A/n: So, so, so, so, so, so, SO, sorry for the long wait. I have many understandable reasons (excuses) for why this is late but I'll just let you guys get on with what you clicked this for. Thank you for all the reviews!! Thanks to my betas as usual :D
"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." -- Oscar Wilde
"Well, it looks like you're ready to go!" The doctor smiled as she helped me into the wheelchair. I smiled back and folded my hands in my lap. I was so excited to get home, to be out of this building and have privacy again. The glass door slid open and Cole came bouncing in, his smile more contagious than anything else. I moved my hand and motioned for him. He hugged me gently and I hugged him back.
"Be careful," Jake quietly reminded Cole. Cole gave him dubious look.
"I'm not gonna punch her, Dad." He rolled his eyes. Jake and I exchanged a look and Jake laughed, tousling his son's hair. The nurse walked forward timidly.
"It's time to go. Would you like to go get your daughter, Mr. Ryan?"
He grasped my hand and squeezed it. We smiled at each other for a moment and then he followed the nurse. They were about to walk out of the door when another doctor blocked their path. It was the doctor from the nursery. Her face was shocked and solemn. I wondered what had happened to her. I hoped she was alright.
She pulled the nurse aside, and they talked in whispers. The nurse gasped, and I felt a small prick of fear stab at the pit of my stomach. I shot a panicked look at Jake, but he wasn't moving. I watched his shoulders and realized he was holding his breath.
"Jake," I called out in panic, "Jake, what's wrong?"
His head jerked to mine, and the look on his face was one I will never forget. His eyes were wide and his face white, the look of terror.
"What's wrong Dad? What's happening?" Cole took my hand while he talked to Jake. The doctor was talking to just Jake now, and my heart stopped.
"Jake," I choked out, pushing myself out of the wheelchair, "Jake, what's wrong?" I walked toward him on shaky, weak legs and shrugged off the nurse's hand as she tried to restrain me. I touched his bicep with feeble hands, and as my hand closed around it, the muscles tightened even more. He was still holding his breath. I glanced at his face, my breathing way too fast. His expression swam around my mind, and I couldn't breathe anymore. The doctor looked at me and I had to be asleep because this had to be my nightmare. This couldn't be reality. I couldn't really be falling so fast.
"Miley," His voice sounded so far away and my hand fell off Jake's arm. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry.---
A sharp knock on the door wrenched my mind from memory to reality, something that was an improvement. I couldn't remember the last time reality had been above memory. I pulled myself upright and pushed the blankets off me. I slid onto the floor and jumped as my foot came in contact with something cold and wet. I sighed as I realized I'd kicked over the glass of water sitting on the floor beside the bed. I maneuvered around it and walked carefully to the door. I had no idea who it could be.
The lack of a peephole made me clear my throat. "Who is it?" I asked. The responding silence told me all I needed to hear.
I backed away from the door as quietly as I could. I backed up until my legs hit the bed. I sat down, and like a small child, crawled under the covers. I crawled down to the middle of the bed and curled up into a ball. Only echoes of the noise around me filtered through and the knocking sounded like the gentle, impatient tapping of fingernails against the top of a grand piano. I pretended I was there, in a studio, recording a song. Maybe it would be going smoothly, or maybe I would have decided the melody needed a little tweaking. Maybe Cole and Jake would come by for lunch. Maybe the producer and I would get into a quarrel that would end with both of us proud of what we had settled with.
After a while, the noise stopped and a silence louder than the knocking settled over me. I didn't move from my spot until about five minutes later. My ears were buzzing with the white noise and the cold air rushed into my eager lungs.
Just then, a familiar jingle came from my laptop, alerting me of a new email. I froze and bit my lip, trying to decide if I should read it right now. One part of me told myself that I should wait until I was more emotionally stable, but the other part reminded me that that day probably won't ever come.
I moved across the bed and reached onto the other nightstand. I pulled the laptop into my lap.
I breathed deeply and clicked into my inbox. It was from Jake, just as I knew it would be. I stared at the subject for what felt like hours before I clicked the message. I focused on reminding myself that this was the way it had to be as the message loaded.
To: Miley Ryan
From: Jake Ryan
CC:
Subject: Re: [No Subject]
It's fine, I understand. Don't feel terrible about missing that, I missed it too. I feel even worse about getting you drunk now. If you're 19 weeks…that means you've had alcohol…two times? What does that mean? Did you ask the doctor? I'm so sorry. I know you're probably beating yourself up over that right about now. Please don't blame yourself. It's not like you knew. Accidents happen. I'm sure they are just fine. Have they kicked yet? Two girls. It's almost like a blessing, don't you think? Have you thought of names? Did you get ultrasound pictures? How do twins look in the womb? Were their heartbeats good? I miss you. How are you doing? Do you feel okay? Are you eating? Is the morning sickness getting better? Are you staying somewhere comfortable? Sorry I'm asking so many questions. I just feel like I'm missing so much and I want to be there with you. It makes me feel uneasy to not be there. I guess what I'm really trying to ask is: are you coming home? I love you.
I was almost surprised to see myself smiling. And for a moment I felt excited about this. Two little girls. Jake was right. They will be okay. But the light air of the room pushed the memory of the soft tapping upon the door into my face and I extinguished my hope like the temporary flame it was.
I pressed the reply button, because I needed to talk to him and this was the only way my precautious self would let me. I didn't want him to hurt. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I wanted him to be so happy, happier than he had ever been. But I didn't know how to do that. I couldn't do that.
To: Jake Ryan
From: Miley Ryan
CC:
Subject: Re: Re: [No Subject]
But it wasn't your body. I've been through pregnancies so much that it's unacceptable that I missed it. I'm an idiot. Don't blame yourself, you knew even less than I did. I asked the doctor and she said it could go either way with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She said she knew someone—her sister I think—who drank all the time and her child is fine. But she said that she drank once, or something sparse like that, and her child has it. With our luck in this department I'm sure you can probably guess what's probably going to happen. I'm so sorry, Jake. I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry for killing your children and I'm sorry that I can't be happy and make you happy. I wish that I could. It's all I want. I would give my life to make you happy. When did I fall so in love with you? One minute my life is fine without you and the next it seems you are my life. It happened so suddenly. I think I must have subconsciously fallen hard for you when you dumped a milkshake/smoothie on my head when I was hiding in that trashcan. That was such a long time ago. Do you remember that? I do. I remember the first time I saw you and I want to remember the last. I want you to be just as happy in the last as you were in the first. I don't want to be without you but would it make you happy in the long run? You always made me happy. You gave me everything I ever wanted and more. I want to do that for you. And that's why I left you, as much as I didn't want to, and that's why I can't come home, Jake. I'm sorry but I can't. Me being there hurts you.
They have kicked. They are much gentler than Cole, but which baby wasn't? I wish you were here to feel it. I haven't thought of names and I don't want to. How could I? If they aren't fine I don't want to have to break down in tears every time I hear the name I christened them. I did get pictures. If you want, I can mail you them. The ultrasounds these days are so detailed it's amazing. Twins look…cramped, honestly. I feel bad for them. Hopefully my stomach will get larger though so they have more room to move around. The heartbeats were very good. I miss you too, but you already know that. I'm doing okay. I feel early pregnancy sucky. Yes, I'm eating. And yes the morning sickness was much better this morning. I'm very comfortable here. I'm going to need to hire a maid though, because I'm on strict bed rest. It makes me feel uneasy too. I love you more.
I sent it quickly, before I backed out. I felt lighter with all of that said to him, but somehow even worse because telling him these things might only hurt him more. I felt so much happier when I was with him, even over this artificial way. And that scared me.
How could I ever leave when all I ever wanted is to stay?
TWO MONTHS LATER:
Nobody except Jake and I know this, but a week before my twenty-sixth birthday, we broke up. It was a mutual decision that we made in the wake of more pain than we both knew what to do with. We considered the possibility that maybe it would hurt less if we didn't see each other every day. We reminded each other of her, and that just made dealing with the fact that she was a stillborn that much harder. He packed his bags, hugged Cole goodbye, and was gone by the morning. It took us one day to realize that it only made the pain worse. It took us three days to admit it to each other. I was in the process of calling him when his car pulled into the driveway. We reunited and made a silent promise that we'd never, ever be without each other again. Neither of us have mentioned that day since it happened. All of our family thought he was on a business trip, while we both knew that in reality he was close to the shore of giving up.
But in a way, I'm glad that happened. Not that those days didn't suck, because they really did. But it was only a matter of time before we blew up and tried to call our relationship quits. I was thankful that when we had, it had been in a calm, rational way instead of one fueled by anger. We needed to learn what it was like without each other, and that was probably the safest situation to have learned that.
And now we were learning again. Except it was a little less hard this time, because we were still together. He was still my husband and I was still his wife. I was just his wife who had a breakdown.
I moved into an apartment in this same, small town. It had been mostly furnished when I'd arrived (the previous owners won the lottery, apparently, and left their old furniture for bigger, better things). I had felt better about renting it when I learned I wouldn't also have to buy furniture for a place I wouldn't even be in for a year. I was already spending too much on doctor's visits (our health insurance didn't cover medical expenses outside of California), and any way to lower the spending was a good way. The furniture was actually in very good shape and I couldn't imagine why these people would want to just get rid of their furniture to waste lottery winnings on more.
I was emailing most my family weekly, or daily in Jake's case. Lana was far in her pregnancy, and it was surprisingly fun to hear about how she was doing. She was just as excited and terrified as a new mother should be. As sad I was for myself, I was just as happy for her. At least someone could have a successful pregnancy in this family.
Cole and I emailed almost as much as Jake and I. I had learned more about him in these past two months than I had in the past years raising him. Currently we were talking about college, something so extremely normal that it almost made all this abnormality disappear. I was selfishly encouraging his college preferences that were in California. But I think those are the ones he really wants to go to anyway, so it's not like I was shoving something onto him that he didn't want. He loved California a whole lot more than I had at that age. But then again—he was raised there. Although he did admit when we went back (I didn't have the heart to change that statement to "if we went back") he would miss the snow. Jake wasn't as snow-promoting. He hated it, something I never knew about him. It was very interesting to learn something you never knew about the person you've lived with for fifteen years.
Lilly and Jackson seemed to be paired up lately. They both emailed me around the same times, and were M.I.A at the same times. Actually, the last emails I got from both of them detailed fights (in Jackson and Mallory's case) and tears (in Lilly and Isaak's) in their relationships. Only time would tell but I think someone would have to be stupid not to realize what was happening. I wished Lilly would email me back and give me the details. Something as trivial as gossip was so welcome right now.
My dad and Alana were impossible to talk to. All they did was talk to me like they were either plagiarizing Hallmark cards or they were repeating what the Suicide Help Hotline told them to say. If I read one more line about how bumps in the road only bring us home, I'm going to have these babies and shoot myself. Which hopefully wouldn't be too much longer. The having the babies part, not the shooting myself part. I was 27 weeks along (that's 6 months for those who don't speak pregnancy) so I had about 13 weeks to go, give or take two. My projected due date was November eleventh. The cesarean section was loosely planned for that day. They were doing very well, but I was on even stricter bed rest to prevent premature labor. The fact that I was almost at the seventh month concerned me. I had carried Cole's sisters to full term, but no telling if these babies would decide to make their arrival before they were supposed to come, like Cole had. Although, after explaining that situation to Malone (my doctor), she came to the conclusion that premature birth didn't run in my family. Apparently having a murderer about to beat you to death puts you in enough stress to go into labor.
I had to hire a maid because of the bed rest. Her name was Susan, and she was one of the nicest people I've ever met. She had her own children at home, two of which were also fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. It was nice to have someone to express my concerns to who had actually experienced the pregnancies, and we'd become friends quickly. She was a firm believer that these babies would be born completely healthy. There was something so comforting about her that I actually felt myself believing her. Maybe it had to do with the fact she reminded me so much of my mother. It made me wonder if this was how my mother would have acted if she were here with me today. I wonder how she would have felt to see me like this. I was glad she didn't have to.
Since I'd moved into this apartment, I hadn't heard from Luke. I knew he was probably just making me feel a false sense of security before he struck, but it was hard to believe he would. The sun was always shining in a way that made everything seem better. I even felt better. The stronger the babies grew, the stronger my heart grew. And with a strong heart, there was happiness for one of the first times in a very long time. It felt so good to be giving life again, instead of taking it. In fact, my new found optimism had even gone so far as to ask Jake and Cole to be here when the babies came. Susan and Malone had to be right. And it was not fair to Jake to not let him be there to see his children born just because of a risk.
It was currently three A.M. and sleep wasn't coming. The babies decided it might be fun to have a kicking contest. Baby A was currently winning, but probably only because she had the best aim at my ribs. I wished more than anything that Jake was here. He'd be able to get them to settle down. I sang to them, I talked to them, I played music for them, I patted and rubbed the outside of their home, but nothing worked. I gave up and watched TV while they played soccer with my organs.
Around five A.M. I got an email. I sat up and pulled the laptop over to me. I left it sitting on the other side of the bed most the time, because it was most convenient. I clicked the areas to lead me to the inbox blindly and clicked the unread message.
To: Miley Ryan
From: Jake Ryan
CC:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ireland
Don't forget Greece! It's just as beautiful. I think after all this is over a small house in the countryside of Greece would be perfect. Even if only for a year. Remember the last time we went to Greece? That was so much fun and we were only there for two days. There's just something so peaceful about it, don't you think? Besides, I think we'll be so stressed with two new babies that we'll need all the relaxing nature we can get.
Do you know who Cole's constantly talking to? I swear, the only time I see him off the phone is when he's sleeping. He's even taken to talking when he's eating. I hope he doesn't talk when he's using the bathroom…but who really knows? I've asked him but he just changes the subject quickly and very well I might add. It's obviously a girl. Do you think it's Emily? If so, we called that years ago. Poor Oliver. Poor Robby. You know about five or six Christmases ago, after he drank too much whiskey, he admitted that I was the last person he would have wanted you to fall for. Apparently a "nice, Christian, country boy" was who he had been counting on to have as a son-in-law. Should have known you better. I can't picture you with some goody-good 'yes ma'am, no ma'am' man. Of course it's impossible to picture you with anyone else but me. You deserve someone that's so sexy it's practically impossible, and I'm the only one that fits that criteria. I wonder who I'll be counting on having for son-in-laws when the girls grow up. Maybe doctors. Responsible, smart doctors. Ugh, thinking about them getting married is scary.
How was your day? Oh! I almost forgot. You'll never guess who called me asking for advice today. Jackson. He called Oliver too. The poor guy's desperate. Apparently he's ended things with that bitch and likes someone else. He wanted to know if he should tell her or just ignore it because she's with someone else. Of course, Oliver and I had a good laugh that he was asking two guys' opinions on that. Sounded more like a question you and Lilly could answer better. Hmmm, I wonder who the person he likes could be. Oliver put sixty dollars on my sister; I put sixty on Lilly. Want in on this bet? I think we're about to be a whole lot richer. Speaking of, have you been talking to Oliver? I should probably go now. I love you
I smiled and patted my stomach.
"Your daddy is gossiping," I giggled to them. I found it a little funnier than it actually was, and I had to laugh for a few minutes before I could reply. And then once I had the new email opened, I pictured Oliver and Jake gossiping with Jackson over the phone and I collapsed into laughter again. Once my irrational laughter calmed, I was surprised to find the babies had too.
To: Jake Ryan
From: Miley Ryan
CC:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ireland
Greece does sound beautiful. Probably just as beautiful as Ireland, if not more. I think that is something we need. Cole would like living in a different country for a year or so, and I think it would be very good for us and the babies.
I don't know for sure, but I think it's Caitlyn Mongelli. You remember her, don't you? You know Claire, Oliver's girlfriend? She's Claire's best friend Alyssa Mongelli's daughter. Emily and Caitlyn are close now that Emily and the little wh—Um, Emily and Lila aren't friends anymore. She's very pretty and I'm sure she's got Cole around her finger. And seeing how you explain their talking habits, she has.
My dad will get over it. He's lucky to have you as a son-in-law. And marry some shy country boy? Never. What would I do with the lack of ego in my life? I'm interested in seeing how you act when they start dating. It's going to be hilarious.
My day was boring, as usual. If you saw me now you'd have to find a bigger mountain than Kilimanjaro to call me. I seriously look like I did when I was 9 months, but I'm only 6. I'm actually scared of how big I'm going to get once I'm near the end. I already feel like I'm using a bottle of lotion a night on my skin. If I get stretch marks after all this, I'm going to be pissed off.
I can just picture you and Oliver gossiping with Jackson like little old ladies in a salon. I can't believe Jackson, my annoying older brother, was asking you and Oliver for advice. And my money is so on Lilly. He's liked her since…well probably about as long as we've liked each other. Why would Oliver think it was Lana? Is something going on that I don't know about? Not to mention that'd be a little weird…she's his sister-in-law. Oliver's mind works in very…special ways sometimes. And we don't talk that much, but we emailed a few times. Why? Is something going on? I love you too.
Once I sent it, I turned the TV off and closed my laptop, ready for sleep. I turned on my side and was out before a single thought managed to rampage through my mind.
I woke late in the afternoon, so late I felt guilty even though I had no place to be. The first thing I heard was Susan's singing as she did the dishes. I felt the familiar twinge of shame that she was doing all my work for me. But she needed a job, and I needed a way to keep my babies safe.
"Hi Susan!" I called as I worked on getting up out of the bed.
"Good morning!" She yelled cheerfully. Once I was sitting up I placed my feet on the floor and unsteadily rose. I went to the dresser and pulled out new clothes. I carefully walked into the bathroom, and after I used the restroom, I showered for an hour. Afterwards I went about rubbing a bottle of cacao butter lotion that smelled into my skin. It was three P.M. by the time I was done with everything.
Once I was dressed, I walked into the kitchen. Susan was in the living room watching TV (something I'd encouraged her to do from the moment she came here to help. She didn't get much time to herself at home) and she smiled at me as I walked in.
I opened the fridge and pulled out ingredients for a salad with chicken.
"Want some?" I called to her. She shook her head but I made enough for both of us anyway. And just as I thought, she changed her mind once it was made. I grabbed our bowls and two bottles of water from the fridge and sat down beside her on the couch. We chatted easily while we watched an old movie. She insisted on making me dinner before she left and she also brought me a blanket and my laptop. I wasn't going to move back to the bed until bedtime.
The apartment felt colder once I was alone again. I was thankful for the blanket she'd thought to bring me, and I spread it out over me. I set the laptop on the coffee table and yawned as I opened it. My dad and Lana had replied, and I replied to them before I turned my attention back on the TV.
After a few minutes of flipping, I found a Zombie High marathon. I watched it for a few hours. I was watching it when I heard a key being inserted into the doorknob.
I frowned. Susan wasn't supposed to come back until tomorrow morning. I nervously reached for the phone.
"Susan?" I called. The doorknob turned and I didn't hear Susan reply. I dialed 911. My finger hovered over the call button.
The door pushed open and my worst nightmare in all his glory entered. I pressed send. He hurried across the room and ripped it out of my hands before it even rang. My head raced with statistics. If the babies were born now, they'd have about an eighty-five percent chance of living. That wasn't good enough.
"Don't kill me," I begged. He sat down in the armchair as if he sat there every day. My heartbeat was so irregular that it was disturbing the babies and I felt them stirring. I could hardly breathe.
He smiled a smile that almost looked kind.
"Before we jump to any decisions, let's bask in the nostalgia. So many things are alike in this situation and the one so many years ago. You going into labor would just complete it."
I bit my lip and tried to keep the words from escaping my mind.
"Only if you get to have your ass beaten again."
His smile disappeared. He leaned forward.
"Are you blind or just stupid? I have beaten you and your family every single time. And I will win again."
I sniffed. "No you won't. I'm going to die either way. Jake and Cole know that. Killing me won't be winning."
He leaned his head back. "I know that. I'm not an idiot. I'm going to make you wish you were dead."
I felt anger rising in me.
"Well congratulations because you made that happen a long time ago! You must be an idiot not to realize that."
He laughed and shook his head. "No. You still had things to live for. You still had people to live for." He leaned forward and patted the top of my stomach, "You still had dreams and wishes and aspirations. But you won't."
His words made me shake and want to cry. I paused to get a hold of myself before I replied.
"You can't hurt them. You don't even know where they are. I don't even know where they are, so I know you can't."
He smirked and stood up slowly. He walked to the door and right before he walked out he said one thing.
"Call him. I'm sure 42nd West St. Otis Street in Richmond, Virginia will sound familiar to him."
And he was gone. I breathed deeply and tried to keep my blood pressure under control. The babies already felt my distress and it was making them anxious. I didn't even feel the kicks. I reached for the laptop, but I knew by the time he emailed me back it would be too late. I shakily stood up and focused on not falling as I grabbed the phone he'd taken away. I dialed the number I knew by heart so quickly that I almost didn't remember doing it. It rang twice before he picked up.
"Miley?" He seemed doubtful. I gasped for air.
"Where are you and Cole, Jake? Where are you staying?" I tried to get the level of my voice to make it sound as though I was okay, but it was too late.
"What happened? Are you okay? What's wrong?" He panicked.
"Please just tell me, Jake. Where are you?"
"Richmond." He sounded confused.
I cursed and bit my lip. I wanted nothing more than him to be here right now. I wanted him to hug me and say that everything was going to be okay.
"42nd West St. Otis Street?" I whispered.
"What is going on?" He asked, his voice pleading.
I fought back hysterics.
"Jake, you and Cole have to go somewhere else. Go out of the country. Go hide somewhere. Please. Luke knows where you are. He is going to kill you. Please go as soon as you can. I couldn't handle it if something happened to you guys."
He practically had an aneurysm. "Luke? Luke is there? You saw him? Did he hurt you? Are you okay? Jesus Christ!"
"I'm fine. Please just go somewhere safe. That's all you can do for me now."
There was a pause and maybe for the first time he refused me of something.
"No. No! I am not going out of the country when that…that…evil bastard is there! I'm coming there. Don't try to stop me. I'm coming. You are not facing this alone."
This time I couldn't stop the panic.
"NO! You can't bring yourself and Cole into this! I am facing this alone!"
His voice got a hard edge to it I've never heard directed at me.
"Over my dead body."
"Jake you can't do that to Cole! How can you bring our son into danger like this? Please don't do this!"
I couldn't stop from crying then. The only thing running through my mind was how terrible it would be when Jake came here and was killed. I knew that was probably Luke's plan in the first place. To have Jake and Cole come here and be murdered and make me feel guilty.
"Are you crying?" Jake asked the hard edge in his voice gone. I ignored him.
"I won't bring Cole. I'd never bring him into this fight. Oliver can watch him. I was already planning on coming down there before the surgery to make sure you were okay, and Oliver was going to fly here to watch him. Well actually Oliver, Claire, Emily, Alyssa, and her daughter." He continued.
For a minute I wondered why they would all come. "You can't just leave him with Oliver and his girlfriend, and you can't come here! Please don't Jake, please! I have everything under control! This is just what he wants!"
"You've known Oliver for years! You know he'll take care of Cole. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I can't leave you there. If I was stuck in an apartment and Luke was there what would you do?"
I fell silent then because we both know what I would do. I sniffed.
"I don't want you to get hurt."
His voice softened, "I don't want you to get hurt either. That's why I'm coming." I wiped my eyes and he continued. "Now, are you going to tell me where you are or am I going to have to call the CIA?"
I laughed weakly.
"You better make sure my son is safe." I paused and then recited my address to him.
"I'll get on a plane as soon as possible. I love you."
I squeezed my eyes shut. "I know. I love you too. Please be careful."
I could almost see his smile, "Always am, Mom."
"Shut up. I'm serious. Fly Delta."
"Okay. Don't worry. I will fly Almighty Delta." We both laughed and it felt so good to be talking that I almost forgot all the worries.
We said goodbye again, and I hung up the phone. And almost instantly, the babies resumed their game of organ soccer. From the TV I heard the voice of Jake so many years ago.
"Dudes, I slayed you once looks like I'm gonna have to slay you again!"
