29. Hate Is A Very Strong Word
She knew Ezra probably won't care about what people were saying, and she knew she should opt the same attitude. But this was Rosewood, where she wanted to raise her daughter. This is where she wanted to settle down with Ezra. How could she do all that with the whole town looking at her with abominable scrutiny? She felt like her nightmare had just come true. The last few months were just too good to be true. They were Aria and Ezra. Aria couldn't for the life of her think of how she could think the two of them could finally have their peace.
"Abby," Aria softly caressed her daughter's cheek, trying to wake her up. The little girl stirred, but made no other movement indicating any effort to open her eyes. Aria heard heavy footsteps behind her, followed by a familiar voice.
"You don't have to wake her up, just tell her I said goodbye." It was Mike, already equipped and ready to leave for Italy. A cab was already waiting for him downstairs, honking every five minutes. Mike had mentally noted to not give a tip.
"No, stay. You may be okay with it but I'm the one who has to deal with her crying because she didn't get to say goodbye to her Uncle Mikey," Aria yelled in hushed tones, not wanting to startle Abby. Aria looked back down at the sleeping three year old, who looked as peaceful as ever. The idea of letting her sleep was tempting, but Aria would never hear the end of it. Who knows when Mike would be able to visit them again?
"Don't call me that," Mike sighed, having a mini flashback to the days of them making fun of each other—name calling for the most part. Those times seemed like light years away. If he went back in time and told that little boy that he was going to be extremely close with his sister in the future, the eight year old would gag and make vomiting gestures.
"Oh please, I know you secretly love it when Abby calls you that," Aria teased, rolling her eyes. Going back to the impossible task of waking up a sleeping child, Aria sat on the edge of the bed, and showered her daughter with kisses. Just like how Aria had intended, Abby woke up giggling. This had always been her way of waking up the heavy sleeper, every time she was in a rush. Now that Aria thought about it, it was how she woke Ezra up back when they were still shacking up in her apartment in New York. Thinking back, she realized that she had started doing it to Abby because she missed Ezra. It used to be a little reminder of Abby's father, whom she had heard nothing of in a long while at that time. Too long.
"Good morning, sunshine," Mike had gotten used to giving Abby nicknames ever since she was still just looking up at him from a tiny crib.
"Mornin' Uncle Mikey," she mumbled, accidentally sounding southern. Aria liked to joke around and do the accent, and Abby would always double over in a fit of laughter. Mike walked further into the room, kneeling down by the bed.
"Uncle Mike wants to say goodbye, honey," Aria gave her daughter a soft smile, hoping she won't make a fuss. It seemed like the mother's wish wasn't going to be granted, because Abby's face fell.
"Where are you going?" Abby looked up at her uncle, confusion in her big round hazel eyes—an exact copy of the oldest Montgomery in the room.
"Don't you remember? I'm going to Italy with some friends." The only reaction he got from the usually bubbly girl was a small 'Oh', which broke his heart. "I'll be back before you know it with a present from Italy!" he tried to cheer up her up. Abby's lips curled upwards a quarter of an inch. "You be a good girl, okay?" Mike raised his eyebrows at the obviously still sleepy child.
"I will, Uncle Mikey," she uttered the familiar nickname. Mike leaned in and kissed her forehead, before saying his last goodbyes and leaving. He said a quick farewell to Ezra who was making coffee in the kitchen, then left the loft for the long cab ride in front of him. Before he could get in the elevator however, his sister caught up with him in the hallway.
"You weren't thinking of leaving without giving me a hug, did you?" Aria feigned offense. Mike immediately pulled her into a tight hug, which made Aria want to stay like that for as long as possible. "I'll miss you," she mumbled into the dark blue jacket he was wearing, trying not to let any tears fall. She knew they could talk on the phone and video chat, but that's still not the same as talking in person.
"You're making me not want to leave," he chuckled as he pulled away.
"Maybe you shouldn't," Aria raised an eyebrow. She could feel an 'Aria…' just around the corner, so she beat him to it. "I'm just messing with you," she gave a victorious smirk. "Go have fun with your friends. And say hello to Savanna for me when you get back to LA," she teased her little brother.
"You take care, okay?" Mike said instead, ignoring Aria's jab at his relationship with Hardy's sister—whatever it was. "Listen, Aria. I know that you really care about Ezra-"
"Mike," Aria stopped him with warning eyes. She knew how this was going to go. He'll lecture her about being careful and then he'll say that he'll kick Ezra's ass if he touches a hair on her head.
"Just hear me out. I know that you really care about Ezra. And I'm starting to see that he cares about you too. Now, from what I heard from the girls, the two of you have some kind of epic love story back in high school. But I don't know all that. All I know is he's Abby's father, and he seems to care a lot about her and you. I don't know whether not he's a good guy. He was just some English teacher to me. So I'm just going to believe in you and trust that he loved you and that he still does. But I beg of you, Aria, if he does anything to hurt any of the two of you, you run. Do you hear me? You run fast and far. You grab Abby and run. You protect that little angel, understand?" Mike held Aria's gaze. This was all true. He never really knew Ezra, and he still didn't. Ezra Fitz was a stranger to him. For all he knew, the guy took advantage of his sister.
"I understand," Aria could see the fear in Mike's eyes. He was thoroughly terrified for her and his niece. She knew that all he needed was to know that she wasn't blinded by her emotions. That she won't hesitate to put Abby-and herself-in front of everything else. He needed her to understand how things looked from his point of view. "I will." Mike needed to know that Aria could protect herself. He didn't know that deep down, Aria had maybe too much of said protection—a caution that prevents her from ever letting herself really fall, for anyone. But then again, even Aria herself didn't know.
"Good, I'll call you when I land," Mike gave Aria one last squeeze before stepping into the elevator, and watched the sliding metal doors gradually cover his sister's face.
"Would you focus?" Spencer pushed Hardy off of her with a laugh, failing to sound irritated. She sat up on the bed, her eyes back on the laptop. There were probably a million apartments to choose from, and she was starting to feel suffocated by the amount of zeros beside each 'On Sale' sign. She and Hardy had decided to split the cost of whatever apartment they were going to buy equally, after a very long talk. Yes, they were going to buy. Somehow they weren't that worried about the consequences of said action if anything happened to the couple. But that probably had something to do with the fact that they both could do more than just afford it. Especially with Spencer's promotion and Hardy's seniority at work.
"Oh come on, we're not moving until the end of the year. We don't have to look for a place right now," Hardy tugged at the shirt that Spencer wore—one that he wore last night to Emily's celebratory dinner, where they had met Emily's new girlfriend, Cassandra. Let's just say that the two did more than just sleep last night, and this piece of clothing was the only one Spencer could find anywhere near the bed this morning. She had woken up extra early, so that she could go back to the loft and get ready for work without being late. She didn't want her co-workers to think that she was slacking just because she scored the promotion. Unlike other times however, she had mistaken her calculations. Work was not until hours away, so now she's killing time by continuing her search for a place in New York.
"Exactly, we're moving at the end of the year. We have to find a place as soon as possible." Spencer slowly scrolled down the page, not really paying much attention to the words in front of her. Hardy's butterfly kisses on her skin were much more interesting. "Hardy," she coughed uncomfortably. The only response she got was an 'Mm-hmm' before her boyfriend returned back to his continuous actions. "Do you want a two bedroom or three?" She randomly asked, not being able to think of anything else. No answer. "Okay, I'm serious. If we don't do this now, we never will. Please just help me with this right now," Spencer pleaded, even though her body is begging for something else.
Hardy stopped. "You don't sound so sure."
"Please?"
"Fine," he held up both hands in surrender. Hardy scooted closer and finally looked at the extremely long list of apartments, when his eyes suddenly landed on the location the location. "Spence?"
"What?"
"This isn't New York."
"What are talking ab-" Spencer stopped talking when she saw what Hardy noticed just a second ago. Sure enough, the location read New Jersey. "I was distracted, okay?" Her eyes were still glued on the laptop screen, but she could practically feel the man beside her smirking. "Shut up," Spencer blushed, playfully shoving Hardy off the bed. She was shockingly strong.
"That's hurt," Hardy groaned, as he got himself back on the bed. Spencer ignored his whining and changed the location to New York, and even more results came up. She felt like throwing the stupid laptop out the window. She knew she should be happy to have a lot of options, but she already felt tired just by looking at what seemed like an infinite number of pages to look through. Hardy must have sensed her frustration, because he put and arm around her shoulders and rubbed her arm for comfort.
"We'll look at them slowly, don't stress out about it," He gave her forehead a peck.
"Did you just meet me? I stress out about everything," Spencer grunted.
"Let's start with something simple. Two extra rooms, each for our own working space. Yes or no?"
"No," Aria denied. Ezra still looked skeptical, so she said it again. He still stayed quiet. This was starting to frustrate her. She threw the covers off of her body and got out of the bed, standing by it with arms folded across her chest. Aria wanted to hold Ezra's gaze, but she stared at the now cold cup of coffee instead. After saying goodbye to Mike, she had been greeted by a cup of steaming black coffee. Ezra had already downed half of his own. It was still six in the morning, but the two had something else other than going back to sleep on their minds. Heading to Aria's bed, they both seemed to be enjoying themselves. Ezra however, soon toned things down. When asked what was wrong, he hesitantly said what was on his mind. 'Yesterday… You, um. When you wouldn't let me drive you to The Grille. Were you mad at me about something? D-Did I do something wrong?' Genuinely not being mad, Aria said a short 'no'. And that brought them to now.
"Then what is it? Did you not want my student to see you with me? Because I thought we were over that-"
"We are," Aria hadn't even thought about her students, who are also Ezra's, seeing him drop her off. "I told you, I'm not mad. It was just a car ride, Ezra. Why are you making such a big deal about this?" She immediately got defensive.
"I'm not, I just- I wanted to do those kinds of things for you. Driving you, making you coffee," Ezra gestured to the mug on the bedside table, "spoiling Abby with the occasional sweets, getting all three of us takeouts, maybe even attempt to cook. I want to do all that just because. I wanted to drive you just because." He had never been a romantic kind of guy, believe it or not, but Aria brought out that side of him. She always did ever since day one. Now all he wanted was to do these little things and bring the slightest of smiles on his girls' faces, but how could he if Aria was being… stubborn. Same old stubborn Aria.
"I never thought of it that way. I've been on my own for so long now. In my head it's: if I can do it myself, why not? It's just me and Abby. It always has been. The only ones I could lean on were the girls. I can't-" Aria stoped herself, looking at Ezra who had stood up and was now an arms length away. She couldn't say what was really on her mind. How she was really feeling. She wasn't mad at Ezra, that much was true. But…
"It's okay, say it." Ezra already knew what almost slipped from Aria's mouth. He knew it all along. He thought the two was past it, but they evidently weren't. It was just a matter of time until they could admit it. Until Aria could. "You can't lean on me."
"Ezra, that's not true." It was. Aria just couldn't bear to have Ezra know it. But he did, and she could see the hurt in his eyes. His pain hurt her. Knowing that she caused it crushed her. This was not how things were supposed to turn out. She was supposed to gradually learn to let him in. All this time, she thought she was. But she was just fooling herself. Even Ezra could see it. She was trying so hard, but it was impossible. Instead, she was just pretending. She figured if she acted like it, it'd be real eventually. But of course that didn't work. It just made a ticking time bomb.
"It is, and we both know it." Rage flashed in his eyes. He was tired of this. Aria was being difficult. He told her a million times that he would always be there for her. That she could count on him. She had simply nodded each time, and Ezra took it as a sign of understanding. Now he understood that his suspicions weren't all in his head. She never really let her wall down. It had always been there. Ezra left the room, and headed to the door. Halfway there however, he was stopped.
"Oh, are you going to leave again? Is that it? That's what you do, right? Leave?" Aria wasn't thinking about Ezra's feelings anymore. He wasn't the only one who could act like that. She was hurt, too. Who said he was the only one mad? She too, had anger. It just had been buried deep down under fear. Fear of Ezra being mad at her for keeping Abby a secret—even though that was unintentional. Fear that Ezra was just going to break her like last time. It seemed like she had been living in fear for far too long now. It was time to be mad. Furious, infuriated, enraged, fuming. Use all the adjectives there are. She was all of them. "I have been leaning on you, Ezra. Look where that got me."
"What got you here was not trusting me," Ezra faced her, ignoring her accusation of him leaving. He hoped she was just saying that in the heat of the moment. But hope was a bitch, and he knew it.
"I trusted you with my child," Aria pointed out in disbelief.
"Our child."
"I let you see her whenever you want, the two of you spend time together all the time. Don't you dare say that I didn't let you in her life, because I know where this conversation is going." Aria couldn't believe Ezra felt this way. She had always been trying to involve him as much as she could. Didn't he see that?
"Name one time when she spends time at my place. Name one time when you asked me to take care of her before you ask any of your friends. I'm her father, Aria. Not Spencer or Hanna or Emily. I am." Ezra couldn't stop his voice from escalating. He could see the tears brimming Aria's eyes, but he couldn't keep this to himself any longer. She needed to know, to understand.
"Well, I guess I'm just used to being a single parent. God knows you haven't been here for us for four fucking years," Aria outright yelled. Ezra knew she was still getting used to having him around. It was always just her and Abby. She couldn't just jump in the deep end. She needed baby steps. She thought Ezra knew this. She couldn't believe he was throwing this in her face right now.
"And whose fault is that?" Ezra blurted out before he could stop himself.
"Are you saying it's mine?" With this, everything came crashing down. Her biggest worry. It was true all along. He did blame her for not telling him that Abby existed. He blamed her for missing the first four years of her life.
"Aria, I didn't mean that," Ezra couldn't believe what he said. He knew Aria always blamed herself for not being able to find him all those years ago. The truth was, she did all she could. He really just fell off of the face of he earth. He had cut all connections to Rosewood. There was nowhere to find him but through Hardy, who was just protecting him by ignoring Aria's calls. This was not her fault.
"Yes, you did," Aria's voice was barely a whisper now, and a couple of tears trickled down her face. Ezra wanted to reach out and wipe them, but he was afraid to do anymore damage. He stood still, as if he'd break her heart even more with a single move.
"I-"
"I'm sorry, Ezra. I tried my best," she was still next to silent, but her face was tear-streaked. Aria turned around and quickly went back to her room, closing the door behind her. Ezra attempted to follow her but missed his chance, now staring at the white painted wood instead. He knocked on it slowly, leaning his forehead on the door.
"Aria, I didn't mean it." It was his turn to cry now. He almost never did, but the ache in his chest drove him to tears. "Please open the door, I'm so sorry." Ezra knew he crossed the line earlier. What he said was unforgivable. He wouldn't open the door either if he was Aria. Ezra turned around and slid down to the floor, his back to the door as he sat. "I was just so mad, that's not how I feel. Aria, please," Ezra refrained from sobbing, although it felt like that was all he could do. Looking up from his previous face in hands position, he saw someone else was in the room. It was a very angry Spencer. She was coming in from Hardy's to get ready for work, when she walked into a shouting match. She couldn't believe what she heard Ezra say. It was too far, to say the least. "How much did you hear?"
"All of it." Spencer answered coldly. "Get out."
"I didn't mean i-"
"Get. Out." Ezra reluctantly got up and walked to the door Spencer was holding open for him. He turned around to explain but was once again facing a closed door instead.
Spencer dropped her things on the floor and walked to Aria's door. "Aria, it's me. Ezra's gone. Are you okay?" The only response she got was sobbing. Spencer took out her phone and sent the infamous text to Hanna and Emily: SOS. "I'm coming in, okay?" Spencer slowly opened the door and walked in, finding Aria crumpled on the floor with her hands covering her face. Spencer quickly got down next to her and pulled the broken hearted girl into a warm hug. "Ssshh, it's going to be okay. What he said wasn't true, Aria. You listen to me and don't be stupid. It's not true. He doesn't think it either, remember that."
"He does," Aria managed to choke out. She was glad that Spencer was there. She needed her. Maybe it was true. Maybe her friends were the only ones she could really count on.
"He didn't mean it." Spencer knew Ezra was telling the truth. That sentence was the one he kept repeating over and over. And she knew he was telling the truth.
"I hate him," Aria screamed, her voice laced with agony. Her throat was sore, but she screamed it again.
"I know, Aria. I know," Spencer held the brunette closer. She remembered when she would hold Aria like this in the middle of nights, back in New York. She often felt overwhelmed. She had a right to be. She was barely an adult, and was taking care of a baby all on her own. No one was really taking care of her. But of course the role was taken over by her mom and the girls. It was the only thing that got her through the hardest times.
"Mom?" Abby came into the room. Aria's crying had woken her up. She always despised it when her mom cried, and she did too now. "Are you upset that Uncle Mikey left?" The little girl approached her mother, who took sat her down on her lap. Aria nodded, trying to stop the tears. "Well, don't cry. He'll come back, I promise." Aria mustered a smile and hugged her daughter, silently crying. Spencer still kept an arm around her, knowing that the simple act of letting go might cause Aria to lose it again.
"He'll come back," Spencer repeated, looking Aria straight in the eyes. Because she knew that what Aria was really scared of was history repeating itself.
This is a pretty long author's note so skip the paragraph after this if you don't care why I didn't update for a while.
Before you hate me for taking forever to update, hear me out. If you followed me on twitter you would know this from my relentless whining, but I had my exam week and I practically freaked out because it was a new school and the exam system was so different and so was the subjects and well... I freaked. Bottom line, I dropped my writing and studied day and night. I just got my report card two days ago and I passed! So yeah, that was a relief. Also, I've actually started writing this chapter a while ago but then I ended up rewriting it for 7 times. No exageration. I actually had seven versions of this chapter and finally was happy with this one.
Next up, if you hate me for what happened in this chapter then... i really don't know what to say about that hahha. Aria and Ezra were always walking on eggshells this whole time, ignoring the elephant in the room. They weren't saying what was really on their minds. They've just been putting everything wrong in a box and locking it. Here, the box explodes. This chapter's a mess and it represents how Aria and Ezra are feeling. Just messy and chaotic and dare i say again, a mess.
So tell me what you think of this chapter and what you'd like to see, as always, in the review! I accept anything from criticism to simply your comments. Once again, thank you for reading/review/follow/favorite! Sorry again for taking so long xo
