A/N: Does anyone even read the author notes at the beginning? See the note at the end.
On a Tuesday morning near the beginning of May, the Great Hall was full of light talk and bustle as students struggled to wake up and ate breakfast in preparation of the day's classes. The post arrived that morning as usual, but a few minutes after the owls had taken off again, a very unusual hush fell over the hall.
"Oh no," muttered Lil, as she read the headline of the Prophet.
"What is it?" asked Aly. The rest of the sixth year Gryffindors were all sitting together that morning and now they leaned in the hear the news.
"There was another attack," Lily said tonelessly, still in shock. "A subway station in London, nearly 400 killed." She heard the sharp intakes of breath around her but she continued to read the article to herself, listing off pertinent facts to the group as she did. "There was extensive damage. Happened yesterday morning while the subway was heavily populated as people went to work. The muggles think it was a bombing, but it was actually Voldemort. Apparently they're trying to pin it on the Soviets and link it to the Cold War between the United States and Russia, but they know that it won't hold if he continues attacks like this." Lily finally set the paper down, she couldn't read anymore.
"That's the third attack since Easter," said Remus.
"The third?" asked Christine, one of Lily's dorm mates.
"Yeah. This is the biggest so far. The first one was small. I don't think too many people paid attention to those two muggle families that were murdered. The only reason they got attention in the Prophet is because of the Dark Mark and the way they were mutilated."
Christine shuddered. "He hasn't attacked any wizards yet though," Aly pointed out. "That's good at least."
Sirius shook his head. "Not directly, no. But he's doing more damage attacking muggles like this. It's going to be hard keeping this covered up for long. He's trying to expose us I think. Force us into acting."
"Why aren't the Aurors doing anything about it?" asked Lauren with contempt.
Lily say James open his mouth, but quickly grabbed his arm. "Let's go, we're going to be late for Potions."
That afternoon found James walking around the lake. He was attempting to enjoy the beautiful spring weather, but he was preoccupied. Before long he saw Lily walking towards him. He smiled as she approached. "I should have known you'd follow me out here," he teased, glad that she had.
"And I should have knows you'd be out here brooding," she teased him back.
"Brooding? I am not," he defended. Lily raised her eyebrow and said nothing. "Alright, so maybe I was." He started walking again and Lily fell into step beside him. It was so natural that he could have imagined it was just like old times – except it wasn't. HE and Lily were still friends, but he no longer knew where he stood with her. Sirius had told him she'd broken up with Will, but Lily hadn't mentioned it and she made no move to indicate that she loved him back, although she had to know after what happened in December how much he loved her. So although hope had sprouted in his chest, he was beginning to believe that they were doomed to remain only friends. And besides his relationship with Lily, the carefree happiness that had permeated his younger years seemed to be fast disappearing as of late. Pulled from his thoughts be the sound of Lily's voice he asked her to repeat the question.
"I asked how your dad was doing."
"Better," he sighed. "I had a letter from mum yesterday telling me he got out of St. Mungo's last week and that he'll be stuck doing desk work for the next three months while he undergoes physical therapy, but that his leg will be fine."
The last attack before today's had been on a popular church in the Liverpool area. A witch had been there, and recognizing the magic had apparated to the Ministry. The Aurors had arrived at the scene to find the building set on fire with most of the people trapped inside. Complicated wards were being set up by two Death Eaters, the others had already left. The first two Aurors to arrive were Henry Potter and his partner. They had engaged the two Death Eaters but Henry had taken a bad severing curse to the leg, nearly cutting the whole thing off before the rest of the department had arrived. Unfortunately, by the time they got the wards undone and had put out the fire, most of the bodies had been burned, and those who were still alive were insane with terror. More than 150 people had been killed and another 30 died later of their wounds.
"I'm worried James."
Again her voice saved him from his thoughts. "Why?"
"I'm worried about my parents – and Petunia."
He slung an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to him. "Oh Lily, try not to worry too much ok? They haven't been anywhere near the attacks. And there's no reason to suspect they'd be singled out by these guys ok?"
Lily nodded into his chest, trying to control the fear that gripped her chest. She wasn't really reassured. "I know, but I've just got a bad feeling."
James pulled her close and lightly kissed the top of her head before turning them towards the castle.
"Hey Remus, wait a seconds," Lily called after him as he was leaving the Arithmancy classroom.
"Oh, hey Lily." He slowed his rather hurried pace to match her slower one as they made their way back to the common room. "Sorry, my mind was somewhere else."
Lily waved a hand at him, "oh don't worry about it. I just wanted to talk to you about prefect duties real quick."
"Sure, what's up?"
"Well, I saw Matilda earlier and she needs us to help cover Sally Raython's patrols till the end of the year."
Remus looked at her questioningly, "that Ravenclaw girl in our year? The really quiet one?"
Lily nodded, her expression turning solemn. "Yeah, she and her younger brother Daniel, a fourth year left yesterday. Apparently their mother was killed in the attack last week."
There had only been one attack in the two and a half weeks since the subway incident, leaving nearly 300 people killed near Norwich. It seemed as if Voldemort had let loose a dragon near the coast. It had nearly decimated a small costal town before the officials could put it down. The ministry had been tripping over itself the last few days trying to obliterate anyway who had seen the dragon.
"Is their….well do they have any family left?"
Lily nodded. "Apparently their father was at the ministry at work, but their mother was at home." They climbed through the portrait hole in silence before Lily brought them back on topic. "The first patrol we have to pick up is next week."
Remus looked at her worried, but she cut him off as she took at seat in an armchair by the fire. "I know you can't make it. I'll get Roger to do it with me, but other than that one, none of our extra shifts should conflict."
"Conflict with what?" asked Sirius as he jumped over the back of the couch.
"Remus' furry little problem," answered Lily. She explained to him about the extra patrols they had to cover.
"Oh by the way Lily, I've been meaning to tell you something," Sirius said. He cringed a little bit, which made Lily narrow her eyes at him. This couldn't be good. "I sort of kind of told James that you broke up with Will."
"Wait, what?" Remus was confused. "Lily you broke up with Will? When?"
"Lily broke up with Will?" Peter asked as he sat down. "Hmm, I figured as much."
"Wait, you knew?" Sirius asked.
Peter shrugged. "Well she hasn't written him all semester, nor mentioned him for that matter, so I just assumed…"
Lily shook her head, "Wait, Sirius when did you tell him this?"
"About a month and a half ago I guess. Shortly after you told me."
"Wait," Remus said. "Will someone please tell me what's going on?"
Lily sighed. "I broke up with Will over Christmas break."
"Really?" Remus looked at Sirius, then back at Lily. "And James didn't know, but he knows now?"
Sirius nodded and looked at Lily. "He had the right to know Lily you know he did."
"I know. I just couldn't tell him myself. I figured you would tell him, so I chickened out and told you instead. And even then it still took me what, two months?"
Remus was still confused. "So wait, James knows you broke up with Will over Christmas break, and has known this for about a month and a half, and he hasn't done anything about it."
Lily shook her head. "That's part of the reason I didn't tell him. I didn't want him to take it the wrong way. But the problem is I don't really know what to do." She felt a little strange talking to all the guys about this, but she wasn't really sure how she had gotten herself into this position in the first place.
Peter shrugged again. "Well, knowing James he won't make a move until you do no matter what – especially after what happened."
Lily groaned. "Does everyone know about that?"
"No, but we basically just guessed," said Remus. "We have been your friends for years."
"Anyway, you'll have to figure out what you want, and then you'll just have to talk to him about it," Peter summed up.
Lily groaned. "That's the problem," she muttered. "Come on, let's go to dinner, this conversation is making me entirely too hungry." The four of them walked down to dinner and found James already their, loading heaps of mashed potatoes onto his plate. And all throughout dinner, Lily stole glances at him and wondered why when it came to James she was so afraid that she was going to lose him – why she couldn't admit to loving him. And as the owls brought the Evening Prophet, she was reminded that there were bigger problems than whether or not she was in love with James.
The three weeks before exams began seemed to just slide by to Lily. Between studying and keeping and eye on the wider world and the news, it seemed the student body had time for little else. No other attacks had occurred since the one in Norwich, and the entire student body seemed to relax a little bit, as if maybe it would all be over.
As the seventh years took their NEWTS the first week of June, and the fifth years nervously crammed for their OWLS the following week, the sixth years found themselves absorbed in their own end of year exams.
Looking back on those exams later, Lily would hardly remember which questions she didn't answer, and which exams were exceedingly difficult. She wouldn't remember how relieved she felt to be done with her 4 hour long Potions practical, nor how long she made James cram with her for Transfiguration. In fact, she would barely be able to separate one day from the next, distinguish any one exam from any other. But the last day of exams she knew, she would remember with perfect clarity.
She was laying under the shade of the tree next to the lake with James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter after their Defense exam, when a Aimee Randall, the 3rd year chaser from the Quidditch team approached them.
"Hi James, Sirius," she said.
"Hey Aimee, what's up?" James asked.
"Umm nothing really, I just have a message for Lily from Professor Dumbledore." She handed over a piece of parchment before skipping back off to find her friends.
"What's it say Lily love?" asked Sirius curiously.
Lily couldn't think of a reason she should be receiving a note from Professor Dumbledore, but after reading his scribbled request to come to his office immediately she felt the familiar fear grip her chest, and the sunshine around her seemed to dim – as if someone had just put a filter on the world.
With a murmured excuse to the guys she quickly set off for his office. She was torn between running to his office and taking as long as possible to try and put off the news she feared awaited her. In the end it didn't really matter because time began to skip – as if she was skipping whole scenes of her life and fast forwarding to particular moments of it. One minutes she was laughing by the lake with her friends and breathing a sigh of relief at the end of exams, the next she was climbing the stairs to Dumbledore's office. In this disconnected way she processed the information that she had known in her heart was true. The previous evening Death Eaters had attacked her neighborhood. Both her parents were killed. Her sister was fine, away at the University. In a daze Lily quickly packed her things, shrunk them to fit in her pocket and returned to the headmaster's office. One second she was flooing into Larry's decrypt old shack, the next she was walking up her street, amazed at the destruction before her eyes.
Every house suffered damage. Houses were torn apart, trees burnt, cars scattered throughout the street as if carelessly thrown about by a giant toddler. One minute Lily was talking to a police officer as she felt hot tears begin to fall down her face as her body finally began to respond to the situation and the next she was standing over the bodies of her parents. All she could in reaction was turn from their unmarked bodies, sobbing uncontrollably to retch in the nearby bushes. It was all the confirmation the officer needed. One minute Lily was speaking with an representative of the Ministry, talking distantly of legal emancipation with her 17th birthday only months away and no wizarding relatives. One minute she was speaking with her family's lawyer of funeral dates and preparations she and her sister would need to make. On the confirmation that Petunia was presumed to be fine, although no one had been able to contact her as of yet, Lily again found herself reduced to sobs. The next thing Lily knew, she was standing in the middle of the street, looking full on at the damage done to the house, to her world, in such a short time.
She had a strong, sickening feeling of déjà vu.
Some of the columns holding up the porch had collapsed causing the front part of the roof to sag. There were large holes in the walls and nearly all the windows were broken. The back left corner, where she knew the kitchen was, looked like it had burned away most of that part of the house. She felt blackness swim on the edges of her vision, knowing she was living the dream she had had months before hand, and wishing, desperately that it was still a dream.
She knew now the damage suffered by the other houses on the street was just as extensive, ever house experiencing it's own personal destruction. Just like in her dream there were cars everywhere, sirens and people bustling about. It was like all of the people around her were moving in real time, and she was moving in slow motion as she felt the sickening reality of her situation steal up on her. Her parents were dead. Never again would she see them greet her. Never again would they tell her how proud they were of her. Never again would they scold her for aggravating her sister. She felt like she was drowning in this new reality, one that she knew she could never wake up from. She shivered and felt the truth steal up her back, up behind her ears, to rest permanently in her brain. And then, she was thrown a lifeline.
She turned as she heard Petunia's voice, reaching towards her, desperate for some comfort from her only remaining family. Trying to grab onto anyone who could offer her some comfort, an anchor, in this strange and confusing time.
"Oh Pet thank god you're here. I was so worried that you were home when –"
"How dare you come here," her sister screamed. "How dare you show your face! This is all your fault. It was those freaks like you that did this, that killed mum and dad and practically the entire neighborhood. I can't believe you. You always were a worthless piece of shit. A freak of nature and abomination! No one should be able to do those things you can do. And look at what happened to mum and dad. They couldn't protect themselves from those – those – monsters! That's what you are, you're a monster. You always have been. You always were out to steal them from me, and now look what you've done! If they had never had you none of this would have ever happened. Those monsters came here for you - they never wanted anything to do with us! I wish you had never been born, that you had never been a part of my family. I can't believe you have the audacity to show your face here after this. I never want to see you again."
Lily felt the tears rolling down her face, felt as if she was reeling from the unexpected blow her sister's words brought her. She felt utterly and completely alone. The one person she could reach out to, the one person she could latch onto in the face of her parents death wanted nothing to do with her ever again. And was she right? Was this all because of her? What would she do now? Where could she go? And Lily felt her mind swimming in confusion and in slow motion felt the blackness rise up to greet her. Any second she would wake up, she would run to James, and crawl in his bed and he would tell her it would all be fine. And the thought of him, of that comfort reminded her that this was not a dream, and that she was not alone. She remembered James' words – about standing up for herself when Petunia put her down. About this not being her fault. His words echoed in her ears.
"..it would never, ever be your fault, and their lives would never have been better without you. You need to stand up to her and be proud of who you are. You're a wonderful person and there are plenty of people who care about you. You could always come to me, you know that."
Lily felt her vision become abruptly clear. Petunia had turned away from her to find the police officer in charge of the situation. The sight of her sisters back only served to infuriate Lily further. Hearing her name, Petunia turned back around, and Lily stared her down, prepared to give back everything she had been given since an owl showed up on her eleventh birthday and gave her a world of opportunity, at the expense of her sister's love.
"I'm sorry you never thought you were good enough for them Pet, and I certainly didn't come into this world looking to replace you. Your insecurities and unhappiness are not, nor were they ever my problem. You have spent nearly our entire lives being jealous of me and my life, putting me down and trying to hold me back to make yourself feel better. And I let you because I wanted your acceptance – and for that I will never forgive myself. But you know what Pet, you need to grow up. This world isn't all about you, and it's not all about me either. But eventually I hope you realize that the only person holding you back, the only person making you unhappy, is you. I'm sorry that you hate yourself, but you can't make up for it by hating me. As of this moment, I am done. I'm done playing your games, and I'm done being involved in your life when it is so abundantly clear that the only reason you want me there is to hate me instead of yourself. I'm sorry Mum and Dad are dead, Pet I really am, but this time I won't take the blame for something I never could control. Whether they died because I'm a witch or not, it is not, nor will it ever be my fault, and I won't let you tell me otherwise."
And savoring the shocked look on Petunia's face, Lily turned her back on her sister, and her childhood. And with a grace beyond her years she took the first of war's burdens upon her shoulders and she left.
A/N: This chapter was really difficult to write, but I think I did a pretty good job of it. I am, however, anxious to know what you guys think. Usually I write things from experience, and although I have lost loved ones very close to me and do know how that feels, it was not a shock to me. I have had many positive reviews telling me how believable my story is, and how well I do with explaining emotions. You guys have inflated my ego and I like to think that I hold myself to a fairly high standard. Please let me know if this measures up.
ALSO IMPORTANT: (SEQUEL INFORMATION) I am going to put up a poll on my profile about whether or not you would like to see a sequel. PLEASE VOTE. If there is enough interest I will strongly consider writing one, but otherwise I don't know if I will since that is a considerable amount of time and effort. The sequel would deal with: the formation of the Order of the Phoenix, more character development on the Marauders and Lily as they confront the war, baby Harry, and Peters betrayal, and as much as I think this would be difficult to write I'll attempt to write the Potter's death and do it justice. Please vote!
