Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)
-e.e. Cummings
High school dances in Mystic Falls were some of the most elaborate events Stefan had witnessed in his entire span of human history. Where most schools had clichés centered on paper streamers and twinkle lights, Mystic Falls had detailed themes with floor plans and costumed performers and live bands. It was... gratuitous.
Stefan wondered if all the celebration of life and being alive really covered up the great loss the town had suffered because of the monsters it attracted. They did provide at least a decent attempt at distraction. He was grateful for that much at least so he could get through the day with something else to occupy his hands if not entirely his thoughts. The day had passed by in a blur he couldn't really remember. Whatever his brother was up to, whatever disaster he was going to inflict to cover the hurt Stefan caused, he was taking his sweet ass time about it. Stefan's heart still thudded in time to the sound of Damon walking away.
Other teenagers again surrounded him—their friends—he reminded himself. Her friends the voice he tried to ignore repeated. At least everyone cleaned up nice. He tugged at the knot of the tie against his neck.
Elena's small hand squeezed his, bringing him back out of his head. He smiled apologetically at her arched eyebrow.
God, she was lovely. Soft curves and pouty lips and everything feminine and delicate he appreciated attached to a willful stubbornness and determination he liked even more. She was special. He hated that he forgot that whenever she wasn't standing right in front of him.
"I finally have you all to myself. We're dancing right?" She offered the open sincere expression that made him happier too. He adored her smile.
He looked around, checked the doors one more time for any trace of his familiar shadow. But he wasn't there, so Stefan swallowed what felt a lot like disappointment in a gulp of watered-down punch.
Her hand tugged against his and he let himself be pulled away from the tall table they were leaning on. He didn't dance. It was too awkward, too public for him. But he owed her. He was here to spend time with her, to give her memories of an event that didn't go wrong. And the music was finally slow enough the kids on the dance floor had stopped all their embarrassing thrusting against each other.
"Sure." He smiled back at her, leading her onto the floor and holding her against him.
There were only so many dances in Stefan's repertoire so they waltzed. He kept the moves simple, easier for her to follow, and less chance of bumping into everyone. They glided around and around all the same. She looked delighted as he led her around the floor. This was simple, easy. He could try harder to be this version of himself with her. For her. And he almost believed they could stay this happy.
When the tempo picked up and the song changed to some new dance with choreography in the lyrics that everyone else already seemed to know, Stefan excused himself. Elena nodded with a small smile, finding Bonnie and Caroline to continue dancing.
Stefan made his way back to the table, infinitely aware of his age. He didn't mind watching them have fun. He knew they deserved a little silliness like spontaneous choreography.
A flask appeared at his elbow.
Following the hand attached to it, Stefan looked up to see Alaric's bemused face.
"You look like you need this more than me."
"Aren't you supposed to be chaperoning?"
Alaric's smile widened. "I am. I confiscated it from Tyler. He may think he's top dog, but he's still underage." He shook the mostly full flask in his hand. "I'll hang onto it if you don't want any."
Stefan took it from him with a quirk in his lip. "I'll take it. Tyler always has good shit." He took a heavy swallow as Alaric's eyebrow's shot up.
"And how do you know that?"
He shrugged sheepishly while offering it back.
"Hmm." Alaric closed his eyes as he took a drink himself. "Well, you're not wrong."
Sharing stolen liquor with a teacher at a school dance wasn't exactly normal, but Stefan found himself grateful the man thought of him as a peer instead of another underage student.
"So, how's Damon doing?" Alaric looked casually as possible and leaned his arms against the table.
Stefan bit back a smile. If Alaric was bribing him with alcohol to talk about his brother, it worked in Stefan's favor too. He looked around again. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, uninterested in the men's private conversation in the dark corner. "Did you see him? Is he here?"
"No, don't think so. I meant in general. Is he any better?"
"God, I wish I knew." Stefan carded his fingers through his hair.
"You've been watching out for him, right? I figured he was finally sleeping in his own bed since I haven't seen him in so long."
"Oh, oh yeah." He wasn't sure what the question was exactly. But Stefan already felt guilty for sins he had no plans on confessing. "He hasn't been by in a while, I guess, huh?"
Alaric looked at him with a hint of understanding. "No, I figured you were helping him work out some things he was struggling with."
Stefan stared at him, wondering how much the man knew. Stefan suddenly worried keeping Damon to himself wouldn't just ruin his own relationship. He could add that guilt to the list.
"What uh, what is your opinion on that whole thing?"
Alaric smirked. They both knew Stefan was being intentionally vague. "It's not like we discussed anything." He leaned closer and put his hand on Stefan's shoulder. "Damon talked in his sleep. When he slept." The touch was light but it still made Stefan feel like a worm on a hook. He squirmed beneath it, but Alaric did not release his hold.
Stefan swallowed hard, a spike of shame chasing down his chest. "I'm sorry if keeping him home messed up what you guys had going on. His sleepwalking was getting kind of destructive. I needed to keep an eye on him. I didn't think…"
"Whoa, whoa, relax." Alaric laughed, taking his hand off Stefan, but watching him closely. "As long as he's okay, it's all good. We had some fun. But we're adults, I knew where we weren't headed." He slid the flask forward and Stefan took a grateful swig.
"I don't know what to do about him." Stefan admitted. "It's been months, I'd do anything for him, but I don't know how to help him…" He sighed and started twisting his ring.
"Don't you?" Alaric asked with more disbelief than judgment.
Stefan looked up sharply. He'd had enough coded conversation and subtlety wasn't getting him anywhere. "How much do you know?"
Alaric shrugged. "I don't know about sleepwalking. But I know he cried out for you in his sleep. Claimed you. God, he'd kill me again for telling you that." He shook off the idea. "But you know, I can't fathom the life you've lived so far, what paths you each have taken. I don't know how your relationship has had to evolve. But everyone knows that you two are the most important person to each other."
An aching sense of regret shook inside Stefan. There was over a century and a half of denying what he wanted but Damon was still and would always be his brother. He simply stared at his friend.
Pausing, looking over the throng of teenagers, Alaric kept his voice low. "You're both the same kind of complicated, probably because you've spent so much time under each other's skin. Maybe you don't see it, but he needs someone desperately, in whatever capacity they are able, to love him."
Stefan started trembling. He clenched his hands into fists, and dropped his eyes to the table.
"Don't you want to be with him?" He struggled to get the words out. The burning flush in his face feeling too much like jealousy. As if he had the right to be selfish now.
"It's not the same thing. I wanted to not be in my life." Alaric said softly. "I spent so much time thinking my wife died only to find out she actually left me. I was suddenly in charge of these teenagers who didn't really need me. I was beat over the head with the unrelenting knowledge of monsters being real, but that sometimes they were okay people." He nudged Stefan's arm with his elbow. "Damon did me a few favors. But I'm still a human, and he's still a vampire. We're basically friends with benefits. Him eventually not sticking around after a few drinks wasn't really a surprise. Plus, he made me want to get back out there. The woman I'm seeing now is pretty great. It works for me."
Surprised, Stefan processed this. "You're dating someone?"
Alaric's warm smile spread. "Yeah, we aren't really serious yet, but she makes me happy." He lowered his voice again. "Life sucks. You gotta take love where you can find it, you know?"
The conversation could have gone a lot differently. Alaric wasn't stupid, but he didn't seem to be implying he thought there was anything inappropriate about Stefan's relationship with his brother either. The cool rush of relief washed away his panic. Stefan didn't have words that could possibly articulate how grateful he was for Alaric's friendship. He clapped his hand on the man's shoulder, and Alaric bobbed his head in a nod.
"So since you're here tonight is he making an appearance?"
"I don't know, I mean, probably. He's not…" All the words Stefan had to explain his brother left him. He wasn't sure what version of Damon would be showing up. If it was the one that put them all in danger, or the one that only tore himself apart. Alaric nodded like he understood anyway.
They stood there, finding their usual comfortable silence. Wordlessly, they passed the flask back and forth till it was empty. The both kept their eyes moving around the room. The habit ingrained for all public gatherings whether they needed a reason or not. It was Mystic Falls after all. Stefan realized they were both waiting for something to happen.
It didn't take long. Before the dance was over, the dark streak Stefan had been expecting appeared. He let out the breath he'd been holding all night. Damon stood still long enough to make sure Stefan knew he was there, the malicious glint in his eye only for his little brother.
Stefan caught Alaric's elbow and pointed, but Damon had already moved. Alaric let out a sigh and tucked the flask into his pocket.
"Guess I'm going to walk around and do my job. Let me know if you need anything."
Stefan nodded, eyes searching the room to find him again. Instead they fell to Elena, laughing with her friends.
He made his way over to her, increasingly upset that he had something to do with ruining another event for the girls to protect them from Damon - again. One step forward and two steps back in whatever progress they had made.
Damon tracked Stefan across the room from the corner where he'd tucked himself away. The strained way Stefan smiled at the girls and the way Elena wrapped her arms around his neck felt too much like vervain scorching his skin. He moved before Alaric got close, watching the man walk around like he wasn't worried. They were just so fucking oblivious.
He heard Stefan tell Elena it was time to get out of there. Saw her beg for one more dance.
Damon smiled at a girl passing by him, twirled her around. Didn't even compel her till he got her home.
