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If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude..— Maya Angelou
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Chapter Twenty-Nine
Succinct Roundabout
I slammed my car door shut and stared up at the empty sky. Nothing, I had nothing. After everything on the line, after weeks of slithering through the slums, I clasped nothing but air. The last solid lead of Daniel's whereabouts were weeks old, dry and stale like day old bread. But still I had fought off my realism, and instead, held tightly onto shallow optimism.
His life, or survival meant nothing to me; it was cold and stark but it was the truth. Every day I drove further into the darkness wanting and not wanting to bring him back. In part, I didn't want to be the one to bring him back, I didn't want my bringing him back to appear like it was my way of asking for redemption from my family. No, when or if I brought him back, it would be my last bestowal to my thankless kin of my blood. They were no longer family, we just shared genetic information. No, I had promised myself last night that when the sun came up to greet the world, I would do my best to find answers of Daniel's whereabouts and leave. I had left my real family in Bon Temps…or the closest thing I had ever come to a real family, for this travesty of a 'family' was exactly that, a travesty.
A small fibre of my being wondered if they would even want me back, so much time and days had passed, so many phone calls and texts left unanswered but I was resolved. I didn't care, I would go back and if I had to start from the bottom of the swamp, then so be it. I would continue like I had before I left, I would take as many cases as I wanted and stay at home if I didn't. I was free, no matter the threads that tried pulling me down, I would emancipate myself. I had given too much of life to fallacious people, wherein I had become their pariah. It was time that I did things my own way.
I knew what I wanted and I knew what I wanted to change but in reality, I had no idea how I would concrescence everything. No matter my new glorified change, I still couldn't sleep and I still hadn't really eaten.
0000000000000000
I glanced over to my shrilling phone on the desk in the room I was inhabiting, it was no longer my room; in fact I don't think I ever really had anything here that was truly mine. I shook myself out of my stupor and glanced at the caller I.D, Sam.
I didn't think about what I would say, I didn't think about excuses or lies, I just flipped open the phone and brought it to my ear, "Hello?"
"Hello? For fuck sakes! That's all you've got to say to me after you've been gone for almost two months?" I winced moving the phone away from my ear. I expected cold silence, not heated yelling.
"Look Sam—"
"No, you shut the hell up and listen. You've got people seriously worried over here, Erin! Tara curses and slams things—"
"When doesn't she?" I couldn't help myself and I swore I heard laughter in his yells.
"Terry has become a mute, Lafayette doesn't even try to be outlandish anymore! And Sookie…"
I winced, I knew Sookie was innocent and green but I honestly didn't want to hear about how I had somehow 'damaged' her. "She stares at her phone all day like a lost puppy."
I shoved myself away from the desk and began pacing. "Look, Sam. If you let me get a word in edgewise."
"Fine." He quietly affirmed.
What had I wanted to say? I didn't know. There were so many things in my head and after spending hours wanting someone to reach out to me and offer me redemption, I honestly didn't know what the hell to say. "My life is a mess." I heard a snort on his end and decided to ignore it, "And I came to Bon Temps under false pretenses." I heard silence on his end and knew I had better explain myself but before I got the chance, Sam began cursing at me. The moment I stepped in Bon Temps, Sam had always been the jovial, trusting, warm hearted and compassionate one; even though I hadn't trusted him at first, he was a gentleman and a sweetheart but boy, he could curse a sailor out.
I reached over on the desk and grabbed the photographs I had paid heavily for and a blank envelope. While he went on a tangent about how a cold-hearted bitch I was, I stared down at the damning photographs in my hand and grimaced, I had wanted evidence but I hadn't wanted graphic evidence. The proof in the form of Daniel, my once alive brother in a compromising position with a human; proof that I knew he was now a fang was in the form of him ripping into a girl's artery with his fangs. It was messy; I had learned the hard way, when decapitating someone, do it swiftly and efficiently. Instead, I had nicked an artery and bled the poor bastard. But the poor girl in the photos was cringing and it was the look of horror and realization that her death was imminent that had me studying them longer than I cared to have admitted.
"Are you listening to me?" Sam shouted.
I laughed acerbically, "Why would I want to hear you call me names? Listen, I wasn't done."
"You have one minute." He threatened. Sam sure had a dark side to him.
"At first I had come Bon Temps to pretend and falsify an existence but I began…I don't know!" I dropped the envelope stuffed with the photos on the bed and began to pace angrily, "I felt like I belonged there!"
I waited, biting my tongue, this wasn't silence, this was deafeningly loud silence, "Are you saying you like us?" Sam asked suddenly sounding jovial again.
I chortled, there was no other way to say it, Sam was Sam and sometimes, he scared the shit out of me, "Do you forgive me?"
I heard Sam snort, "It's not me you have to worry about. Listen, when are you getting back?"
"Very, very soon."
"Good, I'll leave the next shift open for you."
I glared at the phone, hating the dial tone and yet, I was relieved. My skin felt itchy, my muscles felt hot and I felt like my bones, at any moment were going to tear through my skin. I was anxious and antsy to get back on the road and make my way home. There were so many things to do, so many things to say and staying in this house was destroying me.
Opening the closet, I grabbed a change of clothing, my dearest sister would never notice, having been here for weeks on end, I never honestly thought to do laundry. I quickly scratched a You're welcome, on the envelope and left it on the bed. I kept it precise; after all of the running around I had done for these people, I didn't even bother looking back when I walked out.
