Estelle pt.29

Hello, hope you are having a good day.

Freya and Arthur kneeled next to Merlin.

"How do you feel?" Freya asked.

"Not good. My legs are numb again. These attacks are getting worse." Merlin panted.

"Arthur, help me get him to bed."

Arthur helped Freya get Merlin to bed. Merlin laid down on the bed and tried to rest.

"How do you feel?" Freya wondered.

"My legs are still a little numb but other than that I feel fine." Merlin replied. Freya and Merlin kissed.

"Go to sleep."

"I will."

Merlin put his hand on Freya's stomach.

"I wish we could have another baby." Merlin sighed.

"I know. Me too but we both know it will never happen. Samuel was a miracle." Freya answered. Freya left the room and Merlin sighed. He rolled over and went to sleep. Freya went to the kitchen. Gwen could see the tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" Gwen asked.

"Nothing."

Freya looked away and wiped away the tears. Gwen stood in front of her.

"Freya, you're crying. What's wrong?" Gwen wondered.

"For years Merlin and I have been trying to conceive. We both desperately want another child but it hasn't happened. Three years ago, I was told that I would never be a mother. They said that Samuel was a miracle baby. Merlin and I cried for days. Sometimes I feel like he's gotten over it and that he wants me to but I can't." Freya explained. The two hugged.

"I understand, Freya. You should grieve. It will never be easy but I'll be here for you."

"Thank you. We should get back to work."

They got back to work. An hour before everyone arrived, Freya went to wake Merlin.

"Merlin, everyone will be here soon. You should get ready." Freya whispered. Merlin sat up and nodded. Then he grabbed Freya and pulled her into a hug.

"I think I'm going to cuddle with you for a bit." Merlin moaned. Freya smiled and the two kissed.

"You need to get up."

"Fine."

Merlin got up and got ready. Slowly kids started to arrive. Merlin would greet them at the door. When it was time to start, Merlin stood up.

"We have games set out on the floor and there are snacks in the fitchen on the table. Plates, napkins, and silverware are next to the food. The drinks are on the countertop with cups. Please write your names on them." Merlin said. They prayed for the food and then all grabbed a few snacks. Arthur stood behind Merlin and would hit Merlin in the bed with the paper plate. Merlin would turn around and hit Arthur in the head. After a minute, Freya stopped them.

"Boys, please stop and act your age." Freya said.

"Yes, ma'am."

Soon everyone was in the living room playing games and talking. Arthur, Elyan, and Gwen learned how to play the games and got to learn about the kids. Everyone had fun. Gwen was talking to Estelle.

"I bet everyone here has become a second family for you." Gwen said.

"Yes, they have. Most of them are more than friends." Estelle sighed.

"Your mother told me about what happened a few years back."

"It was devastating for all of us. Mum and dad wanted more children so bad. Then they were told by a very rude doctor that they might as well forget it. That it would never happen. They would never have any children. She said that Samuel's birth was an impossibility and that he was a miracle. When they came home, they told us and then went to their room to grieve. For a few days, they just stayed in bed and grieved. Then dad started reading his bible again and praying. He would hold mum as she cried in his arms ad he would do all he could for her. Whenever he saw her, he would go up to her and hug her but now it's at the point that now when he hugs her, she doesn't relax or anything. He worries about her. She use to have him hold her whenever they had time but now she pushes him away when he wants to hold her. Now, everytime she pushes him away, he reads a few verses and prays for her. He tries to help whenever he can but she wants to stay busy."

"She feels like he's over it. That he's either denied it ever happening or accepted it."

"He's not over it. That's why he wants to hold her. He knows that she isn't over it and never will be and he wants to be with her. He wants to grieve with her but she doesn't want to grieve with him."

"I hope those two talk."

"He knows that she's upset. Maybe you should tell Merlin what she told you."

"Maybe I should."

Gwen went over to Merlin.

"Merlin, what did you say to Freya that made her upset?" Gwen asked.

"I told her that I wished that we could have another baby. She almost completely pushed me away. I know she cried on your shoulder and I'm glad she did. I just wish that she would cry on my shoulder." Merlin sighed.

"Maybe you should talk to her."

"I will."

Gwen walked away. Merlin looked over at Freya and saw her talking to a few girls and playing a game. He saw that the smile on her face wasn't as pure as it use to be. He knew that deep down, she was hurting. That night, when all the kids had left, Freya was in the kitchen cleaning up while everyone else cleaned up the rest of the house. Merlin went in and wrapped his arms around Freya. Freya didn't respond.

"Freya, let me help you. You've worked all day." Merlin sighed.

"No, I can do it." Freya answered.

"Go sit down for a few minutes at least."

"I should go put Samuel in bed."

Freya walked out of the room. Merlin sighed and grabbed the back of a chair and closed his eyes.

"God, please help her to be free of this pain." Merlin whispered. Then he went over to the sink and cleaned the dishes. When Freya came in, she went to Merlin and tried to help.

"I can finish it up." Freya sighed.

"I've got it. Is Samuel asleep?"

"He's almost asleep. They've finished cleaning up out there. They want to play a game with us. You can play with them."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to go read."

"Then I'll read with you."

"No, you should play with them."

"Only if you play."

"I don't want to."

"And I want to do what you're doing. Besides, I just finished cleaning all the dishes and the kitchen so there's nothing you need to do except go sit down."

"If I play one game, will you let me go read?"

"Maybe."

"Fine."

Merlin and Freya played a game with Arthur, Gwen, Elyan, and Estelle. After the game, they were talked.

"About another round?" Arthur asked.

"Not me. I'm going to go to bed." Freya answered. She rushed out of the room. Merlin sighed and watched her.

"I have a few things I need to do. Then I'm going to go to bed. You guys can play another round." Merlin explained. Merlin got up and went to the bedroom. Freya was in her room sitting on the bed. She pulled out her notebook and bible. She opened them up and started reading her bible. Then Merlin knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Merlin went in and saw her reading.

"I came to see if you needed me to do anything for you." Merlin said.

"No, I'm fine. I'm almost done. Then I'll go to sleep. You can go back out and play another game with them." Freya replied.

"I think I'll go take a shower."

"Ok."

Merlin went to the bathroom and took a shower. When he came out, he saw that Freya was in bed sleeping. He went to her and kissed her forehead. He saw that she had been crying.

"Have you been crying?" Merlin asked.

"No. I just had something in my eye." Freya mumbled.

"Did you get it out?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I'm going to close the windows and then I'll come back."

Merlin kissed Freya's nose.

"I love you." Merlin whispered. Freya didn't answer. Merlin sighed and left the room. When he was done, Freya cried. Merlin closed all the windows and saw that everyone was still in the living room. "You guys should go to bed. We have church tomorrow."

"We will." Arthur replied. Merlin went back to his room. When he got to the door, he knocked before he went in. He could hear Freya try to stop crying. he laid down on the bed and tried to hug Freya but she wouldn't let him. He got under the blankets and kissed Freya's shoulder.

"I love you, Freya."

"I love you." Freya mumbled. Merlin knew that she was crying silently.

"Are you mad at me?" Merlin asked.

"No."

"Are you upset with me?"

"No."

"Then why are you upset?"

"I'm just tired."

"DO you want to stay home tomorrow?"

"No, I'm fine. Besides, you have to go."

"The kids are just going through the book of Matthew with their leaders and Estelle can drive. She'll understand."

"No, I'm fine."

"I know you're crying. I know that what I said today upset you."

"You didn't upset me."

"Freya when I said that I wished we could have more children, you acted as though you had accepted it and that you were upset with me saying that. Then when I tried to hold you, you practically pushed me away. Gwen told me that you had cried on her shoulder. Freya, I want to help you. I know that you are still griving ovver what the doctor had said."

"Well, you seem to be over it."

"But I'm not. I still cry but I'm praying and I'm trusting God. Every time you push me away or get upset, I would read my bible and pray for you."

"I've been trusting God too."

"I know you are. I know you're trying to find answers but I felt God telling me that he had a plan and that it would blow us away."

"When did he tell you that?"

"When I was in the kitchen cleaning. You were putting Samuel in bed."

"I wish he would tell me that."

"Maybe he has. Maybe he's trying to but you're bitter and angry at him."

"I'm not bitter and I'm not angry." Freya stated. Merlin sighed and rubbed Freya's back.

"Can you look at me? Please." Merlin asked. Freya rolled over and looked at Merlin. Merlin sat up and took her hand in his. He played with the ring on her finger. "When I married you, I vowed to love you and hold you no matter what. I vowed that I would do anything for you and make sure that you were happy and free of any burden. Please, let me help you."

"It's nothing."

"Yes, it is and I want to know. Seeing you like this is literally killing me, Freya."

"I just feel like you expect me to get over this."

"No, I knew that this would be hard and that it would take time for you to accept it."

"But didn't think it would be this long."

"No, I knew that it would be years. Heck, I thought that it would be nearly a century before you accepted it. It took me years for me to accept your death. Actually, I never did accept your death. Five years after you died, and I still couldn't believe that you were gone. Now, I have you and I don't want to lose you. You are my life. I need you, Freya. It's hard to accept death but I know that if we pray, God will answer our prayers."

"If feel like he isn't. I pray but he doesn't answer."

"Maybe he is but not in the way you think. Remember before this whole thing how we would wake up every morning and have devotions and every night before bed, we would do the same?"

"Yes."

"Maybe we should continue where we left off."

"Ok."

They had devotions together. When they were done, Freya cried in Merlin's arms and he cried with her. When Freya fell asleep, Merlin kissed her forehead and left the room. He went to the living room and saw everyone talking.

"Estelle, will you be alright taking everyone to church tomorrow?" Merlin wondered.

"Sure. Why? Is mum sick?" Estelle answered.

"She's just finished venting out and is now sleeping. She has a few years worth of grief inside her and I think she should try to rest tomorrow. She needs it."

"Ok."

"Thank you."

Merlin went back to bed. He laid down next to Freya and pulled her close. The next morning, Estelle took everyone to church. Freya woke up and saw that it was past 9.

"Oh no. Merlin, wake up. We're late." Freya gasped. Merlin moaned and woke up. Freya sat up and Merlin pulled her into a hug. "Merlin, we're late."

"No, we're not. Last night, I asked Estelle to take everyone to church. I felt that we needed time alone. Now, come lie down." Merlin answered. Freya laid down.

"Merlin, I'm fine. We could have gone."

"You need more time to cry and grieve and we need time together alone. We haven't had any since before the news and that something we should have done."

"When will they be back?"

"Most likely after church."

Merlin looked at his phone and saw that Estelle had texted him.

"Actually, they won't be back till tonight. Estelle said that tonight is prayer night for adults and youth which I forgot about. SHe said that she had already grabbed the kids books and vests for AWANA and that after lunch, they would be eating with a few of the others." Merlin explained.

"SHe knew that we needed time alone." Freya replied.

"Yes, she did. Now, how about we try again?"

"Merlin, it won't work."

"Yes, it will. We just have to trust God."

"Merlin, I can't."

"Please, Freya. Please try for me."

"Fine."

So they tried again. When they were done, they were breathless and exhausted.

"I never thought that it would be so painful." Freya panted.

"We haven't tried in a long time." Merlin answered as he kissed Freya's neck.

"I hope it works."

"It will. Now, get some sleep. You need it."

Freya nodded and went back to sleep. A few hours later, she woke up and saw that Merlin was asleep. She stood up alone to collapse.

"Merlin." Freya exclaimed.

TBC