Emma smiled as she sat with Daryl up in the Bell tower. They didn't join the others for the fine feast Emma had provided, and Carol had cooked. Instead they enjoyed their own helpings on their own Luna curled up eating some food outside their door. Daryl knew why Emma didn't want to eat with the group. She didn't want to be around the large belly of Lori. He was still cross with Ricks wife about all the heartless things he had said to Emma the day after the miscarriage. He looked to Emma to see she was smiling softly as she ate her last piece of meat.
"That… That was a good meal." Daryl laughed.
"Yep, all thanks to me." He said setting his own empty plate aside.
"All thanks to you, I killed the bear." She said with a laugh looking to him.
"Yeah with my crossbow, so really I killed the bear." She punched him in the shoulder.
"Shut up!" she said and he laughed.
"Alright, it was all you… Man I'm going to have to hunt down a lion to top this."
"Where are you going to get a lion?"
"There's a Zoo somewhere in this state." She shook her head with a smile. Daryl wrapped his arms around her shoulders as she laid her head on his shoulder.
"I'm real glad you pulled through… For a while there I wasn't sure you would." She admitted quietly.
"I promised you I wouldn't go anywhere… I keep my promises, at least to you." She smiled softly as she looked up at him. Daryl cupped her cheek as he pushed a strand of red hair behind her ear. She smiled softly up at him.
"I love you." He said and she smiled softly, it was rare for him to say it first.
"I love you too Daryl." He moved forward and kissed her deeply. Emma's eyes drifted close as she sighed contently. He slowly laid her back on the ground as he climbed over her. Emma made a pained noise and Daryl pulled back. "Daryl wait…"
"What's wrong?" he asked looking her over as she cupped her side.
"I'm still sore from that fight I had getting the first aid kit." She said sitting up as Daryl moved over her.
"Let me see…" He said as he took off her shirt and looked over her body seeing the numerous bruises covering her. He hadn't seen her this bruised since the five men broke into the school. "I still didn't hear that story, how many men were there?" he asked and she smiled as she looked off.
"It wasn't even a group or men, I ran into a woman just as well trained as I was… She had a Katana…"
"Did you kill her?" Daryl asked.
"I don't know… Might have." She said with a shrug. "She was going to kill me though for that first aid kit. So if I did kill her I don't feel wrong about it."
"She was after the first aid kit?"
"Someone she was traveling with had a cold… I needed all of what was inside the kit for you…" She said with a shrug.
"She did a number on you." He said his hand drifting over bruises on her side.
"You should see her." She said with a smile and Daryl looked her over. He set his hands on her hips and pulled her into his lap. Emma smiled seeing she was straddling him. He moved forward and captured her lips with his. It had been a long while since he and Emma had been intimate. They hadn't been together since the night he forgot to put the condom on. He missed the feeling of her body pressed against his. He missed the way she sounded moaning his name more.
"Daryl…" He unlatched her bra and tossed it aside as his arms wrapped around her. Emma's eyes snapped open as she stared at the tossed clothing item. "Daryl…" she said softly as he kissed her neck.
"I've missed you…" he said his hands moving up her bare back as her breasts pressed against his chest.
"Daryl… Stop…" He slowly pulled away and looked her over.
"What is it?" She stared at him for a long moment and he looked down to see her hands her on her lower abdomen.
"I can't…" she said her voice breaking and he slowly nodded.
"Of course you can't…" he said shaking his head. "I should have known that." He grabbed her shirt and she slowly shrugged it on. "You must still…" he cleared his throat. "Be bleeding."
"No…" She said. "I'm surprised I'm not but no…" he looked to her.
"Then you're in pain?" She shook her head. "What is it then?" he asked pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I don't… I don't want to have sex."
"Oh you're not in the mood." He said shaking his head with a smile. "That's fine."
"I am in the mood." He tilted his head.
"Emma I'm getting mixed signals here."
"When you started undressing me I just got this crippling fear."
"I'd never hurt you…" He said rubbing her upper arms. "You know that?"
"No, I know." She said.
"Then what are you afraid of?" He asked.
"That if we have sex I'll get pregnant again and I'll miscarry once more…"
"You're not going to get pregnant because we'll use protection this time."
"Condoms break." She said. "They're only 99.9 percent effective."
"That's a good percentage…" he said cupping her cheek. She shook her head quickly her eyes welling up. "It's okay we don't have to, I'm not going to force you too."
"I want to, but I just can't…"
"It's okay…" he said moving forward and kissing her.
"I'm sorry."
"No it's okay… That's okay Emma." He said kissing her again." She wrapped her arms around him and Daryl held her tightly in his arms. He felt like a jack ass trying to have sex with her. It had only been a few days from the miscarriage. He didn't know what he had been thinking.
Oh I know exactly what I was thinking… I want sex… I should have been thinking, is she okay? I wonder if this is normal for most women, it seems it must be… Rick would know Lori has had miscarriages… Or Carol, Carol mentioned she had one… I wonder when Emma won't be scared any more…
-o-
Emma slammed her fist against a punching bag. She Beth, and Carl were working out. Emma had taken enough time off in teaching them how to defend themselves, so now she was back at it. She took a breather and pulled back as she watched Beth pull her fist and slam it into the bag with perfect precision before looking to Carl and watching as he leapt up into the air and administered a perfect round house kick. She smiled softly. They were coming along, coming along really well. Someday they were sure to surpass her in skill. She looked to the gym door to see Hershel and Rick peeking in.
"Keep going." She said to the kids as she walked to them. "Hey guys." She greeted.
"They're looking good." Rick said.
"Beth is looking dangerous." Hershel added.
"It's not a bad thing, and I'm making sure she keeps that sweet streak to her."
"I appreciate it." Hershel said with a nod.
"Look I wanted to talk to you guys about something… They've excelled at hand to hand, now I want to move them on to weapons. Not guns or anything like that, I mean they know guns. I'm talking about martial arts weapons. Now Rick, Carl has expressed interest in Bo staff." He nodded. "But your kid is able to use his left and right hand perfectly In sync with one another, so I want to teach him Escreama."
"What is that?" he asked.
"It's basically a bo staff cut in half, so he'd have two weapons instead of one."
"I like the idea of it."
"I'd have to teach him Bo staff first though of course."
"I'm all for it." He said.
"Hershel now, Beth too likes the Bo staff but when it comes to hand to hand she instinctively goes in close for a fight, a bo staff won't help her with that so I want to try and get my hands on something with a blade… Like a Katana or even axes, and throwing knifes."
"Blades can cut."
"And she will cut herself a few times but trust me after the first few times she'll learn and she won't do it again…" She said. "Until I can find her proper weapons though I'm going to teach her Escreama like Carl but I don't think she'll pick it up as fast, her left hand is way behind to her right one."
"Alright, whatever keeps them safe." He said.
"I'm going to start teaching them weapons tomorrow but we all need to be on board with this."
"We're on board." They said.
"Perfect..." She looked around as she shifted on her feet. "Hershel… How's Lori doing?"
"The best I can tell… She's alright… I could use your expertise though…"
"I'll help her but I really just… I need her to not talk to me for a while…"
"I'll talk to her…" Rick said.
"I'll come by later tonight, do a gynecological exam." Emma said.
"I'd appreciate it." Rick said.
"Okay let's run laps!" Emma called and instantly carl and Beth began to run.
"I was thinking it may be time to teach the others some things." Rick said.
"You tell me when and I'm there…" Emma said before running off to join the jogging with Beth and Carl. "Keep going Keep going!" She yelled and they laughed. "I'm a walker and if you don't run faster I'm gunna bite you!" She yelled picking up Carl and making him laugh.
"She would have made a good mom…" Hershel said before walking off.
-o-
Carol stirred some marinating bear meat as she looked over at Daryl who had been sitting up on the counter for the last hour. He hadn't said anything. Hadn't done anything. Just sat there staring at her with an unsure look. She sprinkled some salt onto the meat before sighing heavily and looking to Daryl.
"What is it?" She asked and he straightened up.
"Can… Can I ask you a question?" He inquired and she tilted her head as she leaned back against her own counter looking at him.
"Sure."
"You… You mentioned you lost…" He looked off his jaw clenching.
"I've had a miscarriage yes…" She said practically reading his mind.
"How long after…" he ran his fingers through his hair. "How long until…"
"I wanted to have sex?" He looked at her quickly. "Emma's holding out on you huh?"
"Has been for a long time… When we forgot the condom she didn't want to because she was freaked out, then there was a baby, and I think we both felt odd about having sex with a baby in there, now though… Last night… It was a jackass move to try-."
"You want to be close with her after a tragedy that's not a jack ass move." Carol said shaking her head. "Honestly I can't tell you, I never wanted to have sex with Ed… And I really never had a choice in the matter." She admitted quietly. "My sister though before she died of breast cancer, she had a miscarriage, and her and her husband were very much in love, it took her a few weeks to want to be intimate again…"
"She says she's scared she'll get pregnant again, and miscarry again…" He said.
"A smart fear to have… Honestly I feel bad for Emma… The miscarriage I had and the miscarriage Lori had they were nothing like what Emma went through. I mean we all were in a hospital when it happened, we didn't see anything that was going on, we hardly even felt the pain thanks to pain killers… Emma though… She felt the pain, saw the blood, saw the clots which were made up of her baby…" she shook her head. "I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been for her…"
"I don't know what to do or say." Carol looked to Daryl. She knew this must be hard for him. Having this conversation.
"I'm sure she doesn't know what to do or say around you either…"
"She tried to kill herself…" he said quietly. "That walker in the bathroom-."
"I know." Carol said and he looked to her. "I don't think she's thinking of doing that anymore though…" Daryl slowly nodded. "Maybe it's time to bury the clothes... There are some nice rose bushes outside…"
"I don't even know how to bring it up to her…"
"Do you want me too?" Carol asked.
"I feel like that's chickening out of it."
"Not at all… I would if you wanted me too…"
"No I'll… I'll tell her… Tonight, we have patrol together."
-o-
Emma pulled on one of the fences as they passed. She shook her head. These weren't going to hold out long. They were temporary fences and they had already used a lot of chains and strings to try and hold them together.
"We really need to talk to Rick about moving on…" Emma said. "This fence isn't going to hold on for long…"
"I know…" he said. "I'll talk to him later, we never did get to go look for places to stay your last run, maybe we should go out again. We have to make a run for coats and winter wear anyways."
"That's true… This coat is starting to wear thin…" She said checking over another fence she suddenly stopped and Daryl looked her over.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I just…" She shook her head. "I just thought I need to find some maternity coats…"
"For Lori?"
"No… For me… I… I just forgot I had lost it…" she muttered before walking off her hand on her stomach.
"Hey…" Daryl set his hand on her arm making her stop.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't talk to you about this." She said and he tilted his head.
"Who else are you going to talk about it with?" he inquired.
"I just mean, you lost the baby too and it must be hard for you to hear me keep bringing it up…"
"I don't mind it…" He said. "I'm glad you brought it up actually." He said and she looked to him.
"You are?"
"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about something…" He said. "I think we should have I don't know…" he ran his fingers through his hair. "Maybe a burial…"
"A what?" she asked looking to him.
"Lori and Carol they kept your clothes from that night…" she looked off her jaw clenching as her eyes welled up. "I thought we could bu-."
"I can't talk about this…" she said walking off as a tear fell and she quickly wiped it away. Daryl quickly walked to her side and took her hand in his stopping her.
"Hey… I didn't mean to upset you…" He said. "I just… I don't know about you, but I'd like to give the baby we lost some peace… Put him or her to rest… Eventually… And we have nothing to burry so-."
"You want to burry my bloody clothes?"
"There's nothing else to burry…"
"I wondered where those clothes went…" she said softly looking off.
"Carol has them…" Daryl said.
"I'm not ready…" She said softly and he nodded.
"I know I just wanted to put the idea out there."
"I don't think I'd want to bury them…" She said softly as she started to walk away.
"No?" he asked following her.
"I don't like the idea of just burying what little evidence we had of our baby into the ground… Because we're going to have to leave this place someday, and we might not be able to come back…"
"What would you rather do?"
"Burn the clothes and cast the ashes to the wind… That way he or she is carried to where ever we go…" He nodded.
"I like that idea… When you're ready..."
"I'm not ready yet…" He nodded.
"Okay…" He said his arm draping around her waist as they walked.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not ready yet either." He said kissing her temple.
-o-
Emma took a deep breath and walked into Lori and Ricks classroom. The one they'd been using to sleep in. She saw Lori laying back her hands on her stomach and with all the bravery she had she knocked on the door. Rick stood and smiled seeing her.
"Hey…" He said.
"Sorry about not coming last night but I didn't want Daryl to take patrol alone…" She said.
"Understood…" Lori said standing up and gave her a soft smile. Emma instantly averted her eyes as she walked over. She stopped seeing a pile of baby stuff.
"We should have put those away…"
"It's fine…" Emma muttered moving forward. "Lay back, let's get a look at your stomach…" Lori laid back and lifted her shirt. Emma warmed her hands up before setting them on the growing round belly.
"I felt a kick a few days ago."
"That must have been nice…" Emma said and Rick stared at his wife. He couldn't believe she was mentioning kicks when Emma had just lost her own child. Could she really be that selfish? "You're hanging low…" Emma commented.
"Could mean a boy."
"It's just an old wives tale." Emma said her jaw clenching. "Any blood?"
"No."
"Good… Have you started lactating yet?"
"A little."
"Good… All good…" Emma said standing up. "Your fine, the B-baby's fine… Everyone's fine…" With that she walked out trying to keep her hands from shaking in anger.
"I felt a kick, Lori?" Rick asked and Lori looked off.
"Why can't I be excited to have a baby, just because she lost hers?" Rick stared at her for a long moment.
"You know sometimes I feel like I don't know you…" He said before he too walked off. Rick looked all around for Emma and stopped when he saw her inside with Carol in her room. Before he was about to walk in he spotted Carol handing Emma a wad of bloodied clothes. He slowly bowed his head as he stepped out of sight.
Emma took a deep breath as she looked over the clothes in her hands. This was all that was left of her baby. The blood staining the cloth, was all the evidence she had that she ever had a child. She slowly hugged them to her chest as her jaw clenched.
"Thanks Carol…" She said softly and Carol nodded as she rubbed her arms before bringing her in for a hug.
"I'm so sorry baby…" She whispered.
"Thanks…" Emma said before pulling back. "I'm going to keep these until I'm ready." Carol nodded as Emma walked out, not even noticing Rick who stood in the doorway. Emma Walked in a daze through the halls. She wasn't going to the bell tower where Daryl was waiting. Instead she walked through the gymnasium and to the supply basement. When she got down into the dark she let out a sorrowful cry as she held the clothes tightly to her stomach and sunk to the floor.
Daryl walked into the gymnasium. He had seen Emma walking alone, the blood stained clothes in her arms. He had called out to her, but she hadn't heard. So instead he had followed her. He neared the door to the basement and froze when he heard a pained cry come from inside. He pulled his crossbow and instantly burst through the doors.
"Emma!" he yelled afraid it had been a walker. He rushed down the stairs and stopped seeing her curled up into a ball the clothes held to her stomach as she sobbed. "Okay…" he said dropping his crossbow at his side. "That's okay…" he put the crossbow across his back as he walked to her side. "It's okay Emma…" he said pulling her into his arms.
"I want it back…"
"I know." He said his arms around her as he rested his chin on the top of her head. "I know you do… I do too…" She cried harder and Daryl reached down and set his hand over her hands which gripped onto the bloody clothes. His jaw clenched, he could have broken down then too. But instead he held it together and held onto Emma for dear life.
-o-
Emma was quiet for a few days after she had been given her miscarriage clothes. Something Daryl had grown accustomed to when she was in deep distress. She would just revert into herself, and he saw no shame in it. Still he had caught her staring at the bag she had put the bloody clothes into on more than a few occasions. He knew she was trying to work up her courage to let go, he also knew every time she looked at the bag she was torturing herself more and more.
She was back at the school teaching Glenn, Maggie, Beth, and Carl martial arts. It was the only time he saw her like her old self, and in truth he hated that he was missing out on watching. But the bear meat had gone bad and it was time to hunt for more food. So that's what he and Rick were doing. Hunting.
"Look I think I should apologize." Rick said and Daryl looked to him.
"For?" Daryl asked.
"The way Lori has been acting… She could be a little nicer to Emma."
"Hormones…" Daryl muttered.
"Yeah I'd like to think so too…" Rick said his jaw clenching. "How's… How's Emma doing?"
"She cries when she doesn't think I can hear her…" He admitted.
"Emma is strong, and proud, she's trying to keep that image going."
"She's still strong and proud, losing the baby didn't change that." Daryl said with a glare.
"Didn't mean it how it sounded…" Rick said and Daryl just nodded looking off. "How are you doing?"
"Five by five, all skies clear…" He muttered using the terminology Emma used most often.
"You're a better man then I am… I tell you I feel guilty about the days after Loris miscarriage when we were first married… I kept my distance from her, and hid away, so she wouldn't see how distraught I was… I mean we hadn't planned it, the baby, it had just happened but… Man, after the initial shock we got so excited." Daryl looked at him as they walked. "I still get sad about it sometimes… Thinking you know, was it a girl? Was it a boy? When it's that early you just can't tell…"
"I never thanked you…" Daryl said coming to a stop and Rick looked to him. "When I wasn't there you were... I keep thinking… It should have been me carrying her…"
"You came when you could, you were trying to protect her by keeping the dangers from outside from getting to her and the baby…"
"Still lost the baby anyways…" Daryl said his jaw clenching. He bowed his head forward and Rick looked him over for a long time before moving forward and setting his hand on his back.
"It's okay Daryl…" Daryl moved forward and Rick nodded before following him off into the woods. After a whole day of tracking they only came across a bunch of squirrel and rabbits. But it was enough to feed them for the time being.
"As it gets colder, food is going to become harder and harder to find…" Daryl said.
"I wish we could start reserving items but it's pretty much impossible where were at… I've looked over the Generators, they're shot…"
"It might be time to move on."
"Can't not with the baby." Rick said.
"It's better we move on now then later… Rick the fences aren't going to hold for long, and we're nowhere near a clean water source, we've got to drive fifteen miles to get it."
"You want to go out looking for places."
"I do, Emma and I didn't get the chance last time because I got sick."
"Alright, you want to go out today? If we want to move we'll need to do it soon."
"Yeah here take the squirrel I'll go and get Emma." He said as they headed towards the school. Rick nodded taking the vermin before Daryl headed on ahead. He walked through the halls and stopped seeing Glenn and Maggie smiling. "Hey, Emma still in the Gym?" He asked.
"Should be she was in there an hour ago when we left…" Glenn said. Daryl walked to the gym and opened the door. He stopped as he watched Emma leap spinning in the air before landing a kick across a bag. She went to punch it but stopped seeing him.
"Hey…" she said with a soft expression. He smiled as she looked her over in the low rider jeans and sports bra which she was currently sweating in thanks to the work out she'd probably been doing for the past four hours. "Everything okay?" she asked. He normally didn't come to see her in the middle of the day.
"Rick wants us to head out to scout new places…" She nodded bending over and picking up a tank top. As she stood Daryl watched every muscle in her torso ripple. When she had been pregnant things had gotten soft, and he hadn't minded it, now though she was toned and fit, more than ever before.
"You ask Beth to watch Luna, I'll get our bags." She said moving past him. As she walked out of the gym she pulled on her shirt. She smiled seeing Carl staring up at her.
"Hey man, going to work out?" she asked ruffling his hair.
"Uh yeah…" he said clearing his throat, he had just seen Emma in only a sports bra. "Mhm…" he said watching her walk away. He quickly looked to Daryl who was leaning against the door frame watching him.
"She's too old for you, go for Beth." He said nudging him before walking off. Emma grabbed their bags out of the bell tower and walked down the stairs into the hallway. She stopped seeing Lori and Carol.
"Going somewhere?" Lori asked her, her hand going to her stomach.
"Yeah…" Emma said before walking off.
"Is she ever going to get over it?" Lori asked and Carol looked to her.
"What the hell is wrong with you it's only been 10 days." Carol said before storming off.
"And once more I'm the bad guy…" Lori muttered running her fingers through her hair as she rubbed her belly. "It's not like I can wait until after I go into labor for her to get over it…."
Emma smiled as she walked out of the front of the school seeing Daryl by the car. She walked to him and handed him his backpack as she threw her own onto her back.
"We don't have to take the car, we could take the bike." He looked to her.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yeah I'm okay now…" She said. "It will use less fuel anyways." He nodded getting on. Emma walked to the gates and opened them up as Daryl drove out. She closed the gates up and pulled her Bo slamming it across the face of a walker who rushed at her. Emma then quickly got onto bike wrapping her arms around his waist. As Daryl drove off he set his hand on hers to make sure they were clasped tightly. The farther and farther they travelled away from the school. The lighter Emma felt. She held Daryl closer as she rested her head against his back, and for a moment she wondered whether or not they'd ever return to the school or just keep riding out on the open road together.
