~Tuesday: Seven of Clubs~

I sit by myself as the sun rises that morning, thinking sweet nothings and tracing my relations with my friends and my family. I have some advice for you: date someone like Bryce.

Date someone who buys you chocolate when you're having a bad day even though everyone in the District is poor. Date someone who makes you take the gift every time because they want you to eat it and be happier.

Date someone who fdoesn't mind you interrupting cuddle time to put on or take off a binder. Date someone who will call you his handsome boyfriend even if you leave the house wearing a dress.

Date someone who will ask what pronouns you prefer every day, and at random times to make sure they haven't changed.

Date someone who makes you feel comfortable with who you are, even if you have no idea what pronouns you want.

Date someone who will cuddle the shit out of you when you're on your period. Date someone who will let you choose to be the big spoon or the little spoon. Date someone who doesn't get angry when you intentionally play little spoon just to arouse them.

Date someone who makes you feel like a prince or a princess, or royalty in general, whatever you want.

Date someone you can lay with and talk for hours and hours.

Date someone who gives you massages after a long day, who will stay awake with you after a nightmares, who lets you know often that you're loved.

Date someone like Bryce.

I stare at my dirty, crusty hands, considering I used my last weapon to kill Dream from District 1. It's another big competitor taken out, even if it left me defenseless. At least I still have both my hands. I won't be giving up without a huge hand-to-hand fight.

Maybe I was crazy for attacking, but these Games have to move along somehow. I have to get home. Isn't that why I abandoned Dawson and Krissa, leaving them? They're both dead now, Tia is dead now, everyone around me is dead, even if they're not dead. I know I'm dead.

If these Games aren't going to move themselves along, we have two choices. Either we move them along, or Solitaire will move them along. The next five deaths are inevitable, and anything anyone does to try and stop them will only be delaying them, if they're lucky.

My mindset is that the deaths are inevitable, and someone has to have blood on their hands. If having some blood on my hands is what it takes to get to my family and friends, then so it shall be. I have to make it back to Bryce and Abner and Hasley. I can deal with the moral consequences later. Bryce can help me with them. I have a support group at home that wants me home no matter what I have to go through.

At this point, it doesn't matter to me that I talked to any of these tributes. It doesn't matter that Pontifex and Janie spared me when the Arena was covered in electric goop. It doesn't matter that Gio was the outcast at training, it doesn't matter that Atticus and I had a conversation about stubble back at chariots.

Chariots.

I laugh to myself, though the people watching will have no idea what about.

It seems like years since chariots. The memory of kissing Bryce goodbye seems like it was forever ago. The memories of being young and having parents and smiling and playing and laughing seem like ten eternities ago.

The reapings, the chariot rides, less than four weeks ago, and they feel like five years ago. From being in this Arena I've been sapped of all my pleasant memories, and my good memories and love are my life force. It takes everything in me to hold on to them, even when I'm surrounded by death and horror and darkness.

As the sun rise, I try to let my happy memories fill my head. I twist the necklace around my neck, messing with the small charm in my fingers, my mind wandering to Bryce.

I have to get home. I just have to get home.

I have to get home before my own weakness destroys me. I have to get home before I lose all the memories of my friends and family and how they make me feel.

I have to get home before I forget completely what I have to return to. If I forget that, I'm doomed. Because we all know that the desire to survive for myself is only decreasing day-to-day. But, the thing that's going to help me win is that the desire to keep myself alive for the sake of Bryce, and Abner and Hasley keeps on going up and up every day.

I stare at the sky, but all I can think of is watching the sun set with Dawson, in all its glory.

"The sunset is really pretty here," he said quietly. I didn't want to talk to him, or get to know him.

"Sure."

"With all those colors." There was a slight pause. "I love color. I couldn't live without color."

Even though I didn't ever want to get to know him, I feel like I got to know too much about him in the short time I spent allying with him.

I watch the colors go and try to distract myself by trying to figure out my preferred pronouns. But it seems that even that is getting harder and harder as the days go on and on. I guess that as the days tick by I lose all sense of my own self-identity, which is slightly horrifying to me. If I don't know who I am and what I stand for, will I ever find myself again?

Of course I will. As I said, I have a support group. That's something that Pontifex and Tristabelle and Atticus don't have, in the long run, it's my one big advantage over every other tribute here.

I have to get home to them. I have so much riding on it, I have to get home.

Even if it means getting desperate.

~Gio: Joker~

The sun rises, after exactly 50 circles in the sand.

I reach over and wake up Atty, who is curled up in a ball, snorting. He really is an ugly sleeper, I think, but at this point I think we're all trash. I really don't care.

Atty's piercing eyes open and look around, as if he's not really sure where he is.

"Good morning," I say, bringing him back to reality. The underlying message of the statement is I'm sorry I had to bring you back here. "How'd you sleep?"

"Fine," he says. When he yawns, I see his big canine teeth and remember that I'm allied with a werewolf! I wonder if the full moon is coming soon, and if so I wonder if he'll finally transform and get us out of here.

"Good." I know it's getting harder and harder for him each day. It's getting harder and harder to keep going with each coming day.

"Come on, let's get some breakfast." He sits up, sliding a knife out of his belt. I follow him, chewing on my lip nervously. Every day I get more and more antsy.

What if Atty dies today? What if I die today? What if this is my last day on earth and I wouldn't even know it? What if that was my last sunrise!? FUCK I didn't take the time to enjoy it! What if this is the last opportunity to tell Atty how much his help has meant to me!? What if-

A surprised rat squeaks as it's killed for our breakfast. Atty collects the corpse. "You alright, kiddo?"

I snap out of it. "Yeah. Fine. Sorry."

He starts to butcher the rat. I look away, not liking to see the bloody corpse. He starts a fire, and I realize how incredibly useless I am to him. I have no purpose still being here, here in the final 6.

I sigh a bit. Atty notices the faraway look in my eyes and hands me a small piece of meat, looking concerned. "You okay? What's bothering you?" It's amazing how these Games have made him so much more… Aware of emotions. I remember all the way back when Ori was crying from a nightmare and Atty didn't know what to do.

Now, he sits with me, staring into the consistent, crackling fire. I think he finally understands that you don't have to constantly be doing something or saying something to someone else to help them when they're upset. Just being there is enough sometimes.

I sigh quietly, leaning on his shoulder, watching the fire flicker. Small tears fill my eyes, thinking about Ori and Juli, but soon the emotions are clouded into nothing but a haze of numbness.

I don't cry. I just stare into the fire, wishing I had the emotional energy to cry for them, to feel anything except for the ache of distant misery and pain.

Just feeling Atty breathe, being supported by his stable shoulder, being able to stay there for a while and stare into the fire, gives me a sense of peace. It's very rare that I use that word, especially here, but that's the only word I can use to describe how I feel. Then I remember that soon, in a matter of just days, one of us will be dead. Maybe both of us.

I know I can't think that way, but it's totally possible. As much as Atty says it's not possible, it's possible. I know I'll be dead for sure, whether Atty will be dead or alive is questionable.

"You can't give up, Kiddo," he says quietly, as if seeing the look in my eyes. "I know it's tempting, but you can't give up."

"There's no point anymore," I say, my voice higher-pitched and scared, like a child's. "I was never going to win. I shouldn't even be here right now. I should already be dead."

"But you're here."

"Woo hoo," I say flatly.

"You're here, and that should mean something. It means that you're doing something right."

"Yeah, allying with you. You've done everything for me. I haven't done anything to prove my worth."

"Sure you have. You got a sword from the Cornucopia on the first day, remember?"

"That was pure luck."

"It was pure luck that I killed Empress. You still did it."

"Fine. That was one thing. Compared to so many others-"

"You kept the alliance together, Gio."

"No I didn't."

"Yes, you did. Ori, I loved the guy, really I did, but he and I weren't perfectly in-sync all the time. Our… skirmishes, for lack of a better word… developed from a difference of Games morals. He… was more sentimental, I'm more practical. Somehow you were the best balance of both. You were able to hold our little team together through the stress and death of the Games. That's something, is it not?"

"Yeah, but-"

"So don't say you've done nothing. If Ori and I would've had an argument and the alliance would've fallen apart, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. Both of us would have blamed ourselves. We would've been lonely, isolated. Maybe even… Self-destructive. Gio, you held us together. I think that if Ori were here right now, he'd agree with me 100 percent. And I'd say that took more strength than any stupid thing I've ever done with a knife. It's just a different kind of strength."

His words get to me. They hit me right in the heart, like a sudden but very vibrant burst of pain and colors. Tears push out of my eyes and I let out a sob. I cry, I cry for Ori, I cry for Juli, I cry for everyone that's been lost. Atty tenses up at the sounds of my squeaking and sobbing, but he doesn't shy away. I have to be sure he knows that just being here really is enough.

I'm not able to let out all the emotions before I'm thrown toward the fire by a surprisingly heavy weight, just narrowly avoiding combusting and rolling on the ground.

"I HAVE TO GET HOME!" shouts a shaking voice. Atty is up in a second as fingers press into my throat, causing me to struggle to breathe.

The suffering doesn't last very long before Tuesday's blue eyes widen in shock and I feel warm blood that isn't mine seep onto my shirt and a very heavy weight falls on me.

A cannon booms as Atty forcefully unwraps Tuesday's fingers from my neck and recklessly throws the body off of me. I feel his strong take mine tightly and help me up. He's sturdy, steady, and he killed Tuesday soon enough that I'm soon back on my feet, able to breathe and see clearly again.

"Are you alright?" He asks. I dry my wet cheeks with a hand and put my brave face back on.

"Yes, I'm fine." I'm in the final 5.

.

That night, Tuesday's face appears in the sky, blue eyes sparkling with determination, soft lips up in a confident smile.

"You know I had to do it, right?" Atty asks.

Even when the Capitol seal disappears and the stars are left to shine down on us, I don't break my gaze from the sky.

"I know," I say quietly. "Thanks. I would've died."

"That's what allies are for. I keep you from dying, you keep me sane." I laugh a little bit. "I'm not kidding, Gio. If I lost you, I would never win the Games because I would destroy myself."

"You have more hope than I do."

"I don't."

I stop arguing. We sit in silence, watching the stars. I know I can't give up, but it's hard.

I turn the seashell around in my hands. One, two, three… I impulsively keep a counter as I examine the last thing Ori gave us. I feel the charm from his token in my hands. If I were to win, which is highly unlikely, but… Possible… I would give this back to his family and friends back home who actually deserve to have it. The last memory of him… Atty fiddles with his watch, but doesn't open it.

Finally, Atty yawns. "If you're not going to sleep, I will."

"Night," I say weakly. Atty closes his eyes and drifts off to a calm, peaceful sleep.

And I'm left awake. It's not long before I'm making circles in the sand.

I definitely heard something! It's probably just my imagination… But I should definitely check. Just in case. Another circle in the sand.

As I sit, my mind wanders to how incredibly imperfect I am. I glance at my hands. One is still fully functional, the other tightly wound in bandages, trying to let me forget the fact that I only have 9 fingers now.

I'm unbalanced and uneven, imperfect, no matter what happens I will always be missing a ring finger.

I make another circle in the sand, just in case.

I wiggle the single ring finger I have left, my stomach feeling unsettled at the fact that I don't have one on the other side. Uneven. Unbalanced. Imperfect.

It bothers me.

I make another circle in the sand.

It really bothers me.

I make another circle, just in case.

Now my nine fingers are the only things I can think about, the fact that I will never have ten, the fact that I will forever be lop-sided.

I make another, hurried circle, and then another slower circle to make sure I didn't miss anything.

Suddenly, I start to jitter, I can't focus on anything but the fact that I'm missing a finger, the fact that all I want is to be even again!

I make another quick circle, and another slower one, and then I take the sword left for me while I'm on watch. I know it's horrid of me, but I can't help it. I have to be even!

I hold the bottom of the blade to my ring finger, clenching my teeth, when suddenly a hand grabs my wrist and I let out a small scream.

"Gio, relax. Gio, it's me. Gio." Tears exit my eyes, heart pounding, trying to recognize his face again as a friend, before I finally slump down.

"Don't." His eyes express everything. Hurt that I would even think of doing something like this, frustration that I'm going to injure myself, exhaustion, misery, disappointment in me… I can't hold eye contact. I let out a small sob and stare at the ground, anything to break the piercing stare they have.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, "I'm just uneven and I don't like it."

"Get some sleep Gio. I'll stay awake."

I shake my head, sniffling, trying to get a handle on my tears. "I haven't done enough circles yet."

"Gio."

"I haven't done enough circles yet!" I retort quickly. "I'll wake you up once I've done fifty circles."

He looks conflicted before he puts his watch in my hands, and hesitantly goes back to sleep.

I watch the seconds tick away as the tears come out of my eyes. I make a circle every thirty seconds, and getting into a routine, listening to the small, constant ticking of the second hand, counting the time, checking for threats to the camp, brings some kind of stability back. I can't believe I almost forced Abri to watch me going through that horrible pain a second time. Well, part of me believes it. After all, I'm horribly destructive when I'm bothered about something. But the other part, as her older brother, was hoping that I would be stronger than that.

I watch the second hand tick away the time, feeling regret and embarrassment, and most of all, misery. I want the Games to be over, but I don't want Atty to die and I don't want to die either. I don't want any more cannons. I want to be saved from this horrible place.

When I'm on my 49th circle, Atticus starts to twitch in his sleep, making small gasping noises, sweating, whimpering, and I know he's trapped in a nightmare. As soon as I'm done with round 50, I shake him awake. He jolts up with a small scream, which I quickly try to shush.

"Atty. Atty!" His eyes are distant. "Atty, it's Gio. You're in the Arena, remember? The 36th Games arena? I'm your ally. Atty?" Sometimes he needs that to come back to reality from his nightmares. Atty has some of the most intense nightmares I've ever seen in my whole life. I wish he'd tell me what happened in his life that he has nobody and has such traumatic memories as those.

"K-Kiddo…" he gasps out, sweating, looking pained and much older than 18 from pure exhaustion.

"That's right. It's me. Just me. You're okay." He pauses, his breathing going back to normal, his eyes gaining more of their clarity.

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault. Do you want to talk about it?"

He swallows hard and shakes his head. His voice is low and shaking when he speaks. "No… Y-you get some sleep Kiddo."

"Alright," I say softly, pressing the pocket watch back into his palm.

I curl up and soon realize I'm absolutely exhausted, soon drifting off into a dark, dreamless sleep before I can revisit the horrors of the night and the day.

I'm in the final 5.

A/N: Hope you liked the chapter! Next chapter is going to be a lot more intense, though, I'll tell you that. R.I.P. Tuesday. Just as a reminder to readers, he was using he/him pronouns, so please be sensitive to that in your reviews :)

If you like submitting to awesome SYOTs, check out the ones on my profile! I'm particularly advertising The Awesome Novice Writer's The Price We Pay (good updates, and often!), and my friend epictomguy is rewriting a SYOT so if you're interested send him a PM asking what you can do.

MY SYOT, Silhouettes, still has mentor spots open, and if you want to be on the waiting list in case a tribute spot were to open up, let me know. I'm still surprised how quickly it filled up! By reading that story and reviewing, you can get even more points for this story and for my next partial SYOT, 42. I know, I have a lot of projects on my plate, whatever.

Poll still on my profile. Still update my Tumblr every once in a while with 36 stuff. I think that's all I've got to say. Merry Christmas, if I don't update again before then, and the very best of luck to you on all your midterms/finals!

Chapter Question: In the spirit of the holidays, give me a cute holiday headcanon for 36 characters! (More than one will get bonus points. Also, if they're cute enough to make me smile and giggle [or heartbreaking enough to make me laugh evilly] then they'll get bonus points too.)

Scores:

AbbyCorabby123: 10

A-Bookworm-Named-Steph: 26

Beauty. Is. Strange: 61

Blonde4ever: 62

Coolgal02: 61

CrissKenobie-the-Numenorean: 31

Dreamer: 227

dreams and desperation: 36

elisa. anya: 5

Emrys Holmes: 46

epictomguy: 34

fat necrosis: 22

falyn. oliver: 43

hopefuldreamer1991: 121

Ibbonray: 35

Jalen Kun: 2

Jess: 251

Josephm611: 32

Kate: 193

Xx-Katerina-xX: 16

Kyoko Rose: 26

Lady Lysa Arryn: 77

LokiThisIsMadness: 16

magicharity: 163

Medium-Indigo (Guest): 60

Music Rules The World: 4

Mystical Pine Forest: 20

nevergone4ever: 2

xxPeppermintxx109: 31

Programming: 7

xQueen-of-Applesx: 40

rising-balloons: 75

Rosemarie Benson: 12

santiago. poncini20: 31

Seahorse8: 12

seaotter99: 22

Sinfonian Legend: 275

superneet1214: 6

Skyflapple: 11

ThisWorldWeHate: 17

We're All Okay: 31

W. R. Winters: 36