Just let me think..."

Flashback

"Fine, but answer me this," said the salesman, "Let's say your house catches on fire. Can you use a leaf blower to save your family? No, because it will just make the flames bigger. So what do you do? You fight fire with fire."

End Flashback

"That's what we'll do!" said Peter, "We'll fight fire with fire!"

"Peter, that's the stupidest logic I've ever heard!" said Brian annoyed.

"Stupid?... or freaking brilliant?" asked Peter as he tried to fight the fire with fire only to make the flames bigger, "No, you're right. It IS stupid logic."

"What's going on?" asked Bonnie.

"MY YACHT!!!" shouted Zack.

"You see, Zack, there comes a time where when an event happens it's nobody's fault-" said Peter.

"Quick, dad, use this!" said Meg as she handed Peter a fire extinguisher.

Peter then hastily tosses the extinguisher into the fire. It blows up and makes the fire even bigger.

"Here's another one!" said Zack as he handed him another fire extinguisher, "This time do it right!"

"Way ahead of you," said Peter as he held it upright... and tossed it into the fire causing it to explode and make the flames bigger.

"PETER! He said do it right!" said Joe.

"I did!" said Peter, "I had it upside down last time!"

"We've got to abandon ship!" said Valarie, "Get the life boat ready!"

With that, everyone hastily gets onto the life boat and drift away from the burning sinking yacht.

"My grandpa's yacht!" said Zack sadly, "You burnt down my grandpa's yacht!"

"I know! I can't believe it either," said Peter, "It must've been made of something crappy, like wood... or Meg."

"Oh that's it!" said Zack as he was about to strangle Peter, but Lois stops him.

"Zack that's enough," said Lois, "The important thing is that we're all alive."

"I wonder what happened to my sexy party girls?" asked Stewie.

"I'm pretty sure they made it out in time," said Maddie.

After the yacht completely sinks, a bunch of women's underwear floats to the surface.

"Well look on the bright side," said Joe, "So you lost your grandfather's most prized possession. It could've been worse."

"Yeah," said Peter, "We could've been hit by a tidal wave."

At that very moment, a huge tidal wave is coming their way.

"I hate you..." said Zack.

"Join the club," said Meg.

The wave then comes crashing down on the family, destroying their lifeboat. 5 hours later, Zack slowly regains consciousness and finds him, and everyone else on a beach.

"Ugh... my head," groaned Zack.

"Is everybody alright?" asked Lois as she too gained consciousness.

"I think so," said Meg as she looked at her new surroundings, "Where are we?"

"I'm not sure, but I think we're on a desert island," said Brian.

"Really? Cool!" said Jillian as she ran up to a tree and bit it, "OW! This doesn't taste like candy at all!"

"I said desert island, not DESSERT island," said Brian.

"Your point being?" asked Jillian.

"Great. Now we're stranded," said Phoebe.

"You know, this wouldn't have happened if you didn't set the ship on fire!" said Zack.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get him!"

"Hey, YOU were the one who got the ship!" said Peter.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"Well you're the one who bought the flamethrower!" said Zack.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"Well you're the one who wanted a leaf blower in the first place!" said Peter.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"You're the one who jumped in the pile of leaves!" said Zack.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"We'll YOU'RE the one who chose to marry Meg and thus causing a chain of events to happen including this one," said Peter.

"..." Zack thinks for a moment, "...You win this one, Griffin..."

"So which one do we get?" asked Joe.

"Enough!" said Lois, "Blaming each other isn't going to get us anywhere."

"Mom's right," said Meg, "We're going to have to figure out a way to get off this island."

"Relax, I'm a natural born survival," said Peter, "I know exactly what to do."

"Are you sure about that, Mr. Griffin?" asked Phoebe.

"I'm positive," said Peter, "It's in my blood. I'll be just like my ancestor, Robinson Crusoe Griffin."

Flashback

On a desert island, a man in tattered rag that looks just like Peter is lying down on a hammock.

"When you're done with that, Friday, I need another coconut shake," said Robinson.

A man resembling Zack in tribesman clothing walks by.

"God, I hope my descendant never meets yours," said Friday annoyed.

End Flashback

"And he never did," said Peter as Zack blankly stares at him, "What?"

"The first thing we have to do is find some food," said Zack.

We don't need to do that," said Peter, "We'll all just resort to cannibalism. Bonnie will go first since she's basically a two for one meal."

"What? You can't possibly be serious!" said Bonnie in horror.

"Sorry, but he does have a point, Bonnie," said Joe.

"No one has to eat anyone," said Tilly, "Judging by the environment and plantlife, I'm pretty sure there's some form of supplement on the island."

"Smart Jillian's right," said Peter, "Meg, you're dispensable. You go into that dark jungle and get us some wood."

"No way!" said Meg, "Besides, Maddie got sick from the yacht and I think the tidal wave made her feel worse. I'm not leaving my baby out of my sight!"

"I don't feel so good..." groaned Maddie as she coughs up some water and a fish.

"Ah geez, you're right," said Peter, "You should take her with you."

"I'll go get food," said Kevin, "The jungle is too dangerous of a place for a girl and your baby needs you."

"Thanks Kevin," said Meg, "That is so sweet of you."

Zack then rolls his eyes. He's still a little uneasy about Kevin and still remembers the dream he had while he was in a coma. He was going to keep his eye on him.

"I'm going with him!" said Zack, "I also want to find food for my family. My loving family and my loving wife who would never leave me for someone else..."

Zack and Kevin then leave the group.

"You know what we should do while wait for them?" asked Peter, "We should play a game of charades."

"That kinda sounds like fun," said Lois.

"I like charades," said Bonnie.

"Okay, I'm thinking of a movie," said Peter as then begins to do a bunch of silly gestures.

"Brokeback mountain!" said Joe.

"Gone with the Wind," said Bonnie.

"Superman Returns!" said Chris.

"Fight Club!" said Meg.

"Batman!" shouted Stewie, "Batman Returns! Batman Forever! Batman & Robin! Batman Begins! Batman Ends! Batman Goes to the Laundromat! Batman & Another Cheap Cash in on his intellectual property!"

Lois then looks up in the sky and sees an airplane.

"AIRPLANE!!!" shouted Lois as Peter ignored her, "AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE!"

"Lois, please," said Peter annoyed, "If you got it wrong the first time, don't try again the next 7 times."

"No, there's an airplane above us!" said Lois.

"We're saved" said Quagmire, "OVER HERE!!!"

"Oh, they can't hear us," said Lois, "We need to gain their attention, somehow."

"Way ahead of you!" said Peter as he pulled up Lois' shirt.

The plane then suddenly loses control, crashes into the ocean, and blows up.

"Peter! You made the plane crash!" said Lois.

"What plane?" drooled Brian as he and Quagmire stared at Lois' chest.

She then quickly closes her shirt in embarrassment. Zack and Kevin return from their trip to the jungle.

"I was able to find a bunch of bananas," said Kevin.

"I don't know if Maddie can eat bananas," said Meg, "She's kinda weak and can't really chew."

"HA!" laughed Zack, "That's why I brought berries! They're softer for my kid to chew on."

"Zack, I hear certain jungle berries can be poisonous," said Brian.

Zack then pops one into his mouth and eats it.

"Tastes fine to... glaaaaaaah!!!" chokes Zack as he clutches onto his throat, falls to the floor, and vomits uncontrollably.

"Someone help him!" panicked Meg.

Peter grabs a stick and pokes at him a little as he twitches.

"Don't worry," said Kevin as he mashed up some herbs with a rock and placed them into Zack's mouth along with some water, "I remember studying about these herbs at school. They can cure most poisons."

"(cough)...Okay, so the berries were a bad idea," coughed Zack as he stopped vomiting.

"Anyway, I'll mash up the bananas so they're easy for Maddie to eat," said Kevin.

"Oh, thank you Kevin!" said Meg as he hugged him, "You're the best."

"Yeah... Thanks Kevin," said Zack as he rolled his eyes.

"That's our boy," said Bonnie proudly, "Isn't he so helpful?"

"Yeah, if he keeps it up and he might just steal Meg from you, Zack," teased Joe.

Zack then solemnly scowls at Joe's remark. Later that evening, Peter attempts to set up a campfire by rubbing sticks together.

"Peter, are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Lois.

"Why are you even asking that question?" asked Zack, "The answer's always NO!"

"I'll have you know that my great ancestor, Ug Griffin, invented fire!" said Peter.

Flashback

Millions of years ago in the stone age, a caveman Ug Griffin, who resembles a Neanderthal Peter is clacking rocks together behind his butt. A cavewoman resembling Lois walks by.

"Why you bang rocks behind butt?" asked cavewoman Lois.

"Ug try to make farts louder," said Ug.

Ug farts at the sparks caused by the rocks which sets cave Meg's leopard skinned hat on fire.

"HAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Ug, "What loser!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I HOPE DECENDANT NO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP IN FUTURE!" she screamed.

End Flashback

"And she never did," said Peter as Meg blankly stares at him, "What?"

"What about that flamethrowing thingy?" asked Jillian.

"Yeah, grandpa," said Tilly, "Why don't you try using it for something other than almost getting us killed?"

"No way," said Peter, "That thing has caused us nothing but trouble and for the sake of my family, I will never use it again."

"...There's a bug on those sticks," said Tilly.

"Got it," said Peter as he quickly pulled out the flamethrower and set the pile of sticks on fire.

"So this is what it's like to be stranded," said Stewie, "This is nothing like my fantasies of being stranded... You know, the ones where the male sailors come to my rescue."

"...Uh..." Brian stares at Stewie.

"...Um... But then I destroy them and commandeer their ship as a means of finding land!" finished Stewie, trying to save face.

"...Gay..." said Brian.

"MUTANT!" shouted Stewie.

Next to them, Meg is cradling Maddie who is slowly, but surely getting better.

"Are you feeling better?" asked Meg.

"A little," sniffled Maddie.

"Glad to see you're doing okay," said Kevin.

"This campfire should keep us warm enough for the night," said Brian.

"We all better get some sleep," said Lois, "Maybe tomorrow, we'll try to figure a way out of here."

"Goodnight, Lois," said Peter as he closed he and the other's closed their eyes.

Much later in the middle of the night, Lois feels the presence of warms lips over her's.

"Peter.. I'm trying to sleep-" she said before she opens her eyes to see that she was kissing Valarie, "AAAAHHH!!!"

"AAHHHH!!!" screamed Valarie, "What the hell! I thought we were done with that kind of stuff years ago!"

"Hey, YOU kissed ME!" said Lois, "I was sleeping next to Peter."

"Hey, it's not like I wanted this to happen!" said Valarie.

"Hey, will you stop arguing!" said Quagmire, "You made me miss a shot with my camera. I was up all night moving you girls!"

"Wait a minute!" said Lois, "YOU did that?"

"...Whoops?" asked Quagmire innocently.

5 seconds later....

"Goodnight girls," said Quagmire with a black eye and missing teeth while sitting atop a palm tree.

"Goodnight, Glen..." said Valarie angrily.

"Sleep tight, Glen..." said Lois angrily.

The two then go back to sleep. A few more hours later, Peter wakes up and notices Zack is about to leave into the jungle.

"Hey, where the heck are you going?" asked Peter.

"I'm gonna go look for some more food," said Zack.

"Aren't jungles kinda dangerous at night?" asked Peter.

"I DON'T FEEL EMASCULATED BY KEVIN AT ALL!!! STOP RUBBING IT IN!" shouted Zack.

"...I didn't even mention Kevin," said Peter, "You want to talk about this?"

"...It's... nevermind, let's just go get some food," said Zack.

"C'mon, just talk this out with me," said Peter, "I'll hang on to your every word."

"Okay... ever since we got stranded, it seems that Kevin's been showing me up," said Zack, "Meg keeps getting impressed by him and he seems to be doing a good job in helping Maddie feel better. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm afraid Meg will like him better than me. You understand, Peter?"

"Huh?" asked Peter as he dug into his ear, "Sorry, couldn't hear you. I thought I had something gay in my ear for a second there."

"....Nevermind... C'mon," said Zack.

A little later, Peter and Zack trek into the jungle in search of something edible.

"Hey, Zack," said Peter, "You know what would be fun? If we played I Spy. You wanna play I Spy?"

"No," said Zack.

"I spy, with my little eye, something that is green," said Peter.

"We're in the jungle," said Zack, "The grass is green, the trees are green... hell, my overshirt is green! Pick a different color."

"Okay, I spy with my little eye something that has a color that begins with G," said Peter.

"G better not mean green," said Zack threateningly.

"Okay, I spy with my little eye something that has a color that ends with reen," said Peter.

"....Hey, I see some coconuts!" said Zack pointing to a tall palmtree.

"Okay, I'll climb up there and toss the coconuts at you," said Peter.

"I get it," said Zack in realization, "You toss them down and I catch them."

"Who said anything about you catching them?" asked Peter.

Peter then begins to climb the tree, but his weight bends the tree downwards to the side.

"Well, I guess this works too," said Zack as he grabs onto a coconut.

"Let me get that for you," said Peter as he was getting off.

"NO, PETER, DON'T- AAAAAHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" screamed Zack as he was flung by the tree all the way to the other side of the island.

"Uh oh...." said Peter as he slowly backs away and then runs back to the campsite.

"Peter, where have you been?" asked Lois.

"And where's Zack?" asked Meg.

"You see, Meg, there comes a time where when an event happens it's nobody's fault-" said Peter.

"That guy who was screaming in the sky was Zack wasn't it?" asked Joe.

"I know! Wasn't it awesome?" asked Peter, "He was all like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... He was moving faster than Kenyans."

"Did you see which way he fell?" asked Lois.

"He flew all the way to the other side of the island," said Peter.

"That place is uncharted," said Cleveland, "He could be in real danger."

"Relax," said Peter, "I'm sure wherever he is, he's safe."

Meanwhile on the other side of the island, Zack pulls his head from the ground after his hard landing.

"Well Peter, you've done it again," said Zack to himself, "You've given me yet another headache. Well, it can't get any worse than this."

Suddenly, a bunch of tribesmen surround Zack while pointing their spears at him.

"Perhaps I spoke too soon," said Zack.

Back at the campsite...

"We have to find him!" said Meg.

"Jack and Phoebe, you two stay with the kids while we find Zack," said Lois.

"No problemo," said Jack.

"Yeah, this'll give us the perfect opportunity to practice being parents," said Phoebe, "And besides, they're just kids. They shouldn't cause us too much trouble."

Meanwhile, Stewie walks around and finds Peter's flamethrower.

"Hello, what's this?" asked Stewie deviously.

Later, the rest are trekking through the jungle until they find a hole in the shape of Zack's body.

"It looks like he landed right here," said Peter.

"Looks like there's footprints around here," said Joe pointing to the ground, "This island may not be so deserted after all."

"Oh my gosh!" said Meg with worried, "What if he was eaten by cannibals?"

"Don't be silly," said Jillian, "Cannon balls don't have teeth. They can't eat him."

"We can't jump to conclusions just yet," said Valarie.

"Valarie's right," said Brian, "We should keep searching, but where do we start?"

"Why don't we ask those tribesmen in that village over there if they've seen any tribesmen," said Jillian.

"Why didn't I just buy her a blonde wig instead of teaching her about bleaching?" asked Valarie in frustration.

Back at the campsite, Phoebe and Jack are keeping an eye on the children.

"Hey, Jack," shouted Phoebe, "How are you and Stewie holding up?"

"HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!" screamed Jack as he was holding onto a tree while Stewie tried to shoot him with his flamethrower.

"Die you feeble man!" laughed Stewie.

"Oh, Lois says that's just his way of saying he likes you," laughed Phoebe.

Maddie walks up to Tilly who is making something out of coconut halves.

"What are you doing?" asked Maddie.

"I'm trying to construct a two way radio," said Tilly, "I could try to contact help from a nearby ship."

"Any luck?" asked Maddie.

"Negative," said Tilly, "All I keep getting are lame internet podcasts."

Tilly then turns on her radio and tunes into one of Norm Augustinus's internet podcasts.

"Hi, I'm Norm Augustinus. Thanks... for listening! REMEMBER THE TIME I DID SOMETHING REALLY NASTY? SOMETHING SEXUAL AND EXPLICIT OR SOMETHING DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING? RATHER THAN BE CREATIVE, I'LL KEEP USING SEXUAL SLANG EVERY TEN SECONDS LIKE-"

Tilly then turns off the radio and begins working on it some more.

(A/N: I love Norm's youtube videos, but I f(bleep)king HATE his podcasts!)

"What are you making there, Tilly?" asked Phoebe.

"A podcast streamer," said Maddie.

"It was SUPPOSED to be a two way radio," said Tilly sadly, "But that didn't work out."

"C'mon, you should be used to failure by now," said Maddie, "Remember when you invented the invisible airplane?"

Flashback

At the Griffin backyard, Tilly is showing off her new invention to her friends.

"I present to you, the invisible airplane!" said Tilly proudly.

"Tilly?" asked Stewie, "One wing is lopsided."

"...CRAP!" said Tilly in frustration.

End Flashback

"I couldn't help but notice that your brother looks like the fat kid," said Phoebe, "And he acts like him, too."

"OH MY GOD! I'M DROWNING!" shouted CJ as he jumps into the water after his own reflection.

"It's purely coincidental," lied Tilly, "God, I REALLY hope that isn't genetic."

"It's okay if he is your father," said Phoebe, "At least you have one."

"You didn't have one?" asked Maddie.

"My dad ditched me before I was born," said Phoebe sadly, "I don't know anything about him."

"Well, maybe someday you'll meet him," said Maddie.

"I hope so, too," said Phoebe, "In fact, for some reason I feel as if he could be close by... giggity."

Meanwhile outside of the village where the group is, Quagmire shudders a little.

"What's wrong?" asked Peter.

"I dunno," said Quagmire, "I felt a strange, yet familiar presence.... giggity."

"Okay, we need to get in that village and rescue Zack," said Lois, "But we need a distraction of some sort."

"Alright, here's the plan," whispered Joe, "Peter will jump in front of the village and scream out Smorgasbord! The cannibals chase him while we rush in there and rescue Zack. Any questions?"

"I got one," whispered Quagmire, "See that native chick over there?"

"What about her?" whispered Joe.

"You think she puts out?" whispered Quagmire.

"Quagmire, do you ever stop thinking about sex?" whispered Cleveland.

"Yeah, when I'm playing chess," whispered Quagmire.

Flashback

Quagmire is playing chess against Peter.

"Hey, have you ever notice that pawns kinda look like penises?" asked Quagmire.

End Flashback

"No, you're right. I never do stop thinking about sex," whispered Quagmire.

"Well you should stop it," whispered Valarie, "It's a very unhealthy thing to do psychologically. Besides, this isn't even about sex. This is about my son."

"Mrs. Murdock is right," whispered Meg, "We should be rescuing Zack."

"...Wait, why are we still whispering?" whispered Lois.

"...What?" whispered Joe.

"SHE SAID WHY ARE WE WHISPERING!!!" shouted Peter.

A spear then hits a tree that was inches away from Peter's face.

"Oh crap, they spotted us," said Joe.

The tribesfolk surround everybody, pointing their spears at them.

"You don't want to eat me," begged Peter, "I'm a diabetic and by eating me, you'll just get diabetes."

The tribesmen poke their spears at them from behind and force them to walk into the village.

"Well, this sucks," said Valarie.

"Yeah, we're about to become dinner," said Meg.

"Maybe if didn't come back for him..." said Kevin to himself.

"You better not be talking about my husband!" said Meg, "I love him and I'd do anything for him!"

"Oh, hey guys," said Zack as he was resting on a hammock.

"Zack?" asked Meg as she ran up and hugged him, "You're alive!"

"Yeah, these tribesfolk brought me back here after I fell," said Zack.

"You mean, you didn't eat him?" asked Bonnie.

"Of course not," laughed the village chief heartily, "We're not cannibals. We're peaceful people."

"Then... why the spears," asked Peter.

"We just love to screw with peoples' heads," said the chief, "Don't you?"

"...Touche," said Peter.

Much later, the rest of the family are at the village, telling their tale of how they got stranded.

"And that's pretty much what happened," said Lois.

"I see," said the village chief, "Perhaps we can be of help. Follow me."

Everyone then follows him to the shoreline where they see a large boat.

"You can use this to get to your home," he said, "But if you'd like, you can take any souvenir home with you."

"Really? I know what I want!" said Quagmire as he ran to the village. He tries to grab the girl he saw earlier, but a loud slap could be heard, "Ow!"

"Father, he tried to touch me!" she said to the village chief.

"Doesn't everybody?" he asked as he rolled his eyes.

Hours later after a long boat ride, the family makes it back to Rhode Island and are headed home.

"Glad that's over," said Zack, "It's good to be back in Quahog and away from that island."

"Especially since you got so jealous of Kevin," teased Meg.

"I wasn't jealous!" said Zack, "I was merely... Okay, yeah, I was jealous."

"Well don't worry," said Meg, "You're the only man for me, anyway."

"So, how did you bond with the kids?" asked Lois to Phoebe.

"It was a really great experience," said Phoebe, "I actually want kids when I get married."

"I don't..." said Jack who was all burnt up.

"Well, I just can't wait to see the sight of our beautiful home," said Lois.

As they arrive, the find Ariel in her human form throwing garbage, toilet paper, and just plain vandalizing their house.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" she laughed maniacally, "IT'S NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOUR HOME NOW IS IT?"

She then runs off, laughing to herself evilly.

"What the hell was her problem?" asked Peter.

End Chapter.