Chapter Summary: Edward and Jacob develop their own way of showing Bella how much she means to them, bloodsucker and mongrel respectively, and the wolf pack contemplates making major adjustments to their already complicated lifestyle for the battle with Victoria. The fight is sure to have only one winner.
*Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight and I am glad that SM woke up from her dream, to share Jacob Black with the rest of world.
Chapter XXIX Title: 'Awake,' by Dashboard Confessional
"He's ashamed of me. He's really mortified that I am what I am; that I am like you. 'There is no honor in what you are, Leah.' That's what he said." Leah Clearwater was shaking against Sam, naked. She had been able to phase back moments ago and now we all surrounded her. Vampires and her pack mates, alike.
I was pulling on Edward's dirty sleeve while Jacob shifted his weight from side to side, looking uncomfortable and ready to fall. I glanced at him, but he kept his jaw and eyes straight in Leah's direction. I started to reach for him, but Edward put his cool lips to my head.
"Leave him. He might get angry again no matter what you say to him," he murmured into my clammy skin.
I nodded, holding back my tears. I pressed my fingers into my palms and tried to think of anything else besides feeling Jacob's hands on my hips again or seeing his smile as he whispered his love for me in my ears. I felt the back of my neck and breathed sharply again, tensing up.
How could he have marked me? How could he have done this to me without asking me first?
Edward noticed that my hand moved diligently back and forth on the back of my neck and his hand touched my arm. "He did it out of love. He really is very taken to you; it's a sign of affection among the pack."
I grumbled, "I'm not another mutt for him to brand. He makes me so mad—"
"He didn't feel like he had a choice. I saw it in his mind."
I looked at Edward's painful smile. "You agree?"
He shook his head sadly. "No, but I understand. You are really quite remarkable, Bella. First, you make a vampire fall in love with you and now a young werewolf? Personally I would have chosen more carefully with the latter, but you are lethal."
I rolled my eyes and concentrated on Leah, who was still sobbing. Her father, Harry had come home from the hospital finally and had started an argument with the elders about her, feeling shame that it was decided that she would run with Sam's pack. It was a less than ideal circumstance since Sam and Leah had once been together. It was originally thought that only male descendants of Taha Aki could shift into wolves; Leah was the first female to have ever phased. My heart broke as she relayed her relatively short story to the rest of us. She was not big on talking.
Seth tried to get closer to her, but she had screamed at him, not wanting him to see her naked though Sam had somewhat covered her with Jared's shirt.
"I had to help. I had to show the Elders and my father that I was not a mistake," she continued to insist, her voice breaking as she did. "I'm not a freak. I am one of you! I am just like you guys! I want to help protect our lands too. I want to fight those leeches!" None of the vampires grimaced when Leah used the term as she did.
"We'd certainly love to include you, Ms. Clearwater," Carlisle spoke gently and everyone stared. "She wants to protect her family just as we all do. It's not right to keep her out when she so desperately wants to join in."
Leah nodded eagerly in agreement.
Emmett snickered. "Awesome; Seven dogs and a bitch." Sam actually growled before Esme looked apologetic for Emmett. "What?" Emmett asked, looking innocent. "It's true, right? Did I miscount?"
"Exactly, Emmett. It seems that Sam has more news," Edward spoke suddenly. I watched his lips move, not believing that a phrase so simple could mean so much to me at that moment.
Sam hung his head. "With everything that has been happening, and the increased threat to our lands and family there have been…we now have two more young wolves to help train for the upcoming battle."
The pack members looked around. Jared broke the silence first. "Who?"
"Colin and Brady," Sam's sad voice hummed like a light breeze through our rather large group. The group of boys closed their eyes and I watched Jacob jerk. Some dry blood was still on his body from when Edward had twisted back one of his limbs, but his arm stood unhindered by the obvious pain he must have still been in, physically and mentally. "There might be more, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on the new wolves yet—"
Jacob spoke up. "I'll help train them."
I hadn't heard him speak in such awhile that I found it hard to look away from him. I couldn't believe how torn I was between these two magnificent men. Both were willing to fight so hard for me and protect their loved ones from danger as if they were two perfect idols of war.
"That's very noble, but we don't even know exactly how to begin training them for this fight, let alone the new threat," Sam revealed.
Jasper stepped forward. "I did say that I have expertise in newborns. They are more difficult and more agile, but we can kill them. The vargulf is trickier and requires a bit of sacrifice."
"A sacrifice of what?" Sam's eyes narrowed.
Carlisle smiled in spite of the gravity of the situation. "A small change in diet."
The boys looked confused as did I.
"It's quite simple; wolves have been known to feed off of vegetation during long, hard, and lean weeks of little food. They also eat some vegetation to keep from overhunting in their territory." Carlisle continued on, everyone keeping still and quiet. "They hunt one specific part of their area at a particular time during the month and do not hunt there again till sometime has passed and nature has managed to catch up to replace what was eaten a while before."
Paul looked bored with the short zoology lesson. "So?"
"Didn't your mommy tell you to eat your vegetables?" Emmett kidded. "We're technically vegetarians. "
Paul's temper was evident in his straightened jaw. "Listen leech—"
"Mountain ash. Vargulfs are not immune to the effects of mountain ash," Carlisle interrupted. "It is a plant that grows in Texas. My family and I figured that if the young wolves would eat nothing but this plant from now until battle, it will be ingested into your system, bloodstream, and saliva. There is a significant meaning to the phrase 'you are what you eat.' Then during the fight, if you were able to bite and fend off the vargulf with enough bites, that would bring it down, and weaken it severely enough to kill it. My family and I would also help with fending off the newborns and shooting arrow heads soaked in the remnants of mountain ash."
I looked at my extended family. It sounded simple, but I knew there would be a twist somewhere. I didn't believe it would really be that easy.
"Uh-huh. So we get to play with the big dumb animal while the bloodsuckers get to shoot at it from a faraway distance? Some deal," Jared said bitterly.
Jasper beamed. "In archery, rovers are what they call the targets that the arrows hit. Look on the bright side; we'll be shooting rovers into Rover. That's kind of cool. And trust me; we will have our hands full with the newborns."
"We get some too," Jacob's voice was grave. "At least we'll get to kill some vampires, for a change." His look was murderous as I continued to stare at him.
Sam stood up to help Leah to her feet. "Sounds fine with us. We will start training and eating tomorrow. Jacob and Embry will travel to Texas to bring back some of this plant for us. Everyone is to participate."
"I hate vegetables!" Paul whined.
Sam smirked for the first time in the whole afternoon. "Too bad."
Paul grimaced as he faced Carlisle. "You sure silver bullets don't work on the beast, Dr. Fang?"
I actually chuckled as Paul was slapped on the arm by Jared. Sam didn't bother to answer. My eyes strayed back to Jacob, but he didn't bother to return the look.
Two and ½ months later into the summer and there was no more news or shift from Victoria's plans. Alice was very confident that things were to be the same.
I was less sure.
Edward had come back into my life, which made me overjoyed; however, my feelings for Jacob were not so easy to dismiss. In between my shifts at work and spending time with Edward, I did manage to see Jacob, but he was desperately trying to avoid all contact with me that was outside of staring. During practices with the Cullens, watching me became his favorite hobby, but he would never approach me in his wolf form or as human. Edward stayed close to me most of the time and smiled often enough, except when Jacob would turn his head to look at me.
Edward did find it fascinating though.
"What's he thinking? Is he going to say anything to me?" I asked Edward more than a few times at each practice.
Edward looked at me thoughtfully and rubbed my neck. Jacob's mark had been fading little by little each day and it was now gone, but I still felt my skin blister as if Jacob had only done it moments ago. "No. He won't," Edward answered. "He's giving you space."
"Space?" I repeated. Edward nodded. I felt less at ease.
I felt Edward's cool fingertips on my collarbone as his lips brushed my cheeks. I kept my breath steady as my mouth pressed against his softly and tasted him once more as a content sigh left his mouth. Too into the moment with Edward I had almost forgotten that we were watching the wolves practice and turned at Edward's expression. My eyes fell on Jacob, who had been watching us, but he merely dragged his feet in the nearby mud with his tail between his legs in defeat and regret. Half of my heart fell apart into pieces again.
I slept horribly that night, dreaming of leaving both men in my life as they continued to fight with each other to make me choose just whom I loved more. I couldn't take the pressure and wound up drowning myself in my own blood, which had been viciously provided by Victoria, slitting my wrists open with her teeth. Sweat covered my body and I felt rancid even with Edward's arms holding me, rocking me back to sleep. I had exhausted my thinking of just how I could go on with loving these two very different men and began to cry all over again. Edward tried to soothe me as best he could, but I sobbed even louder as I heard distant howls in the night. His words did nothing to calm my fears afterward.
"Go to him, Bella. Go and see him," Edward's voice begged me and all I could do was shake my head. I wasn't sure if he had actually been really saying it or if I was imagining it. I decided that it didn't matter and I declined the request made of me.
"What will happen if I see him? Did you ask Alice? What did she see? Will we be friends again?"
Edward's smile was tight. "Alice can't see the wolves. It's like the future disappears with them. It might be some kind of defense they have against us."
The next morning, I'd never thought I'd be so happy to run out of tears. Most of them had fallen into my oatmeal. Charlie had already left and Edward had told me that he wouldn't be seeing me that day because he needed to feed. I knew I would be alone in the house for the rest of the day. I threw out what was left in my bowl and glanced at the clock. I didn't work today and I was pretty sure that the wolves wouldn't have training until late that evening. I shrugged a little and watched the morning news for almost an hour before I gave up, showered quickly, put on a clean tee and jeans, jumped into my Chevy, and drove to La Push.
I was positive that I had imagined Edward telling me to go see Jacob, but just in case he changed his mind from last night to this morning, I was going to make use of the empty day. My previous daily doses of Jacob hadn't been enough and we both needed more. If he didn't, then I did.
I tried to keep it in my mind that no matter what Jacob said, I would not hit him. My hand still held painful memories of the last times I had hit him, playful and not so playful, and didn't need the ache of having my heart and fingers broken too. I sat in my moving Chevy, watching the Blacks' house grow closer. It didn't look any different than it had from the beginning of the summer when Jacob and I had been intimate in his room; several times in his room. It didn't even seem weird to be looking at it once more, but I knew that everything had changed. I was with Edward, sort of. We were working on our relationship, sort of. I was truthfully not seeing Edward romantically, but I had had enough fantasies. I even thought of Jacob and Edward together a few times. Fire and ice; Edward to cool off Jacob's heat and Jacob to burn away Edward's chill. It seemed like saying the same thing, but reverse.
I started to knock when Jacob threw open the door. He was barefoot and wearing baggy jean shorts. He looked fine. He looked healthy.
He also looked mad.
"Bloodsucker let you out?" Jacob's tone was malicious.
"I'm glad your manners have improved. Paul teaching mongrel classes on the weekends or do you slip in a few during practice?" The sentence flew out of my mouth in anger, but Jacob was not impressed.
"Nice. Real nice, Isabella."
I forced a small laugh, though I had just insulted him moments ago. "I'm not 'Bella' anymore?"
"What do you want? I just came off patrol and was about to clean off and sleep."
I looked at him and he looked okay. He smelled fresh enough, but I didn't have super senses. "I want to talk to you. It's weird for us not to talk when we've been through so much together."
"Have we now, Isabella? I just thought we were having fun. You know, like pals; like you're the daughter of my father's friend and all that shit. What happened to that?" He ridiculed.
"I just think we should—"
"Did the parasite put you up to this?" he cut in. "I know he did. You would not come here for me on your own. What happened? Did the little pixie leech see us kiss and make up?"
I stared at him, forgetting the insult that I did not care enough about him to visit him of my own accord. "How did you know Alice could see things?"
"How stupid do you think we are, Bella?" Jacob trembled and turned his back to me. His breathing came out more shallow as he started to talk again a few long seconds later. "We don't just practice. We watch you guys too. Your leeches have interesting talents. We can't stand the smell or bear to look at them longer than necessary, but it helps distract us from wanting to kill them…at least for some of the time." Jacob then added more quietly, "And we're learning how to kill them later."
"You're going to hurt the Cullens?" My voice shrieked.
He faced me and smirked, "Wish you would get that upset over the possibility of losing me. And no. We won't kill them; not unless they bite someone. Willing or not." Jacob's eyes stole my gaze and I took a small step back. "That's what I thought."
I shook my head dismissively. "Jake, listen, you are everything to me. You are. And Edward said that you were giving me—us some space and—"
"That's right, I am. I don't believe in being 'dazzling.' I do it the old fashion way; hard work, friendship, and love. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't." He backed away from me, slamming the front door into the wall. He stomped into his room and without knowing what else to do or say, I followed him.
I needed him to understand why I had come. I needed him to know that I still cared about him. I needed to feel him against me like I use to, to know that he would always be there for me and never give up.
Jacob started to take down his pants, becoming completely nude. My eyes widened at his boldness, my skin tingled with excitement, and my breaths were short, but plentiful. I was aroused. I almost felt as if it had been too long. And then I felt ashamed as I forced my eyes to the floor instead. I could feel his eyes on me on him and I still wasn't been able to look at him even as he addressed me. "What's the matter? Does my being naked bother you? Your leech doesn't look like this? Is there a blurb or a censor sign where all of his parts should be?" he scorned.
I shook my head and my eyes teared. I met his eyes then. "What's wrong with you?"
A horrible smile appeared on his face; it twitched as he freely stated, "The girl I love is with a vampire; doesn't get much better than that. And now she is going to leave while I take a shower and then I am going to bed. Does that sound about right?"
My mouth gaped at his off-handed request for me to leave. I nodded slowly and sadly.
"Good." Jacob righted himself, standing taller than I had seen him the entire 2 1/2 months; since Edward's return. "Forgive me if I don't show you out. You seem to like people who leave abruptly."
Jacob sucked in a small breath as he went by me and I held back my impulse to grab him. His burning skin in passing was nothing compared to the words he just spoke. I hated the kind of person he was becoming. I hated that he was no longer my best friend. I even hated that it was my fault, again. I heard the shower turn on, but I couldn't leave. I ran my hand on the bed we once did homework on and (in more recent months) had been together on. I couldn't shake the feeling from my mind. I couldn't doubt my feelings for him. I knew he was the same person. He was just angry. He felt abandoned. He felt as I had when Edward had left me. I touched the scar on the back of my neck. I was sure it was still there and then I began to worry when the scar would fade away completely, physically and from my memory. I didn't want Jacob out of my life. I didn't want him to hurt like I had. Edward had loved me and had come back, even if only for a short while.
But I wanted to stay with Jacob.
I looked around the room for an excuse to stay in his house, to stay in his room. Maybe I should clean. Maybe I can offer to make lunch or dinner. Maybe I could…I saw an object on the chair that Jacob had neglected in his haste to leave.
(JPOV)
My head was still wrapped around the things that I had said to Bella in my room just a few minutes ago. I bit my lower lip as I fingered through my shampooed hair and wished with everything that Bella could still love me too. I knew it was a long shot. It may have even been a silly charade we were playing to stay in each other's lives, but I was in love with her and somehow, she still had to love me too. My nostrils burned from the very light smell of vampire still on her, but it was mostly her scent I smelled. It still lingered. She had showered very recently.
Probably to wash his sweat off her body, I thought coldly. If those parasites even sweat.
Bella, Bella, Bella. It was never enough.
A pained gasp escaped me as I realized she could have been with him. They could have done anything. He was her perfect vision. She had probably been thinking of him while I was the one pleasuring her. I would have kept doing it. I knew it was wrong to mark her as I did, but it wasn't fair. I knew someone else would have tried to take her away from me. I had been worried that it would have been the redheaded parasite to attempt to take her life, but it turned out to be the other leeches to get in my way. The Cullens were more of a threat than that redhead. At least that redhead parasite didn't want to be with her too.
I would never have Bella; never again.
My trembles vibrated against the shower door and I stepped backward to the wall. I was afraid my shaking would cause the glass doors to shatter. I had spent almost two hours putting the door in correctly and I wasn't about to mess it up now. I wiped my short wet hair back from my face and reached out the shower for my towel. I pulled back air. "Great." I then shrugged. I was 108.9 degrees. I would dry off soon enough by air. I drew blood from my lower lip, becoming semi-aroused. My head smacked the glass shower door as I imagined how many times I had made Bella say my name. How many times she had told me she loved me. It didn't mean a damn thing now that the great, white leech was back. I wasn't enough and I never would be.
I shook more water from my hair and then reached for the knobs to turn the water off. I heard the door.
The shower door was covered in condensation, but I could see Bella's small-framed silhouette. I saw her pale skin being covered by a body towel. My mind couldn't believe my eyes even as I peeked around the ajar door and saw her standing there with a shy smile wrapped in the towel she had brought for me, and nothing else.
My mouth dropped a little.
"Hey, I have your towel. If you still want it." She glanced down and blushed as she touched the top of the towel displaying only the very top of her cleavage. A heavy breath fled from my lips as I grabbed her, picking her up off the tile, and placed her gently in front of me in the shower. The water turned a little colder, but I didn't care. I had the perfect way to keep her warm. I kissed her, trying to be as calm as possible as I removed the towel, and felt her bare breast against my upper stomach. I was immediately ready, but I counted backwards from one to twenty as I tried desperately to concentrate on getting her ready for me properly. Small tremors raced through my back as I began to think of that corpse—that filthy bloodsucker on top of my fragile Bella. I wanted to tear into him. I wanted to rip his limbs and molt them with my very skin if I could. I wanted to—
Bella lips touched mine and my senses were lost. My hands slipped behind her and I surrendered my tongue to hers. Her stomach started to heave against me and I cupped one hand around her butt while the other pushed her legs apart. I had had it in my mind to only play with her clit for a few minutes, but as soon as my fingers felt how wet she was, I got it in my mind to taste her. I picked her up, and as her back hit the steamed shower door, I already envisioned being inside of my Bella.
I traced my index finger along the lines of her pink, lower lips to open them. Her clit shrank back from me a little and my tongue went in after it, to coax it back out. My teeth grazed the tiny pearl of muscle, making Bella's small, but perfect chest contract, and weigh my thighs down with ache and longing on the tub's floor. The water continued to slap my back, reminding me of Bella's fingernails scraping my skin instead. My tongue and throat beckoned for her sweet release into my mouth more than anything else in the world. I rubbed her soft, slick lips with mine feeling as if they were one, and applied a little pressure to keep her legs open for me. I gripped and balanced her thighs on my shoulders, confident that I could support all of her weight on top of me. I heard her pant and she tasted surreal.
Her abrupt moan shook her whole body over me and I almost mistook that for my goal; I wanted her to come and I wanted to be the one to do it. That was all I ever wanted to do. I knew suddenly that this moan and tremor was not the one I wanted; Bella's fingers were raking through my short, wet hair too rhythmically. I needed to make Bella seize ahold of me. My cheeks and face wrestled deeper into her thighs; Bella's teeth began to click together and I felt the "victim" of my affection go hard and twitch intermittently in my mouth.
I continued to play "shapes and diagrams" that I had been learning in my summer tech classes my high school junior year on her for only a few minutes more before she clutched my hair and I tasted the change of her on my tongue and face. Nice. I pushed my head further and tried to swallow every last drop.
"Bella," I rasped as I continued to kiss her lower mouth. "My beautiful, Bella."
"Jake—Jacob, I want it. I want you so much—I—OH!"
I pressed my mouth to hers, dropping her a few inches by moving so quickly. I caught her, in spite of my excitement. My hands pressed into her thighs as I held her open, and our lips touched, arriving at the same time my hips and hardness reached inside of her again. Her hurried breath rushed into me and her hands grabbed my waist as I pushed forward as slowly as I could, half hoping that she was wet enough so that it wouldn't hurt and the other half hoping that she was still tight because no one had loved her since me. No one could love her except me. I almost had tears in my eyes from the anticipation.
Please be my angel, Bella. Please still be my angel.
My head was thrown back as I reached her though Bella pulled on my bottom lip. God, she was tight.
She was tight?
My teeth clenched together as a pained moan escaped her lips and the tears ran down my face. She was still mine. She was still just for me. Oh God, my Bella was still mine! I tried to concentrate again on just feeling her and my body reacted badly; I felt myself harden and lengthen even more before I was able to fit half of myself into her. One of Bella's hands flew behind her and slammed the shower door. I winced at the sound and looked quickly to make sure she hadn't broken her hand or the door, but she was fine…sort of.
She bounced gently against me trying to help, but I was too excited. I wasn't fitting. "Calm down, Jake. Calm down." My mental voice was screaming at me to relax. It was telling me that I was hurting her. It was telling me that if I didn't calm down, I was going to really injure her and then I really would not be able to love her as I intended. I was trying. I squeezed my eyes shut to get the pained, but ecstatic look of joy on her face as she was feeling me just as I was feeling her, but all I could think about was how she had waited. How she really had loved me. I was the last person she had been with; how much I wanted to continue to be the last person.
"Jake…" Her hushed moan cut through my thoughts. I slowed down this time and just enjoyed the feeling of her hips on mine. How her legs were being kept elevated by my strong arms. How her hands were placed intimately around my waist as her head lulled back and forth between my shoulders and the shower door.
That was all I needed. It calmed me down. My size held steady, but I focused on getting her more wet for me.
"My 'hìtk,' you have to help me a little," I whispered into her earlobe.
I prayed that she had remembered my nickname for her from all those months ago; a small hint of recognition passed over her face. She was barely able to nod as she moved her arms from my waist to around my neck. She pressed her nipples into me as she gave me a deep kiss and I forced my way into her a bit more. She bit my tongue from the shock, but a pleasurable groan flew out of her mouth into mine. I could taste the tears on her face and feel the sweat on her brow. I tightened my grip, afraid that she would completely fall out of my arms as she readjusted herself and placed one of her own hands back just below my belly button.
She was trying to slow me down. I hurried to obey her and stopped thrusting almost completely. She quivered and I tried to plead with myself to not grow any larger when I felt her walls suddenly contract. She gave a shudder as her orgasm took the rest of her composure, dug her one hand into my neck, and I pushed the rest of myself in quickly before her body could close back up again.
Bella's mouth locked back around my lips as I slowly increased my speed, now completely uninhibited by hurting her. She was wet. She was here with me. She was mine. I felt the water hit my back, but I only cared about Bella in my front. A few tears left her eyes every so often, but she ushered me to keep going.
Her lips curved into another smile for me. My angel was smiling for me. "I want you to come. You're going to come inside of me."
I smiled back at her. "I'm going to make you come for me again first," I whispered back. I went as slowed as I dared. I didn't want to rush the moment. I didn't want to risk losing her. I wanted to see every second of her. Her legs flinched against my arms and I gave her a cocky grin. I meant what I said. She was going to come for me again. I took longer strides and watched her stomach. I wished that I could put my hands around her, but her legs…I wanted to keep this position. She had to keep her eyes on me at all times. I had to see exactly what I was doing to her. She bit her lips and touched my face with both of her hands.
"I love you, Jacob."
I lost my composure. "Shit!" My thrusts quickened in speed as a moan escaped her and I felt her quiver slightly as another orgasm released itself from her, and then she jolted again as the impact of mine filling her a mere second after. I stepped back slightly. My head hit the shower wall as I continued to clutch her to me and I felt small cracks in the tile through my hair. I would have to fix that before my Dad came back home.
I mentally slapped myself. I had been trying to achieve a bigger reaction from her, but I had lost it as she re-confessed her love for me. Well, we could always try again.
My lips turned into an evil smile as she gave me small kisses along my throat, chin, and then moved to my lips. "Mmmhhmm. I should tell you I love you more often," she stated, giving me her own wicked grin.
I reached behind me to turn off the water completely now. It was freezing, but neither of us noticed. I grabbed the towel off the floor, wrapped her in it, and picked her up to carry her over the bathroom threshold toward my bedroom.
"Jake—Jacob, what are you doing?" She squealed in delight.
"I'm not finished with you yet."
Her pale body lay sprawled across my full bed and I made it my duty to rechristen every part of it with her again, and again, and again.
*A/N: I know some of you hate Bella, and I'm sorry that you do. I am sticking very close to Bella's original cannon for my own sick mind. I am not doing it to piss anyone off; I am just writing a story to share with every one else. Forgive her and forgive me, along with my stubborn imagination. :-)
