Where we spy on father and daughter. Sixth day.
Chapter 29 Hunsford confidences
Kent, Rosings Park, Monday the tenth of August.
"Hello? Somebody at home?"
Jane jumped out of her daydreams and looked at her father who was making silly signs with the fingers of his right hand...
"Awaken?"
Jane shook her head.
"I wasn't asl..."
Edward Bennet came closer and took his daughter's hand and placed a kiss on her palm.
"I know, dear. I know you weren't asleep. It was just my last attempt at humor while seeing you drifting away in the middle of a conversation..."
She looked at the floor.
"Sorry, Papa. I don't know what's happening to me. I really have problems concentrating on what people are saying around me."
Mr. Bennet made a sign with his hand inviting his daughter to come to sit in his lap.
She looked at him bright eyed and rather shocked.
"Papa, I fear I'm no longer..."
"Of the right age?" concluded Mr. Bennet. "I fear you are right but that has nothing to do with age. It's an old father-daughter trick. The father of a perturbed little girl always takes her in his lap and hold her against him the time necessary to give her a chance to overcome her big sadness."
He tapped on the arm of his armchair.
"And when said papa sits comfortably in a deep armchair the best way to hold said daughter in his arms is for her to come to sit in his lap..."
He could not help but chuckle.
"And let's use your cousin's absence to do so. I'm quite sure he would be even more shocked than you..."
Jane shook her head and came nearer to sit in her father's lap.
"Myyyy..." said he loudly.
Jane was immediately again on her feet. She looked at her father who shot her a apologetic smile.
"Seems you were right. Age has something to do with old fathers not taking her adult daughters in their lap. I had not rightly appraise the difference in weight between a ten year old girl and a twenty two year old beautiful woman..."
He shot her another smile when she handsomely blushed.
"My knees knew immediately..."
He gave her his hand and she helped him to stand up.
"Well, since this peculiar pleasure is no longer in my grasp, let's have a walk together. It has been a long time..."
"Yesterday?"
"Exactly, a long time ago..."
A hundred yards away from the Parsonage, they hadn't spoken two words.
"Well, what are the conclusion my little girl is playing with..."
She looked up.
"Please, papa, don't call me your little girl. I'm a grown woman, now."
"That you are dear, but even as a grown woman you're still my little baby. That part of you will never change. Perhaps if, one day in the near future, you should decide to flood me under dozens of chatty blue eyed blond children, I will no longer have the time to remember the little girl who was my baby, but for now there's only you, dear..."
He took her arm and pulled her on the path going toward the "Rotonde" where Lizzie had refused her future husband for the first time.
"We are all children, dear. I, I'm at an age where I long to be one again and you, you are at that awful age where one has only one wish: forget those early years where everybody was giving orders, shouting at you and looking at you from sunrise to sunset..."
He patted her hand.
"But please, let this old man take pleasure in his last dreams..."
Jane looked at him with worry in her eyes.
"Papa, you're not..."
"No, no, don't worry. I'm perfectly healthy and I won't depart before having had a real chance to spoil at least two generations of Darcys..."
She looked at him and he saw with great pleasure that there was mirth in her eyes.
"How do you spell Darcy?"
"No idea, dear. I suppose it's not yet sure..."
He looked around them and gave a joyful yell to the surrounding forest.
"It reminds me of the last time I walked with a Beautiful woman at my arm in a setting just like this one. I was thirty, just coming back from America and my red coat and my rank had been an irresistible call for the young woman at my side..."
He shook his head.
"I can't believe it that I was so young and foolish and self important..."
"Papa, that's not..."
He stopped her with a finger on her lips and a self satisfied smile.
"Please do me the favor to let me bask in the pleasure to walk at the side of the most beautiful, adorable and compassionate creature of this earth. It's a real blessing, believe me..."
He chuckled.
"Don't you dare believe that your parents had ever been responsible human beings. Quite the contrary. Your mother believed me dashing! Can you believe it? And I was very happy she could see such qualities in me who was drowning in doubts and self loathing..."
He exhaled a long, very long sigh.
"Even if it's difficult to believe, at one day in their life your parents were young and foolish and very much in love. And what's more they were very much unable to think about what the future would be a year or two from then."
He shook himself out of his memories and smiled at his daughter.
"And I must confess that I was not the most faithful in our relation..."
Seeing his daughter's wide eyes he immediately shook his head.
"No, that's not what I mean. I never betrayed her! Not after our marriage but there is a betrayal which was previous to our wedding. I married her out of very bad reasons, dear. I don't say that I didn't love her. I loved her for her beauty and I loved her for the unfathomable way she found me dashing and lovely..." He breathed out heavily. "But deep in me, I was loving another woman. And I'm sure that background was the foremost reason for our later estrangement..."
He stopped his daughter's words before she could utter them.
"You're so full of doubts, dear. At your age you feel the need to be admired, to be seducing and unique. You're just coming out of a period where you have always been under the authority of somebody else. You have to fly out of the nest and to state your uniqueness."
He saw a fallen log and steered her toward it.
"I need a few minutes rest, dear. And I need to feel you at my side. We'll walk on in a few minutes..."
When they were sitting she came back with the question she was about to ask a few minutes earlier.
"Who was she?"
"Her name was Caroline and her brother could not accept that she loved me. That we loved each other. He separated us and married her away to Sweden. She died a few years later. I hope she didn't die of unhappiness..."
He shook his head.
"I soon afterwards married your mother. She was thinking the world of me and I was so in need of love that I let myself be convinced that her love would be enough for the both of us..."
"Was it not?"
Once more he shook his head.
"I fear not, dear... But soon I had something else to love and that something was a someone. A blond haired blue eyed someone who was able to bring me joy with only a little dribble besmirched smile. I was spending hours holding you and asking myself how such a unworthy pair could have been able to produce such a perfect little creature... I was quite besotted."
He looked at his daughter's eyes.
They were the same color as his wife's. They had even the same shape. But they were so different, so unique.
And not only Jane's.
When had been the last time he had looked at his wife's eyes?
Those eyes who stayed so much longer young and beautiful?
He couldn't remember.
"She was probably not the best choice I could have made. But she was the girl who had the more determination to get me. And, in the hindsight, I now know that that's worth a lot. She had this talent to let me know with a wink that I was at the center of her universe..."
He looked at the sky.
"And God knows how much that's really worth..."
While speaking pieces of the puzzle of his life were coming together.
He had enjoyed being with his wife.
Really enjoyed it in a very refreshing way.
Before meeting with her he had had drama and tragedy and he had lived a shattering love story.
All he wanted with his new family was living a normal pleasurable life. And she had given him all she could. With the result of multiple births.
His wife had been very often pregnant and it was all his doing.
Having always another baby to feed and care for, she had been more than happy to let him take charge of Jane and Lizzie's education.
And he has done it with dedication. They were so smart, so open...
Not like...
He stopped himself immediately.
He had played this tune for too long. His wife was not the idiot he envisioned so often. No, she had another sort of intelligence. An intelligence of the heart and he, the smart scholar, had never even tried to understand her.
He, her husband, had never even tried to teach her what he could have taught. He could have made her a better woman and a better educated wife. He could have.
He never went to the trouble to make her more like what he was idealizing in his mind.
He had just decided that there was nothing to be done. That she was a lost battle.
Shame came on him...
Because she could have brought something to his two elders. As he could have brought something to his three youngest. But she didn't and he didn't and so he was saddled with two perfect but shy and serious ladies and two imperfect but open and joyous girls. And with Mary who had had to pay the price of both her parents' guilt...
He felt his daughter's hand sliding into his'.
He smiled at her.
"I was so egoistic in these early months of our marriage. All I wanted was to enjoy my new life."
He smiled ant his eldest daughter and winked at her.
"What I'm going to confess, I ask the right to confess it myself to each and every one of my daughters. You are not allowed to speak of it to anybody! Do we agree?"
She nodded and he could read in her eyes that she would keep his secret.
"It seems that your mother and I were quite in a hurry to be wed..."
Jane's lips made a doubtful grimace.
"I do swear it, dear. You were probably already on the way the day the priest gave us his holy permission to go on to be fruitful and to multiply..." He squeezed her hand and began to pull faces to bring her out of her sad mood. "And I must say that for a first try we were much more successful than I dared to hope..."
"Papa! You're not serious..."
"And you are way too serious, dear. And your mother could have learned you to be a little more open and a little less serious..."
"I do like me as I am, papa..."
"And since you are quite perfect, I'm very happy you do, dear, but there is this little flaw who prevents you to show your feelings..."
"But it would be unseemly, papa, to show my feelings! A real Lady c..."
He stopped her with a powerful "tsk tsk tsk"!
"Here, we are leaving the field of theoretical conveniences to enter into the field of real life. And to be more precise, the life of a certain Jane Bennet! And if Jane Bennet has been sad and lonely and unhappy these last few months, it's only because I have been unable to teach her how to show her feelings to those important people who needed to know!"
He squeezed once more her hands.
"There is no discussion that a well bred young Lady will never show to her cousin that he is a loathsome piece of self righteous priggishness!"
"Papa!"
"Not to speak of the King of all fools!"
He smiled at her frown.
"That, of course, we will never do! Even if our cousin is as dumb as he looks and that he probably would be unable to spot a mockery we could send his way..."
She scolded him silently and he made a show of displaying some remorse.
"But, when we come to those highly positive feelings, such as love and admiration, than it is clearly necessary that even the most well bred young Lady takes on her to let them known to the person she feels for!"
He stopped her before she could speak.
"Don't deny that your concealing of your feelings has brought you only sadness and despair. Having a seemly behavior is in no way a guarantee against a broken heart. And even if I still do believe that a little heart ache is good for the building of one's personality, it's not necessary to create one from scratch when it is evident that it is useless..."
Jane took a deep breath and looked at the myriad of insects which were populating the log.
For two days now she was wondering.
What would have happened if she had shown her feelings?
What would have happened if she had shown to Charles Bingley that, for her, he was the perfect he?
Would he have shown contempt or would he have been happy?
Would he have fled or would he have built on her opening to show such same feelings?
"I'm not unaware that you're are shy, dear. And that it's difficult for you to know where convenience ends and lack of consideration begins. But in matter of the heart it's vital to show a part of your feelings even at the risk of being inconsiderate."
She looked at him bitting her lips.
"I fear I'm too old to change, I'm..."
"Tsk, tsk, tsk! Only old knees and rheumatism are unchangeable. For the rest, one can always become better. And I do not ask for a complete change in personality, I just ask for a little courage in order to let him know that you are interested in him..."
"I really do not know how to do such a thing... I would stutter and hesitate and..."
Her father put a finger under her chin and pushed upwards. When they looked each other in the eyes he smiled at her.
"Then stutter and hesitate, but do it nevertheless. Just say what you have to say. When he is about to leave let him know that you regret his departure and that, while he was with you, you never felt the time pass. And show him when he returns with a bright smile that you're happy to be with him again..."
He tipped her on the nose.
"And from then it goes on crescendo..."
"Papa!"
"Indeed crescendo!" insisted he just before pulling his daughter against him and speaking into her ear.
"You must be aware that a great passion must be shown. I know you spoke about your feelings for Mr. Bingley with Lizzie but that's not enough." he winked at her. "You should have chosen Lydia, dear!" He felt her shudder." Yes! Lydia! She would have informed him immediately that you were interested in him. And it would have been much better for everybody!"
He hugged her.
"Use the resources you have at hand, dear. If you want something to be known, use Lydia, or Lady Lucas, or your aunt Philips. You wouldn't have to speak at all and the whole County would know about your feelings before the end of the day!"
He saw her blush.
"Or even better, whisper to him. You have no idea how it concentrates a suitor's mind to hear you whisper. And show him with smiles and glances that you are comfortable in his company. That his company is the reason you are well..."
He chuckled sadly.
"You wouldn't imagine how many people are unsure and full of hesitation about their value. On the outside they look full of confidence and courage, but inside they are full of self doubts. Even your Bingley..."
She corrected her father immediately.
"He's not my Bingley..."
She had done it before but this time it had nothing to do with conveniences and consideration. It was just because he perhaps was no longer her Bingley...
Was he? Or was he no more?
"Papa, I don't know what to do. I have feelings for both of them and I really have no idea how to disentangle those feelings of mine..."
Mr. Bennet looked at his daughter with surprise in his heart but only interest in his eyes.
That his Jane had found the courage to ask him that question was proof enough that she had a real problem with her feelings.
He could have laughed but he forced himself to stay calm and relaxed.
A laugh would have destroyed everything he had just been able to build with his daughter.
And since he had an easy answer...
"There, you will need a pinch of 'savoir-faire'," said he. "It is not totally a surprise that one of the most beautiful women of England would be besieged by more than one suitor..."
He was very pleased to see her blush. How had she been able to remain as fresh and naive in that her corrupt society? At twenty two? He and his wife had perhaps not been the best of teachers but as guardians they had done a rather satisfying job.
"As I said, use the resources you have at hand. Let Lydia pass around the news that you have now two suitors. She already knows and you know as well as I that she will be unable to hold her tongue."
Jane looked shocked.
"What will they believe of me? They will..."
"Know that they have no right to believe you theirs! And that they will have to conquer you..."
He hugged her.
"You'll see they will be even more outspoken in their admiration for you..."
"I'll have to fend of d'Arcy with a stick if he becomes just a little more explicit," smiled Jane.
Here, he granted himself a good laugh.
That she could smile and joke was a first great victory.
The next battle was Jane's only. She would have to choose, to decide which of those young men she was ready to accept at her side for the rest of her life.
He hoped Bingley had still his chances.
With him he would never lose his precious Jane. She would settle at twenty miles from Pemberley and the whole tribe of Darcy and Bingley children would be in Bingley's House being spoiled by a very happy and busy grandfather.
With d'Arcy...
Who knew with d'Arcy?
Next chapter: Hunsford Abduction
