Chapter 29: Awake My Soul
'Law and order' isn't a phrase you tend to like very much. Because past – and current – experience has taught you that although people like to act as if those two elements exist hand-in-hand, they often do not. A court case can bring up all sorts of issues that the police often disregard as irrelevant, or choose to ignore, or simply fail to notice; and turn them into make-or-break claims for the accused.
Right now – as you run from the court, down the staircase, across the foyer, outside onto the stone steps, and then grind to a shuddering halt in the square out the front, by the fountain whose cool, refreshing drops of water are mingling with the hot tears cascading down your cold cheeks – you really loathe the justice system. Because in that courtroom you've just fled from, there was no justice.
Because justice isn't just making sure that bad things happen to bad people, but that good things happen to good people. There was no justice.
The level of your sobs increases as you think of Joe: his kind, smiling, boyish face; the way he still insistently calls you 'babe', just to wind you up. You think of everything he's done for you and you instantaneously hate yourself for what you did to him just a fortnight ago – the way you broke his heart like that.
You think of Leo, and how he's been your rock throughout this whole ordeal, of how he doesn't question or comment on the way you've chosen to handle things as of late. He didn't try and stop you from leaving five minutes ago, as he once would have done. He understood that you had to get out of there, that it was unbearable, that you couldn't comprehend what had happened. You realise that he probably didn't try and stop you, because he probably felt the same way...
You think of Janet, her soothing manner and trusting nature, her talks with you that have kept you sane – yet even she can't keep you from falling apart this time.
And finally ... or firstly ... or constantly (you're not sure which) you think of Harry. His face as he was led back in that courtroom to hear the verdict; his eyes, so empty and full of hopelessness – a stark contrast to how they used to be. You think longingly back to the days when he would always be there to make things better. Days which have now evaporated into a place where it all could have been a dream.
You clutch another memory close, a memory of when things looked like they were going to get better – little did you know then. A memory of the last words spoken between the two of you.
A phone call, some six weeks ago...
"Hi, Nikki..."
Nikki swallowed hard, her hand shaking as she gripped the phone. "Harry?"
"Yeah," he confirmed softly.
"Oh ... Hi," she replied meekly.
On the other end of the line, Harry laughed softly. "Hello."
"What – I mean... How are you?" she asked, cringing at how pathetic she was.
"I'm fine," he told her, and just hearing his voice made her stomach flip. "Really, I am. But I wasn't ringing to talk about me."
Nikki sighed. "Leo told you."
"Yes. Are you all right?" he asked, and she could hear his concerned frown.
"Yeah. It's only cuts and bruises," she said truthfully.
"That's not what I meant," Harry said quietly.
She sighed, tired of telling people the same thing. "I fell asleep at the wheel and went through a red light straight into oncoming traffic. I was tired, that's all. I didn't intentionally try to hurt myself, I promise."
"Oh, I don't doubt that," he said assuredly. "You're far too rational and strong to do anything on that level. You'd never let a man weaken you like that, especially me."
Unable to escape a grin from gracing her lips, Nikki curled up at the end of the sofa some more and said, "If you know that then why are you checking up on me?"
Harry sighed, his tone immediately becoming more serious, "It's not about what you did or didn't do. It's about why you were so tired in the first place, Nikki."
"I hadn't really been sleeping," Nikki muttered dejectedly.
"I mean, I've seen you tired before," Harry continued. "Of course I have. I've seen you work through the night and still manage to keep going to next day. I've seen you spend thirty-six hours straight on a really difficult case, yet still manage to drive home safely at the end of it. So what was different this time?"
A tear slid down Nikki's cheek, and she shook her head despite knowing that Harry couldn't see her. "It was you, Harry. I can't sleep without you. It's like ... everything's exactly the same, except it's not because you're not here. And without you here it's twice as hard to function properly, because normality is non-existent. It's exhausting," she whispered, her voice cracking. "It's exhausting trying to hate you."
There was silence on the other end of the phone for a moment, before Harry said, "I know."
Suddenly, a wave of frustration swept over Nikki. "You don't know though, do you, Harry? How can you? Because you broke up with me, so clearly you don't care at all!"
"Nikki..."
"I really wish we'd never met sometimes," she spat bitterly.
"Don't say that..." he said, so dejectedly that it nearly broke Nikki's heart, and it took all the effort she had not to burst into tears and take the statement back.
"I read your letter," he added quietly.
Unsure whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, Nikki said, rather caustically, "Good for you."
"I broke up with you because I didn't want this to happen to you. I thought if I ended things then you wouldn't have all the sleepless night and the worrying; I thought that you wouldn't care."
It was so typical of the pair of them that Nikki nearly laughed. "You're such an idiot, Harry," she said, shaking her head. "You breaking up with me doesn't flick a switch that stops me caring about you. I wish I had a switch like that, but I don't. None of us do. Besides which, you're still my best friend."
"Perhaps I made a mistake..." he mused.
Nikki's brows contracted, her insides clenching. "What are you trying to say?"
He sighed again. "I don't know, Nikki. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. Let's not make any decisions or do anything that we might regret."
"I'm don't get it," she frowned, but a flicker of hope was reignited in her stomach.
"We'll just see how things go. We won't say anything for definite. There will be no pressure, no more silent treatment," he told her.
"So what you're saying is-" she started, still unsure, but Harry cut across her.
"What I'm saying is: you can expect a visiting order on your doorstep in the next couple of days."
A smile broke across Nikki's face. "I really miss you, Harry."
"I miss you too," he told her, but they were both acutely aware that 'miss' wasn't the four-letter word that they either of them really wanted to say. However, Nikki knew that it was still early days, and that this was just the first step in what she was sure was a long road to them getting back to how they were before – if they ever did.
"I have to go now," Harry said apologetically. "There are other people waiting for the phone. God, nothing's your own in this place."
Nikki giggled. "Okay then. Take care of yourself, Harry."
"You too," Harry replied, seriously this time. "Please, no more crashing cars."
"I won't," she told him honestly.
"I'll see you soon, yeah?" he asked.
Nikki smiled. "Yeah. I'll see you soon. Bye."
Hands still shaking, she gently placed her phone on the coffee table in front of her, biting her lip in apprehension and excitement. For the first time in weeks, the thought crossed Nikki's mind that maybe things might turn out all right after all.
I know this chapter's a bit short, but I wanted to update for you as it's been a while and I'm really busy this weekend. I hope you like it; I'm not too sure about the third person bit at the start... Not the best I've ever written. Ah well.
Also, has everyone seen the synopsis for the first two-parter of Silent Witness (which is now airing in the first week of January)? It looks sooooooo good! I can't wait! Bring on the New Year! :D
Hope everyone in the UK is staying safe and warm amongst all the snow. Annoyingly, my college has been open all week. ;)
Muchlove,
Charlotte
xxxxx
