Author's comments: This may be my favorite chapter of all times.
Trouble
Chapter 29
Dr. Lindstrom turned his head toward Elliot. "Well, it's fine by me. I have done some couples counseling in the past. But I guess it's really up to Elliot."
Elliot's mouth dropped open, and he stuttered, "I—I guess it couldn't hurt."
"Okay," said the doctor decisively. "Let's have you bring that chair over there," he said, pointing to an unused chair sitting against the opposite wall, "and set it facing across from Olivia, so you two can see each other as you talk."
Elliot gulped, but he did as the doctor requested, and the chair made a loud scraping noise as he settled it into exactly the right position. He and Olivia made wary eye contact, and she couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be sweating a little more than usual.
Dr. Lindstrom looked at Olivia. "Do you want to start first?"
"Sure," she said, and Elliot cleared his throat. Olivia leaned forward and spoke softly, trying to sound as sincere as possible. "First of all, I just want to tell you, I'm really sorry for the things I said to you last night. I was—"
"You were a little out of it, I know," said Elliot.
Dr. Lindstrom held up a hand and said, "Elliot, let her finish."
Elliot nodded and tried to lean back and settle into his chair. Olivia continued. "I didn't mean—well, I did mean some—"
She stopped and sighed, and Dr. Lindstrom said, "Take your time, Olivia."
She glanced at the doctor, and then focused her attention back on Elliot. "What I mean to say is, I guess I have some built-up resentment toward you, especially because of the way you left."
"I kind of guessed that," said Elliot, sarcasm escaping into his tone.
"Elliot," interjected the doctor. "Olivia is making a sincere effort to strengthen your relationship, it would help if you took it seriously—"
"I know, I know. I'm sorry," said Elliot genuinely. "It was just really hard to hear, the way she said it last night."
"I know, and I'm sorry, Elliot," she said, dropping her hands between her knees. "It's exactly because I haven't talked to you about it that it's coming out in other ways, and that's partially my fault."
He nodded, and she continued. "It's just that, when we were partners, there were times that I didn't feel like equals. In fact, I felt . . . inferior."
Elliot scooted to the edge of his seat. "But was that really—"
"Elliot," said Dr. Lindstrom. "Let Olivia talk. Part of learning to communicate with one another is showing her that you're listening to what she has to say."
Elliot glanced nervously at the doctor, his mouth partially open, obviously wanting very badly to say something. Finally, he settled back and looked at her. "Go ahead."
Olivia looked down at her hands. "When you left, I was devastated. But I pulled through, and then I began to grow. And even after Lewis got ahold of me the first time, I managed to not only recover, but . . ." she said, bringing her eyes up again to meet his. "Thrive, even. I worked my way up to sergeant, and I became a strong, independent person. Or at least, I liked to see myself that way."
Elliot's eyebrows lowered in contemplation as she went on. "But then Lewis pulled this shit on me again, even worse this time," she said, beginning to tear up, "and you just happened to show up out of the blue at my lowest point. And yeah, you saved my life, and you stood by my side through all of the worst of my shit."
He nodded, his mouth tightening. She began to rock back on forth on the edge of the bed. "And yet . . . and yet somehow it wasn't fulfilling for me, because there you were again, rescuing me, and here I was, feeling weak and less-than once again."
Elliot opened his mouth, and then quickly closed it again, glancing at Dr. Lindstrom, as if wondering whether he would ever get a chance to speak. She wiped a tear from her cheek and continued. "But I do appreciate everything you've done for me, and I'm really glad you're back again. I love you, and I want this to work, I just might need a little help and a lot of patience." Glancing at Dr. Lindstrom, she said, "I guess that's all I have to say."
The doctor nodded at her, a faint smile on his lips, and then turned to Elliot. "Okay Elliot, what do you have to say to that?"
Elliot clenched his lips, pausing before he said, "I'm just curious, what exactly is it about me that makes you feel inferior? Because I thought I treated us as equals. At least I always tried to . . ."
Olivia rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, trying to think of an answer that wouldn't offend him too much. "Maybe . . . maybe it was the way you blamed me for that little boy getting killed, or—"
"You still hold that against me?"
"Or the way you always took control of situations, or—or the way you used to question my judgment all the time. Or maybe the way you excluded me from every part of your life except work, throwing me a crumb whenever you felt like it—"
"Really?" said Elliot, his voice rising. "Because the way I remember it—"
"Let's just stop there for a second," said Dr. Lindstrom. He turned his attention to Olivia. "Olivia, when you're talking to Elliot, it helps to be more specific. It's not going to help the situation if you make broad, sweeping generalizations."
She dropped her head and whispered, "Okay."
Elliot sighed. Dr. Lindstrom said, "I realize there's a long history between you two. And there's going to be wounds that haven't healed yet. But the key to healing those wounds is to show each other, going forward, that things can be different between you. That you aren't going to repeat the same patterns over and over. And communication is the key."
Elliot's face softened. "Yeah, okay."
"Elliot, I assume you have more you want to say?" said the doctor, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees.
"Yeah," said Elliot softly. "Yeah, Olivia, I don't know how you made me out to be the bad guy here—"
"Elliot, can you frame that as an 'I' statement instead?" said Dr. Lindstrom.
Elliot looked up at him, and then said, "I feel like you think of me as the enemy, when the reality is, I'm the biggest supporter in your corner." She nodded, wanting to speak up to confirm what he had just said, but also knowing she needed to give him a chance to finish. He clasped his hands together and said, "I know I hurt you really bad, and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that, even if you do. And sometimes I even wonder if I was partly to blame for you becoming suicidal . . ."
Chills ran down her spine as she realized this was the first time he had addressed her suicide attempt. She sprang to her feet and went to him, sitting down on his lap as his eyes widened in surprise. "No . . . no, absolutely not, Elliot." She put a hand up to his face and caressed his cheek as she said, "I was depressed about what happened with Lewis, and I still had really bad PTSD symptoms, and I was at my wit's end. It had nothing to do with you, I promise."
He smiled a sad smile. "Good." And then, glancing at Dr. Lindstrom, he said, "I just have one more question."
"Go ahead," she said.
"I was just wondering—why were you so mad at me last night? Why were you so angry that I wanted you to take the morphine?"
She stood now, turning her back to him as she walked back toward the bed. "Because . . . because I'm addicted to painkillers now, and I didn't want that feeling again. I didn't want to be tempted—"
She stopped, bringing a hand to her mouth. From behind her, she heard Dr. Lindstrom say, "Okay. I suspected as much, Olivia. It's alright. Probably just a product of your trauma, just a way to cope with it. We can deal with that."
She nodded and turned to sit on the bed, hesitantly checking out Elliot's reaction. Surprised by the sympathy apparent on his face instead of the condensation she had expected, she said, "I'm sorry, Elliot. I really am."
Now he rose, taking the few steps he needed to reach her side, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that happened to you. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you sooner." He sat down next to her and put his arm around her. "It's completely understandable that you would freak out for a while. But I still mean what I said—you're the strongest, most courageous person I know. And if anyone can make it through something like this, you can."
Her eyebrows crowded together as she made eye contact with him, and as a tear began to escape the corner of her eye, she leaned forward and planted a tender kiss on his lips, pulling away only to utter the words, "Thank you, Elliot."
Dr. Lindstrom stood. "Okay, well now I know my work is done."
She cast a dreamy smile in his direction. "Thank you . . . Peter."
"Yes, thanks Doc," said Elliot.
"My pleasure, Olivia," he said, smiling back at her. Raising his eyebrows, he added, "And Elliot. I'd be happy to talk to you two any time you feel the need."
