Inspired by Gary Jules's and Michael Andrews' cover of "Mad World"

Shorter chapter for a shorter song. Many thanks for the song. And for anyone concerned, I've been doing fine, (really great actually) just busy as all get all. I return to school in a few weeks, so I'm doing that, prepping for two finals, and working two jobs. Soon it'll all be done and I'll go back to school to relax. Wait...


Mad World

It's just not like you.

The words rang in Garrus's head, an accusatory tone added by his overactive imagination. His sharp teeth ground against each other as he tried to shake away Shepard's words from his brain.

…What do you want from me Shepard? What would you do if someone betrayed you?

I'm not sure. But I wouldn't let it change me.

Typical Shepard, Garrus reasoned, trying to refocus on his scope. She always believed in the best in everyone, but there was no way Sidonis had any good in him. He led ten good men to their deaths; that was on his head.

I understand what you're going through, but do you really want to kill him?

I appreciate your concern…but I'm not you.

This isn't you either.

Still…the way she'd said that….no hesitation. She always seemed to know something that he didn't…Shaking his head, Garrus willed himself to be still. He'd seen his target in the scope. The Turian sitting on the bench, now raising his pale silver-green eyes to look at the human woman beckoning him closer.

Sidonis. He was so close… He could hear every word they said, even the panic when Shepard uttered his name aloud. His facial tattoos had been faded, the blue lines now a pale sky color and the yellow that had once been splashed across his cheekbones had faded so that his plating looked almost sickly. Even so, Garrus would never be able to forget this one Turian for as long as he lived. It was now or never.

"Shepard, you're in my shot. Move to the side."

In the scope, the brunette didn't move. Instead, she spoke calmly, warning of the danger. Panic was evident in the other Turian's voice as he asked Shepard if this was some sort of joke. It was most certainly not, but the Turian didn't need to know that. Garrus was angry – pretty furious, actually - that Shepard wouldn't just move.

"Dammit Shepard! If he moves, I'm taking the shot."

Through the headset, his former teammate's voice filtered through, scared and small sounding. "You…you're not kidding, are you? Screw this. I'm not sticking around here to find out. Tell Garrus I had my own problems…"

Before he could get a clear shot, Shepard's hand shot out and grabbed the other Turian. "Don't move!"

He whirled, brushing the Commander's arm off. "Get off me!"

"I am the only thing standing between you and a hole in the head!"

Sidonis's exhaled expletive filtered through to Garrus, giving the sniper a small sense of satisfaction. Below Sidonis fumbled, trying to explain himself, but Garrus was having none of it. He knew what had happened, and no amount of words could make that go away. His former teammate spoke of choices…

"Everyone has a choice."

It was something Shepard had always taught him…once upon a time she had told him that it was impossible to control how people would act, but you could control how you reacted and that in the end, that was what really mattered. Well, Sidonis had acted. Now he was reacting.

"Let me take the shot Shepard. He's a damn coward!"

In the scope, he caught the briefest glimmer of her blue eyes before Shepard moved in perfect synch with his target. "That's it? You were just trying to save yourself?"

Perhaps he had a chance at having Sidonis dead after all…Shepard's tone was full of confusion and anger. Still, she did not stop shielding the other Turian as they moved towards the railing. The target leaned against the railing, shaking his head. "I know they died because of me, and I have to live with that."

What Sidonis did next gave Garrus pause. "I wake up every night…sick…and sweating. Each of their faces looking at me…accusing me. I'm already a dead man. I don't sleep. Food has no taste. Some days I just want it to be over."

Once more, Shepard's words drifted to his mind. A long time ago, she'd said that there were worse things than being dead…back then he hadn't believed her, but re-living the two years without her made him reconsider the idea that there might be worse things than death out there. And seeing the way Sidonis looked now…

"Just give me the chance." He growled into the com, but some of the bite had left his voice.

Below him, Shepard turned so that he could see her bright blue eyes as she spoke. "You gotta let it go Garrus. He's already paying for his crime."

"He hasn't paid enough! He still has his life."

Although he knew he was hidden enough so that she could hardly see him, Shepard's eyes locked onto Garrus's. "Look at him, Garrus. He's not alive…there's nothing left to kill."

In a way, she was right….Sidonis looked sick and weak, but that didn't change a thing. Feeling resolve slipping away, the Turian grasped at his reasons. "My men…they deserved better."

"Tell Garrus…"

Situated in his loft, Garrus froze, waiting for the next round of groveling and bullshit from his former teammate. Just give me a reason, he silently begged. But that reason was not forthcoming as the Turian in the scope bent his head, shame echoing through his voice.

"I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right."

Within, something clicked. Garrus turned, hiding his face in the cowl of his armor. When he spoke, his voice which had been so steady not moments ago, shook with pent up emotion. "Just…go. Tell him to go."

He barely heard what happened next. It was all he could do to contain himself as he furiously strode back towards where Shepard would meet him by the transit station.


Even as Shepard got out of the car, Garrus knew she would want to talk about it. It was just in her nature to assess how the situation was affecting her team. He had to stop her before she could open her mouth. Practically skidding to a halt, he clenched his talons tightly. "I know you want to talk about this…but I don't. Not yet."

Somewhere in Shepard's deep blue eyes, a hint of sorrow flickered, but then it was gone. "I know it didn't go the way you planned, but I think it's for the best."

With a small, annoyed huff, Garrus began to pace. "I'm not so sure."

"Give it time."

Time. Hah. What a joke that was…that's what they'd said after she had died…it still hadn't worked. Bitter sarcasm crept into his voice. "Yeah. Maybe that'll be enough."

Finally stopping before Shepard, he gazed down at her, once more feeling like the young rookie Turian she'd taken aboard the Normandy two years ago, not the battle hardened veteran he was now. "I want to know I did the right thing. Not just for me - for my men. They deserve to be avenged. But when Sidonis was in my sights…I just couldn't do it."

"The lines between good and evil blur when we're looking at people we know." For such a young human, Erin Shepard spoke with the wisdom of someone twice her age. At times, Garrus felt that some Asari Matriarchs could stand to learn a thing or two from her.

With a little shrug, he rocked on his feet. "Yeah. There was still good in him…I could see it. It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Gray…I don't know what to do with gray."

And in typical Shepard fashion, she offered him a dazzling smile. "You've got to go with your instincts."

Garrus laughed a little. "My instincts are what got me into this mess."

In a heartbeat, Shepard had closed the distance between them, giving him a quick, one armed half hug half pat on the shoulder. "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself."

For the half second that their bodies connected, Garrus's heart did an odd stutter-step before resuming its normal beating. Exhaling softly, he drew back. "Thanks Shepard. For everything."