29
Castle residence, NY
They did go out for hot chocolate to Jacques Torres after the swim meet, walking to the one near Houston and Lafayette once the car was parked at the loft.
Lily and Kate each had a big cup of it, with whipped cream on top, and Castle had two scoops of chocolate ice cream, before they all took a long route back to the loft to walk off the thousand or so calories. Browsing in several stores on the way and grabbing some groceries.
Beckett hadn't planned to join them for Thai take-out afterwards but both Castle and Lily had twisted her arm.
"Come on, Mom. Don't you like pad thai?"
"I told mother you were coming. She's so looking forward to seeing you."
It hadn't taken that much twisting.
She'd let them bring her up to the loft and although she was ready to see Martha Rogers, she hadn't been prepared for all the emotions that took over once Castle's mother embraced her and told her how much she missed her. How sorry she was for her father's loss.
Kate hadn't expected to start crying. Or to miss her own parents as badly as she did in that moment when Martha engulfed her in a hug.
She'd composed herself of course, enough to spend nearly an hour reminiscing and catching up with the woman who she loved like a second mother. The lines on Martha's face might have deepened a little and maybe her back was no longer as ramrod straight as it used to be when she flitted across the room, but she was still the same vibrant, quick-witted person that Beckett remembered so well.
They were still when the Thai take-out arrived. Khao soi noodles. Green curry chicken. Pad thai. A generous helping of mango salad.
It had fascinated Kate to see Lily digging into it all, as though she'd grown up eating spicy curries and flavourful rice noodles, when in her memory she'd been a fussy toddler who'd scrunched up her lips at half of the healthy, organic fare she used to try and feed her.
Nine-year-old Lily seemed to enjoy a myriad of flavours and textures, and it made Kate smile.
Afterwards, Kate didn't resist when Lily pulled her over to the couch because her favourite show was on TV.
It was about a teenage girl who worked as a private eye after school. The overly precocious kid wore too much make up and had some preposterous investigative methods that made Beckett want to roll her eyes, but Lily was so engrossed in it all that it was hard not to get caught up in her enthusiasm. She mostly watched her daughter's face, instead of the screen in front of them.
Meanwhile, her body happily settled into the soft, familiar cushions of the sofa and they made it hard to keep her eyes open.
It had turned into an amazing day and Kate wanted to store away every moment, because she didn't want to risk forgetting a thing. Going to a swim meet. Having hot chocolate with her daughter on a weekend afternoon. Eating take-out and watching cheesy Nickelodeon shows. Seeing the beautiful way her daughter interacted with her grandmother, both of whom obviously adored each other.
From afar, it might've looked routine. The kind of uneventful Saturdays that normal families had all the time. But everything about it was extraordinary to her.
Castle's voice echoed in her head every now and then too. "She isn't living at the loft anymore. We've separated."
He hadn't elaborated since breaking that news to her at the swim meet and Beckett wasn't sure she wanted to know.
She yawned as the TV private-eye-teen picked a lock in order to access a principal's office and Lily marvelled at her skills.
Don't you even think about it copying that, sweetheart.
She really needed to call a cab and get back to Lanie's place before she fell asleep. Because a normal day of activity still left her pathetically exhausted.
Start hitting the gym. Take some vitamins.
It was her last coherent thought before she drifted off.
Castle had been sitting in the study doing some rare writing after a burst of inspiration, when Lily bounced into the room.
"Is your show over?"
"Yup," she answered. "Mom's sleeping."
"She is?" Castle took a glance out into the living room from behind his lap top and only saw some of Beckett's hair peeking out from the armrest.
"Do you want me to wake her?"
Castle debated it. They probably should. Call her a taxi and let her get some real rest in a bed at Lanie's place. But truth was, he selfishly wanted to hold on to her, keep her here, under their roof where he could keep an eye on her Make sure she didn't race off to Albany on a whim. "No," he told Lily. "Let her nap. She's still recovering."
"From what?"
Good question.
"You know she's a had rough time, right?"
"I know." Lily nodded. "Maybe she should sleep upstairs, in the guest bedroom, then she can stay for breakfast tomorrow."
Castle smiled, liking the idea. "Let her sleep on the sofa. She'll wake up soon. Then I'll call her a taxi."
Lily expression suggested she wasn't entirely content with that answer but she made a beeline for him anyway and wiggled onto his lap. "What are you writing?"
"Nikki Heat." He hadn't touched his best-selling series since Kate had disappeared.
"The detective?" Lily's eyes lit up. "I thought you weren't gonna write those books anymore?"
"I thought so too," he pulled his daughter close. "But I'm not so sure anymore. I thought her story was over, but now I don't think it is."
Lily grinned. "She's my favourite character."
"Oh yeah?" She hadn't read the books of course, but Castle had caught his daughter going through the graphic novels more than once. Nikki had been the only one she'd always asked and pestered him about. Lily knew that Nikki was inspired by her mother.
"I'm gonna be like her when I grow up. A detective."
"Is that right?"
"Yup."
Castle kissed the top of her head, not quite ready to think of his sweet little girl as a kick-ass cop with a very healthy sexual appetite. "Not for another twenty years, okay?"
But his mermaid had already slipped out of his grasp and was skipping out of the study with her endless energy. "Whatever, Dad."
Two hours later, both Lily and his mother, who was still on Paris time, were fast asleep, and so was Kate Beckett.
He did make a half-hearted effort to wake her, giving her shoulder a light squeeze, which only made her burrow her face deeper into the sofa cushions, before deciding to call Lanie that Kate would probably spend the night here. Then he took off her boots, lifted her legs onto the couch and covered her with a blanket.
Later
"Do it again. Harder."
"No."
"Push that knife in. Twist it. You know you want to. You like it."
"No!"
"You like to see the blood. You like the power."
"No!"
The man was lying on the concrete sidewalk, covered in blood, multiple stab wounds dotting his torso. He was writhing underneath her and she was holding a knife, her own hand drenched in blood too. His blood.
"No!"
"Kate-"
He was grabbing her by the shoulders, sitting up somehow which shouldn't have been possible. She was so repulsed by his touch that she pushed him off with all the force she could muster.
"Kate!"
Her eyes widened and focused in the darkness, bewildered by what she saw.
The loft. Her old home. She was on the couch and Castle was on the floor, next to the coffee table.
Beckett blinked hard, trying to digest it all. Where she was. What had happened.
"Kate?" Castle had pushed himself off the floor and was kneeling next to her now.
"Rick?" Her heart was racing. "What…what happened?"
"I think you had a nightmare. I, uh…" He pushed himself off his knees until he was sitting on the couch. "I heard you screaming from the bedroom."
She swallowed hard and remembered sitting here. Watching that silly show with Lily. She must've have fallen asleep. The man she was stabbing. It was just a dream. Or was it a memory?
And why was Rick on the floor?
Beckett stared at him. "Did I push you?"
"It's…it's fine. I'm fine. You had a nightmare."
"I did, didn't I?" She'd done it before at the cabin. Pushed him so hard that he'd fallen to the ground. Please, no. A knife was cutting through her heart now. "Oh God, Rick…I'm so sorry."
He reached for her hand. "Kate, it's okay. I'm okay."
She saw it when he took her hand in his. The streak of red that ran along the inside of his palm and stained her hand now. His blood on her. Just like in the dream. Was she still dreaming?
"Rick?" She blinked hard again and saw the blood was still there, on both their hands, before she grabbed his hand and turned it open so as to see his palm. There wasn't a lot of light in the room but enough for her to see that he was bleeding. "What happened?"
"Oh shit," he seemed to notice it for the first time. "I must've cut it on the glass rim of the coffee table."
Kate tossed off the blanket and jumped off the couch. "Do you still have a First Aid kit?"
"Kate, it's okay. It's just-"
"No." She grabbed his other hand and yanked him up too. "It's not okay." Hurting him was not okay. Never.
She grabbed the First Aid kit, not surprised to see it was still in the same place it used to be. Then she took him over to the kitchen sink and cleaned the cut without a word, even though he kept trying to play it down. Make light of it.
"It was an accident." "It's a tiny cut." "No big deal."
It wasn't. And none of it made her feel any less terrible.
What if it had been Lily? What if her daughter had heard her screaming at night and come down to wake her? What if she'd thrown her daughter across the coffee table?
Her gut clenched and for a second she thought she might be sick.
She couldn't look at him while she bandaged up his hand, taking extra care to make sure the dressing was on tight. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.
"Kate, stop."
She finally looked him in the eye. "What?"
"This is the ninth time you've apologized. I counted. Do it one more time and I will force-feed you a smorelette for breakfast."
His blue eyes had crinkled with amusement when he said it, and all it did was serve to put another dagger into her heart. She had to get out of here before she did any more damage to the people she loved.
She threw the paper waste from her impromptu nursing into the trash bin and told him she'd call a taxi.
Castle looked at her incredulously. "Kate, it's two in the morning. Stay here. There's an empty guest bedroom upstairs."
"So I can wake up screaming next to Lily's room? No."
"I called Lanie and told her you'd be staying here tonight. You'll give her a heart attack if you sneak into her apartment now."
Kate bit her lip. Probably true.
But better than giving Lily one.
"I'll be quiet."
Castle's fingers curled around her wrist, guiding her out of the bathroom. "Fine. If you insist on leaving I'll call you a cab. But at least have a cup of herbal tea in the kitchen with me first. Tell me what you dreamed about."
She didn't want to. Didn't want to go back there and didn't want to drag him into this increasingly dark abyss of her forgotten six years.
But she probably owed him that much for almost killing him in the middle of the night.
"Okay," she breathed.
She made him sit down at the kitchen counter while she prepared the kettle and scoured the cupboard for a tea that was soothing and caffeine free. Then she brought them both a cup when she'd found one – ginger lemon – after hearing the kettle whistle. She also turned off the kitchen light and lit a candle between them instead. It was too bright for her. For the headache that was blooming behind her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she said it again when she sat down, even though it wasn't enough.
"You are definitely forced to stay here now and have a smorelette tomorrow morning. Just so you know."
It still didn't manage to make her smile even though he was trying so goddamn hard, because that's what he did. Nothing about this was funny to her.
"Why'd you break up with Hayley?" she asked, taking a sip of her tea and then regretting when it burned her lips.
He raised his brows, taken aback. So much so that she nearly wanted to apologize again. She hadn't planned to ask him. The question had flown from her lips unexpectedly, without her thinking.
"I thought we were going to talk about your dream."
"So you're not going to tell me?"
"I, uh…" He trailed the rim of his mug with the index finger of his uninjured hand. "I could give you a lot of reasons, but I figure you probably want the truth."
"Yes."
"We broke up because you came back."
Kate swallowed. She was the one taken aback now. "Castle…I never intended…"
"I know," he raised his hand. "Not suggesting anything of the sort. I couldn't be with her knowing you were here and alive. It wasn't fair to her. Doesn't change anything between us. I don't…expect anything from you. I want you to know that."
That finally elicited a smile. "Except to eat a smorlette tomorrow morning?"
"Yes," he grinned. "Except that. I expect you to face the consequences of excessive and unnecessary apologizing."
"Not unnecessary. I am sorry."
"You're up to two smorelettes now."
She chuckled. Unreal, how he did that. Ease the tension with his charm. "Gross."
"Tell me about your dream." He was the serious one now.
She took another sip of tea, grateful that it wasn't quite so hot anymore. And then she told him. About the man she stabbed to death, egged on by a voice telling her how much she enjoyed it.
He listened to her with the kind of undivided attention he always gave her. "Do you have nightmares often?"
"No. First time since I got back."
"It's a dream. An awful one, but still just a dream. Nothing more."
She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, wanting to tell him the rest. The video. The trip to Philly. The texts.
Because maybe he'd see something she'd missed, as he so often did. Because no one else could think outside the box like he could.
"Kate?"
"Maybe not."
"What do you mean?"
She hesitated but then he saw that she had more to tell him and of course he coaxed it out of her.
So she told him everything.
Kate marvelled at his composure through it all. That he barely flinched when she verified that it was indeed her on the video. Not that it should have surprised her. He'd been her rock for as long as she could remember.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She caught the anger in his voice.
Kate met his eyes. You know why.
He acknowledged her silent response with the slightest nod. "Let me help you solve this."
"What if we don't like what we find?"
Castle leaned forward on his elbows. "I don't for one second believe that you ran off so you could go a six-year killing spree. No way in hell, Kate. Not possible."
"But the evidence…"
"A video, that can be doctored."
"Not a video. A street cam. Then there was testimony. There's also a possible witness. The texts."
"Don't just look at the evidence. Look for the story too."
"This would be so much easier if I could remember."
"The one memory you've had so far was a memory of you being held captive," he reminded her.
Kate exhaled. That was true. "I guess."
"Obviously you need a rational, level-headed partner to who's going to remind you not to jump to far-fetched conclusions every time a new piece of evidence shows up."
Kate chuckled. "Obviously."
"I mean it, Kate. Let me help. Please."
She took the last sip of tea. Exhausted. From the nightmare and the panic of seeing his bloody hand. From the release of telling him everything. She wanted him by her side, desperately. But she didn't want to drag him and his family into this mess.
"Let me sleep on it?"
"Yeah…of course."
"Show me your hand," she reached for him, not pulling back when her skin made contact with his for the first time since she'd seen him in the hospital. She wanted that too, to feel his skin on hers again. But it all still hurt too much.
Beckett ran her thumb across the bandage, pleased to see the small bloodstain underneath it hadn't grown.
"Am I gonna live?"
"Not funny."
He smiled anyway. "I'll call you a cab."
"Castle…"
"Hmm?"
"Is the offer still there? The guest bedroom upstairs?"
"What?" He hopped off the stool he'd been sitting on. Eager. "Yes. Of course. It's yours. As long as you want it."
"Just until morning."
He nodded. "Okay. I'll get you some spare things."
"Thanks."
"Anytime."
He came back with one of his oversized t-shirts and handed it to her, along with some towels, a new toothbrush, still in its plastic wrap, and a set of towels.
She mouthed a quiet thank you and then slowly climbed the stairs of her old home for the first time in six years.
A/N: For story purposes I added an extra bedroom to the Castle loft. Hope you'll forgive me for tinkering with canon on that front.
