They were leaving for Illinois in six days.
Six days.
He better start packing up, he decided. He had a lot of clothes to pack up, and survivors. Books. Shoes. All of that.
He sat in the middle of their messy bedroom. Gabriels clothes were tossed everywhere. Piled on the chair, and hanging off the back of it, piled in the corner along with his shoes. Samandriel was at least a bit more tidy than Gabriel. The only thing he had out was a bunch of his toys, and his unmade bed.
Cas had made sure to store all his clothes in the dresser and his shoes under his bed. If he hadn't then he probably wouldn't be able to find anything in here thanks to Gabriel.
He pulled out his suitcase and his bag and started packing things up he knew he wouldn't need in the next few days.
He hadn't heard from Dean in forty eight hours now. He kept looking at his phone. Expecting a message. It killed him every time there wasn't one, and he ended up starting to hide his phone from himself so he wouldn't feel it anymore.
That afternoon seemed like forever ago now.
It was a blur of tears and Kleenex and tight hugs. It was all that topped off with embarrassing.
After his dad picked him up from Ellens they sat in the car in the parking lot of the restaurant. Chuck turned to him and said, "Do you want to talk about it now?"
Castiel just shook his head.
"Okay. I'll make your favorite for dinner. How about that?"
Cas nodded. Except he wasn't thinking about food now. He wasn't hungry. He stared out the window and tried not to break down again.
"Okay." said Chuck.
He drove them home.
When they did get home his brothers and sister were all in the living room. They were all ignorant to what had happened. Chuck had left so quickly he hadn't had time to explain what he was doing or where he was going.
"Hey," said Micheal, "whats up? Where'd you go?"
"I had to pick up your brother from Ellen's in town." their father said, placing his hand on Cas' shoulder.
"Why?" Lucifer twisted in the couch to look at them. The minute he saw Cas' face he got to his feet. He looked like he was going to rip someones lungs out and he hadn't even known what happened yet. "What happened."
"Dean..." Castiels voice broke and his lip wobbled, "Dean broke up with me..."
His siblings collectively looked at one other before turning back to him, their eyes all wide and their mouths hanging open in disbelief.
"You're joking." said Lucifer.
Cas broke down again, sputtering between sobs, "I'm not."
Chuck wrapped his arms around him from behind, leaning his cheek against his head and muttering that it would be all right. Then Anna came over and joined in. Soon so did Lucifer and Gabriel, and then Samandriel, and finally Micheal.
It felt a little ridiculous after, but Cas never felt more support and love from his family in-God knows when the last time that was.
Once they all separated from him Anna brushed his tears away with her thumb and kissed his cheek.
"It's stupid-" he said, "he's stupid-he's so-"
"Cassie I know, little dude, I know," she hugged him tightly again. "Let's go sit down okay? Luci will you get some Kleenex?"
Lucifer went to grab some without another word. Anna guided her brother into the living room even though he felt like he was perfectly capable of finding his way to the couch by himself. He let her anyways. He sat in between her and their father. Gabriel sat next to Anna and Micheal kneeled on the floor with Samandriel who stared up at him with round and confused eyes.
Lucifer came back with the Kleenex and a glass of water, handing them both to Castiel. He leaned on the arm of the couch, watching him as though he were going to blow up or run away again any second now.
"What happened, Cas?" asked Gabriel softly.
And so Cas told them. In between choking on tears and blowing his nose. He told them what happened at Ellens and everything Dean said. He told them about how weird he had been acting the past few days and how he knew something was wrong, but didn't think this would be it.
"...and then Jo called Dad and he came and picked me up." he said.
"Oh, Castiel," said Anna, "I'm so sorry."
"So Dean s'not coming over anymore?" said Samandriel, eyes watery.
"No, buddy," said Lucifer quietly, "he's not."
Cas brought his wrist up to his eyes and rubbed them for the hundredth time, sucking in a painful breath.
"I just thought...I don't know. He said-he said he still loved me but-" he broke himself off and folded into himself. Chuck rubbed slow, small circles in the center of his back and shushed him.
Someone reached up and patted their hand on his knee, he almost jumped when he heard it was Micheal, "He doesn't know what he's missing out on, Cas."
"Yeah, his loss," said Lucifer.
"Maybe starting a relationship here in Louisiana wasn't a smart idea in the first place." said Gabriel.
"Guys, guys," said Chuck, "I know you mean well but Cas doesn't need to hear-"
"I want to go lay down now." Cas deadpanned.
"Oh," said Chuck, "all right...of course, Castiel."
He let him get up from the couch. No one said anything else. He just felt their eyes on him as he walked to the staircase, and then he heard subtle whispers that were too quiet for him to eavesdrop on.
He laid in his bed, still hoping he'd wake up from this nightmare anytime now.
It wasn't until the sun was starting to set that Gabriel came upstairs with a plate of food. He didn't even knock, he just walked inside and sat at the foot of Cas' bed.
"I brought you up some dinner." he said.
Cas didn't respond.
"You hungry?"
He shrugged.
Gabriel sighed and set the plate on Cas' nightstand. "In case you get hungry later."
Cas still didn't say anything. He just stared at the wall and waited for his brother to leave. Gabriel wasn't going anywhere yet though, and he should have known that.
"You know boyfriends really aren't that great," he said, "I love being single, I don't have to worry about anyone else except myself! Besides, now that you know you like dudes your senior year of high school could be the best one yet."
Cas still didn't say anything. He wished Gabriel would just go away. He knew that he was just trying to make him feel better, but it wasn't working. He squinted his eyes shut as though it would make his brother disappear.
"Cas..." he said softly, "Castiel c'mon...say something."
Still nothing.
There wouldn't be anything to say for a while.
That night was a long one.
Cas continued sifting through his clothing and stashing them away in his suitcase. His drawer was almost clean, as well as his side of the room. He flopped down on the floor to check under the bed, making sure none of Gabriels shirts or pants had managed to crawl their way under there.
He did spot one gray t-shirt hiding between the wall and his bed. It looked like it had fallen through the crack in the bed, and Cas had to climb on his bed and reach down for it in order to reach. When he pulled it up he didn't recognize it as one of his brothers' or his own.
It was Deans.
It was Deans Led Zeppelin t shirt that he had forgotten here. He tried to remember the last time he saw him in this shirt. It must had been one time he came over after working at the garage, and he took it off to wear one of Cas' shirts because it was too sweaty.
Cas' heart twisted in his chest, and he started to feel the pinpricks of tears in his eyes again.
He brought the shirt up to his nose and inhaled. It still smelled like him.
Sunshine and leather and motor oil. If Dean was actually here and wearing this, Cas would think he would be able to still smell the cheap green apple scented shampoo. But he wasn't.
He smelled it again, his heart fluttering painfully.
It was like he had just found some long lost treasure, or had stumbled upon a time capsule.
Something from another time. A happier time. A time where he and Dean loved each other wholly and the end of summer vacation was the furthest thing from their mind.
He hugged it into his chest, as though it would help it heal. But it was still missing the shampoo.
Someone knocked on the door and he jumped, as though he were about to be caught doing something bad. He stuffed the shirt under his pillow before Micheal walked in.
"Hey," he said.
Cas got up and pretended he had been busy making his bed.
"Dad told me to tell you that we're going to the beach tomorrow with Aunt Rachel and Uncle Joshua. Doesn't that sound fun?"
Cas rolled his shoulders, tucking in the sheets to the corner of his mattress.
Micheal stood and watched him make his bed for a minute, before getting fed up and saying, "Cas, Cas-can you stop for a second? Sit down."
Micheal sat down on the half made bed first, and then Cas joined him. Micheal looked him in the eyes when he talked.
"Castiel I want to apologize."
Cas frowned, confused.
"I want to apologize again for hitting you."
He almost rolled his eyes, but instead went with squinting them quizzically and furrowing his brow.
"I know I already did, but...I feel like I didn't do it right the first time. I want to say I'm sorry, Cas. I'm really really sorry for the way I acted that night. I was wrong. I was just...I was so shocked and confused it came out as anger in the worst way. I think if you would have came out like you planned on before I would have acted differently-maybe I'm just saying that so I feel less guilty I don't know. But...I just wanted you to know that no matter how hard it was for me-I-I accept you, Castiel. You're my brother and I'll love you always. I might not understand everything but eventually I will. I know no amount of how many 'I'm sorrys' I give you will make up for anything, but I just wanted you to know that. Dean was good to you. You guys were so-you were so sweet together. I hope you work something out with him. If not...I'm always here for you little brother."
Cas fell into Micheal's arms, squeezing him tightly. Micheal squeezed back, a noise catching in his throat like he was about to cry, but he suppressed it.
"Thank you." said Cas softly.
"Hey, yeah," said Micheal, his voice weak, "anything for you."
They separated from the hug but Micheal kept his arm wrapped around Castiels shoulder.
"Want to go get some ice cream? I think Anna and Samanadriel were going."
Castiel nodded.
They got up from the bed and left the bedroom.
He thought maybe getting ice cream would help him feel better, and to forget about things for a while. Micheal probably hoped that too. But it didn't work the way he wanted to.
The Led Zeppelin t shirt under Cas' pillow stayed on his mind like a dirty secret. All he could think about was going back and holding it again. He had one last peice of Dean he could hold onto. Something he could say goodbye to.
He waited until the lights were off that night when he and his brothers went to bed. He stuck his hand under his pillow and took the shirt out, holding onto it like it was a childhood blanket. It was cool to touch and smelled like Dean all the same. He fell asleep with it curled in his fists and pressed against his nose.
He just wanted this. He just wanted something of Deans to remember him by. He didn't need anything else. Just this. That's all.
He dreamt of Dean.
And when he woke up his cheeks were streaked with dry tears.
He wondered if this was ever going to get any easier.
He sat on his beach blanket under the umbrella Aunt Rachel brought with them.
His knees were drawn up to his chest, and his nose was in his book.
It was a typical summertime scene for the Shurleys. Everyone was in the water except for Castiel. He was wearing his swim trunks but refused to go into the water the entire time.
No one even bothered to ask him to come in today. They were all so used to it.
He had heard them talking last night while they were eating dinner at Aunt Rachel's. He was in the living room pretending to be asleep.
They had been talking about him and Dean.
"Is he any better?" Uncle Joshua had asked.
"No," said Chuck, "he still won't say anything."
"He hardly talks," said Micheal, "and when he does it's just little things."
"It's just like before." said Anna dolefully, "He really opened up this summer and now..."
"I don't think he even said anything during dinner." added Rapheal.
"Have you tried to talk to him about it?" asked Balthazar.
"A few times," said Chuck, "we all have. But he won't say anything else about it. What about Dean?"
"He's talkative. But when he gets sad he gets frustrated and just stalks off."
"We've all had our fair share of bad breakups," said Aunt Rachel, "he just needs some time."
"I know that, Rachel," said Chuck, "But...he seems so-destroyed about this. Dean really had an impact on him. I feel like I can't help him I don't know what to do...his mother would probably know what to say..."
"Don't say that," said Aunt Rachel sternly, "you're twice as good as her."
"He'll work it out himself." said Uncle Joshua, "They both will. You said Castiel is never one to ask for help even when he needs it. He'll come to you when or if he wants to."
"He hasn't even talked about Dean once." said Lucifer, "It's like he just dropped off the face of the earth."
"I know..." added Gabriel quietly, "it's so weird. I know I told him that it wouldn't work out if they were together, ya know? I told him it'd be hard to do long distance...but, man...I was really rooting for them. I thought they could really do it..."
"They were so sweet together." muttered Naomi.
"Dean's been taking it hard too." said Balthazar, "Saying Cas' name around him is like saying Voldemort."
"Like saying what?" said Raphael.
"You know," said Balthazar, "Voldemort. From Harry Potter. It's bad luck if you say his name out loud."
Cas had just rolled over on the couch, plugging his ears with his fingers. He didn't want to listen to them talk anymore.
If given the choice he would have stayed home today. He would rather be laying in bed with Deans t shirt, trying to get over the pain and thinking of a million and one ways to say goodbye. He would rather think of calling his mother again and tell her everything just to tell her. Maybe she'd care. Maybe she'd change her mind.
He thought about that a lot the past few days. Not just because of what his father said the night before. He had thought about her before that. She'd have to care at least a little bit right? She was still his mother. There was still that part of her-right?
He chewed on the inside of his cheek, anxiously wondering about all the good and bad things that could happen with that phone call. Should he? Shouldn't he? He's crazy if he calls her again isn't he. But...
He stopped thinking about her when he spotted Balthazar and Gabriel coming up from the water.
They stood off to the side of a moment. Balthazars arm was around Gabriels shoulders, and he was talking into his ear like he was afraid someone would hear. But they were surrounded by fifty other people so he really had no reason to. Still, he talked as though he was sharing a secret. Gabriel looked over his shoulder at Castiel every once in a while, and Cas pretended not to notice.
They started walking over to him.
He buried his nose deeper into his book.
Please, he thought, not now. Please not now I'm not in the mood.
"Hey, Cassie." Balthazar greeted. He sat down in one of the beach chairs they brought and dug around in the cooler for a snack, "Want anything?"
Castiel just shook his head.
"Okay." He pulled out a can of Pepsi and tossed it to Gabriel. He pulled out another one for himself. "Want to go look for some shell fish? Naomi and Anna said they found some little crabs over there."
He thought for a moment, and then shook his head.
"Cas." said Gabriel, "Cas why aren't you talking to me anymore?"
Cas rolled his shoulders, eyes glued to his pages.
"Castiel stop it. Just say something!"
"Gabriel," said Balthazar, "you're not helping."
"No, Balthazar, I'm sick of this!" he said, "This is just stupid! He's being stupid!"
Cas turned to look at him and just glared. Why did he need to say anything? What was the point? What did he have to prove and why did Gabriel think it so important-
"Don't you dare go quiet again after all this," he shouted, "don't you dare go quiet over some stupid breakup-over some guy! It's pathetic!"
"Gabriel-" Balthazar tried again, but Gabriel only talked over him.
"You haven't said five words to me in days. I know Dean meant a lot to you but this is ridiculous! You went through so much shit this summer and you're going to go back to how you were before because he broke up with you? Thats pathetic."
"Pathetic?" Cas blurted, "You think I'm pathetic?"
Gabriel flailed his arms around in the air, "This whole situation is pathetic! Dean didn't even want to break up with you but he did anyway to 'spare your feelings' what a load of crap! Meanwhile you've done nothing but lay in bed all day talking to no one just like back in Illinois. He won't talk to you and you won't talk to him-but it's so fucking obvious that you want to talk to each other! Why do you have to make it so goddamn difficult for each other?"
Cas looked to Balthazar who sat awkwardly in the chair, digging his feet into the sand.
"Did Dean really say that?"
"More or less. He misses you, Cassie. He told me not to tell you...but you're my cousin. I just want you to be happy."
Cas turned back to his book just to have something to look at while he thought this over. He played with the pages with his thumb.
"He doesn't want to hear from me though," he said quietly, "its over. It'll just make things harder. You guys were all right. Dean was right. It was wrong to start a relationship here in Louisiana when we're going back up to Illinois. We'll be sad about it...but it'll be okay..."
"But you're not okay!" said Gabriel, "Cas, you can't keep pretending everything's okay when it's not! You can be upset about this, you're allowed to be mad at him! It's okay to not be okay, Castiel. Didn't you learn anything? It didn't work when Mom left why the Hell would it work now?"
"Don't you think that you and Dean should at least talk things out before you leave?" asked Balthazar.
Castiel shook his head.
Gabriel tossed up his hands and ran them through his hair like he was losing his mind, "Hopeless! This is hopeless!"
"It's okay, Cassie..."said Balthazar, sounding a little sad. He bent down and patted him on the arm, "whatever you want."
"Okay? Okay?" Gabriel repeated, "This is not okay! Have either of you been listening to me!"
Balthazar stood back up and grabbed him by the arm, muttering under his breath fiercely, "Come with me."
"What?" said Garbriel.
Balthazar shushed him quickly.
Castiel watched the two walk off towards the shore again. They disappeared into a crowd of people and he lost sight of them, but he had the nagging suspicion that they were planning something. Of course they were planning something. Cas wasn't dumb.
He sighed and rolled his eyes before returning to his book, though now he wasn't able to concentrate on it.
They were going to try and get him and Dean back together somehow. But it wasn't going to work, Dean didn't want them to get back together. And no matter how much Cas would love to try and make it work they were just going to have to accept that it wasn't. He had already come to terms with it. Dean didn't want him anymore.
He put his phone up to his ear.
His fingers had been shaking when he pressed the call button, and now his whole body felt like shaking. His insides too.
He clenched his fist up in the Led Zeppelin t shirt.
He drew a shaky breath when the first ring went off in his ear.
And then his heart dropped when an automated woman's voice told him,
"We're sorry this number is not accepting any calls at this time. Feel free to leave a message."
Then there was a long drawn out beep playing through his head. He sat there, choking on his breath.
She wouldn't see the message if he left one.
He took the phone away from his ear and clicked End with an angry and frustrated thumb. He felt like chucking it across the room.
Instead, he just fell into his bed. Pressing his face against his pillow. Holding the shirt against his chest.
I wasn't done yet, he thought, I wasn't done talking to you yet I have so many things to say I wasn't done with you yet Mom
She really was done with him.
"Cas, Cas wake up!"
Cas growled, rolling over and shoving his head under his pillow.
"Caaaaastiel," Gabriel sang.
"Go away." he said.
Someone shook his shoulders. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" it was Samandriel. "It's nearly noon, Cassie!"
"Ugh," he sat up on his elbows and turned to them, "what is it?"
His heart jumped when he remembered the shirt. He couldn't look for it now it'd be too obvious. He could only hope that they couldn't spot it in the mess of blankets and pillows.
"Hurry up and get dressed." Gabriel threw a pile of clothes at his face.
Cas clawed at the pair of pants that had attacked his head, tossing them onto the floor to watch his brothers scramble for the door. He didn't even get a chance to ask what the hell they did that for.
"We'll be downstairs!" said Samandriel as he and Gabriel slammed the door behind them.
Castiel frowned at the door, thinking about how great going back to sleep sounded right then.
He tore back the covers to find the shirt safetly hidden under his blanket. They wouldn't have ever known it was there. He sighed with relief, picking it back up and nuzzling it. He stuffed it back under the pillow. Whatever Gabriel and Samandriel had planned was probably harmless. Samandriel was involved and Gabriel would never allow Samandriel to take part in anything the actually took planning, or anything that was an actual prank.
He got out of bed and got dressed.
Walking down the stairs he rubbed his eyes. The house was silent and he took note of it. It was never this quiet unless everyone was gone or something was horribly wrong. But why would everyone just leave without telling him where they were going?
This made him even more suspicious.
What on earth was Gabriel doing...
He got to the bottom of the stairs, looking around for his brothers.
Before he could even look for them however the front door opened. It was Balthazar.
"Cassie!" His face split into a grin, "You're awake! Great! Come with me."
Castiel frowned at him, standing put.
"Oh, c'mon!" He ran forward and grabbed him by the arm, dragging him out the front door and onto the porch, "We don't have time to waste!"
"Gabriel-?"
"He's coming too don't worry. Just come on won't you! We've gotta hurry!"
"For what?" Cas freed his arm and glared at Balthazar, standing on the sidewalk. He saw Aunt Rachels minivan parked in the driveway, vacant of anyone else. Gabriel and Samandriel had completely disappeared.
"It's a surprise," said Balthazar, "just trust me you're gonna love it, Cassie. C'mon I got coffee in the car for you!"
Cas softened a little. He could really go for a coffee.
"Thats it, thats it," said Balthazar as though he were coaxing a cat out of it's hiding place, "c'mon, Castiel I know you love your coffee. It's black just how you like it too. Nice and warm."
Cas rolled his eyes, unable to hide his smile. He followed Balthazar to the car. His cousin gave a whoop of victory when he opened the passenger side door. A coffee cup was waiting for Castiel in the cup holder.
"Alright now lets go!" Balthazar said, putting the van in reverse.
As Cas sipped the coffee he wondered if this was all a dream. Everything was so jumbled and random it had to be. But this coffee was tasting all too real, and Balthazar seemed real too. He knew his family was nuts but this was little much. Even for them.
He wanted to ask Balthazar what all the rush was about and where they were going, but he already knew that he wasn't ever going to get an answer. Not until they got to wherever the surprise was.
Balthazar drove to an empty lot in town. He pulled in through the dirt path paved away by past cars that have driven through it, and parked in the grass. Nothing was here as far as Castiel could see. He turned to his cousin, more confused than ever.
This place was empty. What kind of surprise was this?
"Don't recognize this place?" asked Balthazar.
Cas shook his head, still squinting.
He looked around it again. Still nothing. This place had no meaning to him.
Balthazar unbuckled his seat belt and slid out of the car. Cas did the same.
"It'll come to you. C'mon."
They walked around for a while, through long green grass and patches of dirt and gravel. No memories of this place were coming back to Castiel, no matter how far back he searched his mind. This place did not seem familiar at all.
"Where is Gabriel?" he asked finally.
Balthazar shrugged, "He'll be around here in a few."
His cellphone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out to look at the message. As he typed back a response he told Cas, "Lets go over here."
He followed Balthazar again, keeping a close watch out for Gabriel. He was starting to think maybe he was going to jump out and scare him somehow. That was probably it. He and Balthazar were going to go back into the pranking game and take Samandriel under their wing with it. Typical.
"You sure you don't remember this place?" asked Balthazar.
Cas rolled his shoulders in response.
"You probably don't recognize it," he said, "without all the equipment set up."
Equipment?
Cas stopped and spun around in a circle, looking the lot over once again.
"Wait..." he said.
"Yeah?"
"Is this...the fair grounds?"
"Ding ding ding!" cheered Balthazar enthusiastically, "We've got a winner! And your prize is just over here! C'mon!"
Balthazar went to run ahead and lead him to whatever 'prize' Cas had 'won'. But Cas stayed in his spot, puzzled.
"Why did you bring me here?" he asked.
"You'll find out just c'mon-"
Balthazar was interrupted when a new voice echoed around the lot. But it wasn't exactly new. Cas knew this voice. It was all kinds of familiar to him. This was the voice that whispered promises and sweet nothings into his ear, the voice that sent butterflies wild in his stomach. The voice that he heard singing along to mullet rock in an Impala and the voice that he heard laughing over a staticy cellphone.
This voice sent a piercing white knife right through his heart.
"Benny why don't you just tell me already?" he said.
"Do you not know what the definition of surprise is, asshat?" said Benny.
"Dean?" Cas breathed, "Dean and Benny-what are they-? Balthazar?"
He turned to his cousin who just looked guilty.
"Is that Balthazar?" said Dean.
They were still a bit of a ways away, and Dean had to shield the sunlight from his eyes in order to see properly. Cas could hardly see him, but he could tell that Benny was wearing the same "oh shit" face as Balthazar was. As though this was't their plan all along.
"What the hell is Balthazar doing here?" Dean kept walking towards him. "'Zar! Hey Balthazar what are you-"
He stopped.
When he saw Dean his heart jumped.
He had grown out his beard some, enough that he could see the ginger hair on his face. His eyes looked tired and sad. Like he hadn't slept right in a while.
Cas' chest was filled with an overwhelming flow of warmth, but that was immediately taken away when he realized that this was the surprise. And Dean hadn't been brought here by his own consent either.
He could tell this was the case because as soon as they laid eyes on each other Deans face fell with shock. He almost looked like he was about to cry.
He was angry Balthazar had arranged this when he clearly told him that he didn't want to see Dean again before they left.
"Oh, fuck," said Dean at once, "Benny, what the hell?!"
He took the words right from his mouth.
